Légende d'Ulenspiegel. English

by Charles de Coster

  When the women archers noticed Ulenspiegel standing there in hispilgrim's habit, they came and began to dance round him in a ring,crying:

  "Hail pilgrim, hail! Do you come from far away, you handsome pilgrimboy?"

  Ulenspiegel, thinking sadly of Nele, thus made answer:

  "I come from Flanders, a lovely land and filled with lovesome girls."

  "What crime have you committed?" asked the women, stopping in theirdance.

  "I dare not confess it, so great it was," said he.

  They asked him the reason why it was needful for him to journey thuswith a pilgrim's staff and wallet, and those scalloped oysters thatare the sign of the pilgrim.

  "The reason is," he replied, not quite truthfully, "that I said thatMasses for the dead are advantageous to the priests."

  "True, they bring many a sounding denier to the priests," theyanswered; "but are they not also of advantage to the souls inpurgatory!"

  "I have never been there," answered Ulenspiegel.

  "Will you come dine with us?" said the prettiest of the archers.

  "Willingly would I dine with you," said he, "and dine off you intothe bargain! You and all your companions in turn, for you are morselsfit for a king, more delicate to swallow than any ortolan or thrushor snipe!"

  "Nay," they answered, "but we are not for sale."

  "Then perhaps you will give?" he asked them.

  "Yea, verily," they laughed, "a good box on the ear to such as are toobold. And if needs were we would beat you now like a bundle of corn!"

  "Thank you," he said, "I will go without the beating."

  "Well then," they said, "come in to dinner."

  So he followed them into the inn yard, glad for their fresh youngfaces. And thereafter he saw the Brethren of the Jolly Face themselves,who were now entering the yard with great ceremony, and by theirown jolly appearance living up most conspicuously to the name oftheir Guild.

  They scrutinized Ulenspiegel with some curiosity, till one of the womeninformed them who he was--a pilgrim they had picked up on the road,and whom, being a good red-face like unto their husbands and theirsweethearts, they had invited to share in the entertainment. The menwere agreeable to this proposal, and one of them addressed himselfto Ulenspiegel:

  "Pilgrim on pilgrimage, what say you now to continuing your pilgrimageacross some sauce and fricassee?"

  "I shall have need of my seven-league boots," answered Ulenspiegel.

  Now as he was following them into the festal hall, he noticed twelveblind men coming along the Paris road. And as they passed they werelamenting most piteously their hunger and thirst. But Ulenspiegelsaid to himself that they should dine that night like kings, and allat the expense of the Dean of Uccle himself, and in memory of theMasses for the dead.

  He accosted them, saying:

  "Here are nine florins for you. Come in to dinner. Do you not smellthe good smell of fricassee?"

  "Ah!" they cried, "for the last half-league, and without hope!"

  "Now you can eat your fill," said Ulenspiegel, "for you have nineflorins."

  But he had not really given them anything.

  "The Lord bless you," they said. For being blind, each man believed hisneighbour had been given the money. And shown the way by Ulenspiegel,they all sat down at a small table while the Brethren of the JollyFace took their seats at a long one, together with their wives andtheir daughters.

  Then, with the complete assurance that comes from the possession ofnine florins:

  "Mine host," cried the blind men insolently, "give us now to eat andto drink of your best."

  The landlord, who had heard tell of the nine florins and thought thatthey were safe in the blind men's purse, asked them what they wouldlike for their dinner.

  Then they all began to talk at once at the top of their voices:

  "Bacon and peas, hotchpotch of beef and veal, chicken and lamb! Andwhere are the sausages--were they made for the dogs, pray? And whois he that has smelt out the black and white puddings in the passagewithout collaring them for us? I used to be able to see them, alas,in the days when my poor eyes were bright as candles! And where is thebuttered koekebakken of Anderlecht? Sizzling in the frying-pan, juicyand crackling, enough to make a fish thirsty for drink! Ho there! Butwho will bring me eggs and ham, or ham and eggs, twin friends of mypalate? And where are you, you choesels, that float in a heavenly messof meats and kidneys, coxcombs, sweetbreads, ox-tails, lamb's feet,with many onions, pepper, cloves, nutmegs, all in a stew, and threepints at least of best white wine for sauce? And who will bring youto me divine, chitterlings, you that are so good that one does notutter a word while you are being swallowed! And they come straightfrom Luyleckerland, a land bursting with fatness and filled with happylazy folk, whose passion for good things to eat is never assuaged! Andwhere are you, dried leaves of autumns past? Now quick there! Bringme a leg of mutton with broad beans. And for me, some pig's earsgrilled with bread-crumbs. And for me, a chaplet of ortolans. Verilythe snipe shall figure the Paters, and a fat capon the Credo."

  Mine host answered quietly:

  "I will bring you an omelette made with sixty eggs. And as sign-poststo guide your spoons, I will plant fifty black puddings in the midst,all smoking on a veritable mountain of good cheer; and from the top ofall some dobbel peterman shall flow down like a river on every side."

  At this the mouths of the poor blind men began to water indeed,and they said:

  "Then serve us, pray, and that right quickly with the mountain,the sign-posts, and the river!"

  And the Brethren of the Jolly Face, who were now all seated at tablewith their wives, remarked to Ulenspiegel that this should be calledthe Day of the Invisible Feast; for that the blind men could not seewhat they were eating, and thus, poor things, were deprived of halftheir pleasure.

  At last it came--the omelette all garnished with cress and parsley,carried by mine host himself and four of his cooks--and the blind mendesired to fall to incontinently, and at once began to set their pawsupon it. But mine host was determined to serve each of them fairly,and, however difficult it might be, to make sure that each trencherhad its just portion.

  The women archers were filled with pity to see the blind men gobblingand sighing with joy at what was set before them. For in truth theywere half starved, and they swallowed down the puddings as though theyhad been oysters. And the dobbel peterman flowed into their stomachsas if it had been a cataract falling down from some lofty mountain.

  When at length they had cleared their trenchers, they demanded yetfurther supplies of koekebakken, ortolans, and fricassees. Mine host,however, only provided a great platter of beef and veal and muttonbones, all swimming in a most goodly sauce. But he did not divide itproperly. So that when they had well dipped their bread in the sauce,and eke their hands right up to the elbows, yet drew not out anythingbut bones of cutlet of veal or mutton, each man fell straightwayto imagining that his neighbour had got hold of all the meat, andthey began to fight among themselves, hitting out most furiously oneagainst another with the bones.

  The Brethren of the Jolly Face laughed heartily at this, but beingcharitably disposed, each put a portion of his own dinner into theblind men's platter. So now if one of the blind went searching for anew bone with which to carry on the fight, he would put his hand belikeupon a thrush or chicken or a lark or two; and all the time the women,holding their heads well backwards, kept pouring into the mouthsof the blind long draughts of Brussels wine, and when they reachedout with their hands to feel, as blind men will, whence came theserivulets of ambrosia, they would catch oftentimes at a woman's skirt,and try to hold it fast. But quickly the skirt would make its escape.

  Thus they laughed and drank, ate and sang, enjoying themselveshugely. Some of them, when they found that women were present, ranthrough the hall all maddened with amorous desire. But the maliciousgirls kept out of their way, hiding behind the Brethren of the JollyFace. And one of them would say: "Come, kiss me!" And when the blindvictim tried to do so he would
find himself kissing not a girl atall but the bearded face of a man, who would reward him with a cuffon the cheek as like as not.

  And the Brethren of the Jolly Face began to sing, and the blind mensang also, and the merry women smiled with fond delight to see theirpleasure. But when the juicy hours were past, it was the turn of theinnkeeper, who came forward, saying:

  "Now you have eaten your fill, my friends, and drunk your fill. Youowe me seven florins."

  But each of the blind men swore that he had no purse, and assertedthat it was one of the others who carried it. Thereat arose a furtherdispute, and they began to hit out at one another with feet and handsand heads; but they mostly missed their mark, striking out at random,while the Brethren of the Jolly Face, entering into the fun, tookcare to keep them apart, so that their blows rained down upon theempty air--all save one, which happened unfortunately to strike theface of the innkeeper, who straightway fell into a rage and ransackedall their pockets. But he found there nothing but an old scapular,seven liards, three breeches-buttons, and a few rosaries.

  At last he threatened to throw the whole lot of them into thepig-trough, and leave them there with nothing but bread and water toeat till they paid what they owed.

  "Let me go surety for them," said Ulenspiegel.

  "Certainly," answered the innkeeper, "if some one will also go suretyfor you."

  This the Brethren of the Jolly Face at once offered to do, butUlenspiegel refused them.

  "No," he said, "the Dean of Uccle shall be my surety. I will go andfind him."

  To be sure it was those Masses for the dead that he was thinkingof. And when he had found the Dean he told him a story of how theinnkeeper of the Trumpet Inn was possessed by the Devil, and how hecould talk of nothing but "pigs" and "blind men"--something or otherabout pigs eating the blind, and the blind eating the pigs undervarious infamous forms of roast meats and fricassees. While theseattacks were on, the innkeeper, so Ulenspiegel affirmed, would breakup all the furniture in the inn; and he begged the Dean to come anddeliver the poor man from the wicked devil that possessed him.

  The Dean promised to do so, but he said he could not come at the moment(for he was busy with the accounts of the Chapter, trying to makesomething out of them for himself). Seeing that the Dean was growingimpatient, Ulenspiegel said that he would return and bring with himthe innkeeper's wife in order that the Dean might speak to her himself.

  "Very well," said the Dean.

  So Ulenspiegel came again to the innkeeper and said to him:

  "I have just seen the Dean, and he is willing to go surety for theblind men. Do you keep watch over them, and let your wife come withme, and the Dean will repeat to her what I have just told you."

  "Go, wife," said the innkeeper.

  So the innkeeper's wife went with Ulenspiegel to the Dean, who wasstill at his accounts and busy with the same problem. When, therefore,he saw Ulenspiegel and the woman, he made an impatient gesture thatthey should withdraw, saying at the same time:

  "It is all right. I will come to the help of your husband in a dayor two."

  And Ulenspiegel went back to the inn and said to himself:

  "Seven florins shall he pay; seven florins. And that shall be thefirst of my Masses for the dead!"

  And Ulenspiegel departed from that place, and the blind men likewise.

  XXV

  Now in those days Katheline had effected a cure, by means of herbs,on three sheep, an ox, and a pig, all belonging to a certain mannamed Speelman. She also attempted to cure a cow, the property of oneJan Beloen, but in this she was not successful. Jan Beloen promptlyaccused her of being a witch, asserting that she had laid a charmon the animal, inasmuch as all the time she was giving the herbsshe had caressed it and talked to it, in the Devil's own language,as was evident--for what business has an honest Christian woman togo talking with an animal...?

  Jan Beloen added that he was a neighbour of Speelman's, the man whoseox had been cured, together with three sheep and a pig as aforesaid,and if Katheline had now killed his cow, it was doubtless at theinstigation of Speelman, who was jealous at seeing his, Beloen's,land better and more profitably cultivated than his own. PieterMeulmeester, a man of good life and reputation, and Jan Beloen himselfboth testified that Katheline was commonly reputed to be a witch bythe people of Damme, and that she had certainly killed the cow; andon this testimony Katheline was arrested and condemned to be tortureduntil she had confessed her crimes and malpractices.

  She was cross-examined by a certain alderman who was notorious forhis ill-temper, for he was accustomed to drink brandy all the daylong. And he ordered her to be placed on the seat of torture in thepresence of himself and the members of the Town Council.

  The torturer put her on the seat stark naked, and then shaved off herhair, looking carefully to see that no charm was concealed anywhereabout her person. Finding none, he bound her with cords to the seatof torture. And she said:

  "It shames me to be naked before these men. O Mother Mary, let me die!"

  The torturer then wrapped some damp cloths round her breast and bodyand legs, and raising the bench upright he proceeded to pour greatquantities of hot water down her throat so that her stomach becameall swollen. Then he let the bench down again.

  The alderman asked Katheline if she would now acknowledge hercrime. She made a sign in the negative. And the torturer poured morehot water into her; but this Katheline brought all up again.

  Then by the advice of the doctor she was released. But she did notspeak a word, only beat her breast as much as to say that the hotwater had burned her. When the torturer saw that she was recoveredfrom this first ordeal, he said to her:

  "Confess that you are a witch, and that you laid a charm on the cow."

  "I will confess no such thing," replied Katheline. "I am here in yourpower. Nevertheless, I tell you that an animal can die of an illness,just as a man can, and in spite of all the help of surgeons and ofdoctors. And I swear by Our Lord Christ who was pleased to die uponthe Cross for our sins, that I wished to do no harm to this cow,but simply to cure her by well-known remedies."

  Thereat the alderman was angry and cried out:

  "This devil's drab, she cannot go on lying for ever! Put her to thesecond torture."

  Then he drank a large glass of brandy.

  The torturer meanwhile sat Katheline down on the lid of an oak coffinwhich was placed on trestles. Now the coffin-lid was pointed like aroof, and the edge of it was as sharp as a sword. A great fire wasburning in the fireplace, for it was the month of November. Katheline,seated on the edge of the coffin-lid, had her feet shod in shoes ofnew leather several sizes too small for her, and then she was placedin front of the fire. When she began to feel the sharp wood of thecoffin-lid cutting into her flesh, and when her shoes began to shrinkunder the heat of the fire, Katheline cried aloud:

  "Oh, agony! Will no one give me a draught of black poison?"

  "Put her nearer the fire," said the alderman.

  Then he inquired of her:

  "How often, pray, have you ridden on a broom to the Witches'Sabbath? And how many times have you caused the corn to wither inthe ear, and the fruit on the tree, and the babe in the womb ofits mother? And turned most loving brothers into sworn enemies,and sisters into rivals full of hatred?"

  Katheline would have answered if she had been able. But she couldonly move her arms, as if to say "No." But the alderman said:

  "I see she will not speak till she has felt her witch's fat allmelting in the fire. Put her nearer."

  Katheline cried out. But the alderman said:

  "You had better ask Satan, your friend, to refresh you."

  And now her shoes were beginning to smoke in the heat of the fire,so that she made a gesture as if to try and take them off.

  "Ask Satan to help you," said the alderman.

  Ten o'clock struck. It was the madman's dinner hour. And he retiredwith the torturer and the clerk of the court, leaving Katheline alonein front of the fire in the place of tortur
e.

  An hour later they returned. Katheline was still sitting there stiffand motionless. The clerk said:

  "I think she is dead."

  The alderman commanded the torturer to remove Katheline from thecoffin-lid, and to take off the shoes from her feet. This he couldnot do, so that he was forced to cut them, and Katheline's feet wereexposed to view, all red and bleeding. The alderman, whose thoughtswere still with his dinner, gazed at her without a word. But aftera while she came to her senses, and fell upon the ground, nor wasshe able to get up again in spite of many attempts. Then she said tothe alderman:

  "Once you desired me for your wife. But now you shall have none ofme! Four times three is the sacred number, and my husband is thethirteenth."

  The alderman was going to answer her, but she forestalled him:

  "Be silent. His hearing is more delicate than that of the archangelin heaven who counts the heart-beats of the just. Why are you solate? Four times three is the sacred number. He killeth those whohold me in desire."

  The alderman said:

  "It seems she welcomes the devil to her bed!"

  "The pains of the torture have turned her brain," said the clerk.

  So Katheline was taken back into prison. And three days later therewas a meeting of the aldermen in the Council Hall; and after somedeliberation Katheline was condemned to suffer the ordeal by fire.