Very Merry Wingmen Holiday Collection

by Prescott, Daisy

An expensive one.

  “Are you all done scanning the products for your wish list?” The sales lady smiles at us and I see dollar signs flashing behind her thick eyelashes. Someone probably works on commission. “Or can I show you some more things? Do you have a crib selected yet? Bassinet? Binkies? Bouncing chair? Boppy? Bottle warmer? Breast pump?”

  She’s only listing products starting with B and has mentioned six things. I’m not sure what four of them are. I can figure out the breast pump. I saw them on the shelf and they remind me of a penis pump. Not that I’ve ever used one, or needed one, but the suction idea seems the same.

  Something’s wrong with me if I’m sitting here surrounded by pastels, baby ducks, and lambs galore and my mind has gone to erectile enhancement devices.

  I need to stop her before she can rattle off more stuff we don’t need and I lose my verbal filter all together.

  “No.” My voice is more stern than intended as I sit up straight. “We’re all set.”

  Hailey sighs. “I think we have everything.”

  “I’ll enter your scanner and give you the registry link to share. Now all you need to do is rest and wait for the presents to start rolling in.” Saleslady smiles at Hailey and then gives me a wary, or maybe weary, look. “I’m sure you’re anxious to get home for the Seahawks game.”

  My jaw’s still hanging open as she walks to the registers at the front of the store. “Wait, did she just caveman me? Like I’m more concerned about the football game than the comfort of my wife and unborn child?”

  Hailey adjusts in her chair while avoiding my eyes. “She’s being considerate.”

  I lower my brow and frown. “You know your happiness means more to me than anything, right? If you want the chair, we’ll get one. Hell, we’ll get two. One for each of us. Or one for upstairs and one for down. But if we buy the chair, I want the giant grizzly bear in the corner.”

  Following to where I’m pointing at an oversized stuffed animal, Hailey laughs, then appears on the verge of tears as her eyes water.

  This is a new emotion for her. Lately, she’s a combo meal of reactions. Happy, sad. Angry, laughing. Hungry and … everything.

  “What are we going to do with a giant bear?” She wipes her eyes.

  I lift my foot and place it on the same ottoman as hers. Tapping her shoe with my boot, I smile. “Oh, it’s not for us. Alene will love it.”

  “Meaning you’ll buy it to annoy your best friend?” She grins.

  “It’s a thoughtful gesture. We can bring it to their baby shower.”

  “Diane’s not having one for the second baby.” Hailey yawns.

  “Why do they get to avoid the circus?” Well, that’s not fair. I’m going to need to ask John how he gets out of stuff. I need him to Mr. Miyagi me on all the first-time dad tricks. He can be my personal Coach Taylor. Or Yoda. And I’ll be the better looking and more charming protégé. The Good to his Ugly. I could go on, but Hailey interrupts me.

  “Because they have most of this stuff already. The whole point of a shower is to set up a nursery.” Yawning again, she rubs her belly.

  “They don’t have the bear.” I stand and lean down to give Hailey a soft kiss. Her lips are still salty from the popcorn she ate earlier. “I’ll be right back.”

  At the register, I smile at the saleslady, being my usual friendly and charming self. “Excuse me.”

  She blinks up at me and smiles. “Yes?”

  I ignore the slight purr to her voice. Shopping for baby stuff with my wife is about as taken as a man can get. “I want to buy the plaid chair and a footstool.”

  “Want me to add it to the registry?” Dollar signs and a bigger commission dance in her eyes.

  “No, we’ll take it home today.”

  “I’ll have to confirm with our warehouse. I’m not sure if we have one in stock.” She types away on her keyboard.

  I peer through the store to where Hailey naps in the big chair.

  “Looks like we do have one in black and white buffalo check. Or red and black.” Looking at me, she waits for me to choose one.

  “Not the blue plaid?” I hesitate to go off the plan.

  “No.” Waiting, her fingers hover over the keys.

  I have no idea what buffalo check is, but I don’t want to have to come back here. “Black and white.”

  She nods and keeps typing.

  “And I need the giant bear. We’ll take that today, too.” I pull out my wallet to pay. Cringing at the total, I sign away my name and kiss my new fishing rod good-bye.

  Damn bear is expensive, but so worth it.

  “Can you keep an eye on my wife while I load up the chair?” I tuck the receipt in my wallet before shoving it into my back pocket. “She’s napping.”

  “Absolutely.” She gives me a funny look before telling me how to collect the chair around back.

  “Thanks.” I salute her with two fingers. No idea why, but it feels right in the moment.

  Once I have the chair strapped down and the plastic secured for the ride back to the island, I park near the entrance to get Hailey.

  Curled up like a fat cat in the chair, she’s softly snoring. I’m married to a sloth. I swear she sleeps more these days than she’s awake.

  I pick up the stuffed bear, which is almost as tall as I am, and march him toward her. Using the paw, I pet Hailey’s head. Softly, I tell her, “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.”

  Because I’m adorable, I expect my sweet, beautiful wife to wake up and smile, maybe even laugh at my charming antics.

  Joke’s on me when she opens her eyes, screams, and kicks the bear in the groin. Which is right over my own family jewels.

  Thankfully, the stuffing provides enough padding I only grunt from the dulled impact. Until I lose my balance and fall on my ass, smothered by the bear landing on top of me.

  Given my love of chainsaws and welding, I never thought I’d die by teddy bear. It’s almost funny. My obituary will be hysterical. I can practically hear Pops laughing down at me from heaven.

  Unfortunately, a woman screaming in a baby emporium draws the attention of every other customer in the store. The clatter of heels and lady sneakers running echoes like a herd of Shetland ponies racing toward us.

  “Are you okay?” a female voice screeches from nearby.

  Footsteps stop all around me. Instinct or self-preservation tells me to remain on the floor. I know Hailey’s fine, but I’m certain this gaggle of ladies won’t get my humor.

  “I’m fine.” Hailey’s breathless. “I think I fell asleep and didn’t know where I was when I woke up.”

  “Someone get her some water,” an authoritative voice commands. I’m guessing she’s a teacher or a judge. A single pair of feet scampers away from the group.

  “Tom, quit hiding underneath the stuffed animal. You’re like the witch crushed under the house. We can see your legs and shoes.” A foot nudges my boot.

  “I’m good right here.” My voice is muffled, but I’m not giving up the safety of my bear cave.

  Bright light from the fluorescents on the ceiling blind me as someone rolls the grizzly off of me. Blinking, I try to adjust to the burst of light, so I can make out Hailey standing over me. From this angle, I mostly see her big belly underneath her sweater.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” I say softly. “Am I forgiven?”

  “You’re forgiven.” She leans forward so I can see her face. Her lips twitch as she tries to keep her face serious.

  “You can’t go around scaring pregnant women, young man. Unless you’re trying to induce early labor. Or make your wife pee herself. This must be your first baby,” a woman scoffs at me from somewhere near my head.

  I sneak a peek in her direction and am greeted with something I can never unsee.

  Upside down camel toe in a pair of rainbow cat leggings.

  To avoid a second gander, I execute a sideways crab-walk while getting on my feet. Yeah, I’m basically breakdancing in a baby store.

  Hailey’s bi
ting the side of her thumb to keep her laughter contained. For her benefit, I do a pop and lock before I grab the bear and tuck him under my arm. “Breathe one word of this to anyone we know and I won’t help you put on your shoes.”

  Her gasp is exaggerated and it sounds like she chokes on her laughter. “You’re a heartless man, Tom Donnely.”

  “I have a reputation to protect.” I sling my free arm over her shoulder and steer her toward the entrance. “If you swear your silence, I’ll buy you an ice cream at Ivar’s before we get on the ferry.”

  “And a clam chowder.” Sliding her hand to my lower back, she slips a finger through one of the belt loops of my jeans. “No, cancel the chowder. Fried clams. So I can dip them in the ice cream.”

  I don’t bother hiding my shudder or the loud gagging sound. “I might have to go up on deck while you defile two perfectly good foods that should never be joined in unholy matrimony.”

  “Totally fine with me. More deliciousness all to myself.” She grins at me.

  When we pull into the ferry waiting lot, I run through the parked cars to place her order. Even though it’s misting with a cold wind blowing off of the water, I order a swirl cone for myself. Because I deserve a reward for shopping.

  Returning to the truck, the bear crammed into the back of the king cab makes me grin.

  Makes the whole debacle worth it.

  CHAPTER TWO

  “You’re not leaving that thing here.” John jabs the grizzly in the belly. As soon as he answered the door, his mouth turned down into a frown. Now he’s blocking me from entering his house. Not very hospitable at all.

  From the other side of the doorway, I pop my head over the bear’s shoulder. “Not sounding very grateful about our baby gift.”

  “We don’t need a gift. You can come in, but the stuffed animal stays in the truck. Alene has enough toys.” He’s extra cranky sounding today. With his arms crossed and his feet spread, he fills the entire door, leaving me no room to shove the bear past him.

  “Sounds like someone needs a hug.” I outstretch the bear’s arms and try to engulf John’s torso. I manage to get one arm around him before he wiggles free. At least I’ve made it through the door. Baby steps.

  “I’m serious.” His voice lowers. “Alene sees this and you’re in big trouble.”

  The happy chirps of his toddler daughter ring out above us, followed by the sound of little feet running down the hall. Diane’s footsteps chase Alene’s before a loud rattling of the baby gate draws our attention to the stairs.

  John shoves the bear at me and snarls, “Get out.”

  “Who’s here?” Diane’s voice carries downstairs.

  “No one.” John glares at me.

  “Then why are you yelling?” There’s an ominous click of metal on metal before Diane continues, “Hold Mommy’s hand and the railing.”

  “Now.” John shoves the bear.

  “I can’t. Screen’s locked.” I give him a shit-eating grin and bat my pretty blue eyes at him in innocence.

  Instead of forcing me out, John’s created a bear sandwich as he presses us both against the frame.

  “Dadda, Dadda, Dadda,” Alene repeats as she stomps down each step.

  Resigned, John gives up. “Revenge will be mine.”

  I chuckle. “You’d make an excellent villain. The dark beard and sinister expression. I almost believe you’re mad at me.”

  “What’s that?” Diane asks from the base of the stairs.

  “A bad idea,” John mumbles.

  “Hi.” I lower my voice into a bear sounding growl. “I’m your new best friend.”

  The most ear-piercing scream I’ve ever heard echoes throughout the house. Miles away, I’m sure dogs begin howling at the high-pitched sound. Babe, the Days’ yellow lab, rushes past me, somehow opens the door with his nose, and darts to freedom.

  “Should I go wrangle Babe?” Already backing away, I jerk my thumb over my shoulder, nearly dropping the giant stuffed animal. I bobble the bear for a minute, causing it to lurch forward through the doorway again.

  More screaming ensues.

  “Right. I’ll go get the dog.” Feeling like a complete asshole for scaring a toddler, I readjust my hold on the bear and shove it in front of me. There’s always Donnely family Christmas. I can gift the giant to one of the nephews. Pissing off my sisters is a holiday tradition.

  “Tom,” Diane calls out from behind me, “wait.”

  My steps pause on the path, and she catches up.

  “Wow, it’s even bigger up close.” She touches the bear’s fur.

  I bite my tongue because even I’m over the “that’s what she said” response.

  “Walked into that one, didn’t I?” She laughs and I release the hold on my own amusement. “It’s really sweet you bought Alene a bear.”

  “Went over well.” Mentally, I’m kicking myself while I shift the bear and try to tuck it under one arm. After struggling to get a grip on the middle, I sigh and set it on the ground, resigned. “I’m sorry if I traumatized her. It’s over the top, and honestly, I got it because it reminded me of John.”

  Diane steps closer and studies the bear. “If it had a beard, I could totally see the resemblance. Maybe seeing the two of them side by side blew her seventeen-month-old mind. She’s been having some major stranger danger lately.”

  “Better keep her away from the furry conventions,” I say as a joke.

  Diane lifts her dark eyebrow at me. Her coloring is similar to Hailey’s but she’s more petite and curvy where Hailey is tall and all legs. Legs and a giant belly.

  “Not that I’d know when or where those take place, but come on, you know Seattle probably has one.” What am I talking about? My mouth is speaking, but my brain is somewhere else.

  Screaming Alene has turned me into a rambling teenage boy. My whole life I’ve never been awkward around women. Growing up with three sisters means girls were never mysteries to me. I knew too much too young.

  So I assumed tiny size girls like Alene would be easy.

  Yeah, the ass in that sentence is me.

  “Okay then,” Diane drawls out the words. “You want to try again?”

  I’m totally confused. “Which part?”

  “Giving Alene the bear.”

  “You don’t want me to make it disappear?”

  “He’s cute.” She picks up a big paw and waves it at me.

  “John doesn’t want it.” The fun of annoying him has faded. Now I’m more than a little afraid of his revenge.

  “He’s being grumpy. Maybe focusing on hating the bear will distract him from worrying over me.” Her hand rests on the lowest swell of her pregnant belly.

  Now I’m worried, too. My focus stays on her hand when I ask, “Is something wrong?”

  “My doctor’s worried about my blood pressure. I feel fine, but once John heard I’m at the high range of normal, he’s been fretting like a penguin sitting on a nest.”

  The image of John as a giant bird causes me to snort. “Maybe I should’ve bought a stuffed chicken.”

  “Don’t poke him. He’s not sleeping well. Neither of us are. Alene’s the only one sleeping through the night. I swear, I get up to pee and he’s up, making sure I’m fine.” She rolls her eyes, exasperated.

  I’ve seen the same expression on Hailey’s face a lot recently.

  “Are you two out here plotting something?” John’s deep voice from the doorway makes me jump, like I’m guilty.

  “Yes, your Christmas present,” Diane replies with a straight face.

  He grumbles about not needing anything. “Why are you standing out front with the bear?”

  “I’m convincing Tom we want to keep it.” Grinning, she waves the paw again.

  “Why?” His voice says he thinks this is a terrible idea. Worst idea ever.

  “Because he’s adorable.” Diane pets his arm with the paw.

  “The bear or the man?” John eyes me with an arched eyebrow.

  I jerk my chin back.
“Both, of course.”

  “Alene’s terrified of it,” he grumbles.

  “I think we can win her over,” Diane says, voice full of confidence.

  “How?” He crosses his arms.

  “Dadda!” Alene shouts from inside.

  “Where is she?” Diane asks. “She better not be in the dog crate again.”

  “That only happened a few times.” John uncrosses his arms and rubs his beard. “She’s in her high chair, eating some sort of puffed cereal.”

  I know of more than a few times when Alene could barely crawl she ended up in Babe’s crate or curled up on his dog bed. Dog should be sainted. If that’s possible.

  “I say we bring it inside, set it on the floor, and let her explore at her own pace.”

  “And if she has nightmares or ends up with a fear of bears, Tom’s responsible, right?”

  “I’ll start a therapy fund.” I smirk at him.

  Resigned, he sighs. “Okay, the thing can come inside, but if she starts screaming again, it’s gone.”

  “You sound like Olaf,” I say, poking the virtual bear while picking up the stuffed one.

  “Put it on the floor by the couch.” Diane ignores John’s scowl as she leads the way back inside the house.

  “Look, Alene, Tom’s brought you a present.”

  Alene holds a fistful of pale orange puffs in her hand, and from the bulge in her cheeks, she’s been practicing her squirrel impersonation.

  “Fom,” she mumbles with her mouth full.

  “Hi, beautiful.” I wave as I march the bear past her and into the living room.

  After setting it down on the floor, I glance over at Alene. Wide-eyed, she absently chews on her mouthful of cereal.

  I can’t tell if she’s enthralled or terrified, but she’s not screaming or crying.

  “I’m calling it a win,” I declare.

  “Hold off on that. Sometimes it takes her a while to warm up the engines again,” John explains.

  Still clenching her fistful of puffs, she warily eyes the newest arrival into her kingdom. Her forehead scrunches and her fist waves in the air as if she’s silently commanding the bear to leave.

  The three adults stand quietly in the living room, watching Alene like a group of explosive experts studying a bomb.