“I was never going to come back,” I say, and she smiles.
“Well, whatever brought you back, there had to be a reason,” she tells me. “It’s what you do going forward that will speak volumes.”
“I’m staying,” I say, and she crosses her hands over her chest. “For good.”
“You are going to make a lot of people very happy.” She hugs me now around my waist and places her head on my chest. “You need to talk to him.”
“I know,” I say. “I do. It’s just …”
“You’ll know when it’s time. I love you, Ethan, the boy you were, the man you were, and the man you are now,” she tells me. “Now why don’t we get back there before they send out a search party for us.” As we walk back to the barbecue, I know I can scratch another name off my list.
Chapter Nineteen
Emily
I sit in the middle of the couch, correcting the essays from my students last week. I know I should get up and go to the barbecue, but after walking away from him, I drove back home and cried.
Seeing him with his shirt off jilted me a bit, but after seeing the angry scar on his side, I couldn’t keep from asking if he was okay. If I hadn’t been sitting in the chair when he told me he died, I would have fallen to the floor. My heart dropped out of my chest, and my stomach ached. He told me his story or a piece of it, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his lap and hug him. But instead, I agreed to get to know him, get to know the man who he is now. When I got home, I was shocked to find a box sitting by my door with all the things I’d kept at Drew’s.
When I picked it up, I found a letter placed on the top. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it was nothing that was in the letter.
Here is your stuff. If you can get me mine by tomorrow it would be appreciated. Just leave it on the porch.
He didn’t even sign his name. I looked at the stuff in the box, and I had to laugh. He was returning my coffee mug. I shake my head at the couple of shirts I had there, and the one picture he kept in his house. I took everything out and threw it in the garbage, then I walked around the house with the same box and filled it up or at least that was the plan. In the end, the only thing I had of his was a tie. We were together for over two years, and all he had at my house was a tie. I walked into the bathroom and thought maybe I’d find his aftershave or at least his razor, but no. I had more shit that belonged to Brett in my house than I did of Drew. I dropped the empty box by the door and decided to stay in. Jenna called to check on me and after convincing her I was okay, I changed into my yoga pants, grabbed the stack of papers I needed to grade, and then got lost in the stories of my students.
As I start another paper, I hear a soft knock on the door. I thought for sure it would be Jenna, but when I open it, I stand here looking at him. He has a baby blue button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, making the blue of his eyes stand out even more with his shirt color. I look at the ink on his arms, and I want to touch it so bad. He wears khaki pants with brown boots. “I thought you might need something to eat,” he says, lifting the bag that he has in his hand that I didn’t even notice. “It’s your favorite.”
I motion with my hand. “Come in.” After I move to the side, he steps in, his eyes going to the box by the door. “You didn’t have to bring me anything.”
“I know I didn’t have to,” he says, not moving from the door. “But I wanted to.” He smiles, and I try to ignore the way my heart beats, or that the pain in my chest is just a little less since last week. He places it on the counter next to the picture of Drew and me. It’s the only thing I kept that was in the box. It was one of our first dates, where we were dressed up to go to his work function. “You look good here,” he says, looking at it and then up again. “I mean, you look good in anything.” He puts it down, and then he just stares at me.
“What did you bring me?” I ask, grabbing the brown paper bag and finding containers inside. “Is this chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes?” I look at it and then grab another container to find the gravy. “Oh my god.” I turn and pop it into the oven and set the timer. “I haven’t eaten all day.” I walk over to the fridge. “Would you like a beer?”
“Water is fine,” he says, and I look at him. “I don’t really drink that anymore. I will have one occasionally.”
I open a water bottle for him and hand it to him. “I have to tell you something,” he starts, and I just look at him. “Talk is already starting about you and Drew.”
“What?” I ask, shocked. “How?” I shake my head; this is what happens in the South. The chatter goes around so fast.
“He was in town this morning with I guess the girl he was with yesterday,” he tells me, and I look at him with my mouth hanging open. “Someone told Kallie, and she told me.”
“Oh my god,” I say, putting my hand to my mouth. “How fucking …” I start to pace in the kitchen. “How pathetic is this going to make me look?” He watches me as I pace. “My first boyfriend takes off for five years, leaving me without a second look, and the man who I was going to marry is with a new girl five hours later.”
“That doesn’t make you look pathetic,” he says. “It makes us look like idiots.”
“What are you talking about?” I shout at him.
“You left Drew,” he points out.
“Oh, yeah, ’cause that sounds better. We aren’t together because he was fucking another woman because I didn’t give it up to him.” I close my eyes and put my fingers on the bridge of my nose. “Oh my god. It took them three years to look at me without pity when you left,” I say, and I can see him wince. “No offense, but I used to walk into places, and it used to be, ‘Oh, dear, you’ll find love soon.’ What a fucking asshole.”
“If you want, we can head into town now and make out in the middle of Main Street.” He smiles at me. “Can you imagine what they’d say?”
“Yeah, I’ll be the biggest bitch of all time. It’s no wonder she left him. She never got over Ethan.” I mock the way the town would talk.
“Did you?” he asks, and I look at him. “Did you get over me?”
I think about my answer. Well, I know my answer, but I’m not sure I’m ready to admit it. “What are you asking me, Ethan?”
“I’m asking if you got over me,” he asks point-blank.
“Do I even have to answer this question?” I shake my head. “You heard Drew. I never slept with him, and I was going to marry him.”
“That could mean so many things,” he says to me. “It could be that you weren’t attracted to him. It could be that you weren’t ready for it. It could be you were saving yourself for marriage.”
“Saving myself for marriage. We slept together five times a week, if not more!” I shout at him, and I want to take it back. I don’t want him to know that I still remember. “I think saving myself for marriage was out the door.”
“When I would be out on a mission, we sometimes would have to wait it out. During those times was when I used to talk to you the most,” he tells me. “In my head, I used to tell you about my day.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I say, shaking my head. “I thought I could do it, but I don’t know if I can.”
“Why?” he asks, crossing his hands over his chest. “Tell me why.”
“Because it hurts,” I say, the pain in my chest heavy again. “Because it hurts right here.” I point at my chest. “Because those years without you were the worst. Because knowing you were out there without me was unbearable.” I wipe the tear away.
“Because you love me,” he tells me. “I know you do, Em,” he says as he comes around the counter, and I hold my breath. My heart speeds up faster as he cups my face in his hands. “I know because I love you just as much. Thinking about you for the past five years was my own living hell. I thought it was what I deserved for walking away from you.
“Every single birthday, I would watch the sunrise. Every single time I would walk outside, I would look up at the stars and wonde
r where you were. Every single time my heart beat, it beat for you.” His voice goes soft, and his face comes closer. “You can fight it all you want, but you and me, Sunrise, it’s a forever kind of love,” he says, and his lips find mine in the softest way for just for a moment. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken that kiss. I told myself that I would wait for you to be ready.” His hands fall from my face, and my hands come up to touch my lips.
“What if I’m never ready?” I ask, and he looks down.
“Then we are going to be two sad single people for the rest of our lives,” he says. “I’m going to head out.”
I don’t move from my spot in the kitchen as I hear the door close, and then his car starts, and he drives away. I open the oven, taking out the food, and eat by myself at the island. It’s not the first time I’ve eaten alone in this house. I spend most of my meals alone, and I am okay with it. I sit here, playing our talk over and over in my head. I think of Ethan and his talk, and then I think of Drew and his blatant disrespect for me by bringing his girl into town less than twenty-four hours after returning his ring to him.
I slam the fork down and grab my car keys. The minute my foot touches the last step, the clouds open, and the rain pours down. Not just a little drizzle, I’m talking downpour, and by the time I get in my car, I’m soaked all the way through. I don’t care as I drive with the wipers going as fast as they can. Yet I can barely see the road. It takes me more time than I thought to get there, and when I get out, I can’t avoid being rained on. The sound of thunder now comes rolling in, and when I knock on the door, harder than I wanted to, a bolt of lightning illuminates the sky. I wait at the door as the wind picks up and the water flies at me.
He opens the door, and I see him wearing shorts and nothing else. I had this whole speech prepared, but now, looking at him, all the words are out of my head, so I say the two words that I was going to end the speech with. “Fuck you.” He just looks at me, which makes him even hotter. “Fuck you for everything.”
He stands there, holding the door with one hand, and I advance and then push him with everything I have. With my hands on his chest, I push him back, and he stumbles back a couple of steps and the wind slams the door behind me. “Fuck you,” I say again, pushing him again. “I was getting over you. I was moving on, and then you just come back and …” I push him, but this time, he grabs my arms. Neither of us says anything as I try to rip my hands free from him. My heart pounds as if I just ran a marathon. My stomach sinks, or maybe it’s the butterflies from touching him.
My back is against the door now, and I try to push him away one more time, but this time, he steps in closer to me. The sound of the rain hitting the door echoes in the doorway. He pushes my hands beside my head. I catch my breath from running up here and pushing him back. He looks at me, and I see that he’s so close to me, he’s too close to me. I look at him in the eyes, look at the blue of his eyes, and I can’t believe he’s here. In all this time having him here, I never really had to think he was actually here. After five years, he’s here in front of me, after years of dreaming of touching him and actually touching him. It’s overwhelming, and I do the only thing I can. I lean my head forward, and before you know it, my lips are on his.
He opens his mouth for me and slides his tongue in with mine. I think I moan, or maybe it’s him. Either way, he moves in even closer to me, making my head touch the door softly. His fingers intertwine in mine as our tongues wrestle with each other. The sound of our heavy breathing is cut out by the thunder again. He bends his knees a bit and turns his head to the other side, and his hands leave mine as he takes my head in his hand, and my hand slips from his hands to his arms and then his back.
I want to touch him everywhere. I move my hands from his shoulder to his face the same time he holds my face in his hands. I arch my back to get closer to him, and his hand slips around my waist while I move my hand from his face to his neck and then to his shoulders. The whole time, our heads move from side to side to get the kiss to go deeper. His one arm around my waist brings me closer to him, and our heads finally let go just a little as our lips move away from each other. Our noses still touch as I open my eyes and look at him, his lips come closer to mine now, and the hand I had on his neck slowly moves away from him. His hands fall from my waist, and I just look at him. The man who broke my heart five years ago by walking away from me, the man who I tried to get over, the man who I will never stop loving. He takes a step away from me, and I open the door, and it’s my turn to walk away from him.
Chapter Twenty
Ethan
I watch her through the rain as she walks to her car. I call out her name, but she ignores me. “Emily!” I shout, walking out of the house into the pouring rain. “Emily!” I shout her name again, and I can see her shoulders shaking. “Emily.” I jog to her and stop her from opening the door. “Emily, stop.”
“No.” She doesn’t turn around as her shoulders shake, and I see her head fall forward.
“Sunrise,” I say her name, and then the thunder claps. “Please.” I put my hands on her arms and pull her to me. Her back to my chest and I wrap my arms around the top of her chest, hoping my heat will get her to stop shaking as the rain just pours all around us.
“I was moving on,” she says, sobbing out almost in a wail, and I feel so helpless. There is nothing I can do to make this better, and it’s killing me. “I was doing okay.” She puts her hand on my arms around her chest. When she showed up, I was shocked. I never thought she would come over on her own. When I left her, so many things were going through my mind. I wanted to tell her that I would spend the rest of my life making sure she is okay. I wanted to tell her that from this moment forward, I would never leave her again. But I needed to go slow. At least that is what I thought.
“Sunrise, I love you,” I whisper in her ear, and she stops shaking. “I have loved you my whole life. I will love you in this life, and I’m sure that I loved you in a past life, and I’ll find you in the next life. You are the reason I’m alive today.”
“You left me,” she says the three words that cut me. “You just left me.” She turns in my arms now. “You left me, and I had to learn how to breathe without my chest hurting. I had to learn how to go an hour without wanting to call you. I had to learn how to wake up and pretend I was okay. I had to learn how to live again.” She puts her head down and cries, and I pull her into my arms. “I can’t survive that again.”
“You don’t have to. You won’t ever have to,” I say. “Let me prove it to you,” I beg her. I will spend my whole life begging her. “You deserve so much better than me,” I admit. “You deserve someone who doesn’t make you cry. You deserve a man who lifts you up instead of pulling you down. You deserve a man who has never hurt you. You deserve a man who doesn’t have you doubting your worth because you are worth everything. You deserve all of that.” My heart breaks. “I should let you find it, but I’m not that good of a man. I am going to prove to you that I deserve it.” I put my hand under her chin to lift her face up to see me. “There is nothing more in this life I need to do but prove it to you.”
“What if you realize that you aren’t in love with me?” she asks the question I’ve asked myself over and over again. One of my biggest fears is that she realized she never really loved me.
“How could I not love you?” I say and then take her hand and place it over my heart. “You come into the room, and my heart feels so big it might come out of my chest. I look over at you, and my heart races. Emily, you are my heart.” I put my forehead on hers.
“You are going to have to give me time,” she says. “I just …”
“I will give you all the time you need,” I say softly. Taking her face in my hands, I rub her cheeks with my thumbs. “I love you.”
“Ethan.” She says my name, and the rains starts to slow down. “I beg you.” Her voice goes low. “Don’t do this if you aren’t sure.”
“You are my reason,” I say. “You are the reason that I get u
p in the morning. You are the reason I fought to live. You. Are. My. Reason.”
Her hands come up to hold my hands on her face, and she whispers the words I’ve heard her say in my dreams for five years. “I love you, Ethan.” She laughs now as she cries at the same time. “I never stopped. I tried, I really did, and it just … A part of me knew I would love you always.”
“Sunrise,” I say as my own tears stream down my face. “I’m about to break a promise to you, and I really don’t want to do it.”
“Kiss me, Ethan.” She doesn’t even finish saying the words before my mouth is on hers, and we are clinging to each other. This right here is the reason I survived what I did. This kiss, this love, this woman is my reason for everything.
She pulls away first. “I have to go and get things ready for tomorrow.” She looks down. “Can we keep this our secret for now?” She must see the hurt on my face. “Not because I’m unsure or anything. I just want it to be ours for a while.”
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