Johnny and The USed Wonz

by DaNeo Duran

  Looking at Christine he said, ‘I’m not delighted about the way he chases Linda either but, firstly, any of us could meet someone we’d want more than a night with at any gig. We’ll have to cross that bridge when it happens. Secondly, just because he seems keen on Linda doesn’t mean he likes her more than us. He loves this band and the touring. Why else would he risk the next album’s advance? Thirdly, it’s just as well he’s so close to Linda otherwise we’d have no hope of a second album irrespective of royalty cheques and T-shirt sales and fourthly, it’s Linda just isn’t into Johnny. Even if we get back to LA and he pours a bottle of white down her neck, which isn’t his style, she either still wouldn’t go with him or even if she did she wouldn’t want a relationship with him.’

  Christine linked his arm as they headed to the shower block and remembered Linda categorically stating she didn’t fancy Johnny. She also remembered saying the same thing herself. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe one night with her would be enough for him.’

  ‘Jump her, then dump her?’

  ‘Something like that,’ she said but doubted it’d go down like that.

  ‘Would probably be ideal if it did.’

  They both knew romantic relationships could last no longer than a few hours and though most people wouldn’t choose that, the band had adapted well. Every time Stu met a nice girl he yearned to see her again until the next night when he’d meet another one.

  But Howie their previous tour manager, of course hadn’t been so adaptive and it’d cost him his job.

  * * *

  Soon, dewy with fresh sweat, Christine thanked God for the bus’s air conditioning. Jack pulled the bus out the campsite. Though nobody needed to ask Dane where they’d be heading that morning he stood beside the driver and announced they’d be leaving Utah and heading into Nevada and onto Las Vegas. They’d be there for two nights. The first they’d be far from the razzmatazz headlining their own show. The following night they’d support Van Halen not far from the Hilton where Elvis had played so many shows leading up to his death; in the centre of the razzmatazz.

  Before Vegas they’d call into Mesquite, a town inside the Nevada border, and pick up another batch of T-shirts. From there they’d head to west Vegas and KOMP, the city’s most notable AOR radio station.

  * * *

  Just two hours later the band sat answering typical questions from Lance, KOMP’s DJ. Relaxed everyone laughed at the jokes that kept cropping up in radio interviews.

  Even when Lance invited his listeners to telephone in, the bandmates handled the usual predictable, what’s your favourite colour? type questions good humouredly until the DJ said, ‘We’ve just got time for one more. Who’s on line three?’

  ‘Hi Lance,’ a voice said in everyone’s headphones, ‘I’m Perry.’

  ‘Great, Perry what’s your question for The USed Wonz?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s for all the band. I hear you talk about a second album but I heard you lost the entire next album’s advance in a poker game.’

  As Christine’s blood chilled, Stu’s boiled as must have Johnny’s who barked, ‘What the—’

  Mazz jumped out her seat and held her hands up silencing him.

  ‘Perry,’ she said facing the mic, ‘this is Mazz. That’s a shocking rumour.’ Her wafting hands stopped her bandmates piping up. ‘I’d love to know where you heard that.’

  On the other side of the glass Lance looked flummoxed. He tapped his watch and shrugged.

  Mazz said, ‘But, unfortunately it seems there isn’t time, so I’ll just say for the record: that rumour is completely unfounded. We’ll be recording a new album next month and be back to tour it real soon.’

  ‘That’s great news,’ Lance said. ‘We’ve got to cut to a commercial break. Perry I hope that answers your question. Incidentally, have you tickets to a USed Wonz’ show?’

  ‘Err,’ Perry flustered, ‘yeah tomorrow’s.’

  ‘Well stay on the line we’ll get a few more details. Maybe you could meet the guys backstage and perhaps shed some light on where you heard that rumour.’

  ‘Sure.’ Perry sounded unsure.

  Lance continued. ‘Thanks to my very special guests The USed Wonz, who will be recording and touring a new album very soon.’

  The bandmates thanked Lance with fake cheerfulness.

  Cueing the commercials Lance tore his headphones off and bounded the other side of the glass where his guests shook with a mix of emotions.

  ‘Guys, I’m sorry about that,’ he said.

  A door swung open and his assistant Jess put her head round the frame.

  Before she could speak Lance said, ‘Did you get that guy’s details?’

  ‘No, sorry, he put the phone down.’

  ‘You rang him back though?’

  ‘Yeah, but …’

  ‘But?’ Lance pressed.

  ‘He’d called from a phone booth.’

  ‘A payphone? Jess, you know we should be ringing these guys back to their homes.’

  ‘I know but I was rushing to get the last call in. Wherever he was it was quiet. I guessed he was home. Plus his question was about Stu’s drums. It sounded innocent enough. I was as surprised as anyone when he said what he did.’

  ‘Okay,’ Lance said. ‘The commercials are nearly over. I need to get back.’ To The USed Wonz he said, ‘I can’t apologise enough.’

  ‘I’ll take it from here,’ Jess said.

  Lance turned and the band followed Jess to reception where the show played live. Dane however had come in from the bus where he’d heard the show. The receptionist had heard everything too but didn’t stop filing her nails.

  ‘I know it seems bad,’ Dane said, ‘but I’ve had an idea.’

  September 1983 – January 1984

  Seeing The USed Wonz do so well at the Whisky, Linda had seen all she needed of the band, its management and marketing.

  Nevertheless the performances she kept attending served as pure enjoyment and as breaks from Earl’s bad tempers.

  The next night she crammed for the second time into the Anti-Club. Given the room’s furnace-hot conditions she expected a withering USed Wonz’ performance.

  The Whisky show had been an exercise in self-control and professionalism compared to the first impromptu nerve-fuelled Anti-Club gig. But from the moment the band stepped into the stage’s humidity the hormones raged infecting every soul in the room.

  * * *

  When eventually every journal had written reviews and articles about them, management deemed that LA had been exhausted.

  Johnny knew Linda should probably have said goodbye earlier but it seemed she wanted to see the band off. After Trudie had flown to New York, Linda met with the band at Steve’s Truck Rental where they returned the modified minibus in favour of the tour coach he’d readied for them.

  ‘Hey Linda,’ Johnny said as the paperwork and checks dragged on, ‘come and see the car I’m getting when we’re rich.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, perhaps a little coy.

  At the curb she didn’t object when he took her hand and led her through traffic to Casper’s Customs.

  Johnny might have expected the cars to look less impressive on second viewing but they looked better.

  Busy with a customer, Casper simply shot a wave.

  ‘This is my favourite,’ Johnny said pleased to see it hadn’t yet left for Vegas.

  ‘Camaro SS,’ Linda said. ‘It’s lovely. It’d suit you.’

  He watched her admiring it. ‘If it was mine would you let me take you for a ride?’

  Her reproachful expression said enough but made him smile.

  ‘Come on,’ she said, ‘I love your car but you’ve a bus to catch.’

  Johnny looked away. ‘Thanks Casper. We’ll be back.’

  ‘No problem,’ he said excusing himself from his customer. ‘Good luck with the tour.’

  Leaving Casper’s forecourt Johnny strode ahead of Linda’s clicking heels feeling mischievous.

  ‘Wha
t’s the rush?’ Linda said behind him.

  Stopping dead he spun around with open arms. As expected Linda stepped into his embrace. Fighting the urge to lift her off her feet he expected her to wriggle free. Instead she yielded looking up at him with a compassionate countenance.

  He guessed what she’d say but couldn’t help saying, ‘I want to kiss you so much.’

  ‘Don’t.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘Thank you. I feel something too but, how many times, you’ve got this wrong. Anyway we don’t know each other. I couldn’t give you what you want even if I wanted to.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘That’s kind of the point, Johnny.’

  ‘You’re guessing what I want.’

  ‘Again that’s my point. We don’t know each other.’

  ‘Forget about me, what do you want and don’t kid me you’ve got it with that gorilla you keep locked away?’

  ‘Stop it.’ Linda broke free and started walking.

  Johnny walked with her. He caught her hand and she didn’t pull away.

  ‘I can’t have what I really want; not with you, or anyone else.’

  He took a moment to consider a response. ‘Well I want your fine body in the backseat of the Chevy we just looked at. If you can sort that, I’ll do my best to get what you want.’

  ‘We haven’t time for this. And for the last time what I feel for you isn’t the same as what you feel for me.’

  He believed her and yet couldn’t believe it. It seemed unfair that he could desire someone who liked him so much without offering the slightest hope for him.

  ‘Sorry.’ He couldn’t think what else to say.

  They crossed the road.

  ‘I love that you like me,’ Linda said releasing his hand before joining the others, ‘but I’m sorry you think you want me. I’m gonna miss you. Promise you’ll stay in contact?’

  He knew he’d be out of LA for months. He’d no idea what she felt for him but knew he’d be phoning her office regularly. Maybe he’d get to the bottom of it over time.

  A minute after joining the others a cab pulled up and two men they’d been expecting jumped out.

  ‘Hi Linda,’ the first one said.

  Linda introduced them to the band as Jack and Quinn.

  ‘Sorry if we’re cutting it fine,’ Jack said hauling his bag out the taxi. ‘We’ve just arrived from Chicago.’

  ‘We were still teching for AC/DC two days ago,’ Quinn said shaking everyone’s hands.

  Mazz ran forward. ‘Who’s my bass tech then?’

  ‘That’ll be my pleasure,’ Quinn said. ‘Bass and drums.’

  ‘What you got there?’ Jack said spotting Stu dragging a giant yellow sports bag towards the tour bus. ‘Surely not your drums?’

  ‘Combat gear, target mitts and pads, that sort of thing.’ Stu unzipped the bag to show them.

  ‘Are we sparring?’ Quinn asked?

  ‘We don’t want to get flabby.’

  ‘No chance of that on the road. Look at us,’ Jack said flexing a bicep.

  Looking on, Linda wanted to laugh aloud, she couldn’t believe Richard would’ve budgeted so ridiculously for sports stuff that would obviously never get used.

  After the rest of the equipment had been transferred she eventually had to let them go. She stood by her Lotus and waved at the team of eight who waved back.

  * * *

  For the next few months the band travelled the states in their rented coach with either Jack or Quinn at the wheel. When the budget permitted they stayed in motels. As often as not they slept on the bus if members of band or crew didn’t sneak off to the home of a fan; a practice Richard begrudgingly condoned.

  By November the team prepared its assault on New York. The band spent intense nights gigging, zigzagging outside the city perimeter.

  Approaching from Boston having headlined the Paradise Theatre and supporting at the Orpheum they backed out to JB Scott’s in Albany. From there down to Philadelphia’s Bijou Cafe and back to both New Jersey’s Hitsville South and Hitsville North venues.

  Richard on the bus and Trudie in Vanquar’s head office made sure every AOR and college radio station in NYC knew about the approaching band; ensuring all music journals interviewed the band. Any potentially influential figure who’d listen received copies of the album and live recordings. All venues received posters and copies of the singles for their jukeboxes.

  When the band neither complained nor requested breaks Linda slotted extra gigs in for good measure and, twisting the New York’s Palladium management’s arm, convinced them to book The USed Wonz as a headline act.

  The three thousand capacity venue would be the band’s most ambitious strike to date. By the time they drove into the city the buzz had roused Vanquar staff, radio stations and finally rock and pop music fans’ curiosity.

  Richard insisted the band had two days rest from gigging. They used some of the time for site seeing but mostly they toured radio stations to big up the tour and sell records.

  After two nights they played their first NYC gig: a sell-out at The Ritz. The three hundred tickets sold quickly. They used the gig to promote the next night at the Palladium where ticket sales had unfortunately been comparatively slow, much to everyone’s concern. Everyone prayed for a last rush of ticket sales.

  As expected they didn’t sell-out. However, they sold enough tickets to satisfy the venue, most of the Vanquar top dogs and most importantly, the fans.

  That New York had been a success meant everyone could relax – a little.

  Linda had booked the band in to progressively larger venues for the return journey to LA.

  Before moving on Richard and Grace spent time at Vanquar’s headquarters drawing a further contract for The USed Wonz.

  GMD wanted to retain their rights to the band but as a record label also wanted to return to the UK and sign their next band. Understandably a tour manager needed to be appointed to see out the rest of the tour.

  Howie came in from Chicago looking like a cowboy in his tight Levis and Stetson.

  Stu didn’t much care for his dress sense but Johnny liking the America-ness broke from Stu’s fashion guidance and bought himself a Stetson and cowboy boots.

  Heading south through the eastern states lacking Richard’s mature social discipline around Grace the tone aboard the bus inevitably lowered as dirty jokes and swearing fuelled the laughter for their journeys.

  From LA Linda kept squeezing gigs into their nights off telling them she’d stop when they started complaining. They didn’t complain. Most of the additional gigs happened in smaller towns and venues where they slept on the bus.

  Howie filled the gaps in his management experience with a charm both girls fell foul of.

  First Mazz slept with him, then Christine, Christine again, then back to Mazz and, on one rare night in a motel, Stu saw both girls disappear into the same room with him.

  Johnny phoned Linda professionally when he could and socially when he couldn’t. She came to know the band’s needs and, perhaps because Earl made her feel guilty for taking such considerable percentages of her bands’ earnings, she found herself picking up Howie’s managerial slack.

  One night when Johnny phoned from Alabama, Linda enquired as to Johnny’s sex life.

  ‘Fine,’ he said.

  ‘Well, be safe.’

  ‘For you of course, why d’you think they call me Johnny?’

  ‘You sound like you’re saving yourself for me.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Don’t.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘I’ve got a boyfriend.’

  ‘I wasn’t asking.’

  ‘But it’s a fact.’

  ‘He’s wrong for you. That’s a fact too.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’

  ‘Yes I do.’

  ‘I wish I hadn’t started this now,’ Linda said knowing he had a point about Earl.

  As the coach fled winter heading t
o Florida and Miami things grew uncomfortable between the girls and Howie.

  Johnny liked him and the job he basically did but everyone, including Howie who said he’d head straight back to Chicago, knew he’d not be tour managing the band when or even if they got a second US tour.

  * * *

  As their first American tour drew closer to LA and its close, life on the road became routine but far from boring especially as none of the band had any clue what would happen next.

  For Stu, America had lived up to his hopes as it had for the others. For Johnny, LA meant seeing Linda again. Whatever their future he knew she’d be a part of it initially at least especially as much communication from England reached them through her.

  They learnt that GMD had signed a three-piece band called Little Spirit. The Production Annex had recorded a spectacular album. Naturally, Richard had wanted to sign them to the best possible deal but it seemed Little Spirit wouldn’t be following the same path as The USed Wonz. Trudie appeared to have dropped off the radar in Australia. It seemed Richard didn’t know where to turn with Little Spirit having received rejections from Vanquar and every other major financier.

  Saturday 23rd June 1984

  The bus left KOMP and its DJ, Lance who’d no doubt ring around other radio stations to see if they’d heard speculation about The USed Wonz losing their advance. Quinn pulled off the road where the band could discuss what had happened.

  Johnny’s fists clenched. ‘Whoever tricked me and robbed us wasn’t just after money; they’re after ruining us.’

  ‘But we’re safe,’ Dane said. Johnny noted Dane’s, we’re safe, rather than, you’re safe. ‘There’s Linda’s money, so you’ll be recording an album no matter what.’

  ‘Yeah, and how well it turns out and its success is down to us,’ Mazz said.

  Johnny’s fists relaxed.

  Leaning forwards he cupped Mazz’s cherubim face. ‘You were brilliant. You kept a lid on things. Well done.’

  He kissed her forehead. Seeing Christine looking wide-eyed he reached for her hand. She put her other on his.

  ‘Thanks everyone,’ Johnny said. ‘I hate myself for bringing this garbage into our lives.’

  ‘We don’t know that it is garbage,’ Dane said before adding, ‘aside from having to repay Linda of course.’

  ‘You said you had an idea,’ Stu said.

  ‘I do. No publicity is bad publicity. So what if there’s malicious gossip about there being no second album? Use it to promote the second album. I’m thinking let’s get the demo duplicated and sell it with the T-shirts.’