Flaming Zeppelins

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “Oh, shit,” said the Lion Man. “That had to hurt.”

  The Pig Man toppled to the ground spouting blood. The dark man hissed as the others circled him. “By God,” said the Goat Man, “he’s ripped out Jerry’s throat.”

  The Sayer of the Law bent over the Pig Man, said, “He’s dead.” Edging closer to the dark man, the Sayer of the Law said, “Not to kill, that is the law. Are we not men?”

  “No,” said the dark man in his accented voice, “you are not men. You are beasts walking around on your hind legs like men. You are playing like you are men. But you are not men.”

  “See there,” said the Lion Man, “I told you, Sayer. We are not men. Just like I been saying all along.”

  “He did say that,” one of the beast men said.

  “But I thought…” started the Goat Man, but he trailed off. “Goddamn it. We’ve been bumfuzzled.”

  “And to think I gave up meat,” said the Lion Man. “You know how much I like meat.”

  “That wasn’t a big problem for me,” said the Goat Man. “But now I know why my back hurts.”

  “Who’s to say this man knows anything?” said the Sayer. “He has merely violated the law. He is not the law. Who is he to say who we are? Are we not men?”

  “I don’t know,” the Lion Man said. “I think maybe, considering what he did to Jerry, we ought to just go with it. You know.”

  “You are such pathetic things,” said the dark man. He bent over, grabbed Jerry’s carcass, began to suck at the wound in the creature’s neck.

  “Oh my,” said the Lion Man. “Oh God, that looks good.”

  The dark man tossed the corpse aside, as easily as if it were made of straw. “Have a taste, my friend. You were born to it.”

  The Lion Man slowly dropped to all fours, edged toward the corpse.

  “Don’t listen to him,” said the Sayer. “Not to go on all fours, that is the law. Not to eat meat or fish, that is the law.”

  “Don’t get in my way,” said the Lion Man, “that is my law.”

  “Silence,” said the tall, dark man. “I am the law. I am the power. Try me, if you think I am not.”

  The crowd watched Bill tear at the meat that had been Jerry the Pig Man. The creatures who had been birthed from meat eaters filled their nostrils with the smell of Jerry’s blood, eased toward the kill. The others slowly bent until their hands rested in the dirt. From them went up a sigh of relief.

  As the carnivorous among them tore at the meat on the ground, and the others watched, the dark man turned to the Sayer, said, “I am Vlad Tepes. The Undead, former ruler of Transylvania and once upon a time a little chunk of Turkey. Or so I think. The memory fades a little with age. From here on out, I am your master.”

  The Sayer dropped to his knees.

  “Yes, Master, you are the law.”

  “From now on, I will call you Wolf.”

  “Yes, Master.”

  “What of Doctor Momo, our Father?” asked one of the creatures, perhaps a mixture of cat and squirrel.

  “Whoever he is,” said Vlad, “he is nothing compared to me. I am the power and all the power you need or know. Forget this one you call the father. I am more powerful. And where I come from, the strong rule.”

  Vlad’s voice made the air tremble, worked inside of them like a parasite, seized their skulls and shook their gray matter.

  “The nose in the crotch,” Vlad said to the Sayer, whom he now called Wolf. “You can stop that. And do not sniff my posterior either. It annoys me.”

  Behind them the sky had started to lighten.

  “I will return to my coffin now,” said the Transylvanian. “You and your friends carry me to some place soft, not out in the open, bury me before daylight. The light greatly disturbs my eyes. By the way… Is this Asia?”

  The beast looked puzzled.

  “I thought not. Now do as I say.”

  With that, the dark man climbed back into his coffin. Wolf fastened on the lid. The beasts picked up the box and carried it into the jungle.

  As daybreak broke, Hickok and Annie found themselves exhausted. They had tried to trip their door’s latch from the inside, but failing that, they had spent the night making love, which was not a bad consolation prize.

  Now, as daylight trickled in through the barred windows and exhaustion set in, Hickok wished he had spent at least a portion of the night sleeping.

  Annie rose naked from the sheets, walked to the bathroom in that beautiful way only a well-built woman can walk, ran a bath. She loved the way the water got hot out of the tap. She had always had to have her water heated on a stove. There were good things about Doctor Momo and his island. But not many.

  While she waited for the water to reach the right temperature, she returned to the bedroom, said, “And what are our plans now?”

  “I would say, at least until nightfall, intercourse is not in the near future. I think I’ve pulled something.”

  Annie smiled. “Actually, I think I could interest you rather quickly.”

  “Yes,” Hickok said. “But please don’t. I hope to have this little item for future years to come, and not lose it in one exciting and lovely day. You are most energetic, my dear.”

  “You know what I can’t help but think about, in spite of myself?” Annie said, losing her smile.

  “What?”

  “Poor Bull. Locked alone in his room with nothing to do.”

  “Goddamn. That hurt, Cat,” Bull said.

  “Sorry,” she said.

  “No. It hurt good. Keep on doin’ what Cat doin’.”

  She did. When she finished, she said, “Bull, do you love me?”

  “Love? Love too soon. Only first date.”

  “Date?”

  “Never mind. Stupid thing white men do.”

  “Doctor Momo tells me that he loves me. He always says it before he mounts me.”

  “Bull love,” he said, taking her from behind.

  Doctor Momo, reluctant to rise from his bed, screamed for Jack. Jack bolted into the room. “Yes, Doctor.”

  “Where is Cat?”

  “I don’t know, Doctor. Haven’t seen her.”

  “It is time for her to have her reading lesson.”

  “I thought you usually put the old horse dick to her about now.”

  “True. But reading is close behind. And she must take her shot. Find her, will you.”

  Jack bounded out of the room, yelling, “Cat! Cat! Get your ass in here.”

  Inside Bull’s room, Cat heard Jack screaming for her as he ran down the hall.

  “Oh no. The doctor is looking for me. It’s time for what he calls dorking.”

  “Dorking?”

  “What we have been doing.”

  “Oh.”

  “Then I have my reading lesson and my shot.”

  “Shot?”

  “He gives me, and himself, an injection with a hypodermic. If he does not, he will lose his horse member. And I…I will convert back to neither what I am now nor what I was. I will be like the others on the island. The beast men.

  “I will not be a success, but a failure. That is what the doctor calls the others on the island. Failures. Jack and I are his successes. I must go. If he finds me here, he will have me whipped. He might not give me my shot. And we are in the middle of an excellent Dickens novel as well. I want to know what happens to little Nell. You understand, do you not?”

  Bull nodded. “Go, Cat. Go.”

  As Cat pulled on her clothes, she said, “I will have to trip the latch from the outside again, so he will not be suspicious.”

  “Give Bull key.”

  “It fits all the rooms. Hide it.”

  Cat gave Bull the key, and when she left, he locked himself in from the inside.

  After Doctor Momo saw Cat and did his thing and did her thing and gave her a shot and one for himself, he went to Cody’s room. When he opened the door, Ned opened his eyes.

  “Ah,” said the doctor. “You are keeping our guest c
ompany?”

  Ned nodded.

  “Good. Good. Take that blanket off his head.” Ned removed it.

  The doctor removed the lid from the case, tapped Cody sharply on the head with his knuckles.

  “Hey, goddamn it,” Cody said. Then: “Why, Doctor Momo. My apologies. I was asleep.”

  “Quite all right, my good man. Interested in that body today? Hhmmmmm? Hhhhmmmmmmmmm?”

  “Yes. Yes I am. Might it be too much to ask that Ned here accompany us? I have grown quite fond of him.”

  Ned rose in such a way as to seem at attention. Or as close to attention as a seal can get. Doctor Momo studied him. “Why yes. That will be quite all right. Come, Ned. Jack. Get in here.”

  Jack, who had been waiting outside in the hallway, bounded into the room. “Get Colonel Cody’s head, will you?”

  Jack put the lid on the container, picked up the whole affair, including the waste box, and away they went.

  Hickok and Annie bathed together, then dressed. Both were in need of breakfast and coffee. They were discussing that when the door was unlocked, pushed aside, and there stood Bull with Cat.

  “Horse dick in shack with Cody’s head,” Bull said.

  “It’s a laboratory,” Cat explained. “It is the House of Discomfort.” She shook. “I was created there. It is a terrible place. Once when I was sassy he took me there. He will be there for hours. I can show you to the other side of the island.”

  “You have been to the other side of the island?” Annie asked. “We made it about halfway, I think. You’ve been beyond that point?”

  Cat nodded. “Before…before I was Catherine. When I was just…a cat. I remember some of it.”

  “The other side of the island isn’t hard to find,” Hickok said. “You just walk around the beach. The problem is the monkey men. We are now under house arrest. They won’t let us leave the compound.”

  “Not to worry,” Bull said. “Cat have plan.”

  Good, thought Hickok, a former house cat with a horse vagina has a plan.

  Cat unlocked Doctor Momo’s room, and they entered.

  “Where is that little weasel Jack?” Hickok asked.

  “With the doctor. He is nearly always with the doctor.”

  There was a crystal container on the nightstand, a hypodermic needle.

  “What is this?” said Annie. “Is the doctor some kind of addict?”

  “It is the serum that keeps me from turning back to what I was.” Annie took the glass knob out of the top of the container and sniffed. “Bull, you have a good nose. Tell me what you think?”

  Bull sniffed. “Water.”

  “No. That is the serum,” Cat said.

  “No. Bull said, that water.”

  “But it is the serum.”

  “Then serum water,” Bull said. “Bull can smell good.”

  “Provided you have bothered to bathe,” said Hickok.

  “No,” Bull said. “Can smell with nose good.”

  “He injects me and himself with water?…But why?”

  “Control,” Hickok said. “You see him do himself, it makes it more believable. You don’t need this.”

  “But, Cat, why did you bring us here?” Annie asked. “To show us that? The serum?”

  “No.” Cat rushed them into the next room. There was a large hand-woven carpet in the center of the room. Cat flipped it back. There was a trap door underneath. Cat opened it. There were stairs. They dropped down into darkness.

  “It leads to a spot in the jungle,” Cat said. “Doctor Momo has told me all about it.”

  “You’ve never actually been through it?” Annie asked.

  “No. But, sometimes, when he drinks too much, he talks of it. He had it built when he first claimed the island. He has showed me how to open it many times.”

  “Probably built by the monkey men,” Hickok said. “They seem the smartest and most energetic of his creations. With the exception of yourself, of course, Cat. You have certainly learned a lot in a short time. Way you speak. What you know.”

  “I am Doctor Momo’s greatest success.”

  “Ugh,” Bull agreed.

  “We’ll take a look,” Hickok said. “We find something, we’ve got to come back for Cody.”

  “He is no longer your friend,” Cat said. “You don’t know that,” Annie said. Cat shrugged.

  “Cody will come through all right,” Hickok said. “I’ve known him for years.”

  “What about the Frankenstein monster?” Annie said. “We find a way off, we’ll take him too,” Hickok said. “Why?” Cat said. “He’s just a monster. Made from dead bodies.” Hickok and Annie exchanged looks. Cat had become all too human.

  “Do you know how long Doctor Momo will be busy?”

  “All day. Until four o’clock sharp. I serve tea then. I have to prepare it at three.”

  “Then let’s have a quick looksee,” Hickok said.

  There was a switch on the wall. Cat flipped it. Electric lights flared in the tunnel. Once inside, Cat pulled the trap down, then used a string that went through the trap and attached to the rug. When she tugged it, it pulled the carpet back in place.

  They proceeded along the tunnel rapidly, soon came to a short flight of stairs. At the top of the stairs was a bolted door.

  Bull pushed aside the bolt, lifted the trap, climbed out.

  The others followed, found themselves standing in a small clearing surrounded by thick trees.

  Cat pointed. “Over there is where they live. The beast men.”

  “We have met them already,” Hickok said.

  “Ugh,” Bull said. “No like.”

  “We have to be very quiet, and go out and along the beach,” Cat said. “They will hear us making noise if we stay in the jungle. Sometimes they are bad tempered.”

  “Then we should walk carefully, by all means,” Annie said.

  “Now,” said Doctor Momo to Cody. “We can go about this different ways. Each has its strengths and drawbacks. Before we start, I would like to outline them for you.”

  They were in Momo’s laboratory. Cody’s head was on a work table. Jack was in the corner, eager to respond to Momo’s orders. Ned was nearby, positioned so he could see Buffalo Bill.

  “We could graft,” Momo said. “This means we take appendages and sew them to you. Not the best way. You would be not too unlike the Frankenstein monster, except you would never have been dead. Least not completely. Also, you might not be able to match all the body parts. And, right now, it would be monkey body parts, since that’s what’s available. So, we will agree, not a good way?”

  “Not a good way,” Cody said.

  “Two. We use a large fragment of human flesh, mix it with chemicals, graft it to your body, and it will grow, reproducing whatever it should reproduce. It’s a complex method. You have to code the cells to work in coordination with little tidbits in your brain that already know how to reproduce.”

  “Then why don’t they?”

  “That’s my discovery, Colonel Cody. Reading Darwin put me onto it. It caused me to dismiss my other methods, the methods I used on the animals. Catherine is made up of both methods. Grafting through surgery. The mare’s reproductive organs, for example. And cell regeneration. Here’s an example. Take a lizard. It can lose its tail, and can grow another. Inside our brains is a kind of signal that tells the body to repair itself. It does that in small ways. Healing wounds for example. Fighting disease. But it is only successful to a certain point. You lose an arm. Or, as in your case, a body, the brain can not replace that. It knows how, actually, but it can’t do it, because for some reason that ability in man lies dormant. Go figure. You would think that would be something we would need and nature would keep, but let me tell you, nature is not organized. That bullshit about how everything fits together in nature and it’s organized is three million pounds of wet bullshit. It is chaotic my friend. Evolution is chaotic. There is no grand design. That ability lies dormant in us all. What I have done is I have found a way
to activate it.”

  “Then why do you need to add flesh at all?” Cody asked. “Can’t you just spur that ability, have it grow what it needs?”

  “Alas, that is my goal. But I am not there yet. So far I can duplicate what all my colleagues have done. I can bring things back from the dead. Never works out. They want a soul. They do not like themselves. They want to be loved like children. Just a disaster. I can duplicate the work of Professor Maxxon. I can grow flesh in chemicals. But, it turns out a little messy. An eyeball here. An eyeball there. That kind of thing. Surgery. Well, that’s okay, but not good enough. Surgery with a bit of chemical growth, that was my best way until lately. The beasts that call themselves men, they were successes until I found my most recent method. Then they no longer seemed successful, so I put them on the other side of the island. I don’t like looking at my failures. This is some clever shit, that’s what I am trying to tell you. And I will become cleverer yet when I activate the brain to the extent that chemicals and flesh are not needed. At that point, I will be ready to return to the mainland and claim my prizes of recognition. I love prizes…I’m sure you could introduce me to some important people once we were ready to do that…return to the mainland. You could, couldn’t you? People with money?”

  “I suppose…so we can begin today?”

  “We can. And we will. But it will only be a partial success today.”

  “Partial?”

  “It is best, Colonel Cody, if I do what we need to do for today, and we discuss what we can do in the future later. Are you ready?”

  “I am…will it hurt?”

  “Oh, you bet. Especially the way I do it.

  “Jack, take the good colonel out of the jar will you, and leave the battery and important items intact. We would not want any little accidents, would we, Colonel Cody?”

  “I presume not.”

  “Oh, Colonel, let me tell you, there is no presuming. It would not be positive. Your head would be good for nothing more than something to kick about.”

  Jack looked up. The idea seemed to appeal to him.

  “Yes, then, be damn careful of my battery,” Cody said.

  “Jackie,” Momo said. “No little accidents for your own pleasure. You do that, Doctor Momo will graft something funny onto you. Understand?”