The Prison

by Stefano Pastor

  She surprised me with a smile. “Buddha is not a God. He was a man like you and me.”

  “Well, I don’t believe in anything. Neither to reincarnation, nor to other nonsense stuff like that. You die and that’s it, and when you die it’s all over. No heaven or hell, there’s nothing. You don’t come back, no reincarnation, it’s over. That’s what I think, it’s fair that you know it.”

  I didn’t even scratch her certainties. “The gods still exist. And they do miracles.”

  She was able to confuse me. “What Gods are you talking about?”

  “There are many, but they are not all sympathetic. You need to know where to turn.”

  I kept staring at her for a long time. “Are you serious? That’s what’s eating you up? You didn’t know how to tell me?”

  “I beg your pardon madam. I know I shouldn’t interfere. But I love Diego, so much. I don’t want him to die.”

  She was able to wipe me out. My hands trembled. “I must beg for your pardon, Indira. I’ve been unfair.”

  “If you can’t, I can pray. Does that displease you?”

  It didn’t upset me, I was just exhausted. Why tell her it would be useless? If all she wanted was paying for Diego, she should have done it.

  “You can pray all the gods you want.”

  She stood up a lot more relaxed, she won in the end.

  “Only one, ma’am. Only one.”

  Later the same day, as the time to came back to the hospital approached, I went looking for her. It was rare that I went into her room, at most I would knock on the door. That day I behaved differently. Perhaps I thought she deserved something more, not just a quick greeting. Indira suffered, just like me. She was desperate, she shouldn’t stay alone.

  I knocked as usual, but then I went in without waiting for an answer.

  There was an idol, and she knelt in front of him. She was really praying. Her hands clenched, the veil, the third eye even appeared, the soul’s mirror.

  I had never seen her like so, even the room was different. A fragrant aroma filled the air, some candles had been lit.

  It was the first time I saw her to pray, I felt embarrassed. Not her. “It’s time already, ma’am?”

  Somehow, I had to justify my presence there. “Would you like to come with me?”

  She only shook her head.

  While I was there, it was useless to pretend not to see. So, I did it. “Is that your god? I’ve never met him.”

  I had no idea that she had some relics, she had never exposed them before. That statue looked very old.

  I looked at it closer. It was about 40 centimeters tall and represented a sitting woman, surrounded by ten arms, shaped like a crown.

  Wacky reminiscences made me turn my nose up. I couldn’t hold back from commenting. “Are you praying Kalì?”

  Of all Indian Gods, she was the only one I knew, although my culture come from literature and movie mostly. Surely it was the most terrifying and bloody God I’d heard about.

  Indira explained me. “This is Durga.”

  I was not convinced. “It seems like Kalì to me.”

  Indira pointed out. “She is Kalì.”

  She hanged about a dozen images on the wall, up to the previous day there were none. She pointed out another goddess, and indeed didn’t look like the other one. Kalì’s skin was as dark as the night and her arms were only four. Her big eyes were disturbing, but much more the long red tongue that protruded from her lips.

  They couldn’t actually be the same goddess. Durga was beautiful, a proud face as a fighter, Kalì looked like a demon.

  “Sorry, I don’t know much about this topic.”

  “It happens to many. Durga and Kalì have a lot in common.”

  I could have been silent, but I didn’t. “What?”

  “They were both created to fight demons.”

  “Ah.”

  “Someone also believe that Kalì is an emanation of Durga, her angry version. But they’re wrong.”

  I didn’t care much about it, but I made the mistake earlier of mocking her faith. And it was early, a few minutes spent there wouldn’t harm anyone.

  “It’s her who you praying? Can she save Diego?”

  “Durga can defeat any demon, nobody has never defeated her.”

  But what afflicted Diego wasn’t a demon. It had a name: fulminant leukemia. Even my spine was useful, his demon could not be defeated.

  I didn’t want to talk about Durga or miracles, I preferred to move the conversation on Kalì. “I know her as a bloody goddess. Is this wrong too?”

  “No, that’s right. For blood she’s been created, and a blood slave she remained.”

  Yet there was also her image along with the others. “Do you worship her?”

  “Whether you worship her or not she exists anyway. We can’t live without her.”

  “Yes but…” Even Satan exists for Catholics, but it would be unusual to find his image in a church.

  “Long time ago the demon Raktabija tried to destroy all gods. It was powerful and invincible, he couldn’t be stopped. It was useless to hurt him, because if a single drop of his blood touched the ground a new demon was created identical to him. It was then that Durga generated it. Kalì was born from her eyebrow, the supreme night able to devour everything, the destroyer of all worlds. With her mouth, she drank every drop of the demon’s blood, preventing him from touching the ground, and finally she cut his head off.”

  “Impressive”, I said, but I didn’t really follow her story.

  “Then she couldn’t stop”, Indira continued. “The desire for blood dominated her. Violence and death were her obsession and she could no longer do without. She brought terror into the world.”

  I sighed. “I remembered well, then.”

  “Only her groom succeeded. Shiva was the only one who faced her. Only when she was about to kill him, Kalì recognized him. She remembered. She managed to hold her thirst.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Groom? But wasn’t she just been created?”

  “Don’t make fun of me.”

  “It wasn’t my intention.”

  “You understood the meaning of the story. Love can beat everything, any demon.”

  Unfortunately, in reality it didn’t happen, but it was useless to remind it to her.

  I looked at the watch to find an alibi. “It’s really late! Diego is waiting for me. We’ll talk later, okay?”

  She kept staring at me until I was gone.

  Indira woke me up at six in the morning. It was the first time it happened. I was exhausted, I fall asleep very late. A night of nightmares.

  “Is it time to get up? Do I have to go?”

  It couldn’t be time to get up, outside was still dark.

  “I did it, ma’am. I’ve done it! Durga wept for me.”

  I didn’t understand anything, I tried to raise myself on one arm. “What time is it?”

  “She understood how important this was. She granted me this privilege.”

  I started to focus, even on her words. “Are you talking about the goddess?”

  “It’s rare that they listen to us, but she did.”

  I made an immense effort to hold back. It was not the right hour and, above all, I wasn’t in the right a state of mind to stand that.

  I spelled the words carefully. “Did the statue weep?”

  “All night long. I picked up every single drop, no one got lost.”

  Weeping Madonnas, weeping saints, why not a weeping Durga? I had a hysterical need to laugh. Even if I didn’t, I felt guilty anyway. “Sorry.”

  She showed me the flask, as if it was her most precious asset. “Durga’s tears.”

  I cleared my voice. “And what… what should I do with it?”

  “They can save Diego.”

  It was a painful moment, a compulsory choice. Indira had tried, she didn’t want to give up. She wanted to fight, just like her goddess. Why crush her?

  “Leave them… Leave them on the bedside tabl
e. I’ll take them with me when I’ll go to the hospital.”

  She didn’t take it well, she looked at me for a long time, then took the flask back. “No, it’s pointless. You don’t believe it.”

  I tried, I was willing to do anything to not disappoint her. By now I could declare defeat. “That a statue wept? Yes, it’s hard to believe. And don’t say it happens every day, please!”

  She was offended, but not for that. “Of course, it doesn’t happen every day, it’s a rare event. Extremely rare! Durga never answers the prayers.”

  “But you made it”, I added, but it was difficult to hide my skepticism.

  “She read in my heart! She understood how important it was!”

  “Tell me, you know…”

  I had made the worst mistake. She turned back, turned around, not to be seen again. Maybe she even started crying. She too.

  “Indira, you can’t ask me to… You come here at night time, you say… things. How can I…”

  “Enough. Enough! Shut up!”

  I couldn’t, I was upset now. It didn’t want to worry about her feelings anymore, that needed to come to an end. “Your husband is dead, right? It was a long illness, you said. If you really have this power, if you can talk to gods, why didn’t you save him?”

  Here, I destroyed everything. Ten years living together, a relationship built day after day with fatigue. She would never forgive me anymore, maybe she would leave me as well.

  Instead she answered. “I didn’t love him enough!”, she turned, her eyes dry. “If I didn’t do it is because I did not want to.”

  I didn’t expect it, I opened a Pandora’s box. Now I had to close it as soon as possible. “Don’t say that.”

  “Every prodigy has its price. The biggest the prodigy, the greatest the price. I loved him, but not enough. Not enough to pay that price.”

  She laid bare, as I had never seen her before. And her heart was beautiful. Because maybe she had not loved her husband enough, but for Diego she was willing to pay any price.

  “I’m sorry”, I said, offering my arms. “I’m really sorry.”

  She accepted my embrace, she held me tight. I could almost cry. Almost. “He’s about to leave us”, I murmured. “We must be strong.”

  We stayed together for a long time, then she parted. Her eyes were damp.

  I tried to fix another mistake. “Those…tears. Durga’s Tears. I’ll bring them to him. I will really do, I’m not lying. Trust me.”

  I didn’t convince her, because I didn’t believe it either. She was no longer angry, perhaps disappointed. “No, you don’t need to do it. It’s just a nonsense. I shouldn’t interfere.”

  “Indira…”

  She left and both of us remained alone.

  I shook my head before talking. “He doesn’t want to.”

  Diego didn’t understand. “Have they refused to do so? But…”

  “They didn’t refuse, it’s Franco who doesn’t want to leave, he was absolutely clear about it.”

  We could hear Enrico’s voice even though they were down the corridor. They had left us alone this time.

  Diego closed his eyes. “He will see me die.”

  There was nothing I could do. Franco had refused to change room, even though we were getting close to the end. He didn’t want to leave him. Perhaps he also wanted to understand how it would have been, since his time was coming inexorably.

  It was wrong anyway. Even though he opposed himself, it wasn’t right that the young boy encountered death. A simple screen wouldn’t protect him.

  Diego couldn’t stand anymore, his breakdown happened suddenly. He also had difficulty talking. He opened his mouth but no sound came out anymore.

  I got close with my ear, trying to hear. I realized too late that the problem was much more serious.

  I rang the bell but it wasn’t enough. I ran to the door screaming. “Nurse, hurry! My son is sick!”

  I looked around but met only Franco’s eyes at the bottom of the corridor. Even his eyes were filled with terror.

  “Not yet! Not yet!” I shouted going back into the room.

  Indira was in the kitchen when I came back.

  She didn’t ask me what happened, because I had spent the night in the hospital. She said only, “I cook something to eat for you.”

  I shook my head. “I just get change and go back there.”

  “You’re too tired, you should rest.”

  I didn’t want to continue to pretend. “Why don’t you come too?”

  “Another time, ma’am. Today I’m too busy.”

  I started screaming. “There will not be another time! If you don’t come now you will never see him again!”

  She almost dropped the plate she was drying. “Is he dying?”

  “It’s over”, I said. “I almost lost him tonight.”

  “You shouldn’t be here, then.”

  I exploded, and I felt free finally. “I came to take you, idiot! I just came to take you!”

  This time she didn’t get offended, she just put the plate down.

  “I just take my coat and I’m ready”, she said.

  The screen was pulled, but Franco was there. He heard everything. I too heard him cry, at least he could do it.

  Diego was pale, an ashen pallor. Big eyes on a skinny face. He was asking for water, but he couldn’t speak anymore.

  Everything was happening as I had imagined. How long could it last? Minutes, hours? I only hoped it would be over before the visiting hours, I would not tolerate that Enrico would see us now. It was a mistake to allow Franco to stay.

  Indira didn’t move. She was standing still beside the door, clutching her purse. Maybe she didn’t greet him either. And Diego clearly didn’t notice her presence.

  I chose a compromise. “Take him out, go get something.”

  They both heard me, but they didn’t move. I stood next to Diego, holding his hand, ignoring anyone else.

  There was no life without him. No future. Not a sad future or pain, not even that I could conceive. Nothingness.

  When the breath became more troubled, I was about to press the bell. It would have been useless, no one could have helped him anymore. His destiny was about to be fulfilled. I kissed him on a cheek flaky and dry like that of an old man. I searched for tears again.

  Then my breakdown was complete.

  I left Diego and ran to Indira. “Give them to me!”, I yelled. “I know you brought them with you. You have them here!”

  She didn’t deny it. “Are you sure you really want it?”

  That was the one thing I was sure about. “Whatever the price, I’m willing to pay for it.”

  “Afterwards you cannot go back.”

  There was nothing after that, so what did it matter? “I believe in everything! I believe your goddess, I even believe in Kalì. Whatever, but please don’t let him die.”

  “You don’t necessarily have to believe it.”

  I was confused. “Doesn’t it work this way?”

  “She has already given us her tears, there is no need for anything else.”

  Whatever they were, simple water or snake blood, would not hurt him. Maybe they were really tears. Tears that Indira had scattered for a whole night, only for Diego. I knew it was useless, that I was fooling myself, but nothing mattered anymore.

  “I believe everything anyway. Give them to him, now. We don’t have time.”

  She put one hand in her pocket and the bottle appeared. It was half full.

  I reached out but she didn’t give it to me.

  “They’re not for him, they’re for you.”

  I was too confused to understand. “I don’t…I don’t care about me. It’s Diego that you need to heal.”

  “I can’t do it, only you can.”

  It was the first time she spoke to me like a friend, despite having asked her a thousand times to do so. But that time I didn’t even realize it.

  “What should I do?”

  “Durga will give you the p
ower. Just make sure you don’t abuse it. You have to do exactly what as I will tell you.”

  I had abandoned all form of rationality for the moment, in that bed Diego was dying and I was losing time pursuing crazy superstitions. “What do I have to do?” I repeated.

  “You can’t go back, I’m sorry. It can be contained, but you will never go back. Are you sure you want to continue?”

  “Everything!”, I yelled. “Everything!”

  She handed me the flask. “Drink.”

  I had imagined it. Even if it was poison, I would have welcomed it as a welcome gift. I opened it and swallowed the contents in one sip.

  Water. Salt water. Tears.

  I cried. A river of tears. I couldn’t stop. “Diego…”

  “You must be in control. Stop when I tell you. Do you think you can do it?”

  I didn’t understand. “What?”

  “Be awake. You must remain conscious. Be yourself.”

  We were wasting time. “Diego is dying.”

  “We’ll sort it out, calm down. Still few seconds.”

  She smelled bad, it was the first thing I noticed. More than that, it was really repellent, I couldn’t stay next to her. I had never known Indira emit such a sting.

  I walked away from her, barely aware of it, and suddenly I found myself next to Diego.

  “Here it is”, Indira said.

  His voice was strange, extremely slow. Everything was slow around me.

  Diego was beautiful, I never saw anything more beautiful. An angel, a true angel. He smelled with a celestial fragrance, pure nectar of gods. That scent dominated everything, making me crazy.

  “Stay awake! Keep thinking! Don’t let it take over. Remember who you are, repeat it to yourself!”

  Who was I? I turned my head and looked in the mirror. I kept staring at my image.

  I struggled to get him out of there, but I lost. Diego wanted to know what was happening to him, it was like a drug to him. His decay was haunting him down.

  Now was haunting me. I changed, I was different.

  My face was blurred, I couldn’t see my contours. Only my eyes were alive. I just moved my arms. What I saw in the mirror was too funny, which made me laugh. According to him I had four arms.