The Horrid Tragedy of the Counts Berok: A Comedy Fantasy

by Galen Wolf

  "Hello Alec Bjorn," said Budge. "Now I did a bit of joinering once over, and as it 'appens there's a job over at the Palace repairing the mess caused by the evil Count Berok. If you go down tonight you might get it. Then I was forgetting that deep arrow wound in your back, or should I say your 'ump?" said Budge, looking up for an instant from the unfinished plate of sludge.

  "Yes," said Zventibold, "that's a pity."

  "Ar Alec, you never did tell us what you was doin' in the river?" queried Budge.

  Zventibold laughed nervously. "Well you know how it goes. A rough night last night - few jars of grog and that. Few too many as it turned out. I fell in the river. It was just as well really as I had nowhere to sleep."

  "You're a very lucky man Alec. Not many fall into the Szerkia and live when they get out," said Budge. "And did you go out on the town by yourself?"

  "Well, I was with a few friends but they went to pieces before me."

  "Ar, and what about the arrow wound?"

  "Now, father - don't ask so many questions. Mr. Bjorn is still very weak."

  "Ar, 'e probably didn't notice the arrow anyway."

  Now Albert Budge was an exceptionally unlearned man; unlearned to an almost criminal degree in any other society. But there is a difference between a lack of intelligence and stupidity. Albert was not stupid. As he had been eating his tea, he had been aware of the eager, shy little glances that had passed between his only daughter and the hunch backed stranger. He did not want Melissa to go against George, heir to the Diamond Throne, and spoil his chances of a little comfort in his old age. If she should go off with this penniless youth instead of George, it would trouble him greatly. He was also beginning to suspect the identity of this mysterious hunched man with the aristo accent.

  After he finished his tea, Albert arose and decided to walk over to the nearest militia post, where Berok's description was pinned up. Although he was loath to leave Melissa alone in the house with the stranger for fear or some unforeseen and spontaneous rumpy-pumpy between them, he needed her to keep her eye on him when he was out in case he decided to hobble out and away. Before he left he went into the kitchen where Melissa sat with the stranger - this so called Alec Bjorn.

  "Well Alec," he said, "I'll just be goin' for a short walk, ar. But I'll be back soon. Then maybe if you're feeling better we can play a hand of gin rummy, eh?"

  Zventibold did not know what to say or do. He was torn. He was torn by grief at the loss of Turvius his father - torn with desperation that he was powerless to help William who was soon to be executed - a man who was his servant, and yes, even his friend. Albert Budge was waiting a reply. Zventibold gasped, "Can Melissa play?"

  Albert laughed at this and without a further word, he turned and went out.

  This left Zventibold and Melissa alone in the darkness of the room, and although they did nothing rude, it soon became apparent to both of them that they were in love.

  Albert Budge strolled along the grimy streets of Piraktesh. It was evening and so the demon sun had gone down in the west and a pleasant coolness was in the air. On the flat roofs of the mud-brick houses monkeys cavorted and shrieked and camels, chewing endlessly; watched him go past from their doorways. Albert was happy - he was so sure that Bjorn was Berok that he could almost hear the Jells jangling in the special carts he would have constructed for them.

  Soon he approached the militia post. It was situated on a busy crossroads. Albert knew many people who stood around dressed in the varicoloured Pirakteshi wrap around peasants cloak for the most part. He acknowledged them, "Ar Simon."

  "Ar Albert."

  "Ar Bobby"

  "Ar Albert"

  "Ar Gilgamesh"

  "Ar Albert," and so it went until Albert approached the door of the Militia post.

  "I understand that you're lookin' for a hunch backed aristocrat what fell in the Szerkia last night?"

  The guard wearing only a goatskin loincloth and an iron helmet, appeared from the militia box, "Ar that be true. You seen 'im?"

  "I can go one better than that boy - I got 'im."

  "Well lead me to 'im then."

  "It baint as simple as that. First I want them Jells."

  "You don't expect us to 'ave 'em 'ere do you?" The guard had come up against the rock firmness of Albert's meanness. "Till I gets 'em you don't get 'im."

  "Don't be foolish citizen you 'ave to 'and 'im over to us now." The guard stomped on the cobbles of the street, but Albert had already turned and was running away. When he was about a hundred yards distant he turned and shouted, "Be at the execution of 'is servant and you'll get 'im there - bring the Jells."

  The guard who was a craven coward decided not to press the matter further.

  When Albert arrived home he saw to his delight, that Zventibold was still there. "Ar kids, be you enjoyin' ?" His good humour overflowed into a merry chuckle.

  "Yes we are actually" said Zventibold

  "By the way Alec," said Albert. "Do you want to come to the hanging the night after tomorrow? It'll be 'igh jinks that will!" said Albert and then he turned and went into his room." I be goin' to bed now. I've got a lot to do tomorrow."

  Melissa and Zventibold sat looking deeply into each other's eyes for some three hours after that before Melissa went to her room and Zventibold retired to his wheel barrow.

  In the morning after breakfast on his way out to work Albert took Melissa to one side. "Listen," he said," Melissa darlin'. I'll tell you why later on but don't let him leave and don't let him out of your sight. I'll be back soon." With that and whistling an ancient Pirakteshi battle hymn he went out.

  The next day was much like that too until in the afternoon Zventibold found himself alone with Melissa again and staring into her deep blue eyes. "Melissa," he began, "I have something to confess to you."

  She looked at him, her large eyes dark with love. "What is it Alec?" she said.

  "Well that's part of it - my name isn't Alec, it's Zventibold; Zventibold Berok and I'm the one they are hunting Melissa my darling. I'm putting you all in danger by being here; you and your kind father. And Melissa I love you. I did not know love before I met you although I thought I'd been in love many times before."

  "Zventibold," she savoured the name, "I always knew you were not of common stock but beware my father, he is not as kind as you think and I fear that he plans to hand you over to the Autocrat's men tonight at the hanging. Please do not go but rather slip away with me in the darkness. We can go to some far land where no one would threaten us. We could live together in love; perhaps we could even have children."

  "Melissa, how my heart breaks to hear you say this. I would dearly love to do as you say, but my dear friend William, my childhood companion. is to be most foully murdered. I must save him, and then I must escape to recover my fortunes and then return to avenge my father's death. I dearly love you Melissa but this must be done."

  "Zventibold, despite what you say I still love you. Despite your terrible crimes and hideously deformed body, I will love you forever." She clasped his hand to her mouth and crystal tears ran down her cheek. They embraced and comforted each other but time was getting on and they heard the heavy tread of Albert Budge at the door.

  "Hist!" said Zventibold, "He returns."

  With that Albert Budge, Imperial Carpet Cleaner, and it may now be revealed part time toffee manufacturer, entered. Albert was exceedingly pleased not only had he received conformation of the identity of the mysterious Alec Bjorn but he had received a toffee monopoly for the execution that night.

  Still in high spirits Zventibold, Melissa and Albert Budge set off with three trays of toffee to the execution. They had finished their tea early and Albert had given a tray to Zventibold to sell at the execution. Albert Budge was an exceptionally ambitious and greedy man and he hoped that Zventibold would be able to sell a large number of toffees to the crowds before he had to hand him over to the authorities.

  Zventibold, for his part, had agreed to go ahead with the ventu
re as a means of getting closer to William. He had no definite plan how to rescue him yet but he was hoping something would turn up. They walked together through the early Pirakteshi evening. Great crowds were already gathering, making their way through the streets towards the place of execution in Axtos Square. They seemed in high spirits and they danced along; young boys and girls with ribbons in their hair. Old men and women hobbled joyously. It was to be such a gathering, already they had sold much toffee. They came into Axtos Square. In front of the heaving crowd the gallows stood ready for its next tenant. It was all done up in red and blue- the Beroks' family colours. It was supposed to be a joke.

  Albert Budge gasped with delight at the size of the crowd and immediately ran up to the nearest person, thrusting his tray before him like a hopeful child. This was his greatest mistake. Zventibold took the opportunity to lose himself in the seething ranks of humanity, and using the toffee as a shield worked his way to the front of the crowd. He stood there as William was led out onto the gallows. William seemed in good spirits although the red tracks of recent tears were visible on his liver spotted cheek. Zventibold used all his animal cunning and wrote a message on a piece of parchment that he found in the pocket of the man beside him. He inserted the message into a choice piece of toffee. He leaned over the front of the stage, as he did so a soldier threatened him with the heel of his spear. Zventibold implored the soldier to give the toffee to the condemned man. This the soldier, to his credit, did. William saw his master and he started but then he calmed down a little and gratefully accepted the proffered sweet meat.

  The crowd roared, angry at this interruption in their evening's fun. William bit into the toffee. It tasted good. He was pleased. Then he found the message. He nearly choked but his coughing and spluttering was soon stopped by a kick from the soldier's boot. Then the executioner, a fat brute of a man with a black hood, stepped onto the stage. The crowd's applause was deafening. William took the opportunity to read the message. It said, "Don't fret." Just at that moment Albert Budge saw Zventibold. Melissa was with him and so were fifty or so guardsmen. Budge pointed to Zventibold, "There he is!" he shouted. "That's Berok!" The crowd around Zventibold boiled.

  He thought, 'This is it' and with that his feet erupted into a 'jet-sole' spell which sent him soaring through the air towards William. The crowd screamed and fifty spears hurtled through the air at him. He grabbed a surprised William. William spat out the toffee. It landed on the executioner's head. As they banked over the crowd, Zventibold saw Melissa. He shouted "Wait for me," and thought he heard a shouted, "I will," but he could not be sure. Then they were rushing through the air toward the city wall. Then the unthinkable happened; the jet-sole began to splutter and within seconds failed completely

  "I only learned half of it," explained Zventibold.

  Then they tumbled out of the sky and fell hurtling downwards until their descent was broken by a slate roof.

  15. Helena Lends a Hand

  When Zventibold awoke he was horrified to feel William's hot damp breath against his cheek. He could not at first remember now he had come to be in the same bed as William. Luckily it was because he did not know. One of William's bony old arms was wrapped carelessly around him and the old man was mumbling some thing about vegetables in his sleep.

  Zventibold had not quite recovered from the shock of this discovery when a warm, familiar voice said, "You've been a very lucky little boy Zventi."

  Zventibold quickly looked up, surprise riddled his face. At first he did not recognise the voluptuous figure squeezed into the revealing leopard skin leotard and cowl of the Nuns of Hector. But then he did. "Mummy!" screamed Zventibold in delight, "I thought I'd had it. Oh, I'm so glad to see you!"

  "It's all very well to be glad to see me when your life is saved by the Nuns, but you never once came to see me in the time since your father died. All tied up with that revolting dwarf Turvius Sullius and the mindless hussy Mavis, but now they're both dead I'm glad to see you're having the benefit of William's company. I have taken a vow not to meddle in the affairs of the secular world, but since you are in such dire straits and you are my child I will overlook it."

  His mother was looking well; her face shone with good health. The food at the nunnery must be suiting her.

  "But mummy," said Zventibold, "How did William and I get here? The last thing I remember was falling through the sky; tumbling through eternity and nothingness."

  "Well Zventi, very luckily you and William landed on the roof of the nunnery pig farm. The pig farm is an old and dilapidated building and the roof collapsed under you and you fell into the trough of soft, warm swill. Alerted by the noise, the Sisters managed to rescue you before the pigs had properly started to eat you," Helena smiled warmly.

  "Properly started? How much did they eat and what bits?"

  "Don't you be worrying about that. You have many dangly bits you don't need. Anyway Zventi, keep a happy grin. As Hector says 'Safety is found by seekers for swine' She quoted from the Scriptures of Hector, a most frivolous and bald god.

  After doodling a monkey's ear on the bench upon which she sat, and sighing piously as she meditated she spoke again, "Zventibold, my son, you are in grave danger. Even now the soldiers of the Autocrat search from house to house. Some of the other nuns are very patriotic and would surely hand you over and I only managed to conceal your identity from them because you were so covered in swill. Even so many of the Sisters have voiced curiosity at the fall of two men, one with a hump, through the roof and into the nunnery swill bin. It is not some thing that happens every day. It will not be long before they put two and two together and guess your identity."

  "What is your counsel mother?" asked the querulous Zventibold.

  "To escape."

  "That I know mother, but how ?"

  Helena said "I have been thinking long on this and finally I have a plan."

  Zventibold looked happy. Then his mother began to tell him a little of the great god Hector.

  Hector himself was a jovial and bald god and was reputed, in his scriptures, to delight in the nubile forms of both the male and the female sex. Strangely the first followers of his orgiastic cult had been repentant lovers of leisure and passions of the flesh. Their fêtes and bazaars were the most popular and well attended of all the gods of Piraktesh. The retiring nuns had been dressed thus in revealing costumes to please the eyes of their god and also to renounce the pleasures of the flesh through being so familiar with them that they became boring.

  In legend, Hector was reputed to have a certain fondness for apes above all other animals and he was often depicted revelling in their company and jolly chatter. In one of the passages of scripture it is written 'And Hector came to a coconut grove to seek the company of his beloved and hairy companions. And verily he chose the ugliest and most unseemly amongst them to accompany him to the party of the gods that holy night.'

  When Helena finished telling them all this, she sat down, for in her rapture she had been pacing the room.

  "Yes mother, but what is your plan ?" said Zventibold

  "My plan is simple, - that I should lead a pilgrimage out of Piraktesh to the shrine of Hector and that you should come with me disguised as monkeys and thus elude the soldiers of the Autocrat once more."

  "But mother how will we become like monkeys? We are human and almost hairless."

  "We nuns have a potion that will give the feel and appearance of hair all over your bodies."

  Zventibold wondered what its usual use was and frowned deeply when he guessed.

  It was at this point that William, who had been awake long enough to hear the last few sentences, gibbered violently so as to rock the bed and attract both Helena's and Zventibold's attention.

  " Fwwaaaa!" he gibbered." Oh ar, no, I cannot do it mas'er and fair mis'ress. I 'ave a terrible loathin' of monkeys. Dirty flea ridden 'airies that they be. I did get bit on my foot by a monkey as a child and since then I can't abide them. Besides I be six foot tall an' the mas'e
r, beggin' 'is pardon, is a 'unchback."

  "Exactly William, this could work in your favour," answered Helena. "True you don't look much like monkeys now, but then you don't look much like humans either." Helena paused and in the hot dryness of the bedroom the pause became a silence highlighted by the buzz of a fly. The room was square, almost box-like. There was a bare wooden chair upon which sat Helena, deep in thought. There was a bed upon which lay William, his angular limbs splayed in a picture of repose. On the floor by the chamber pot sat the naked Zventibold, dark star birthmark pressed close to the dusty stone floor.

  Behind Helena was a window which looked over the private courtyard of the Nuns of Hector. There monkeys and nuns took exercise. The monkeys were gibbering wildly and hurling bananas of admonishment at other members of their ilk. The nuns, lithe and supple in their leotards stood in pairs, or alone. Then Helena clicked her fingers, calling to attention the wandering minds of William and Zventibold.

  "I know what we'll do. I'll ask Sister Ugena for dispensation to take some monkeys tomorrow. The sooner we set off the better. Once outside the city walls I know not what you intend, but you'll be free. That's what matters."

  Zventibold leapt to embrace his mother. He almost wept with joy. "Mumsy," he said. I never blamed you."

  "Hush child" she said softly, soothing his hunch, "that is past."