by Katie Ashley
Mom raised her eyebrows. “Waiting for what? For Maddie to realize she liked you instead of Jake?”
I stared her before blinking a few times in disbelief. How in the hell could she see through me so well? “Maybe,” I muttered.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Mom said, “I’m guessing you’ve known the ring belonged to Maddie for a long time, but you didn’t want to tell her.”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“But why?”
“Cause I’m a selfish prick!” I exclaimed rising out of my chair.
Mom didn’t bother chastising my language. She knew I was too upset. “Honey, you have to tell her about Jake. But most of all, you have to tell her how you feel about her.”
I raised my eyebrows. “And just what am I supposed to say? ‘Oh by the way, Maddie, deep down, Jake was in love with you. How do I know? Oh, because he bought you a fat diamond engagement ring. But I guess it’s a good thing he’s dead because guess what? I’m in love with you’!”
Mom gave me an exasperated look. “No, I think you can do it better than that.”
I sunk back down in the chair. “I’ve never…felt this way about anybody like I do Maddie. I’m…afraid.”
“Of being shot down?”
“Of losing her,” I murmured.
Mom sat down beside me. Her eyes welled with tears. “Oh sweetie, I’ve always wanted you to be in love with someone. I was so afraid I’d caused you to be jaded and bitter towards love. I’m so happy you’ve found it. But more than anything in the world, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. Then I shook my head. “But you’re right. I have to tell Maddie the truth. It isn’t fair keeping all this from her. She deserves better than that.” I glanced back at the living room. “As soon as she wakes up, I’ll tell her.”
Mom smiled. “Good. You’ll feel better when you do.” We stood up to start inside, but Mom doubled over. “Ouch!”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah, your little sister gets temperamental this time of night. She must be hungry.”
I stared at her belly. “Want to feel her?” Mom questioned.
Not just no, but HELL NO! screeched in my mind, but I bit my tongue. “Um, uh…” I finally muttered.
Mom laughed. “Only if you want to, Noah. I’m not going to make you do it.”
I forced a smile to my lips as I prepared to conquer the unknown. “Sorry. It’s just kinda weird thinking about it, but yeah, why not. I’ll do it.”
She took my hand in hers and placed in on a particular spot. I felt a tiny bump, bump under the surface. I glanced up at Mom. “She’s pretty strong.”
“Yes, she is.”
“By those kicks, I guess she’s going to be the one to inherit the Sullivan sports gene that I obviously missed out on,” I mused.
“You didn’t miss out on the sports gene. You simply chose not to do it.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you remember playing T-Ball?”
“Yeah. I sucked.”
Mom shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You were one of the best players on the team.”
“I was?”
“Yes, you were.”
“Then why did I quit?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you were afraid of not measuring up to your father, or maybe you were afraid of hurting me. Who knows. Sometimes we just have two sides to us, Noah. One that we’re willing to let the world see, and then the other that we hide deep within ourselves.”
Mom’s words cut me to my soul. Maybe Jake and I weren’t so different. He had hid a side of himself from everyone—except for Maddie and Pastor Dan. So why would it be so crazy to think I’d done the same thing with the part of me that was like my dad?
Mom smiled. “As for your sister, she’s not hiding her ability to be an accomplished dancer—I’m getting a tap dancer vibe.”
“Maybe.”
“Do you know I can remember the first time I felt you kick?”
I raised my eyebrows. “You do?”
Mom nodded. “It was right after your father told me he didn’t love me, and he wasn’t going to marry me.”
“Seriously?”
“He’d strung me along for a few months after I told him I was pregnant. Then he finally leveled with me. I was crying so hard and all the sudden I felt you.” Tears welled in Mom’s eyes, and she smiled. “It was like you were telling me in your own little way that you’d always be here for me—no matter what happened.”
Wow, I was kinda overwhelmed. “Mom…”
She waved me away with her hand. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m on hormone overload right now.”
“Well, that’s true, but I wanted to say-” I drew in a deep breath. “I wanted to say thanks.”
Mom’s eyebrows furrowed together. “For what?”
“You know—for having me and for always loving me, no matter what.”
My declaration sent Mom’s hormones skyrocketing. She was laughing and crying at the same time as she pulled me into her arms. “How did I get such a wonderful son?”
I fought the urge to argue with her that deep down I was a real shit. A real screwed up mess and a half-assed version of a man. But I kept my mouth shut.
Mom patted my back. “All right, I think that’s enough on the shows of affection. We need to get to bed.”
After we walked back into the living room, Mom eyed Maddie’s damp cami and underwear. “Let me get something to put on her. She’d die of mortification to wake up in the morning half-naked.” She turned and headed down the hall to her bedroom.
I sat down on the couch next to Maddie, watching her sleep. Her hair was still wet from swimming. As I pushed a stray strand away from her face, my heart thudded in my chest.
Mom came back with a gown. She gave me a look. “Even though you’ve practically seen everything, you can have the decency to turn your back.”
“Well, I haven’t gotten to see everything,” I countered, shooting Mom a sly smile.
She rolled her eyes. “God, what a typical man thing to say.” She motioned to Maddie. “You can pull her up for me before you turn around.”
“If you insist,” I replied. I peeled back the blanket and gently grabbed Maddie’s shoulder’s pulling her forward. Once Mom held Maddie’s shoulders, I turned my head, so I wouldn’t get a glimpse at her bare breasts after Mom pulled off the cami. At the sound of the fabric smacking to the floor, I jumped. I waited until I knew Mom had pulled the pale blue gown over Maddie’s head. Once she was clothed, I eased Maddie back down on the couch and covered her up. She didn’t stir once.
Mom started for the stairs but then stopped. “Coming?”
I shook my head. “I want to stay downstairs with her in case she wakes up in a strange place and freaks out.”
She gave me a skeptical look, and I rolled my eyes. “Oh come on, Mom! Give me a little credit that I’m not going to molest a passed out girl!”
Mom nodded. “All right. Goodnight then. Come and get me if you need anything.”
“Okay.”
I sat listening to Maddie’s small snores for what felt like an eternity. Each time I would almost doze off, my mind would begin whirling again, and I would wake up. I’d probably been asleep maybe an hour when I snapped wide awake. There was something I needed to do, so I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
It was after four am when I pulled into Rolling Gardens. I’d never been to a cemetery at night before. I guess I had this freaky image of skeletons or zombies busting out of graves doing highly choreographed dance moves like in Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I was relieved when I found everything quiet as the dead, no pun intended. I grabbed my flashlight out of the dashboard and started the walk towards mausoleum.
Once I reached the bronze plaque baring Jake’s name, I cleared my throat. “Hey, man,” I said, my voice echoing a little off the marble walls. “Yeah, I realize you’re probably wondering what’s gotten my ass out at this time of nigh
t, least of all what I’m doing here in the cemetery talking to your ashes.”
Kicking at a blade of grass with my toe, I added, “I’m kinda wondering the same thing myself. But let me tell you something buddy, things have been pretty fucked up since you died. I mean, there’s all this drama shit going on. Yeah, I know—when is there not drama, but seriously, you left one more freakin’ mess when you blew out of here.” I glanced up at the bronze plaque as a chill went over me. I shuddered and shook my head. “Sorry dude about that last line.”
I sat down on the bench bearing his name. “Listen, man, I just wanna say I’m sorry about the whole Presley thing. I would’ve never made out with her and almost gotten off had I known she was…pregnant.” Another shudder ricocheted through my body. “And what’s up with that? You found out that weekend, and you couldn’t even call me and tell me what was going on? That was some epic news man—shit that your best friend deserved to know! Best friends are supposed to talk to each other—tell each other about things. Not leave freakin’ cryptic text messages and shit!”
With my blood pumping, I hopped off the bench. “And there’s one more thing, and that’s Maddie!” I cried, my voice rising a little. “I mean, what the hell was that all about? You loved her, you dickhead, didn’t you?”
I threw my hands up in exasperation. “And you thought you couldn’t tell me? I was your best friend, you douchebag! I had a right to know who you were in love with—not get some bullshit answer like, ‘I’ll tell you when I tell her’. I had a right to know you had some semblance of a heart. But what do you do? You hide her away like you were ashamed of her or something. What a dumbass!” The ache in my chest tightened, and I rubbed the place over my heart, trying to get rid of it.
I stepped forward. “Maddie is—amazing. She’s beautiful and sweet and kind and way too good for you! If you loved her, how could you not tell her every single day? Seriously dude, she deserved better!”
I started to stalk away, but then I stopped. I turned back as tears welled in my eyes. “Hey man, I gotta be honest. I deserved better, too.” Wiping my eyes, I added, “All those years through all your bullshit, I was by your side. Even though most of the time you treated me like crap, I was still there. When your dad was an ass, when you needed homework help, or a DD, I WAS THERE! But what about you, huh? Living some double life, going on mission trips, and volunteering and then lying about the whole damn thing! What the hell? Yeah, you were really acting like a Christian, man! WWJD, right? Well, I guarantee you Jesus wouldn’t be panty chasing and getting drunk every other night!”
I dried my eyes. “Yeah, I know what you’d say right now. What about me, huh? Yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t actually been playing fair. I’ve scammed on your girl, right? Well, it’s over. I’m telling her the truth about the ring just as soon as she wakes up. And if she wants you, I’ll walk away, man. You can have her in life and in death. But I am going to tell her how I feel. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from your death, it’s to be honest with the people you love.”
Turning on my heels, I headed down the hill to my Jeep. When I got there, I stood with my hand hovering over the door handle. I mean, what the hell was I doing here? What had possessed me to come out to the cemetery in the middle of the night to yell at Jake? Did I think he was going to talk back? I thought by confronting him in some way, I’d feel better. But I didn’t.
I shook my head and climbed inside the Jeep. Making a right out of the cemetery, I started the drive over to Jake’s house. It was almost five when I pulled into the driveway, but I didn’t care. I marched right up the steps and rang the doorbell.
The Asshole answered the door in his robe. He raised his eyebrows. “Good morning, Noah. Nice to see you up so early on a Saturday morning,” he muttered, sarcastically.
“Yeah, I know it’s early, but I need the ring.”
“Why?”
“Because I know who it belongs to.”
His expression softened. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
He held open the door for me, and I stepped inside the foyer.
Mrs. Nelson appeared on the landing of the stairs. “Martin, who was it at the door?”
“It’s Noah, Ev,” he replied.
She hurried down the stairs. “Is something wrong, Noah?”
“No, Mrs. Nelson. I’m sorry to wake you guys up so early, but I came by for the ring.”
“So you know who it belongs to?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Who is it?” the Asshole pressed.
I drew in a breath. I realized once I spoke the name, I couldn’t deny it or take it back. “It’s Maddie Parker,” I finally replied.
The Asshole literally gasped. “Pastor Dan’s daughter? The one who was tutoring Jake?”
“Yes.”
“That’s unbelievable.”
With a shrug, I replied, “That’s what I thought, but the more I’ve been with her, the more I see what he saw in her. The fact that he hid her away kinda goes along with the song lyrics too.”
Mrs. Nelson didn’t say anything. She appeared deep in thought. Finally, she glanced up at me. “Thank you so much, Noah. I know this wasn’t an easy undertaking.”
I wheezed out a frustrated breath. “No, it wasn’t. In fact it was pure hell.”
She gave a bark of a laugh before motioning me with her hand. “Come on up, and I’ll get it for you.”
I followed her up the stairs and then turned down the familiar hallway to Jake’s room. It was just the way it had been the last time I’d been in there. When she saw the look on my face, Mrs. Nelson smiled. “Martin wants me to pack up everything, but I just can’t. Not now.”
I merely nodded. She opened Jake’s top dresser drawer and took out the ring box. She handed it to me along with the song lyrics. It weighed much heavier in my palm than it should have.
“There’s something else I want you to take, Noah,” she said. She went over to Jake’s closet and took out a bag. “This is what he had with him at his grandparents when he was killed.” She dug among some possessions until she pulled out an ordinary notebook and handed it to me. “I think you’ll find some of the reading interesting.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “I will?”
She nodded. “Jake was always a complicated little boy. A lot more than Jonathan or Jason. I shouldn’t be surprised that his teenage life was complicated too.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was trying to tell me something, but I was too physically tired and emotionally spent to understand. I merely bobbed my head and started toward the door.
“Noah?” she called.
I whirled around. “Yes, Mrs. Nelson?”
She stared down at her hands. “Tell Presley we’d very much like to see her, and we certainly want to be a part of our grandchild’s life.”
The wind left my body, and I collapsed back against the door frame. “Excuse me?”
Mrs. Nelson jerked her head up to give me a genuine smile. “You know what I’m talking about.”
The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, and I just wanted to be out of there. “Okay, I will,” I replied. Then I bolted from the room. I sprinted down the stairs, not even calling a goodbye to the Asshole who was standing in the foyer.
I don’t think I took a breath until I was safely inside my Jeep. Instead of heading home, I drove down to the cul-de-sac below Jake’s house. I grabbed the notebook and flipped it open. The first couple of pages were notes and homework from school. Some of it was in Jake’s handwriting and others were in Maddie’s. I was half-way through the notebook and wondering why the hell Mrs. Nelson wanted me to have it when I came across the note.
Dear Maddie,
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter. I’m surprised myself that this dumb jock is actually putting thoughts down on paper. But you shouldn’t be surprised though. It’s your influence, I know.
I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve screwed up. I know
you hate that word—but trust me, it’s the only one that can fully describe what a mess I’ve made of my life. The bad thing is what I’ve done affects us. I got some news today that pretty much floored me. I’m going to be a father, Maddie. Presley is pregnant, and it’s mine. I know that for sure.
I don’t know if you know how much I love you, Maddie. You probably don’t since I’ve been such an asshole and kept it all inside. I’ve always hoped that deep down you knew—that you felt it when we were together. If you didn’t, I’m so sorry. I can blame anything and everything, but in the end, it’s all my fault. I should have told you. I wish I would have said all the things that were inside me. I wish I’d made you mine, but I didn’t. And I’m still being a coward because instead of doing it to your face, I’m giving you a letter instead.
I can never thank you enough for what you’ve meant in my life. You didn’t make me a better person. Instead, you dragged the real me out—even if it was only for short periods of time. I wish I had your courage, Maddie. Don’t ever let people make you doubt yourself, and don’t ever forget what an awesome girl you are.
I don’t want you to ever think any of this was your fault. To question if we had allowed ourselves to go to the next level, would this have happened? Don’t ever do that, Maddie. I love you too much for you to blame yourself for my stupid and irresponsible actions. I also loved you too much to take the gift that wasn’t mine to take. The truth is you’re too good for me, and you deserve someone better—someone like my buddy, Noah, who would worship you each and every day you were together—”
I stopped reading and gasped. My breathing came in erratic pants. Tears burned and blurred my vision, and it was several long minutes before I could start reading again.
I know this sounds like good-bye, and it is in a way. I know you’ll never have me after this—after I’ve cheated on you in the way I have. Yeah, we weren’t an official couple, but I should have told you months ago that I had feelings for you. But it’s okay; I understand. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing. I’m going to support Presley, and I’m going to be a father to our child.
No matter what happens, I’ll always love you—you’ll always be on my mind.
