The Prison

by Stefano Pastor

  “Can you guess what you were doing when the accident happened? Actually, guess what caused the accident!”

  One thing she was certain, Giulia shock her head. “There was nothing between her and Roberto, I can assure you. There was never anything! We didn’t even stand each other! I would of never…”

  She gets interrupted. “If you were with it maybe not. You would have never had done it. But you were high, you just took it. You didn’t care if it was my husband. He was a man, you only cared about that. Whoever it was that was fine, whenever you wanted.”

  The fear grew. “Did I really do it?”

  “I imagine he didn’t want to, he would have tried to stop you. Maybe you fought, and that’s what caused the accident.” A brief silence. “Maybe not, maybe he liked it. But this is not what’s important. Same as it’s not important when it happened. If you bit him before the accident or not. These are questions I’ve always asked myself, but in the end, it’s not important.”

  “I’m not a monster!” shouted Giulia. “I don’t remember anything!”

  “Yeah, like always, every time you’ve done something wrong. It wasn’t me, I don’t remember! Always the same story.”

  Giulia started crying, she couldn’t resist anymore. She tried to talk but she couldn’t stop crying.

  Claudia’s voice changed to comprehensive. “You see how you do owe me something? Now you understand?” A long inhale. “You have no idea what I had to do to keep you from not going into prison.”

  Giulia stopped crying, upset. “Prison? Me? For what reason?”

  “You caused the accident, there was even a death. Of course, you need to be in prison. And being drugged doesn’t really put you in a good place. I had to get the highest lawyer to get you free. A very expensive lawyer.”

  “I don’t remember.”

  “Of course, you don’t. But believe it. You were in a really bad state when I brought you back from the hospital. I had to disinfect you. It was horrible. I can believe you that you don’t remember anything about that period. I would also love to forget it, cancel it from my life.”

  The tears came back, Giulia didn’t know what to say. Whatever excuse seemed inadequate.

  “Do you have any idea how much that lawyer cost me? Do you know how much it cost me to keep you out of jail? You deserve it, you deserved going to prison! You killed him, you killed Roberto!”

  “No, I beg you.”

  “I had some put aside. It wasn’t much, it was enough to pay the funeral and the deposit for the lawyer. I had to leave my work to be near you, to disinfect you!”

  “Forgive me! Forgive me! Something, ask me anything, ask me anything but that.”

  Claudia caressed her on the cheek, making her jump. “But I’m not asking you anything. I’m just telling you how things are.”

  Was that the way? She had to pay? Even if she can’t remember anything? Was she still guilty? IT took some effort to ask. “Will the operation hurt?”

  “You won’t even notice.”

  That wasn’t enough to calm her down. “I’m scared. I’m very scared.”

  “You shouldn’t be.”

  Claudia hugged her, as if nothing had happened. Maybe she was forgiving her, maybe there was still a chance. She wouldn’t abandon her, no matter what she did. Maybe a necessary sacrifice, even if she couldn’t understand it. “My pension can’t help us? We can do a sacrifice, so many still.”

  “There’s no pension, my dear. We don’t have any money.”

  She couldn’t understand. “No pension? But I’m blind!”

  Claudia continued to hug her. “I know my dear, but I have never asked for the pension. I couldn’t.”

  “Why? What are you saying? Even if it was my fault…I’m still blind! They should have given me a pension, it’s not fair!”

  “But you haven’t lost your sight, Giulia. You came out of the hospital being able to see, only a few scratches.”

  Giulia started to become hysterical.

  “My eyes! Claudia, what happened to my eyes?”

  “We didn’t have any money, Giulia, there was things to pay and we had to eat, pay the rent. It was a deal Giulia. We paid all the debts and there was enough to live relaxed for four years.”

  The fear paralyzed her, she couldn’t speak. “You… You…”

  Claudia allowed herself to laugh. “What a poetic justice, don’t you think? You could have donated a kidney, but the eyes were better. More just, don’t you think? At the end of the day, you were a painter. The eyes were everything, for you. You deserve it.”

  Giulia screamed, but there was nobody there that could help her.

  “With the kidney, it would have been so much easier, in pain, nearly. Of course, we would have got less, but it would have allowed us to move along for a couple or three years. We will see. There’s still so many pieces.”

  Giulia gasped, she couldn’t breathe “My heart…” implored.

  Claudia answered with sweetness. “Your heart, I know. Well, we will leave that for last.”

  September 2007

  TEARS OF A WIFE

  Translation by Cinzia Albanese

  The ring was inside the cake, she was sure of it. It was the most terrible and stupid idea, but also very sweet. Adam couldn’t stop talking, he couldn’t stay quiet. He thought that’s how he could hide his nerves.

  I knew he was the man for me, I was sure. He would have asked me, maybe he would have gone down on one knee, it was his style. Did I want to marry him? All this would have happened after, of course, after I found the ring. I hope, without breaking a tooth.

  That moment was about to happen and I haven’t decided yet. I never can. I looked for something that didn’t exist: perfection. Adam was beautiful, sweet, gentle and funny. He adored me, he would do anything for me. But he would get old, like all the other, maybe even got fat, maybe he would have lost all his hair. Making love would have become a chore, his merit defects, his kind affection. Even his sweetness would disappear. or maybe not.

  Was it him who I wanted to be for the rest of my existence? How many times have I been in similar situations? Hundreds, maybe million. Points of the existence in which was important to decide Choose a road in which was impossible to suffer. I couldn’t, maybe I would have never done it.

  With a nod from Adam the waiter comes and brings the dessert. It was already cut, and my piece had a huge mountain of swiped cream. Adam’s eyes shinned, I could hear his heart beat. He wasn’t stupid, he must have noticed my uncertainty, he would have died if I pushed him away. He couldn’t even imagine living without me.

  He already programmed our life, the house we should buy, the kids we would have, everything until the pension.

  In the most emotional moment I pushed my chair back and stood up.

  “I’m going to sort my makeup out”, I told him in the most trivial way.

  He suffered, but it wasn’t his way to stop me. “Is it really necessary?” he risked. His hands shook, he was scared that I would run away.

  I made my decision. “I’ll be back immediately, just one minute.”

  I left him there. I found the toilet without asking anyone, because I saw other customers use them. It was empty, I went in and closed the door.

  I was bad. My hands were also shaking and my legs would keep me up. I leaned over the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I was beautiful. I wanted to grab that beauty and never let it go, but Adam was also entitled to be happy. I could have done it, I could have made him the happiest man in the world, if only…

  How to accept only one life? How to accept making a mistake, of failing? at the same time, how to accept of losing him, of not seeing him again. How many men have I loved, in the same way? I lost count, I’ve also lost all memory of them. I abandoned them, because they weren’t enough. Because I couldn’t be content, because the next one could be better.

  I placed my palms on the mirror and clutched my teeth. The pain was atrocious and I deserved it. It was a good
of similar suffering, this allowed me to use this gift for futile stuff. I abandoned my body for a new existence, in the search for perfection. I continued that absurd, infinite, eternal, wondering through the world, reborn from the ashes of a disturbed life.

  I pushed with all my strength and threw myself back, emerging from her meat. Separating my body with a rattle, and I fell to the ground. I was naked, but this I was expecting. Her, the one that one who wasn’t me anymore, stayed handing on to the mirror, panting like me, with the dress intact. For her the pain was something better.

  I had divided, yet again. Another me into this world, to life the existence that I refused, to stay next to Adam until death, to search for happiness.

  My odyssey continued, in the search of a purpose, a love ending with eternity. to make sense at the millions of lives that I refused, making me feel complete.

  The other one put the bag on the floor, without turning around. There was a change of clothes. Money and documents, everything I would have needed. I left her with memories, of Adam just remembering his face. If we kissed I didn’t remember when. I renounced him, but he would of have me anyway.

  The other one left me in the toilet. I stood up with tiredness, the body still aching. I washed myself, put the clothes on. It was the case of leaving there after they had left, at the end we are identical, but I couldn’t resist to find out what I would have missed.

  I approached for a quick look and saw them. Adam was kneeling in front of her, and she hold his hand. It was beautiful.

  I would have found another one, even more beautiful. I was sure of it. Without defects, the absolute perfection, and our life would be wonderful. I didn’t have to resist, being happy, I had all eternity in front of me.

  I walked out of the door and cried.

  March 2013

  LOST ITEMS

  Translation by Cinzia Albanese

  “Madam, wait! I’m talking to you, stop for a second!”

  Patrizia turned around confused. “You talking to me, officer?”

  “Yes, you. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

  Patrizia looked at the bags and packages. Everyone was there. The wallet tight in hand, without losing sight of it.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “And these?”

  She tried to understand what she meant. There were two kids behind the officer. One male and one female. Six or seven years old maximum.

  “I don’t know them.”

  “They are not yours?”

  She chuckled. “Oh God, no!”

  The officer turned around to the kids. “Is this your mum? Are you sure?”

  They both smiled.

  “They seem to have a different view.”

  Patrizia was incredulous. “They are mistaken. They must be confused.”

  “They look certain to me.”

  “I assure you I don’t have kids. I’m not even married.”

  “What reason would they have to lie?”

  She had no idea. She awkwardly moved towards the children. “I look like your mum but I’m not her”, she tried to explain.

  The male one contradicts her. “It’s her”, the female confirmed.

  “I don’t…”

  “This is a serious offence, madam. Please follow me.”

  Patrizia got scared. “How can I tell you? I’m not married! I don’t have kids! I can prove it!”

  “Are you sure?”

  She put the bags down and opened the wallet, searching for her identification card.

  “Here, you see!” she said handing it over. “Single. It’s written there single.”

  The officer took it but when he opened it something fell to the ground. A photo. He picked it up and showed her.

  “If you don’t know them, can you tell me why you have a photo of them behind it?”

  Patrizia went paled. It was them. Maybe a year younger. They were smiling.

  “It’s not possible.”

  “Let me check.” The officer took her wallet from her hand and Patrizia didn’t dare to intervene. In front of her eyes he took out the documents but couldn’t find any other photo.

  “There must be an explanation”, said Patrizia.

  “Follow me, please. Let’s talk about it in the office, calmly.”

  “No, wait! It’s a mistake, I’m sure of it.”

  “You will have a way to show it, but first follow me.”

  Was this really happening? There, in public? Was he arresting her? So many stopped to look at her, they already considered her a monster. She just wanted to collapse.

  “I bed you, don’t do this to me.”

  The officers look was cold, he already condemned her.

  “Mum!” shouted the little girl, making everyone gasp. She grabbed the brothers arm and started to pull. “Look, there’s mum! She’s over there.”

  The officer frowned, while Patrizia released a breath of relief. “Are you sure?”

  Even the young boy nodded. “Yes, it’s her!” Then he ran away being pulled by the sister. “Mum, Mum! It’s us!”

  “Wait!”, shouted the officer. “You can’t escape like this. Wait!” And he ran behind them.

  Under everybody’s eyes Patrizia had a greying colour. “You see? it was a mistake. They were wrong.”

  The kids and the agent disappeared behind a corner. They stopped there. The officer took out the money from Patrizia’s wallet and counted them “Eight hundred euros.”

  “I was expecting more”, said the kid. “Considering the way, she was holding tight to it.”

  They divided the amount in equal parts and each other went in their own way.

  July 2015

  OTIS

  Translation by Cinzia Albanese

  There was a bare, ordinary establishment, and there the darkness felt at home. There was no sign either, it was too dark to be readable.

  In an angle table, there was a strange couple. Nico, the waited went at the right time to order, but the couple were engaged in a heated discussion.

  She was about fifty, even though she would wear makeup like a 20-year-old, and perhaps once might have cared. The hair in Marilyn Monroe style, old-fashioned, and even more fake than fake. The man, surely her husband, was precise, seemed like an accountant, with round glasses and the start of baldness.

  When Nico came closer he lowered his voice, but did not stop. “… you did not follow the indications as I told you”, the woman complained. “Who knows where we are.”

  “What do you need?”, Nico asked.

  She glanced at him. “Bring us two coffees.”

  Nico did not move and was more explicit. “What are you looking for?

  The man shuddered before the wife answered again. “Do you know Otis?”

  Nico shook his head slowly, his adventurers knew a lot, but that name he had never heard of it.

  “Then there can be no help!” she cleared her. “Bring us some coffee.”

  At the counter, Nico waited for the bartender to prepare the order and commented. “Who knows why we all get them all?”

  Otis arrived an hour later. The establishment was nearly empty, there was only the rude couple who didn’t stop talking.

  Nico raised his eyebrows, seeing him come in, and immediately ran to send him away. “Hey, kid, this is no place for you. What do you want?”

  The kid must have had a maximum of eleven years, maybe less, and didn’t seem lost. He looked at him with innocent eyes and with a nod he indicated towards the couple sat in that establishment.

  Always more surprised, Nico asked him: “Are you Otis?”

  The kid nodded, agreeing.

  He moved aside to let him go through, and when the barman asked him why he had let him in, he did not answer him. It was too curious to see what would happen.

  The little boy reached the table and stopped. There was a free chair but he did not sit down.

  “I am Otis”, he said.

  The couple exchanged a look, too surprised to answer. Her hus
band first resumed. “You are very young. More than we expected.”

  “Is this a bad thing?”

  The woman was also uncertain. “Like this it’s too young.” She asked for her husband’s support. “Isn’t it true, darling?”

  The man shook his hands. “I do not know what to say.”

  “If you prefer me to leave”, Otis said.

  In two, they stopped. “No, sit down!”

  The child sat in front of them, composed. “If you’ve been here, then you’ve done all the initiation.”

  “It was not easy, some tests were terrible, but we really did”, said the man.

  The child nodded. “I understand. Now you are entitled to your reward.”

  That word lit their eyes. “It’s true? Is it all real? You are not joking?”

  “Do you want to become like me?”

  The woman could not stay silent “It can’t be a bit older?”

  The baby shook his head. “Like this you have a lot more time.”

  Her husband immediately gave him reason. “He is right, dear. We will have much more time.”

  The woman surrendered. “As you want, dear. You will understand that at first it will not be easy if we are so young.”

  He shook her hand. “Do not worry, we’ll figure it out.” He turned to the child. “What else do we have to do?”

  He answered immediately. “Kill me.”

  The couple stiffened. “What are you saying?” Asked the man.

  “Do you want to be young? Do you want to live forever? Well, the only way is to get the youth from the one who has it. You have to kill me.”

  The agitation grew. “What’s the point?” asked the man. “What do you gain from it?”

  “Do not worry, there is a reason why I’m doing it.”

  The couple exchanged another look. “We could never do it”, said the woman.

  “Not even to live for eternity?”

  An uncertain new look. “You would like to be killed?”

  The child sighed. “Oh yes, I would like it.”

  Now it was all a matter of exchanging looks, in a mute dialogue. The man believed to interpret the child’s words. “You are immortal, aren’t you? How long? Are you tired of being that? Do you consider it a curse? Would you like to die?”