by Kelly, Marie
There were many times when I would try to sleep at night, and my mind would tell me that it was all a bad dream until I remembered I was living my worst nightmare. It’s funny how I didn’t think about the consequences or what would happen after it was all said and done.
I snorted at my thoughts and shook my head at myself. I really believed shit was going to be good after? I honestly didn’t know how I managed to convince myself that it was all going to end the way I wanted it to. Not even knowing that Faye was playing me hurt me as much as I had hurt my brother.
It was like I couldn’t see how much they really did love me until it was too late. God had tried to show me too many times, and I didn’t see it. Now it was too late.
When I said that my brothers weren’t fucking with me, it was no joke. They had all blocked my number, and I hadn’t seen them since the night at the warehouse—the night it all went down.
Not even my pops was answering my calls, nor had he been at the house the few times I turned up there. If I’m honest, I was too scared to turn up at my brothers’ cribs because I knew they would beat my ass. Not that I didn’t deserve it.
Sighing, I took another long pull of my blunt and slowly blew it out.
The sound of my front door opening and closing made me jump up to my feet. My heart started to race out of my chest as I stood there with wide eyes waiting to see who was in my apartment.
When my dad’s body appeared in the doorway, I just stood there frozen, staring at him while he looked back at me. Pain, anger, confusion, and sadness flashed across his face until he sighed and walked into the room.
No words were spoken, and I couldn’t do anything but watch my dad as he picked up one of my pre-rolled blunts, a bottle of Hennessy, and sat on the couch.
He lit the blunt, took a long pull, and slowly blew it out. He then opened the Henny and took a mouthful before hissing from the burn and then looking up at me.
“Let’s talk,” he ordered, and I nodded, taking a seat beside him.
“How did it start?”
My heart started to race again because I didn’t want to sit there and explain how it came to me fucking his wife, but I knew that it was the only way to make things right. I looked over at my dad, and I could see in his eyes that he didn’t want to know, but he did at the same time. My chest started to tighten because I was about to hurt my father even deeper than I already had with the words that were going to come out of my mouth.
Sighing, I dropped my head and opened my mouth.
“When I was fifteen, I was in my room talking to Dagger and telling him that when I turned sixteen, I was going to join y’all in the empire, just like my brothers. After he left, Faye walked in and said she heard me and that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but you told her I wasn’t going to join y’all,” I said. “She said you told her that I wasn’t cut out for it—that I wasn’t like my brothers, and all I was going to do was fuck shit up. She said she told you that you couldn’t do that, but you didn’t care.”
My eyes landed on the carpet, and I stared as my memory recalled the past.
“I laughed at her.” I chuckled and shook my head. “I told her no way! My pops wouldn’t do that. He let Alvaro and Jashawn join at sixteen, as well as Pharaoh, so he’s going to let me too. She said, ‘oh well, I tried to warn you,’ and walked away. I didn’t think anything of it, and then a few months later, I turned sixteen.”
I moved my eyes from the carpet and looked at my dad again, who was staring at me.
“I waited for you to tell me I was joining, just like you did with my brothers, but you didn’t. And then I asked you, and you told me it wasn’t for me.” My eyes watered, and I blinked my tears away. “I was devastated, and then she came to me one night you were out of town with my brothers. She said that she tried to warn me. I asked her why you were shutting me out, and she told me it was because y’all blamed me for my mother’s death. She said my birth drove her to drugs and her death, and you blamed me.”
My dad’s eyes closed, and he dropped his head.
“That night, she kissed me, and it led to other things. I thought that she was the only one who loved me, Dad. She kept telling me things that y’all were saying about me, and I believed it. And then last year she told me that I should be the one in charge and that I should show y’all that I’m not a fuck up. She told me that she loved me, and if I was king, we could be together.”
Hearing my dad sniveling caused me to stop talking and look over at him. His wet eyes met mine, and he broke down crying.
“Did y’all blame me for Mom’s death?” I asked with my own tears.
Since that night, it had killed my soul to know my family blamed me for my mother’s death. To know that I was a mistake—a child who wasn’t wanted—a child who ended up pushing my mother to drugs and her death.
My dad and I sat there crying for a few seconds in silence until he cleared his throat and looked at me.
“Meshach, you are my son, and I love you—I have always loved you.”
“So, why did y’all shut me out?” I asked, and he sighed.
“That wasn’t my intention, and I’m sorry it felt like I was doing that. I didn’t blame you for your mother’s drug use or supposed death—I blamed myself.”
I frowned at his words, and he looked away, staring into space.
“When I met your mother, she was young and in school. She wanted to be a teacher. All of that changed when I got her pregnant with Alvaro. I promised I would help her with him so that she could go back to school, but then a few years later, she was pregnant with Jashawn. After that, she said that she didn’t want any more kids, but I did.”
He then looked over at me.
“I threw away her birth control and purposely got her pregnant with you. She told me that she was barely coping with the two we had, but I was stubborn as fuck back then and did what I wanted. I thought it was okay—we were in love. Even though I was still out there in the streets running around, I knew it was your momma that I loved and wanted to marry.”
I sat there silently and listened to what he had to say because this would be the first time that we spoke like this. Other than the usual hey, bye, and how was your day, I never spoke to my father—not like we were doing now.
“After she had you, I continued to run the streets and ignored her pleas for help with y’all. You were a newborn, and the other two were bad as fuck!” He lightly chuckled, and so did I.
“It wasn’t until I took some time off from the streets to come home that I realized how bad things were, but it was too late by then. She was hooked on drugs—used them to cope while I wasn’t around much. I tried to help her, but she was too far gone, and then one day she just disappeared. I looked for her until I was told she had died.”
More tears poured from his eyes, and then he looked at me.
“I never blamed you because you were innocent, Guns. I blamed myself. She told me two kids were enough and that I was never around to help her, and I should have listened instead of doing what I wanted to do.”
“If you didn’t blame me, why didn’t you want me around?”
My dad reached over and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Son, I did! It was my guilt that didn’t want you involved. I couldn’t handle knowing that your mother died from an overdose that I pushed her to. You look so much like her, Guns—you look like Alvaro, but I see a lot of her in you, a lot of her ways. Every time I looked at you, I saw her face, and I knew I couldn’t bring you into this world too. You were the innocent piece of her that I had left, and I didn’t want to destroy you too.
“Faye told me that I couldn’t involve you in the empire because it would have been a disrespect to Amanda, and I believed that too. I only had you train with Legion because I could see that you were hurt by not getting a position in the empire.”
“I thought you didn’t love me! Why didn’t you just tell me?” I cried out, and he hugged me.
“My guilt wouldn’t allow m
e to, and I’m sorry I pushed you away, but I have always loved you, son, and I still do. I should have talked to you and protected you from Faye. You were only a child, but she knew what she was doing.”
I dropped my head into my dad’s lap as he hugged around my shoulders, and we cried together.
My dad’s confession did nothing but make me feel worse. To know that it was his love that was keeping me away from the streets and not his hate had me angry at myself for falling for the lies. It had me angry that I didn’t have the courage to just ask him instead of listening to someone else. But at sixteen years old, all boys that age want is to know they make their fathers proud and that they love them. So, hearing from someone that I wasn’t loved or wanted and seeing it fucked me up inside, and I shut down.
“I’m sorry for what I did, Dad. I didn’t want my brothers hurt, I promise I didn’t. I love them! I just wanted y’all to see me, to accept me, and I thought that was the way,” I explained as he held me.
“We are gonna work through this together as a family, Meshach,” my dad said, and as those words left his mouth, I heard footsteps coming toward us.
I used the back of my hand to wipe my tears away and looked up to see Wrath standing there staring down at me.
Alvaro ‘Wrath’ Ramsey
Hearing all that was said between my dad and Guns had me in my feelings. I didn’t know how to digest what I had heard or how to even begin to mend what was broken with my little brother. But my pops was right—we had to do it together.
Kanada squeezed my hand, and I looked down at her.
“Go to them, and I’m right here,” she said, smiling up at me, and I sighed.
She really was my rock, my rib, and my strength. I didn’t realize how much I needed her until I found that I didn’t have the strength to deal with all that was going on around me.
I was lashing out and shutting down because I needed her beside me, and since she forgave me, I started to feel like I could finally breathe—which is why I was there.
My dad had called me days ago asking me to come with him to Guns’ house, but I just couldn’t do it, but now with Kanada by my side, here I was.
Brittany was right when she said I needed to do what was best for KeKe because what was best for my daughter was the same for me—and that was Kanada. We needed her like we needed air to breathe, and as I looked down at her face that gave me the strength that I knew I didn’t have on my own, I knew that I was right.
“I’m right here,” she said again.
After nodding, I gave her a kiss on the lips before walking into the room.
My dad stood to his feet first and embraced me. When we pulled apart, I looked down at Guns, who was still sitting on the sofa looking up at me with red, watery eyes.
I wanted to be mad at him, but at the same time, I loved my brother more than I loved myself. When my mother left, I made a decision to look after Guns, to love on him harder than anything, and I did. So, it hurt me to my core to know he had a hand in the things that were happening around us.
As I stood there looking at him, I couldn’t fight the tears flowing down my face. They say that men don’t cry, but that’s bullshit! Real motherfuckers cried when the pain hit them until they could do nothing else but cry.
“I’m sorry, Alvaro. I’m so sorry, bro, I made a huge mistake.” Guns whimpered.
My mind told me to cuss his ass out and beat his ass again, but my heart wouldn’t allow me to do that. Instead, I reached down and pulled him up to his feet before wrapping my arms around him.
He dropped his head and cried into my chest.
“We are good, Guns. We good, baby brother,” I told him as I patted his head.
We stayed hugged up for a few minutes until we broke apart. The front door opened and closed, and a few seconds later, Surge and Legion appeared in the doorway with Dior and A’Moya.
Surge and Guns stood staring at each other.
I was hurt after finding out Guns had a hand in the shit with Bully, but not as hurt as Surge because he almost lost his life behind it—twice. So, the shit impacted him more. I could understand that because how do you overcome knowing motherfuckers almost killed you twice from some shit your own fucking brother was doing?
Surge slowly walked into the room with his eyes fixed on Guns. He walked right up on him, and all our mouths dropped when he punched Guns right in the mouth.
“Jashawn!” my pops yelled when Surge grabbed Guns by his collar.
“Little nigga, next time, use your fucking words! I know I taught yo ass how to talk. You have a problem, or a motherfucker tells you any bullshit, come to us, motherfucker! We are your family, so you trust us! I don’t give a fuck if you found me eating your last fucking meal, you better ask me why before you listen to the next nigga. Do you understand me?” Surge snarled in Guns’ face.
“Yeah, bro. I hear you!”
I stood there wondering what Surge was going to do next, but bro surprised me when he pulled Guns into his arms and held him.
“I love your confused, pussy whipped ass,” Surge said and then looked at pops. “My bad.”
My pops shook his head.
I smiled seeing my brothers hug.
Legion walked over and embraced Guns too once Surge let him go.
“We are family, and family sticks together,” Legion told him, and Guns nodded.
“But I want to ask you something, Guns. You ain’t tried shit with my sister, have you?” Legion asked, making all our mouths drop.
“What? Nigga, hell no! That’s my fucking cousin, man, and she’s only seventeen!” Guns rebutted, and Legion stared at him for a few seconds before nodding.
“Alright, just needed to check.”
I wasn’t sure what that shit was about, but I let it go since it seemed that they figured it out.
I looked back at Kanada, and she blew me a kiss, making me smile. God knows that it took a lot of words from her to get me to come today. The old Alvaro wanted to shut down or use my fists, but she was slowly teaching me that there were other ways to deal with shit—like talking.
After giving her a wink, I turned to look at my brothers and Pops.
“Now that is sorted out, we still have one more to deal with,” my pops said, and I sighed, knowing he was talking about my mother—who I still hadn’t gone to see.
“I guess since we’re all together, we might as well do it now,” I offered, and we all looked at each other.
“I agree,” my pops said.
“I will leave you guys to it. I got somewhere to be,” Legion spoke out as he dapped us.
We all kissed and hugged A’Moya before they walked out of the house.
“Let’s go,” Pops said, and I nodded.
I grabbed Kanada’s hand on the way out of the house.
I hope I’m ready for this shit!
For the last ten minutes, we all had been sitting in silence just staring at my mom. On the ride over, I had so much to say and ask, but as I sat there looking at her, it was like my mind went blank, and my mouth went on mute.
All I kept thinking was that I knew this woman—or I thought I did—and it was fucking with me to know that I was looking into the face of my mother after all this time.
As we all sat there, it was like for the first time I could see that Guns looked a little like her too. For years everyone said how he looked like me—and he did—so that was all I ever saw, but seeing them in the same room, at the same time, I could see that he had her eyes, nose, and lips. Which then had me wondering if I looked a little like her too.
Because Guns was the hitta in the family, he was never really around the traps and shit where I would see my mom, so the resemblance between them was never noticeable until now. Out of the three of us, I had the most interaction with Cookie, and that made it hurt that much more.
“That day I first saw you, did you know who I was?” I finally asked the one question I had been dying to ask since the night I found out who she really was.
; I met Cookie by chance one day when I was at the trap. I never usually went to the traps—I had my lieutenants for that. In fact, I never got my hands dirty like that. Niggas saw me if there was a meeting or a fucking problem. My lieutenants ran the traps and reported back to me, and that’s how I had it set up from the time I took over from my pops. So, the day I met Cookie, I wasn’t even supposed to be at the trap house, but I stopped there to catch up with my boys.
She popped up to buy some product right as I was about to leave. She was a little short on cash, and I remembered my boy yelling at her, which made me walk over to them. I looked in her eyes and saw that she was holding on to some pain, and for some strange reason, that shit tugged at my heartstrings. Instead of turning her away like I would have done if it was anybody else, I gave her what she wanted without taking her money.
After that, I found myself popping up at that trap to see if she was around, and whenever I saw her, I would give her what she wanted and money on top of it so that she could take care of herself. We spoke a few times when I did see her, and that’s when she told me about her family being gone—which only drew me to her more—but I had no idea that we were the family she was talking about.
Cookie looked over at me with tears in her eyes. “I knew who you were the second I laid eyes on you because you looked like Jackson. Around the time I left, I went to another state so that Jackson couldn’t find me. Years later, my sister died, so I came back to bury her. I was going to leave again, but I heard that Jackson had retired, moved away from the city, and someone called Wrath had taken over. I had no idea it was you until that day,” she said with tears falling. When you didn’t recognize me, I knew that was my chance to be close to you all without you knowing who I was. With Jackson retired, I thought that I would never see him again.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Don’t you think I had the right to know my mother was actually alive after all this time?” I angrily questioned.
