How Sexual Desire Works- The Enigmatic Urge

by Frederick Toates

  The biggest gender difference in viewing erotica appears not to be in liking it, since women are able to be as aroused as men by its more subtle forms, but in wanting it (Leitenberg and Henning, 1995). Traditionally women have done little to obtain erotica/pornography, men being the prime consumers. By contrast, women are the prime consumers of romantic fiction and derive as much erotic stimulation from reading it as do men (Kinsey et al., 1953). Of course, overwhelmingly most pornography is geared to male sexual tastes. The advent of the Internet, with its perceived anonymity and the ready availability of pornography, has increased the number of women consumers (Chapter 17).

  Does exposure to erotic representations change behaviour in encouraging people to try to repeat the actions? One only has to note the use of sex in advertising to suggest that representations do trigger desires as well as actions (Byrne and Osland, 2000). The multi-million dollar advertising industry, often using sexual images to sell anything from cars to soap, surely cannot be based wholly upon psychological misunderstandings (Rush, 1980). Several experimental findings across various cultures point to a boosting of sexual desire to engage in sexual activity as a result of viewing sexual imagery (Byrne and Osland, 2000). Of course, there is no simple one-to-one link. Furthermore, sexual representations often tap into powerful pre-existing desires.

  X-rated movies typically show sex that is devoid of any restraints, precautions or negative consequences such as disease or unwanted pregnancy. This type of film might encourage a lack of responsibility in sexual behaviour and even promote promiscuity by over-estimating its extent current in society (Samson and Grabe, 2012). It appears to tilt the balance of excitation/inhibition in favour of excitation and serve the role of ‘super-peer’.

  Being sexually aroused by witnessing others’ sexual activity is not confined to cultures that possess the technology for representation. In the Polynesian island of Mangaia, people are sexually excited by the sounds of others copulating. In some cultures, displays of copulation are performed to stimulate observers into action (Suggs and Marshall, 1971).

  Habituation and escalation

  In one regard, pornography mirrors reality: the multi-million dollar industry seems to bear witness to the tendency for habituation to set in with lengthy exposure. Surely, imagery of copulating bodies cannot go out of fashion that quickly, nor, even with extensive use, do any physical materials such as books and DVDs disintegrate. Indeed, controlled studies show that people become less aroused after repeated viewing of the same film, arousal being revived by a change of either actors or acts performed (Kelley and Musialowski, 1986). Extensive exposure turns some off pornography entirely or at least temporarily (Reifler et al., 1971), whereas others are motivated to seek more extreme forms, a familiar process of escalation. Over the years pornography has become more extreme, including increasing sadomasochistic themes (Doidge, 2007), suggesting an escalation in terms of satiety with earlier (‘tame’) forms setting in.

  Watching pornography can create dissatisfaction in established relationships when the partner fails to live up to the standards of those in the film (Owens et al., 2012). The criterion of excellence has been elevated (‘escalation’), so that what was previously exciting is no longer and such excitement that is obtained requires the person to fantasize about the scenes in the porn film. As a porn user known as Len observed (Maltz and Maltz, 2010, p. 89):

  Out of curiosity and for a change of pace I’d read most anything – stories of bondage, incest, gang rape, torture, and all of those sorts of bizarre things that you don’t normally find…It’s a matter of becoming accustomed. I’ll find anything new and interesting at first. Then it becomes familiar and isn’t as exciting.

  Wanting and liking

  It appears that for some people, as the intensity of wanting pornography goes up, so the liking of it does not increase in parallel, as with sexual addiction. It can now be better understood in terms of emerging knowledge about how the brain controls desire. As the psychiatrist Norman Doidge observed (Doidge, 2007, p. 107): ‘Paradoxically, the male patients I worked with often craved pornography but didn’t like it.’

  Violent and coercive forms

  Police reports indicate that violent sexual offenders commonly view pornographic materials prior to offending (Rush, 1980). Of course, we should not form any simple equation that viewing violent pornography produces sexual violence (Buss, 2005). Sexual violence predates historically the availability of pornographic representations and is found in cultures having little or no exposure. However, pornography could be one amongst many factors.

  John Court reported (cited by Lederer, 1980, p. 17):

  a chain reaction with people constantly seeking stronger stuff…increased availability of material dealing with sadomasochism, bondage, abuse of young children…and ritual murder and torture for sexual pleasure.

  Many people viewing violence have no wish to replicate the acts seen, but sadly some do. There is inconsistency concerning whether specifically aggressive pornography encourages sexual aggression, but the evidence suggests that it does (Owens et al., 2012; Lederer, 1980). Given the early plasticity of the brain (Chapter 2), we might expect adolescents to be particularly vulnerable to powerful visual images.

  Of importance in understanding the role of pornography is which model (‘theory’) of behaviour we accept. These come in basically two kinds: the cathartic model and the imitation model (Bart and Jozsa, 1980). According to the cathartic model, a person watching pornography achieves release (‘sublimation’) of sexual and/or aggressive tendencies. This acts as a safety valve and reduces his or her subsequent tendency to commit the type of act in question. Of course, this raises the question of how long any cathartic effect lasts. A short-term effect could be followed by a longer-term tendency to copy the behaviour. If the catharsis model were true, one might expect that, as the availability of violent pornography has increased, so the frequency of rape would decline, whereas the opposite is the case (Bart and Jozsa, 1980). The imitation model suggests that the actors serve as role models and this increases the subsequent tendency for the viewer to enact the scenes.

  At least one report suggests that watching what the researchers term ‘erotic’ rather than ‘pornographic’ material actually reduced males’ sexually coercive attitudes (Russell, 1980).

  Fantasy

  [T]he image of Françoise perpetually returned, he was obsessed by the idea that she was coming to him, that he was taking her, consuming her in his embrace…But as soon as he got up and put his head in a bucket of cold water the idea shocked him, for he was too old for her; yet the next night the torment would begin again.

  (Émile Zola, 1887/1975, p. 94)

  Basic principles

  Presumably, the evolutionary function of ‘hot imagery’ is that people imagine what is (or might be) in the world even in the absence of the corresponding sensory stimulation (Kavanagh et al., 2005). It can energize behaviour and bridge the gap until contact is made or help avoidance strategies. By means of fantasy, people can simulate possible scenarios, ‘testing the water’ safely (Fisher, 1986). ‘All my life I have gone back over, tinkered with and developed these few imagined situations with the application of someone composing a fugue, and those that serve me today are more or less altered versions of these originals’ (Millet, 2003, p. 40). Mental images in the form of sexually arousing fantasy play an important role in the sexual experience of many, if not most, people, both when alone or during sexual interaction with others. This imagery appears to play a role in people’s future sexual motivation, desire and planning, but much of it probably constitutes no more than unrealizable acting (Zillmann, 1984).

  Fantasy can be triggered by externally produced stimuli, such as the sight of another person or viewing pornography, or might have little apparent relation to any external triggering. Having formed images of sexually desired others and interactions with them, those having the fantasy can then enjoy this as they manipulate it in their conscious minds. With luck
on their side, in this fantasy world, people have control over their interactions with their partner and setting, limited only, quite literally, by their own imagination. Fantasy might also serve to fuel bizarre behaviours or trigger frustration as imagined events fail to occur in reality (Zillmann, 1984). As Kavanagh et al. (2005, p. 462) note in the context of drugs, but presumably of broader application: ‘The relish seduces us into successive elaborations of the desire, but the piquancy of this relish also amplifies a sense of deprivation and torture when the target cannot immediately be obtained.’

  Fantasy need not be contaminated by the embarrassments, fears and dangers nor the legal and social sanctions and practical difficulties that are involved in real sexual action. There are no government health warnings to restrain us, no nosey neighbours, no one to police and censor the experience, though it is not entirely free of guilt for everyone (Ellis and Symons, 1990). Given that it is not subject to such practical restraints and considerations, accurate accounts of fantasy could prove a valuable source of insight into ‘unconstrained’ desire (Hicks and Leitenberg, 2001). Evidence on fantasy is, rather obviously, derived primarily from the self-report of the person experiencing it. However, for the psychologist, fantasy can be used as a revealing probe of sexual interest and desire.

  The activity has not always been so free of harmful consequences: under pressure in the Inquisition, confessing to the fantasy of committing adultery with the devil could lead to being burnt at the stake (Money, 1977). These days, for many people, fantasy is a world in which they need not fear shame, humiliation or rejection, unless, of course, that is necessary to excite them! Exceptions to this blissful state include when the fantasy is unacceptable either to the individual concerned (when it assumes the form of an obsessive disorder and thereby forms a different category of experience) or to society.

  Spontaneous and responsive desires

  A distinction is commonly made between spontaneous and responsive desires (Meana, 2010; Nobre and Pinto-Gouveia, 2008). Sexual fantasy can also be induced by a deliberate effort. A spontaneous desire is triggered in the imagination, whereas a responsive desire is triggered externally. It is frequently claimed that men show more spontaneous desire than women do. It would be hard to claim that every spontaneous desire simply pops from nowhere into the conscious mind. They presumably arise from an unconscious memory store, often primed by subtle environmental cues or conscious thoughts. There might be some external triggering by cues associated with desire, even unconsciously. So, spontaneous desire and responsive desire could lie on a continuum of being more or less externally triggered.

  If the conscious mind is engaged in some incompatible activity, such as public speaking, any erotic imagery might be no more than fleeting. Otherwise, it might be elaborated (Kavanagh et al., 2005).

  Frequency

  Surprisingly, a poll carried out by the New York Times in 2000 found that 48 per cent of people did not approve of fantasy about someone other than the individual’s current partner (Hicks and Leitenberg, 2001). Former US President Jimmy Carter famously admitted to having committed adultery ‘in my heart’ (Chapter 12), which he distinguished from physical adultery, the former being forgivable. Fantasy might not always be free of danger; Carter’s poll ratings slipped after this confession. However, a survey at the University of Vermont, Burlington found that a large majority of men and women had sexual fantasies in the preceding two months (Hicks and Leitenberg, 2001). For those who feel guilt about their fantasies, this knowledge could offer some comfort.

  Content

  The precise content of fantasy surely takes many forms, but popular themes involve having sex with someone other than one’s partner, having sex with a random stranger and group sex. In the University of Vermont study, 98 per cent of men and 80 per cent of women entertained fantasies about someone other than their partner (Hicks and Leitenberg, 2001).

  Fantasy sometimes involves a complex story-line of sequential moves but at other times just a single brief passing scene of sexual encounter. Reliving a sexual encounter from the past is a popular theme (Crepault et al., 1977). Another theme is straightforward intercourse with a past or current partner (Doskoch, 1995). Common themes amongst women are ones that involve passivity and loss of responsibility, as in a masochistic interaction (Crepault et al., 1977). Of course, in such a fantasy women still remain in control, which makes the experience very different from reality (Russell, 1980).

  Fantasy not only mirrors reality in terms of intensity and frequency but also in content (Byrne and Osland, 2000). Those having a fantasy involving coercion are also more likely to try coercive techniques in reality. A sample of women engaging in swinging and having their first homosexual experience in this context was examined (Dixon, 1984). Of those reporting masturbation, only 4.5 per cent of them fantasized about homosexual contact prior to the experience, whereas 61 per cent did so afterwards, exemplifying how fantasy can be fed by reality.

  Context

  Sexual fantasy can occur at any time, including during masturbation and non-sexual activities as well as sexual interactions (Jones and Barlow, 1990). During a sexual interaction, it can concern the present situation (e.g. a self-directed silent message of the kind ‘of all the men I know, I must be the luckiest’) or some hypothetical situation and partner. Erotic imagery can sometimes take on an obligatory component for a person to attain sexual arousal, with a particular detailed theme being repeated on each occasion (Crepault et al., 1977). Some men prove impotent without having their favourite fantasy as a prop (Money, 1977). In a sample of women, fantasy was particularly evident in the phase prior to orgasm and seemed to be a necessary trigger to attain this (Crepault et al., 1977). There is the occasional report such as the following of a woman for whom (Greenson, 1977; p. 226):

  In order to reach orgasm it was necessary for her husband to tell her stories of some sexual perversion which he had committed or imagined in the past.

  Fantasy is especially evident in long-term relationships, where presumably it helps to compensate for reduction in desire (Crepault et al., 1977).

  In surveys, of the people who report masturbating, the majority also report having fantasies while they do so, with males showing a higher percentage of fantasy than females (Leitenberg and Henning, 1995; Kinsey et al., 1953). In masturbation, males normally find it difficult, if not impossible, to reach orgasm in the absence of fantasy, whereas females more commonly achieve this (Kinsey et al., 1953). A high percentage of people report occasional fantasies during intercourse, with males and females roughly equally represented (Leitenberg and Henning, 1995).

  Gender differences

  Both men and women tend to enjoy and feel excited by their sexual fantasies and experience a rich and varied content. Men report more frequent sexual fantasy than do women (Ellis and Symons, 1990; Jones and Barlow, 1990), but we have only the sampled individuals’ word for this difference.

  There is some gender difference in the contents of fantasy, though this represents only a trend rather than an absolute distinction. As such, ‘art’ again imitates reality. Men tend to fantasize in terms of rich, explicit and rather basic visual ‘anatomical’ detail. For women, the tendency is to attach meaning, that is a context of relationship, romance and emotional empathy (Ellis and Symons, 1990; Leitenberg and Henning, 1995; Meana, 2010). Compared to the fantasy of females, that of males is more likely to be with a stranger, to be anonymous, to involve a much larger number of imagined partners, to accelerate rapidly in intensity and to switch partner mid-fantasy (Ellis and Symons, 1990).

  It appears that men and women are about equal in terms of the amount of internally generated fantasy that they experience whereas males experience twice as much externally triggered fantasy, for example that in response to an attractive person in the street (Jones and Barlow, 1990). So, fantasy mirrors reality and again points to the layered nature of motivation, with women attributing meaning. Women’s fantasies tend to situate them more frequently in the role of passiv
e recipient, while men’s concern the active initiator (Leitenberg and Henning, 1995).

  The greater the number of sex partners a person has had, the greater is the tendency to fantasize about someone other than the current partner, a correlation that is particularly strong in women. Hicks and Leitenberg (2001) suggest three possible reasons for this:

  People with a relatively large number of past partners might have led the kind of life that subsequently triggers fantasy.

  A rich fantasy life might trigger people to try out novel partners.

  There could be a common factor of sensitivity to novelty underlying both number of partners and tendency to fantasize outside the current relationship.

  Emergence of the fantasy’s theme

  Fantasy is believed to be involved in the development of sexual desire, whether conventional or deviant (Storms, 1981). Any association with masturbation is thought to strengthen the content of the fantasy. One particular fantasy acquired early can come to dominate fantasy life. This is exemplified by Catherine Millet: ‘the very first narrative that accompanied my masturbating – and one that I used again and again for very many years – put me in a situation where I was dragged into one of these shelters by a boy. I saw him kissing me on the mouth and touching me all over as his friends came to join us’ (Millet, 2003, p. 38).