The Hard Way

by Katie Ashley

  “Geez, Josh, calm down!” Maddie cried, as she grabbed her purse.

  Her feet barely hit the pavement when Josh leapt out behind her. “Come on,” he urged, as he hurried around the side of the Jeep. I grabbed his hand before he started to cross the road.

  “Whoa, Little Man. You gotta hang tight and stick with us, okay?”

  He reluctantly nodded.

  It was a typical scorching Saturday, and I was already breaking into a sweat by the time we reached the ticket window. “Yeah, I’m Noah Sullivan—Joe Preston has some tickets waiting on me.”

  The lady gave me a quick once over and then her eyes widened. I guess she saw the resemblance. “Even though I can tell it’s you, I need to see your driver’s license for verification.”

  I dug out my wallet and showed her. “Here you go. Enjoy the game!” she exclaimed, as she slid the tickets out to me.

  I’ve gotta say the Sperm Donor really went out. He scored us tickets in the air conditioned box where the extreme VIPS usually sit. Not only did we have an excellent view of the field, someone even came by to take our drink or food orders. It was tight.

  We’d barely eased into our seats when Josh hopped up and pressed his nose against the glass pane. “Look there he is!” he cried.

  My dad was striding out of the dug-out towards the pitcher’s mound to warm-up. At the mere sight of him, my heart fluttered a little in my chest, and my stomach tightened into knots. Geez, if I was going to have this type of reaction to just seeing him, what was it going to be like when I met him? Would I puke or piss my pants?

  The minutes ticked by to game time. Finally, we rose for the National Anthem. The entire time I kept my gaze focused on my dad. I couldn’t help it. I scrutinized every motion he made—the way he brought his hand over his heart, the way his lip shuffled back in forth like he was impatient about something. I couldn’t help noticing that was one of the little quirks he had that I had inherited too. I guess I was searching his face for all the answers I desperately wanted to know about him—all the unanswered questions that had piled up over the years.

  It turned out to be an edge of your seat kinda game. Then in fifth inning, my dad gave up a home run. “Uh-oh,” Josh murmured, as the coach came out to the mound. “Think he’s done?” he asked me.

  “I don’t know. He might have a little left in him,” I replied.

  In the end, he did, and he managed to strike out the rest of the batters. The next inning the Padres caught up, and my dad’s sacrifice bunt helped them to take the lead. I don’t think I’d ever enjoyed a baseball game so much. The final score was Padres 5 and Braves 4. Josh danced around the box—which got us some strange looks from some of the Braves’ fans.

  When the game was over, an usher came up to us. “Mr. Preston asked me to bring you down for a tour of the field.”

  “Wow!” Josh exclaimed, as he shot out of his seat.

  Maddie grinned as we followed the usher out of the box. “Wait right here, please,” he instructed as we got down to the field.

  “Okay,” I replied.

  Maddie leaned over and whispered in my ear. “How are you holding up?”

  I jerked my gaze to meet hers. I didn’t know how she was always able to tell exactly how I was feeling. It was freaky, but it was also comforting. “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “Hang in there. It’s going to be fine, you’ll see,” she reassured me.

  We watched as some of the remaining players were being interviewed by news reporters, and a couple of players were giving autographs. Because of our VIP passes, they came over and talked with Josh and signed caps and posters.

  But my dad was nowhere to be seen. Then I turned around to see him striding towards us. It was one of those moments when your heart stops, and you have to struggle to breathe. I might’ve been almost eighteen years old, but there was a part of me that was still that seven-year-old kid inside, desperately wanting a father.

  Joe smiled and extended his hand. “Noah, it’s great to see you again.”

  When I shook his hand, I almost laughed when I found it as nervously clammy as mine was.

  He glanced over at Maddie and Josh. “And who are your friends?”

  “Oh yeah, this is Maddie Parker and her brother, Josh.” I ruffled Josh’s cap a bit. “I think he might be your biggest fan.”

  Josh stared open-mouthed at my dad like he was seeing a superhero or something. At my comment, he slowly bobbed his head in agreement.

  My dad laughed. “Well, you’re awfully small to be my biggest fan!”

  Normally Josh would have protested at being called small, but he was too stunned by “greatness” to argue. “I-It’s nice m-meetin’ you, Mr. Preston,” Josh stammered.

  “It’s nice meeting you as well.”

  Thrusting out the jersey that had come with the VIP package, Josh asked, “Can I have your autograph?”

  “Why, of course. Actually I think I can do much better than that. Why don’t you all join me for dinner tonight?”

  Josh seemed more surprised than I was. “Really?”

  “Of course.” He reached in his pocket and brought out his wallet. He thrust a fifty into Josh’s hands. “First, why don’t you and your sister go check out the souvenir tables? Maybe even get a milkshake. If they give you any trouble, tell them Joe sent you.”

  Josh beamed. “All right!” he cried.

  Maddie glanced up at me through her long dark lashes and then smiled knowingly. “We’ll see you later,” she said and then she hurried behind Josh who was already bounding away.

  My dad watched them go and then he turned back to me with a sly grin. Always the pimp and player, he mused, “She’s very beautiful.”

  “She’s just a friend,” I replied.

  He acknowledged my comment with a skeptical look before saying, “You know, this might sound a little strange, but she reminds me of your mother.”

  I’d thought the same thing myself, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to admit it. I didn’t like the sort of weirdo Oedipus thing it said about me that I was attracted to a girl who reminded me of my mom.

  “Maybe,” I said.

  He motioned for me to have a seat. We sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the crew clean and repair the field. Finally, he sighed. “Noah, I just want you to know that I’m really glad you got in touch with me.”

  I raised my eyebrows and fought the urge to spat, “Yeah right!” Instead, I managed a much more even tempered, “You are?”

  “Yes, I am. There’s been many times over the years I wanted to see you. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you, wondered how you were doing, and if you still hated me.”

  My heart did a funny constricting squeeze in my chest at his words. But before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Yeah, well, you coulda fooled me!” When Joe’s brows shot up in surprise, I said, “I’m sorry. That didn’t exactly come out right.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. “And I never hated you.”

  He looked at me in surprise. “You didn’t?”

  I shook my head. “No, not really. I was just pissed off at you.”

  “Because I didn’t stick around after you were born?”

  “Yeah, and some other stuff.” I stared at him a long minute. “Can I ask you some things?”

  “Sure.”

  I drew in a breath. “My mother…did you ever love her?”

  A sad expression came across his face. “You want the truth, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  Joe exhaled a ragged breath. “I wish I could say yes, but I didn’t.”

  Ouch, that comment made me feel like I’d taken a karate chop to the groin. “Why?” I croaked.

  “Because I was a twenty-one year old asshole who didn’t know what love was! Believe me, it’s taken me years to finally find it,” he replied. He shook his head. “Noah, I want you to know I admit I was a first rate jackass towards your mother. Since you’re older, I think you can understand a little bit where I was coming from-�
� At the death glare I shot him, he gave a weary smile. “Or maybe not.”

  “No, I think I get what you’re saying. It’s just simple biology, right? You were just a horny frat boy alone in the middle of nowhere with a beautiful, innocent girl, right? It must’ve been a hell of a conquest to be her first.”

  Joe’s expression darkened. “Your mother was never a conquest to me, Noah.”

  “Then what was she?”

  Turning away, he refused to meet my intense stare. “There’s no denying she was beautiful—she is still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with.”

  “Guess that’s saying a lot,” I growled.

  He held up his hand. “But it was more than that with Maggie. I knew she loved me—maybe even adored me. I’d seen it building for years—maybe from the first time I’d met her when she was just an awkward fourteen-year-old girl in braces. Then it was like she blossomed in front of me—”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s such a fucking cliché!”

  Joe didn’t flinch at my language or comment. He merely shrugged. “Well, it’s the truth, and you said you wanted the truth.” He eyed me before he continued. “During her senior year, things started to change between us. She grew bolder and even flirty—I think it even surprised her. And then that summer we were together every day. We’d go for long walks, swim in the lake, but mostly we talked. She was the only person who had ever really listened to me.” Joe stared down at his hands and cleared his throat. “And then it happened. I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen—”

  I interrupted him by snorting.

  He glanced at me. “I really didn’t, Noah. When I was young, I went out of my way to seduce girls. But it wasn’t that way with your mother. When I crossed that line, I threw everything away I had with your Uncle Mark and your grandparents.” A disgusted expression came over his face. “But I did it anyway. I was stupid and selfish, and in the end, I was a jerk who only thought with his dick.”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes. “How is she?” he tentatively asked.

  “She’s good. She’s getting married.”

  He smiled. “Yeah, I knew that.”

  “You did?”

  “I’ve had my spies.”

  Suddenly, anger boiled in my veins. “Why did you have to have someone check-up on us? Why couldn’t your sorry ass come and see for yourself? Better yet, why didn’t you come for me?”

  Holy Hell, I was fighting back the hot, angry tears that scorched against my eye-lids. Willing myself not to cry, I bit my lip until the metallic taste of blood rushed through my mouth. I’d be damned if I’d let my father see me cry like a pansy ass Mama’s Boy.

  “Noah, none of what I’m about to tell you is an excuse for my actions, but I want you to understand why I did what I did.” He shuddered. “I’ll admit that for many years, it didn’t bother me that I had no relationship with you. I was immature and immersed in my own good times. It wasn’t until my first daughter was born that I realized what I’d lost with you. By then, I figured it was too late. I imagined you would be so angry and bitter for what I’d done to your mother and to you that you wouldn’t want to see me—”

  “But I was just a kid. You could have forced me to see you, and I would have come around!” I protested.

  Joe shook his head wildly back and forth. “I would’ve never done that to you. You see, my parents divorced when I was five. Your grandfather was an alcoholic, sometimes abusive. I never wanted to go with him on his weekends. I’d cry and cling to my mother, but he’d unwrap me from her and force me into the car. Several times, she tried to stop him by locking me in the house, but he just ended up calling the police.” He sighed and stared down at his hands. “Those are memories that still haunt me, and I’ve spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to overcome them.”

  “Yeah, well I’m sorry you had a shitty childhood, but I’m not you!” I snapped.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Are you so sure?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Do you remember the last time I saw you?”

  “Yeah. You kept me for an entire weekend that you were playing in Atlanta.”

  “Yes, but do you remember what happened after that?”

  At the expression on his face, I realized he knew I remembered it all. I exhaled sharply. “Yeah, I do. But I was just a little boy. I could’ve changed my mind—I did change my mind.”

  “But what made you change your mind now?”

  I knew full well the reason for calling my dad was rifling through memorabilia and slurping on a milkshake.

  When I didn’t answer, Joe smiled. “It’s not just because of Josh that you called me, Noah.”

  “Really?”

  “I knew deep down there would be a time when you’d be curious, and you’d want to see me.” He smiled. “And thankfully my prayers got answered.”

  I widened my eyes. Jesus! Both literally and figuratively flashed in my mind. “You pray?”

  Joe laughed. “Is that so surprising?”

  “No offense, but hell yes it is. I mean, with the life you’ve led…” I snapped my mouth shut before I could say anything else hurtful.

  He arched his brows at me. “I pray precisely because of the life I’ve led. The 12 Step Program and AA, do those ring a bell?”

  “Oh shit, you are…I mean, you were an alcoholic?”

  “Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic.”

  “Wow.”

  “Does that change your view of me?” he asked.

  “No, I mean, I think it’s honorable you did something about it.”

  Joe smiled. “I’m glad to hear you say that. It means a lot.”

  Over his shoulder, I saw Maddie and Josh starting back across the field to us. I cleared my throat. “Look Joe, there’s another purpose to why I’m here today.”

  “Oh?”

  I nodded. “You see, Josh’s parents don’t make a whole lot of money, and the insurance isn’t covering all of his care. His parents are really in debt. I was wondering if you could—or if you might want to give them some money.”

  Joe stared at me in surprise. “Really?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  Then as if the day hadn’t been shocking enough, he suddenly lunged at me. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and rocked me back and forth. “Uh, Joe,” I said, my voice constricted from his bear hug. “Could you please knock it off with the hugs? I don’t think we’re quite to that level yet.”

  “Sorry,” he muttered before he jerked away. Tears shone in his eyes. “Noah, you don’t know how proud you’ve just made me.”

  “For hitting you up for money?” I questioned.

  He laughed. “No, not for hitting me up for money. Because of this,” he said, and pointed to my heart.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t suppose you do. See Noah, for so many years I was the guy everyone wanted me to be. The winner-take-all jock and the womanizer. But I grew tired of that. More importantly, I grew tired of being somebody I really wasn’t. I was ready for a change when I met my wife, Melissa. She showed me it was all right to be me.”

  A strange feeling crashed from my head to my toes like someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over my head. “So it’s kinda like ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’, right?”

  Joe gave me a confused look. “What?”

  “Like you were a product of what society wanted of you for a long time—even though it wasn’t who you really were deep down inside.” My heartbeat accelerated as I realized everything that Joe was saying was what Jake had been feeling.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty good way to sum it up.” He smiled at me. “I’m just so glad you’re your own person, Noah. I guess I have your mother to thank for that. Maggie was always her own person. She didn’t care what society expected her to be. She always lived by her conscience.”

  The extreme feelings zigzagging through my body were getting to me a little, so I replied.
“Uh, okay…Thanks man.”

  “No, thank you, Noah,” he replied. He stood up from his seat just as Maddie and Josh rejoined us. “So what do you say we go find some dinner?”

  I shrugged still dealing with my out-of-control emotions. “Okay then.”

  Joe offered to take us to Ray’s on the River, a pretty swanky place, but in the end, we decided on the Hard Rock Café—which was more for Josh than us. While Josh had Joe talking about baseball, Joe also peppered me for questions about my life. I told him about my music, about wanting to be an engineer, and some of the other parts of my life that he had missed. He gave me his rapt attention through it all and beamed with pride at a lot of my accomplishments.

  I had to say I was pretty sad to see the check come. All the awkwardness that I imagined seemed to melt away. It made me wonder what the hell all the conflict had been about to start with. But I knew it was more than that. This wasn’t a sitcom where everything was wrapped up in a neat, tidy package in a half an hour. It was going to take a lot more time to work through the issues of the last seventeen years. But deep down, I still wanted to try. In a weird way, I think Jake would have wanted me to try as well. His “new” side would have totally dug the acceptance and forgiveness between Joe and me. So for myself and for Jake, I thought I would see where it went.

  As we started to the car, Maddie and Josh walked ahead of us with Joe and me trailing behind. Breaking the silence, Joe said, “I hope we won’t go ten more years before we see each other again, Noah,”

  “No, I don’t want that,” I answered honestly.

  “I’d really like to keep getting to know you. Would you object to getting together when I’m in town?”

  Shrugging, I replied, “Sure why not.”

  “I could even fly you out to San Diego. I could show you the sights, introduce you to your step-mother and half-sisters.”

  Scuffing the pavement with my shoe, I finally bobbed my head. “I’d like that.”

  Joe smiled. “I’d glad to hear it.”

  After silently debating whether or not to ask him, I finally blurted, “Speaking of getting together. I’d really love for you to come to my graduation in a few weeks. I mean, if you can…”