Flaming Zeppelins

by Joe R. Lansdale

  The monkey men went for their revolvers. The gunfire was loud in the hallway. Shots struck Bert. They hurt him, but they did not stop him. The monkey man he was swinging no longer had a head, just a red, wet stump. Bullets dove into Bert.

  Annie and Hickok opened their door, saw the action.

  Hickok burst out of the room, grabbed a revolver from one of the dead monkey men, started firing.

  Every shot was a winner. Four monkey men fell dead. Then Hickok snapped the revolver on an empty chamber. The other cylinders were empty; the owner of the gun had already fired two shots at or into Bert.

  Hickok grabbed up more revolvers, and now Annie was in the hallway, and she did the same. But by the time they did, a large number of the monkey men were dead by Bert’s hand, and the others were fleeing so fast they were falling over one another.

  Doctor Momo, who had been watching the action from down the hall through his partially opened door, closed it slightly and locked it.

  Rushing to the wall behind his bed, he threw open a secret panel, hit the alarm button. He hit it twice. That was the signal for all the monkey men to congregate at his room.

  On the other side of the compound, the alarm went off: a blaring horn, flashing lights placed strategically here and there.

  The monkey men came together in a heap, chattering.

  One of the monkey men, a survivor of the hallway fight, arrived with three of his comrades. He said, “That’s the alarm. We all know what to do, but I think we might not want to. Big guy in there is wiping the floor with us. Ugly business. Monkey guts and brains from wall to wall. Bullets just piss him off.”

  “Doctor Momo calls,” said one of the fresh recruits, “we’re supposed to go.”

  “We been,” said the first. “Didn’t like it much.”

  “Doctor Momo needs help.”

  “You know,” said the monkey man, unfastening his gun belt, letting it drop, taking off his shirt, scooting out of his pants, socks and shoes, standing hairy in his underwear, “I’ve been thinking about eating fruit up in a tree. A lot.”

  “Me too,” said another of the monkey men.

  Others chimed in with the same sentiment.

  Bending over, touching knuckles to the ground, they ran off into the jungle.

  One diehard, still dressed as a human, said, “But what about Doctor Momo?”

  “Fuck Doctor Momo,” one of the monkey men called back.

  The diehard stood for a moment, looked around the compound. He glanced hard in the direction of Doctor Momo. He glanced back at the open gate.

  Beyond, the jungle, lush, full of fruit and grubs, beckoned him.

  He slipped off his clothes, dropped to all fours, began to hoot and run for the jungle.

  Doctor Momo pressed the button again.

  “All right now. Where are you simian sonofabitches? Things are not looking good here. Get your asses over here.”

  Jack pounded on the door. Doctor Momo looked through the peephole. He opened it, let Jack in.

  “Where are those monkeys?”

  “They stripped off and tore out for the jungle,” Jack said. “They almost ran me down.”

  “Damn,” Doctor Momo said. “What about Cat? Why is she not showing up?”

  “I haven’t seen her. But I did see Tin.”

  “Good.”

  “No, not good. He took a shot at me. He was carrying a bunch of guns under his arms, including a Gatling. He saw me and put them all down, took a rifle out of the batch and shot at me. I was lucky he was such a crummy shot.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  “I think he’s in with them, Doctor.”

  “Them? You mean Ned and Cody?”

  “All of them. Hickok, the split tail, the whole lot.”

  “Bemo. We can escape in the submarine.”

  “No, that’s not going to work.”

  “And why not?”

  “Thought of that. Went by his room to get him, bring him here. He didn’t answer the door, had to unlock it. He was on the bathroom floor. He popped his bulb. Was already starting to smell.”

  “All right. All right. If that’s how they want it. They can have it. We’ll use the tunnel. Out on the beach, under a series of false boulders, I have a very fine boat. With a motor.”

  “A motor?”

  “That’s right, a motor. I built it with Bemo before I made you. You were a chimpanzee then. The boat is large, has a roof, plenty of room so we wouldn’t have to share a bed, very fine equipment. It is well stocked. Dried foods. Water. Playing cards with nude women on them in compromising positions with farm animals.”

  “We could turn this into a holiday,” Jack said.

  “Just what I have always taught you, Jack. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Get the work books, my notes, and you and I will haul out of here. I will set the device to blow up the compound. It will blast their asses all the way to the moon.”

  “What about Cat?”

  “Been nice knowing her,” Doctor Momo said.

  As they entered the tunnel the explosive device started to tick. It was designed to blast the island into a large series of swirling dust motes. It was programmed to go off in forty minutes.

  It took twenty minutes to get to the other side of the island.

  It would take two to three minutes to activate the boat.

  Then they would be gone.

  Plenty of time.

  The minutes ticked off on the bomb’s counter.

  One…

  Hearing a commotion at the compound, gunshots and such, the beast men out on the beach gathered in a huddle.

  “Doctor Momo’s got some action going,” Lion Man said, pushing his vest open, clutching it on either side like a happy politician.

  Wolf agreed. He was still wearing Vlad’s cape, and he had come to think of it as a sign of authority. Once it was the law, now it was the cape. Either way, he was the big cheese among the beast men and he intended to keep it that way.

  Two…

  “I say we go over there and eat Doctor Momo,” Lion Man said.

  “I don’t know,” said a creature so mixed of animals it was hard to know what he was. He was called Patch by the others. “He is still Doctor Momo.”

  There was another Goat Man in the crowd, and he thought of something he might want to say, then hesitated. After last night, after his friend had been eaten, he thought it best if he sort of went along to get along. He faded back into the crowd, tried not to bleat. He thought happy thoughts.

  “I say we eat everybody,” Lion Man said.

  Three…

  Patch, gathering his courage, said, “I didn’t want to bring this up, but, I think I should. There’s a time when it has to be said. I think if we are going to live together, and if we are going to eat meat, that is all right. But I think a certain someone amongst us needs to learn to draw the line. And we can’t eat everybody all in one day. Do that, all the food for you meat eaters will be gone.”

  “I don’t know,” Lion Man, said, “there are always lots of monkeys.”

  “Food must be handled carefully,” Patch said. “There is no such thing as an endless supply.”

  “That’s a point,” Wolf said to the Lion Man. “And, eating Billy, come on. He thought you and he were friends.”

  Lion’s head drooped. “I couldn’t help myself.”

  “And,” said the other Goat Man, finally finding courage, “not all of us eat meat. I just don’t have the teeth for it.”

  “All right, all right,” said Lion Man. “I agree. Not to eat friends, that is the law.”

  “That’s good,” Wolf said. “I will put that on our new list. Not to eat friends.”

  “But,” Lion Man said, “I still think we should eat Doctor Momo, monkey men, and that little Jack guy. Some of the others.”

  “That sounds good,” Wolf said. “Let’s march over there right now and get to eating.”

  “We can dig holes and put what we don’t eat in the holes,”
said a Dog Man. “It tastes better after it’s been in the ground awhile.”

  “That’ll work,” Wolf said. They started for the compound.

  Four…

  Five…

  Six…

  The monkey men were surprised to meet the assorted beast men at the edge of the jungle. It was not a happy surprise. A real wholesale slaughter went on.

  Seven…

  Monkeys were torn and ripped, thrown this way and that. A few fled into the trees, but they were heavier than when they were monkeys. They weren’t as agile. Tree limbs broke. Feet slipped. It was not a good day for the monkey men.

  Eight…

  When wet monkey parts were spread from one end of the jungle to the next, the beast men continued their march to the compound. Meat could be buried later.

  Nine…

  Bert, Tin, Hickok, Annie, Catherine, Bull and Ned, carrying Cody’s head, all came together near the dock where Bemo’s sub bobbed in the dark blue water.

  They arrived just as the beast men were coming out of the forest. Ten…

  “We see you!” the Lion Man yelled.

  In response, Hickok and the others looked up to see the creatures charging toward them. There must have been a hundred of them, foaming at the mouth, cussing, one wearing a cape, another a vest, some in remnants of clothes. They were growling, running on all fours.

  Eleven…

  Tin, who was still carrying the weapons, dropped everything, called out, “Grab something.”

  Tin himself grabbed the Gatling gun, pulled out the props, adjusted a belt of ammunition, told Bert, “Guide the belt. Feed me, baby.”

  Hickok and Annie snatched up rifles, poked revolvers in their pants. They shoved ammunition in their pockets. Hickok said, “Ned, can you get the submarine started?”

  Ned nodded.

  Twelve…

  “Take Cody on board, start it up.”

  Ned hustled Cody’s head onboard the submarine. Free of the jar, Cody was idly waving his arm about. Ned plopped Cody on the sub’s deck while he worked the hatch with his two thumbs and flippers. It was a pretty tough job, but finally he jerked the lid open.

  He grabbed up Cody, ducked inside, left the lid open for the others. The Gatling gun began to bark.

  Thirteen…

  Creatures dropped. Wolf got a hole shot in his cloak. The goat took one in the stomach. Patch got a leg blown off.

  A few of the charging beasts got past the Gatling barrage. Hickok, Annie and Bull blasted away, killing the creatures. Cat managed to shoot the ground twice, knock fruit out of a tree, and nearly deafen Bull, she fired so close to his ear.

  “Be better off, shoot self with that,” Bull said.

  “That’s mean,” Cat said.

  Fourteen…

  The beasts were on the run now. They grabbed up their wounded and fled into the jungle.

  A cheer went up from the defenders.

  Fifteen…

  Patch and the goat were dead before they had been carried twenty feet into the jungle. The creatures stopped, laid their comrades down and looked at them.

  Sixteen…

  “They were brave,” Wolf said.

  “They were,” Lion Man said. “Let’s eat them.”

  “No eating friends, that is the law,” one yelled out.

  “Hey,” Lion Man said. “Did we say anything about dead friends?”

  “Well, now,” Wolf said, “that’s a point. It’s not in the law. So, I suggest we eat them later.”

  Seventeen…

  This seemed agreeable. Their bodies were once again picked up, and the beasts, fed up with the Gatling gun, fled for the other side of the island.

  Eighteen…

  The zeppelinauts and their comrades climbed into the submarine with their bags and guns. Hickok closed the hatch and Ned took her out.

  Nineteen…

  Doctor Momo and Jack reached the end of the tunnel and attempted to lift the trap.

  It moved only slightly.

  “My God,” Doctor Momo said. “It’s hung. Give it a push, Jack.”

  Twenty…

  Jack gave it a push. It would not budge at first, then it gave.

  It gave because the Lion Man, who had stopped to rest, was no longer standing on it. He had felt the movement beneath his feet and had stepped off.

  When the trap opened, and out came Jack and Doctor Momo, the Lion Man and all the other beasts he had created were waiting.

  Twenty-one…

  Wolf, the leader, said, “Well, Doctor Momo. What a pleasant surprise. For us, anyway.”

  “Welcome to dinner,” said the Lion Man.

  Twenty-two…

  “Just who do you think you’re speaking to?” Doctor Momo said.

  “Why, to you,” said the Lion Man, reaching out to place a hand on Doctor Momo’s shoulder.

  Doctor Momo slapped the hand off. “I am your father. I am your creator. You will show respect. Sayer of the Law. What is the law?”

  Twenty-three…

  “I don’t do that anymore,” said Wolf, the Sayer.

  “The hell you do not,” said Doctor Momo. “Say the goddamn law.”

  Wolf was surprised to hear himself say: “Not to run on all fours…”

  The others began to quote it with him.

  Jack grinned from ear to ear.

  Twenty-four…

  The Lion Man let out a bellow. “Stop! This is not our law. This is his law for us. We aren’t his servants. Let’s eat him.”

  The beasts stopped quoting the law. They exchanged glances.

  Twenty-five…

  “Wait,” said Doctor Momo. “I am your father. Without me you would not exist.”

  “Not exist as we are,” said the Lion Man. “We were something before you made us this. We are that again. Animals. I eat meat, Doctor Father. I like meat. You are meat.”

  “NO! I am not to be eaten. But you must be satiated. I see that now. I was wrong to deny you.”

  Doctor Momo wheeled, extended his arm, jabbed a finger at Jack, said, “Take Jack.”

  Jack looked sharply at Doctor Momo.

  Twenty-six…

  “Doctor,” Jack said.

  But it was too late. Momo still had a certain power of command, and he had offered the Lion Man what he wanted.

  Meat.

  Twenty-seven…

  The Lion Man sprang on Jack. The meat eaters leapt, ripping. Jack screamed. Briefly.

  The nonmeat eaters cowered at the back of the crowd.

  While the frenzy went on, Doctor Momo slipped away from the huddle, slid through a clutch of trees, broke for the beach.

  Twenty-eight…

  The Naughty Lass was still on the surface, cruising for deep water.

  Twenty-nine…

  Thirty…

  The beasts ate in a fury. They tore off Jack’s head. It bounced above the crowd, every hand and paw reaching up to poke it. Soon they were kicking Jack’s head about the clearing.

  Thirty-one…

  Thirty-two…

  Doctor Momo reached a pile of black rocks on the beach. They were built up high. Odd. Unnatural looking.

  Because they were.

  He bent over, pulled at one of the rocks.

  It snapped open. Under it was a lever.

  Thirty-three…

  Doctor Momo pulled the lever.

  The ground slid open. There was a short flight of stairs.

  Doctor Momo went down. Inside, in a hangar, was a large, streamlined boat. It was designed and painted to look like a black shark. It bobbed up and down in a channel of water.

  Thirty-four…

  Doctor Momo opened a hatch, climbed inside, pulled the hatch cover closed. He sat behind a V-shaped steering device. In front of him was a large, slanted window. All there was to see was darkness.

  Thirty-five…

  Doctor Momo worked a switch on the control board.

  In front of the boat the rocks split open and there was light and the oce
an.

  Thirty-six…

  “Sorry, Jack,” Doctor Momo said aloud. “I can make another man, but there is only one Doctor Momo.”

  Thirty-seven…

  Doctor Momo pushed a lever forward and the boat jumped like a porpoise. It leapt into the light, tore out across the water in a burst of foam.

  Thirty-eight…

  The beast men quit kicking Jack’s head about. The Lion Man took it and started to gnaw on it. He said, “Hey, where’s Doctor Momo?”

  “Gone,” said Wolf. “He outsmarted us again.”

  Thirty-nine…

  “Let’s get him,” said the Lion Man.

  But, of course, it was too late.

  Forty.

  The island rumbled, seemed to grow in the middle. The ground rose up and split. Trees fell. The compound trembled.

  Then the whole island blew.

  It blew with one terrific rumble and a blast. It knocked dirt, trees, manmade structures, beast men and every living thing on the island into a mix of churning dirt and whirling explosives.

  The explosion made the sea ripple. It made the sky dark. It spat a cloud up high and white as fresh sperm. The cloud spread. It took the shape of a mushroom.

  The sea shook as if it were gelatin. Momo’s craft wobbled violently, but stayed afloat. It was making hot time, burning miles and splitting water.

  It was doing great.

  Momo laughed out loud.

  Then the boat hit the side of the still surfaced Naughty Lass and blew into a thousand pieces.

  It didn’t do Doctor Momo any good either. He went all over.

  A chunk of him slapped up against the side of the sub’s conning tower, hung there, then slipped off slowly and glided down gently into the water.

  The impact knocked a hole in the side of the submarine big enough to drive a boat through.

  The Naughty Lass took on water and began to sink.

  Inside, Ned scurried with Cody’s head toward one of the exit portals. He stood on the ladder and held Cody by the hair with his teeth. His little flippers and thumbs worked at turning the wheel that opened the hatch to the surface.

  It sprang open, and up and out Ned and Cody went.

  Bull and Cat came running down the corridor, saw the open hatch, water sloshing in through it.

  Bull pushed Cat toward the ladder, up she went, and up he followed.

  They leapt over the side.