Memory Girl

by Singleton, Linda Joy

  “Grand Sarwald and Jed asked to die,” she says.

  “That’s unsensical.”

  “Not if you’re a Believer. Both Leader Sarwald and Jed longed to meet their God. But suicide isn’t only against religious beliefs; it would shame the Family. There are two ways to die in ShareHaven: accident or murder. Since most people survive accidents, the only guaranteed method for death is to die by the hand of a skilled killer.”

  “Nate,” I say, finally understanding. He’d been told he was killing someone who wanted to die, and that was the truth. It was still murder; but it was also compassion.

  “We traded the Nocturnes medicine for each death,” she adds. “Grand Sarwald’s death was too public, but it was quick, which is a blessing.”

  “What about Jed?”

  She smiles. “His death was beautiful. One swift, skillful hit. He died with no pain or shame to his Family.”

  “But Grand Sarwald’s death wasn’t as easy,” I say angrily.

  “It was unfortunate the Noc … Nate … was captured. Leader Cross worried he’d expose us if he was tortured. You may not believe me, but I was relieved to learn Nate escaped. I worried, though, when you were blamed. When they told me you’d been Returned, I was heartbroken and furious. I quit the group … although I can’t give up wearing my necklace.” She glances down at her necklace, then back to me. “I’m so glad you’re safe.”

  “Nate helped me. A Nocturne cared more for my safety than my own people.” I look deeply into her face. “I need your help to make things right. Please, go to the Leaders—except Leader Cross—and tell them the truth.”

  “I can’t.” She purses her lips. “You’re safe with the scientists. You’ve always had an inquisitive mind and potential for great things. Use your mind to make new discoveries to keep our island safe. I’ve heard rumors there are problems with the Sharing Bloom—which risks memdenity and immortality.”

  I glance away, thinking of the flowers growing in the room next to the caged beasts. Did the flowers survive the explosion?

  “You can shape the future of ShareHaven,” Instructor Penny adds.

  “As an outsider,” I say angrily. “You might as well toss me out of the Fence and leave me for the claws and snakes.”

  “The Believers will be ruined if we’re discovered.”

  “Nocturnes fight every day just to live another day. You call yourselves Believers—so stand up for your beliefs and fight for your future.”

  She looks as me as if I’m someone she doesn’t know, and maybe that’s true. When she shakes her head, I know I’ve lost.

  “I’m not brave enough,” she admits. “But I have faith in you, Jennza—more than you’ll ever know. And I love you like you’re from my own flesh, the daughter I never had.” She glances up uneasily as if she’s heard a sound. “If someone comes, I can hide you. You’ll be safe with me.”

  “When have I ever chosen safety?”

  “My dear rebel youth.” Her smile is bittersweet.

  “I have to go now.” I gaze around the room, fixing every detail in my memory.

  “Take care, sweet Jenny,” Instructor Penny says, squeezing my hand.

  I swallow hard. “Could you deliver three messages for me?”

  “Of course I will.”

  She gives me hemper and a writing tool. I write first to Lorelei.

  Dearest Lorelei,

  You are my best born-mate, and I will treasure all the memories we shared together. Thank you for coming to my birthday. Always remember that you don’t need someone else’s memories to be skillful, kind, funny, and clever. You are wonderful inside and out. And I will never forget you.

  Love,

  Jennza.

  Writing to Marcus is harder; there’s so much to tell him, but while I trust Instructor Penny to deliver my notes, I can’t be sure she won’t read my words.

  Marcus,

  Our small friend is safely back in her home. You are very dear to me and I’m sorry we parted in anger. I’m honored you wanted me to join your Family, but I don’t know what my future holds. When you rise to the role you have Chosen, embrace justice. Use your inner strength to be a fair Leader. Do not follow in the path of others. Make your own path.

  Break a few rules and think of me.

  Jennza

  The third note is short and bittersweet.

  Rosemarie,

  I’m sorry I couldn’t be the sister you deserve. I never meant to cause trouble, and I regret that I’ve hurt you. Milly will always be a part of me, and we both love you very much. Tell Arthur how you feel about him. Milly would want you both to be happy.

  Love,

  Milly and Jennza

  Tears swim in my eyes as I fold each letter twice, then slip them in separate envelopes.

  “Here.” I brush a tear away and hand the envelopes to Instructor Penny.

  “I’ll deliver them safely,” she promises.

  When she opens her arms, I fall into them, hugging her one last time—then I leave my youth home.

  FORTY-THREE

  I go to the Fence, my shoulder still warm from Instructor’s Penny’s hug. I move quickly, strength growing inside me. I’m not sure what will happen now. I might be captured and executed. I could live in the cave. If my name is cleared, I can join a Family. Or I could go with Nate.

  I reach up to climb the Fence as I’ve been doing for two years. Wire bites into my skin, and I breathe in the tangy freshness of salty air. The sun has lowered since my ride here with Nate, and by now Frost has been found and told the scientists what I did.

  Did Lila really create the beasts so they would kill Nocturnes? I can’t believe someone who’s been so kind to me would kill innocent people.

  As my fingers curl around the highest wire, I catch a whiff of flowering perfume and hear a voice behind me speak my name. It’s as if Lila sprang from my thoughts, purple-gold robes blowing around her—only the edges of her robes are singed from fire, and her usually perfect hair falls in tangles around her dirt-smudged face.

  When she calls my name, I hesitate. I’m so close to escape, but she’ll find a way to follow me. She might even find my cave. Besides, there’s so much I need to know.

  She’s not holding a weapon and wears an expression of sorrow, not anger. So I jump to the ground, then spring to my feet to face her. “Those horrible monsters would have killed innocent people. I’m not sorry I destroyed them.”

  “You did more than destroy them,” she says sadly. “It’s all gone—DNA, centuries of research, and the Blooming Flowers. I don’t know what we’re going to do now ….” Her words trail off as she stares out beyond the cliffs and the horizon of endless sea.

  I think of the flowers in my cave, but I say nothing.

  “Do you expect me to be angry and punish you by turning you into a droll?” she asks with a bitter twist to her words.

  “It occurred to me,” I admit. “How did you find me?”

  “When Frost told me you and your Nocturne friend had destroyed the lab, I had a feeling you’d return to this place.” She shields her eyes from the sun as she frowns up at the Fence.

  “You followed me here once before,” I accuse.

  “Yes, I did. It was an enlightening moment,” she admits with no shame.

  “Frost told me things about you.” I swallow. “Did you create the beasts?”

  Clouds part overhead so sun shines onto Lila’s lined face, and she nods. “Yes. I did.”

  I bite my lip, glancing at the Fence, wanting to join Nate and Petal but needing to know the truth. “You knew people were being killed, yet you created even more deadly beasts?”

  “No. That’s Daniel’s research project, but I can’t deny that I was involved in creating the hybrids.” She drops her chin as if ashamed. “After the Attack, we all felt so vulnerable and afraid that having beasts roam outside the Fence seemed a good idea. But when I found out beasts were killing people, I tried to end the project. Only I have no control over my brother, and h
e continued breeding beasts. I know many in ShareHaven regard scientists as miracle-performing gods, but we’re only humans. And we make mistakes.”

  She sounds so sincere, and my anger fades—until she narrows her gaze at me. “So where is he?” she asks, glancing suspiciously at the Fence.

  “Who?” I blink, puzzled.

  “The Nocturne boy you call Nate.”

  “What do you know of him?”

  Her arms fold across her chest, studying me. “The day of the Celebraze, I saw you here with him.”

  “I know,” I say, breathing in her scent of lavender perfume. “That’s why I didn’t accept your offer. I couldn’t trust someone who spied on me.”

  “I had been considering molding a youth into a scientist deserving of Angeleen’s memories for a long time. I meant it when I told you I noticed you right away during your Celebraze. You stood apart, and I was intrigued. But I heard from your Instructors that you were uncontrollable, so I followed you because I worried you were flawed like the youth who attacked Daisy. I had to ensure you’d be suitable.” Her foot crunches on a twig, the crack sounding like a slap to my face. “But what I saw was much more enlightening and changed my plans drastically. Can you truly communicate with the webbed specimen?”

  “Petal isn’t a specimen,” I say accusingly. “I thought she was safe, until I found her caged in the lab with the other beasts. Did you know she was there?”

  “I didn’t capture her,” Lila says evasively. “It was someone from the Sarwald Family—he brought her to Daniel. My brother wanted to dissect her, but I convinced him to keep her for study.”

  “Yet you didn’t tell me she was in the lab.”

  “That lab is restricted to only scientists and their assistants. I planned to take you there after your memdenity. The others would never allow a youth there, but they wouldn’t be able to keep out a scientist.”

  A scientist. Angeleen Dupree. Me.

  “You also didn’t tell me who Angeleen was married to,” I add.

  “How could I after what Daniel almost did to you? I was waiting till the right time. Please believe me.”

  “I … I want to,” I whisper.

  “And I want many things from you.” She steps toward me, and I meet her halfway. I should never have doubted her. She’s always been on my side and even after what I’ve done today, she came to find me.

  A glistening of tears shine as she gently grasps my hands. “I’ve only wanted the best for you—a party, your friends, and a new identity. I know you think I’m angry because you destroyed the lab, but you only did something I’d long wished I’d had the courage to do. I hated knowing Nocturnes were being killed by our creatures.”

  “You could have stopped it.”

  “I’m only one of four scientists. We have an agreement never to interfere in each other’s research. I won’t deny that I’m worried about losing the Blooming Flowers. But perhaps it’s time we returned to the natural way of life and death. Flowers start from a seed, live, then die, and new seeds blossom into new flowers. I’ll deal with that later … for now I’m more concerned with you.” She squeezes my hands. “I was hurt that you left without telling me.”

  “I had … had to see a friend.”

  “The Nocturne?”

  “No,” I say firmly. “Instructor Penny.”

  Her dark brows arch with surprise. “Why?”

  I won’t betray Penny’s secrets. “I missed her.”

  “I can tell when you’re telling half-truths,” she accuses.

  “I thought Instructor Penny had information that could clear my name, but I was wrong. She told me to stay with you.”

  “Wise advice.” Lila lifts her head, smiling. “You’ll make an excellent scientist.”

  “You want me back even though I destroyed your lab?” I ask incredulously.

  “Labs can be rebuilt.” She waves my protest away. “But if you want to work with me, no further secrets. You must accept, too, that progress comes with sacrifices. You can’t afford sentimentality like your attachment to the webbed specimen.”

  “I love Petal,” I insist.

  “You must love your work more than anything. Wait until you feel that first thrill of discovery—then you’ll understand why I’ve had to put aside my own emotions for research. You can’t let sentiment prevent you from making new discoveries for the betterment of ShareHaven. Once you have the memdenity, your knowledge and new memories will guide you.”

  She makes it sounds so clinical—no emotions, only science. But there has to be more to my future, not just fulfilling a role but finding soul and meaning to my life. Will I find that as a scientist?

  “I regret what has happened to the Nocturnes,” Lila continues. “They don’t deserve to be killed, although they are genetically beneath us.”

  “But they aren’t!” I argue, shocked at her words. “They’re like us.”

  “Listen to me, Jennza.” She moves beside me. “I’ve grown fond of you and care about your future. In my long life, I’ve had to make difficult choices. It wasn’t easy to leave my family to come here with my husband. After the Attack, my husband and I stayed to rebuild and improve ShareHaven. Then he had an accident, leaving me alone. The world outside was chaotic and dangerous, so there was no option of leaving. Still, I was lonely, so I came up with a plan to fulfill my deepest dream.” Her voice drops sharply, catching with emotion. “And it almost worked. But fifteen years ago, something went wrong.”

  “That’s when I was born.”

  “Yes. It’s no coincidence.”

  An idea of what she means shocks through me. Could it be possible?

  “You’re the only one who can give me what I want desperately.” Scientist Lila gazes into my eyes. “You know that the cease-aging patch causes infertility. Only DNA material saved before a body stops aging can be used for reproduction. Early experiments were fraught with errors. Misshapen bodies, diseases, and deaths. Once we perfected the embryonic process, we decided to create fifteen youths every twenty-five years.”

  “But extra youths are created,” I say, remembering what I found out when I had my memdenity.

  “Exactly!” Her face lights up. “Only the strongest grow into youths.”

  “What happens to the others?”

  Her gaze shifts to the Fence, then back to me. “I could lie to you, but I want to prove that you can trust me. You must understand what it takes to maintain a peaceful society. Unnecessary youths are left outside the Gate.”

  “For the beasts to kill!” I reel back, my hand to my chest.

  “Scientists are no longer in charge of youth creation and have no control over what the health-keepers do,” she says bitterly. “While we store the DNA, it’s ultimately the health-keepers who create youth-borns. They decide which youths stay or go. Still, I have some influence and had a unique plan for your group of youths. I wanted my own child.”

  My knees almost buckle, and I reach out to grip the Fence to steady myself. “There’s another youth?”

  A flicker of sadness crosses her face. “I created a youth from my husband’s DNA and my own. A health-keeper was to deliver the youth to me, but my child was stricken ill and discarded outside the Fence. By the time I discovered what happened, my child was gone and not seen again until your Celebraze.”

  I think back to the Celebraze and how flattered I’d been when Lila told me I was different than other youths. She made me feel special. Her talk of science discoveries inspired me to do more than follow a map of someone else’s life—to learn, dream, and discover my own road.

  “After the Celebraze, I followed you to the Fence,” she says. “That’s when I realized my child had survived.”

  Chill bumps rise on my skin.

  “I’d know those eyes anywhere. Deep blue, like the sea blending into the sky.” She gestures beyond the Fence to a dazzling blue horizon. “Like his father.”

  “Blue?” I frown.

  “The boy you met, Nate. He isn’t a Nocturne—
he’s my son.”

  FORTY-FOUR

  “But I thought you … you said I was … that you wanted ….” Hurt rips through me. I pull away from her like her touch burns. Lila made promises and told me I was special. Only I’m not. This was never about me.

  “I was interested in you for all the reasons I’ve said,” Lila speaks quickly, reaching for me, only I draw back. “But after I saw you with my son, I hoped you would lead me to him. I suspected he’d find you again. I could never go to the Nocturnes on my own, so I waited for him to come back to you.”

  “You used me?”

  “I’d do anything to get what’s mine. My poor boy, living among savages. What if he’d been killed before I could even talk to him?”

  “Killed by beasts you created,” I accuse.

  “When I saw him, I realized the Nocturnes had taken him and raised him as their own youth. I kept an eye on you, hoping he’d show up again. And he did.” She sighs. “But he was arrested.”

  “You visited him at the jail,” I remember. Something else clicks in place. “The packet I found in my room. It was from you!”

  She nods. “I couldn’t help him directly, so I planned for you to rescue him. I was waiting close by, ready to bring him here. But you waited a day to give him the package, and he escaped before I could talk to him. It was a stroke of luck you were brought here, so I had another chance to find my son. I have to save him from those savages.”

  “Those savages kept Nate alive—his own people tossed him outside the Fence like garbage.”

  “That should never have happened!” She clenches her hand into a fist, her ring glinting like fiery skies. “I want to give him the life he deserves. He’s my son and belongs with me.”

  “He knows scientists bred the beasts. He’ll never trust a scientist.”

  “You’ll be a scientist soon, Jennza,” she says, her dark eyes narrowing at me. “I warned you there would be sacrifices to make. When you gain the memories, you’ll also gain guilt. Angeleen worked on beast experiments. She understood that protecting ShareHaven is the most important goal.”

  “Well, I don’t understand, and I can’t be like you or Angeleen.” I step back toward the Fence. “I’m not going back with you.”