by Katie Ashley
Love Jake
I must’ve stared at the letter for twenty minutes after I read it. I read it and reread it—trying desperately to let each and every word sink in. I couldn’t believe he’d mentioned me—that he’d suggested I’d be somebody who would love Maddie. How in the world could he have known that?
Most of all, he was stepping aside. For the first time in his life, Jake was really being a man. He was taking responsibility for his actions. More than that, he was actually making sacrifices for somebody—two people in fact. “Dammit!” I cried, banging my fist against the steering wheel. It wasn’t right he was gone. Just when he had gotten his shit together, he’d been taken away, and it wasn’t fucking fair. There was a baby who would never know his or her father, and Presley would have to truly be a single mother.
It hit me like a train charging through my chest that Mrs. Nelson had known. She’d read the notebook, and she’d known. More than that, she hadn’t told the Asshole. I started to wonder why in the hell she hadn’t told me. Then I imagined she felt there was some purpose in this quest—something more for me to discover than just her. It was then I realized how wise Mrs. Nelson had been. I’d discovered so much about Jake, but I’d discovered a lot more about myself. And she’d wanted that for me. Just as Jake was an adopted member of my family, I was of hers—well, to everyone but the Asshole.
As the first streaks of amber and orange made their way across the morning sky, I knew I needed to head home. I was exhausted—mentally and physically. The house was still and quiet when I walked through the door. Maddie was still sleeping.
I eased down in the floor beside her. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I give her the ring and leave things the way they were? Should I give her the ring and the letter and tell her how much I loved her? Dammit, why was my life so complicated!
My head started to dip as I nodded off. At the sound of a soft moan, my eyes snapped open to see Maddie waking up. Her eyelids fluttered as her head slowly moved from side to side. When she opened her eyes, she frantically scanned the room.
“It’s okay. You’re at my house,” I whispered.
At the sound of my voice, she bolted up on the couch—causing the blanket to fall away. The perv in me couldn’t help but noticing how sexy she looked with her hair all wild and the way the satiny, spaghetti straps of the gown hung loose on her shoulders. Then I remembered it was my mother’s gown. Damn, a psychiatrist would have a field day with me.
“Noah, what am I doing here?”
“You got drunk at the party, and you passed out. I knew I couldn’t take you home, so I brought you here.”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I-I got d-drunk?” she stammered.
“Yes, you did.”
“Oh no,” she moaned, her face flushing.
“It’s okay, Maddie. It happens sometimes.”
“Not to me it doesn’t!”
“Well, it did last night.”
Raking her hand through her unkempt hair, Maddie moaned, “But your mom—she must think I’m terrible!”
“Actually, she was more pissed at me.”
She stared down at her hands. That was when she noticed the gown, and she gasped. “M-My clothes?”
I sighed. “The truth?”
“Yes!” she screeched.
“You took them off at the party.”
Mortification filled her face as Maddie covered her mouth with her hand. “I did?”
“Everybody went swimming in Blaine’s pond. When we got here, my mom put the gown on you.”
Maddie nodded. She absentmindedly traced the outline of the design on the blanket. “Um, did I…did we…?”
I held my hands up defensively. “No, of course not.”
Surprise flashed in her eyes. “We didn’t?”
My lips formed a crooked grin. “I’d like to think if you’d been with me, you’d remember it,” I teased.
“Noah,” Maddie pleaded.
I knew I didn’t have to tell her anything about what went on the night before because she would never remember any of it, but I’d been lying to her for so long that I wanted to level with her. “We kissed.”
“Oh we did?”
“Yes,” I answered dutifully. “In case you’re wondering, it was pretty amazing.”
“It was?” Maddie questioned in a whisper.
“Yeah.”
She stared up into my eyes and then smiled slightly. “I wish I could remember.”
I returned her smile. “I wish you could. Maybe we’ll give it another try.”
Her face flushed again, but she did nod her head. “Did anything else happen?”
Oh fuck. She would have to ask that. Playing with a thread on my shirt, I finally replied, “A little.” When her eyebrows shot up, I quickly replied, “Just a little second base action.” I decided to pace myself and not totally freak her out by admitting I’d gotten to third.
“Did I enjoy it too?”
I snapped my gaze to hers. “I think you did,” I murmured.
“Good.”
We sat staring at each other for a moment before I cleared my throat. “Maddie, I really need to talk to you about something. But first, why don’t you get a shower, and I’ll fix us some breakfast?”
“Okay.”
I took her upstairs. I quickly detoured past my bathroom—afraid for her to see what a slob I was—and got her set up in the guest bathroom. “I’ll leave your clothes outside the door for you.”
“Thanks, Noah.”
When I heard the water turn on, I went back downstairs and out to the Jeep. I quickly fluffed her wrinkled clothes in the dryer along with her underwear, which I tried not to ogle for too long, and then I took them back upstairs.
I met Mom in the hallway. “Morning, honey.”
“Morning.”
“I’ll go start on breakfast, okay?”
I nodded and followed her back downstairs. Mom whipped up a quick batch of bacon, eggs, and toast. She had just finished when Maddie walked shyly into the kitchen. “Good morning, Maddie,” Mom said.
Maddie smiled weakly. “Good morning, Mrs. Anderson.” Toying with the hem on her shirt, she stared down at the kitchen floor. “I want to apologize for my behavior last night,” she began.
Mom shook her head. “No need to apologize. We all have our moments. It doesn’t change who we really are.”
Maddie jerked her head up in surprise at Mom’s answer. A pleased expression formed on her face as she eased into a seat at the kitchen table. Mom made small talk with us through breakfast, but I could tell both Maddie and I were anxious to be alone. As soon as she put her napkin on her plate, I stood up. “Wanna go for a walk before I take you home?”
Maddie nodded. “Thank you for the delicious breakfast and letting me stay last night,” she said politely.
Mom smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I led Maddie outside through the glass door. We walked out in the backyard, and I steered her over to the swing. It was shady there under a canopy of trees.
“So what is it you want to talk to me about?”
I stared into her eyes. “I’ve not been honest with you.”
“About what?”
“Jake.”
Maddie’s brows rose in surprise. “What do you mean?”
I sighed. “Remember that night you and I took Jake’s things down to the funeral home?”
She nodded.
“Well, earlier that night, Mr. Nelson and I found something in Jake’s room. Something he was meaning to give to the girl he truly loved.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring box. I leaned over and gently put it in her hands. “It was wrapped in the lyrics to You Were Always on My Mind.”
Maddie gasped as she cracked open the box and stared down at the diamond. “I don’t believe it.”
“You should because it was meant for you.” My heart constricted in my chest as I added, “And you were meant for him.” Maddie snapped her gaze from the ring to me, and
I nodded. “He loved you, Maddie.”
“How can you be sure?”
I slowly took the rolled up notebook out of my back pocket. I flipped it to his letter and handed it to her. Without another word, I got up off the swing. Leaning back against a tree trunk, I watched her devour the words on the page. Tears welled in her eyes. When she finished, she gazed up at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Nodding, she wiped her eyes. “It’s just hard to believe, that’s all. I mean, he hinted at things along the way, but there was nothing definite. But now, actually reading his words—actually knowing but not being able to do anything about it…”
She started sobbing. I eased back on the swing and took her into my arms. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but frankly, it was a real bitch. Her tears wet through my shirt, and as I held her, my mind was clear. There were no impure thoughts that would send me into overdrive. All I cared about was comforting her.
After a while, she pulled away from me. “Presley’s really pregnant?”
“Yes, she is.”
Maddie moaned. “I loved him and he loved me, but she’s having his baby. How much more screwed up could this get!”
“So you really loved him, huh?” I asked.
She stared at me in surprise. “I cared for him very much, and I loved him as a friend. But yes, I think I did love him. Why?”
I shook my head. “Never mind,” I mumbled as I got up from the swing.
“Noah, wait!” she cried, grabbing me by the sleeve. “What did you mean when you said you hadn’t been honest with me?”
Shit. I was hoping she’d be so overwhelmed with grief she’d forgotten I mentioned that. I ran my hand through my hair. “Mrs. Nelson asked me to find the girl for Jake. For a long time, I thought it was you—then after that night in the coffeehouse, I knew it was you. But I—I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want you to belong to him!”
“You didn’t?”
The blood boiled in my veins as I thought of losing her, and it turned over to white hot anger. “No, I didn’t. He was a jerk, Maddie. Can’t you see that? Hiding you away, dating other girls, screwing other girls. You deserved better!”
“He might have been a jerk sometimes, but he was trying to change. And at the end, he’d stopped partying and sleeping around,” she protested.
“Oh big deal!”
“For him it was a big deal. And just because he couldn’t tell me how he felt, doesn’t make his feelings any different.”
“How can you say that? If it had been me, I would have told you every day how much I loved you. There wouldn’t have been a day that passed by without me admitting how many times I thought about you, missed you, or wanted to feel you in my arms!”
Maddie stared at me in shock.
“Love isn’t just about words in freakin’ song lyrics. It’s about actions, too.”
“You aren’t any different!” she cried, before turning on her heels and starting to stalk away.
I stared at her retreating form for a minute. “Excuse me?” I called.
She whirled around and shook her head at me. “You say if it was you that you would have told me all those things, but you wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because you haven’t!”
My heart jolted in my chest.
Maddie stepped toe to toe with me. She jerked her chin up. “So tell me. Stand before me right now and tell me all those things you would if I was yours.”
Suddenly, I felt like an old black and white movie I’d seen. This dude morphed into a totally different person. When I spoke the next time, it was like a stranger was speaking. It weirded me out. “Why? So you can go back to your memories of Jake? So you can accept me because I’m alive when all along you’ll wish I was him!”
“No, I would never do that,” Maddie protested.
“Don’t be so sure.”
Maddie thrust the notebook at me. “So are you calling Jake a liar? It’s all right here. He said you were the one for me—the one who would adore me.”
I stared at the notebook, refusing to answer.
“Yeah, maybe Jake was a jerk for treating me the way he did, but at least he realized what he’d done wrong and was trying to make it right. And in case you missed it, this was good-bye. If Jake had lived, there would have been never been an us—no matter how he truly felt about me.”
Maddie’s expression softened as she touched my arm. “Just admit to me that you’ve changed—for the better. I mean since we’ve been friends, look at all you’ve done. You’ve connected with your father, you’ve accepted your mom’s remarriage and a baby on the way, and Josh—” her voice broke. “You were able to connect with him on a level that surprises me.”
My emotions were churning. I knew what I wanted to do, but something inside wouldn’t let me. Some part of myself that I’d overcome was slowly weaning its way back. Suddenly, I understood Jake completely. I understood how he couldn’t truly be himself. There was always that asshole part that played out. I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to shut down and turn on her.
“What is this shit, huh? What is this desire of yours to “fix” everyone?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come off it, Maddie. It’s a plain as day. What is your prerequisite for a guy? Does he have to be some screwed up, emotional jackass before you’ll give him the time of day?”
“No! That’s not true!” she argued.
“It looks that way to me. You found Jake and fixed him up. Seems like you’ve fixed me too. But I’ll tell you something, Maddie. I don’t like being your project!”
“Stop it, Noah. Don’t do this.”
“Do what? Tell the truth? That’s what it looks like to me. You seem to have a funny way of falling for fixer-uppers. But what happens when I’m completely whole? Would you walk away?”
“I’d never leave you.”
“And what about you, huh? Who’s gonna save you from yourself?”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Please.”
I shook my head. “Oh, I see. You don’t play fair. You can dish it, but you don’t want to take it. You’re the good little girl who tries to save everybody—Jake, me, your brother, your parents. But what about you?”
“I thought this was about us,” Maddie whimpered.
“It’s never been about us, don’t you see that? It’s always been about Jake, my dad, Josh and Will, and all the rest of the shitty baggage between us. It’s never about the players, remember? It’s about the damn game that makes us act and react the way we do!”
“Please don’t do this, Noah,” she whispered.
“Do what? Be honest? I’m just trying to do what you’ve taught me, Maddie. To be the person you want me to be!”
Maddie shook her head. “But can’t you see?” she cried. “I love you! I love you more than I ever imagined I could love a guy. And it scares me, okay? It scares the hell out of me!”
I stared at her in disbelief. She really loved me. God, I’d wanted to hear her say that for so long, but it had the opposite effect I thought it would. It stunned me where I was speechless. I wanted to cry out how much I loved her to, but it was like something was binding me, and I couldn’t speak.
When I didn’t respond, she shook her head. Then she glanced down at the ring in her hand. “Give this to Presley.”
“What?”
“She needs it more than I do.”
“But Jake meant for you to have it,” I protested.
“It doesn’t matter. She and her baby will need it.”
“What, to keep the Jake myth alive and kicking?” I asked.
“No, to validate the truth. The truth that’s in this notebook. Jake was going to stand by Presley, and he was going to be a father to his child. This way, it’ll give all the gossips the hard evidence they need to believe the unfathomable—that Jake Nelson wasn’t a selfis
h jerk, and he was a man of his word.”
Maddie took my hand and placed the box into in. She closed my fingers around it. “Two good-byes in one day. And I owe money to the cuss can,” she mused.
I didn’t know what else to say. I felt jumbled—bound and gagged by my own foolish pride and stupidity. After everything that had happened and everything I had felt was I honestly going to stand here and let her walk away? I was screaming on the inside, but nothing would come out.
“Good-bye, Noah,” Maddie said, softly. Then she turned and walked out of the back yard. I didn’t know how she was going to get home, but clearly, she didn’t need or want me to take her.
I must’ve stood frozen in the middle of the yard for at least an hour. How in the hell had I gotten here? I’d gone from being desperate to keep her to driving her away. I’d let her stand in front of me and tell me she loved me, and I didn’t say a damn word.
I was a total fucked-up mess.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I stayed in my room most of the day. Mom wasn’t on call, so she checked on me throughout the afternoon. Each time she cracked my door, she found me sprawled across the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She never pressed me to open up or questioned me about what was wrong—I guess she just wanted to make sure I hadn’t slit my writs with my razor or something emo like that. I don’t know how she knew what had happened with Maddie—I guess it was just the Sixth Sense she seemed to have whenever I was upset. Probably the fact that Maddie stormed away earlier also helped her reach her conclusion.
Closed off in my bedroom, I didn’t watch TV or listen to music or even text anyone. All I did was think. I thought about Jake until my chest constricted so hard I thought I would suffocate. I thought about Maddie until my already weak heart felt like it would explode in agony. And finally, I thought about what an incredible idiot I was.
There were a million things I should’ve been doing. After all, I was leaving in the morning for Brazil. I assumed a couple of streets over, Maddie was packing for her Costa Rican mission trip. God, it was so typical—me living for the sin city of South America, and Maddie off to do the Lord’s work.
Of course, with both of us leaving the country, it also meant there’d be no way to make things right between us. I would be gone for two weeks, and she was going to be gone for a month. After that, who knew what would happen. Then when the end of August rolled around, we’d be going to separate colleges, and our ties would be completely severed.
