Lush

by Beth Yarnall

  Easing the door closed, he turned toward Lucy’s closed door. He’d gotten used to being with her before turning in for the night. It was more than a physical thing between them. He’d already confessed his love for her, and even though she didn’t say it, he had an inkling she might feel the same. As with every thing between them, it was going to take some time and effort, but it was worth it. They were worth it.

  He went to his room and made a valiant attempt to sleep. Although he’d slept in his own bed every night after visiting Lucy, tonight it felt big and empty, and he didn’t have the smell of her on him or the memories of being with her to help him slip into slumber.

  She’d made it clear that she didn’t want him to visit her tonight. Their relationship was at a tipping point. She was starting to trust him and maybe even rely on him a little. While the sexual play between them had been hot, they left him feeling incomplete. It had nothing to do with his lack of physical release. He wanted more, something deeper. He’d give anything to have her snuggled up next to him right now. After a few more minutes he gave up and made the trek down the hall past Poppy’s room.

  He knocked on Lucy’s door and waited for her to let him in. It was a little like looking over the edge of a cliff right before he jumped off. Maybe the bungee cord would hold and she’d let him in or else it would snap and she’d shut the door in his face.

  The door cracked open and Lucy appeared, wearing plaid, flannel pajama pants and an oversized T-shirt. With no bra.

  “Yes?” she asked.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Cal, I told you I’m not feeling well. Maybe in a few days.”

  “Is there anything you need?”

  “No. I’ll be fine. I just need some sleep.”

  “That’s why I’m here. To sleep. That’s all I have in mind tonight. I promise. It seems as though I’ve grown used to being with you.”

  Lucy watched him, rubbing her crossed arms. “You’re drunk.”

  “I’m not drunk. I had a drink.”

  “I really just want to be alone. Can’t you understand that?”

  “If that’s what you want, darlin’.” He started to turn away.

  “Wait.”

  He held his breath, watching her face as a myriad of emotions moved across it. He’d give anything to know what she was thinking. Would she take a chance and trust him? Had he shown her enough times in enough ways that she could?

  “I can’t give you want you want,” she said.

  “All I want to do is sleep with you. Sleep as in close my eyes and snore and when I wake up in the morning see your beautiful face on the other pillow.”

  She eyeballed him for a few seconds more before she gave a short nod. “Sleep. And that’s all.”

  He would’ve whooped if he didn’t think it would get him kicked out of her room. “That’s all I’ve got planned.” He walked to the foot of the bed. “Which side do you prefer?”

  “This one.” She went to stand on the side closest to the door.

  He went to the opposite side of the bed. “Good choice.”

  This felt like a moment for them, one of those little things that changed everything after it. They both climbed in on their respective sides. He turned toward her, but she faced away, so he eased up behind her and put his arm around her.

  Her whole body went tense, and it was as though her breathing had stilled too. He snuggled deeper into her, and she let out a sound he’d never heard her make before. Instantly he backed away to his side of the bed.

  “What did I do?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “That was not a nothing response to a little cuddling.”

  “I don’t like it…like that.”

  “You don’t like cuddling like that?”

  “I don’t like anyone behind me.” She scooted closer to the edge away from him.

  He rolled to his back and stared up at the ceiling. It took a moment for him to think about what she’d said and not said. With Lucy it was one clue wrapped in a thousand layers of things she couldn’t bring herself to say. She didn’t like it like that with someone behind her. He suspected she wasn’t talking about cuddling. She was talking about sex and sex in that position. He sifted through some of his most amazing memories of doing it with Lucy just that way, including one of the first times they’d been together. She’d liked it then, but now…

  He turned his head and looked at her stiff form, curled up in a ball, clinging to the edge of the bed. This wasn’t what he had in mind when he’d imagined sleeping with his wife tonight.

  “Lucy?”

  “What?”

  “Will you turn over and look at me?”

  “Either go to sleep or leave.”

  He took a deep breath. He couldn’t put the question out of his mind, but at the same time he dreaded the answer. “Lucy, what did he do to you?”

  “You know what he did. You saw the photos. And you saw firsthand what he can do.”

  “Why can’t I cuddle you from behind?”

  “Damn it, Cal. Shut up and go to sleep.”

  “Did he make you do things you didn’t want to do? Sexual things?”

  “Why do you want to hear about it? Is this something you’re going to get off on later?”

  He put a hand on her shoulder to try to get her to roll toward him. “I think you should go see a counselor, someone you can talk to.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You’ll never get past it if you don’t.”

  “Stop pushing me on this.”

  “Darlin’—”

  She whipped toward him so fast he jerked back. “You want to hear about how he raped me? Or how when he wasn’t raping me, he was sodomizing me or making me suck him off? You want to hear about how it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, I would always have to put up with him sticking his dick in me whenever he felt like it? You want to hear about the time he made me strip naked in front of his friend and how he held me by the hair while he did me from behind and his friend stuck his dick in my mouth?

  “You want to hear about the other photos he took of me? You want to know how he threatened to kill Poppy if I didn’t do what he said? Or how he locked me in the house every day with no money, no phone, and no way out? You want to hear about how sometimes he liked to tie me up and—”

  “Stop!”

  “No, you wanted to hear about it, Cal, so here it is. All of the ugliness. He especially liked to force me facedown on the bed or the floor with my arm twisted behind my back—”

  “No more, Lucy.”

  “That’s why I don’t like anyone behind me, cuddling or otherwise. You’re just going to have to live with that and get over your hurt little feelings.” She flopped back over and sucked in a sharp-sounding breath.

  He lay there listening to her trying not to cry, his chest aching like he’d been punched in the solar plexus, feeling like the biggest ass in the world. He’d had no idea. No fucking idea at all about what she’d been through. He thought he knew, but his imaginings didn’t come close to her reality.

  He swiped at his eyes and climbed out of bed. What was he doing here, playing at being a husband to her? He knew nothing of her or how to help her. All the while he’d been thinking only of what he wanted, painting an image of them getting over Lucy’s past like it was some little bump in the road. She’d been brutalized and raped. He didn’t know anything about that, couldn’t even come close to imagining it. All of his money, his power, his success was nothing, meant nothing.

  He went down on his knees next to her. “I’m sorry.” His useless platitude boomeranged around her and came back at him, echoing hollowly in his head. He cleared his throat and tried again. “What can I do?”

  “Nothing. Go to bed.” Her words were flat and unforgiving.

  He laid his forehead on the edge of the bed. “Let me do something for you.”

  “There’s nothing to do. It’s already done.”

  He punched the mattr
ess. Useless. He was totally useless to her. There was no fixing this for her. All of the money in the world couldn’t take away everything she’d lived through.

  He found her hand and slipped it into his. “You’re safe here. You and Poppy will always be safe here. No matter what happens between us, you will always have a safe home. I promise you. You’ll never have to be afraid again.” He kissed the back of her hand and tucked it under her chin. “Good night.” He started from the room.

  Her hand snaked out and grabbed his leg. “Don’t leave me.”

  The last thing she needed was another man, especially one as worthless and idiotic as him. “Lucy…”

  “I’ve never told anyone any of that.”

  “Why did you tell me?”

  “Because you asked. No one ever asked, they just assumed. He looks so normal. No one would ever believe.”

  “I believe.”

  She moved over to make room for him next to her. “Don’t leave me.”

  How could he? How could he ever leave her alone and defenseless against that monster again? He got between the covers, careful not to touch her or move in any way that she might consider a threat. But then she did something so wholly unexpected it made his breath catch. She picked up his arm and put it around her, laying her head on his shoulder and snuggling up next to him. Why would she seek the touch and closeness of a man after what she’d experienced?

  “Now you’re going to treat me differently, aren’t you?” she asked.

  He shook his head, unable to get words past the clog in his throat.

  “Liar.”

  Lucy wished she’d never said anything about what Kevin had done to her. She’d told Cal the worst of what had happened to her physically, but there were no words for what it had done to her on the inside. The past few weeks with Cal were the most normal—or as close to what she remembered of normal—she’d felt in a long time.

  She disgusted him now. She knew it by the way he held himself away from her and how he wouldn’t look her in the eye. He’d never see her as the Lucy she’d been before. He’d never flirt with her or touch her without thinking about what she’d been through.

  “Kiss me,” she dared. It felt as though everything between them was riding on what he would do next.

  “Darlin’…”

  She leaned up and looked down at him in challenge. “Do it. Prove to me that you don’t see me differently now. An hour ago I wouldn’t have had to beg you. You would’ve had me flat on my back, pressing your erection against my leg and making me feel how much you want me.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “That’s the problem. You’re thinking. I don’t want thinking Cal. I want hornier-than-hell Cal. I want the Cal who pushed my skirt up and made me feel like a woman, not a victim.”

  Lucy slipped her hand in his shorts and stroked his flaccid penis.

  He grabbed her wrist. “Don’t.”

  “Cal, I want to.”

  “No.”

  She yanked her hand out of his pants, ashamed of her desperation and of what must think about her now. He didn’t even want her to touch him. Would he ever look at her the way he used to? Or would he always see what she’d been through?

  His gaze locked on to hers. “When I knocked on your door, I made a promise to you—no sex. Just sleep. I intend to keep that promise, Lucy, and not because of what you told me.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Believe this—I want you. Every minute of every day. What I don’t want is for you to ever feel as though you have to service me.”

  “That’s not what—”

  “No? When I walked in here, you were very clear about what you wanted and what you didn’t want. I’m pretty sure giving me a hand job wasn’t on your want list.” His tone softened as he stroked her cheek. “You want to know what I see when I look at you?”

  She nodded.

  “I see a strong, beautiful woman who went through hell and back. I see my wife and the mother of my child. I see a woman who has no idea how incredibly sexy she is. You have more power than you realize. He left you memories you don’t know what to do with, but he didn’t take anything from you. Not as far as I can see.”

  “You’re just saying that.”

  “No. I’m not. You might not believe me now, but someday you will.” He leaned in slowly and brushed a kiss across her lips. “I think it’s time we do that thing I promised and go to sleep. Poppy will be waking up in a few hours.”

  He held out his arms for her, and she snuggled into his side with her head on his chest.

  He turned out the light. “I love you.”

  She couldn’t move, afraid to break whatever spell Cal was under. Of all the things he’d ever said to her, what he’d just proclaimed had to be the most hopeful thing she’d ever heard. She felt the weight of his words like a blanket wrapping itself around her and working through the cracks in the walls she’d built just to survive another day. He loved her. He really, truly loved her.

  After a few moments his breathing evened out. He was asleep, so it was safe to say what she’d wanted to tell him for days.

  “I love you too, Cal Sellers,” she whispered.

  She could’ve sworn she felt him smile in the darkness.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Over the next week Cal came to her room each night, knocked on her door, and waited for her to open it and invite him in. Lucy had gotten used to sleeping in his arms. She’d taken him into her body just about every way, but somehow taking him into her bed felt more intimate than any of the sexual stuff they’d ever done. By the end of the week she was ready to once again renew their sexual relationship.

  So when he knocked on her door that night, she answered it completely naked. His mouth fell open, and he stared at her.

  “Are you going to come in or not?” she asked, trying hard not to feel insecure.

  Cal hadn’t seen her fully naked since she had Poppy. There were other changes to her body like the burn on her shoulder and the scar on her hip where she’d gotten cut when Kevin had pushed her down and she hit the corner of the glass coffee table, breaking it. If she’d answered the door to him fully dressed, she might have chickened out.

  He moved so fast into the room he created a breeze. She closed the door and leaned back against it, trying to strike a seductive pose, but she wasn’t all that sure she pulled it off. He was still staring at her as though he couldn’t stop. He liked what he saw. That revelation gave her courage she couldn’t have mustered on her own.

  “I was thinking,” she said, sauntering toward him, “that we’d try option number forty-seven.”

  He bobbed his head.

  “You don’t have any idea what option number forty-seven is, do you?”

  “No, but I like the way it starts out.”

  His words emboldened her further. “So I could tell you that it’s the one where you stand on your head—”

  “There’s an option where I stand on my head?” He shook his head. “Never mind. I don’t care.” He shucked his boxer shorts and stood before her, ready for any option. “Where do you want me?”

  “On the bed.”

  He backed up, never taking his eyes off her, until his calves hit the edge of the bed. He sat down. “Now what?”

  She walked toward him, adding a little extra bounce to her step that made her breasts jiggle. He seemed to like that. A lot.

  “Jesus, darlin’,” he breathed, his gaze focused on her chest.

  “Number forty-seven is the one where we can’t use our hands.”

  He looked up at her then. “No hands? At all? What if I want my hands here?” He put his palms up as if to cup her breasts. She felt it as though he’d actually touched her. “What if I want to slide my fingers here?” He turned one hand and made a forward motion with two fingers pretending to stroke into her with them. She clenched her thighs together, his phantom touch making her throb for the real thing.

  She put a knee on the mattress between his
legs and grabbed her breasts, presenting them to him. “Are you saying that you only want to use your hands on these? I’m disappointed in you, cowboy. I thought you were more creative than that.”

  He leaned forward, his gaze on hers, and licked one of her nipples, giving her an exquisite chill. “Oh, darlin’, if this is a challenge, I’m up for it.”

  “Mmm.” She raised her knee, stroking up then down the length of him, eliciting a groan from him. “I see how up you are.”

  “Shall we make a wager?”

  “On what?”

  “Who will use their hands first.”

  “What’s the wager?”

  He leaned in and licked a circle around her belly button. She was already wet and dying for his hands on her, and they hadn’t even kissed yet.

  “Winner gets to pick the next ten options,” he answered.

  “Five.”

  He glanced up at her and traced the under slope of her breast with his tongue. She sucked in a breath.

  “Not very confident, are you?” he asked.

  “No, I’m curious to find out which option you’ll choose first. I don’t want to wait ten nights to find out.”

  “Darlin’, I’d be glad to do all ten of your options tonight.”

  “Now who’s not very confident they’ll win?”

  “Even the loser wins in this bargain.”

  She bent down, forcing him to lie back, and placed her hands on the bed on either side of him. Brushing her nipples up the length of his body from groin to chest, she answered, “True. It’s a win/win wager.”

  “Jesus, darlin’. Do that again.”

  She obliged, pressing her breasts together and stroking his penis with them. He stacked his hands behind his head and watched her. On the third downward stroke she licked the head, swirling her tongue around it. He moaned and started to reach for her, but pulled the gesture before he touched her.

  “Come here, darlin’. I want to kiss you.”

  “Mmm, not yet.” She worked him some more until his hips lifted off the bed and he growled at her to stop. “What? Don’t you like what I’m doing?”