I forced myself to stop thinking about it, because it was making me squirm in my seat. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, and I didn’t want to keep rubbing my leg against Ben’s accidentally—no, I wanted to do it on purpose. I barely managed to behave myself on the way to the zoo.
Once we arrived, there was the usual press to get through the crowds, along with standing in line. Elle was still bouncing with delight, and she seemed so much like just a regular seven-year-old right then that it lightened my own step. I could feel at least the possibility of a breakthrough coming for her.
We traipsed through the zoo, hitting most of the exhibits over the next few hours. Elle was particularly entranced by the new baby lion, which we were lucky enough to see. She stared at it for such a long time that I grew concerned and placed a hand on her shoulder. “What do you think of the baby?”
“She’s beautiful. I’d like to have a baby.”
I blinked and then laughed. “I’m sure you’ll meet the right man someday, but you’re far too young to be thinking about it right now.”
Elle rolled her eyes at me. “I meant a baby sister.”
This time, my laugh felt more forced. “Maybe that’s a possibility someday.”
She looked sad when she shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. My mom told me she made sure she’d never have to have babies again after I was born.”
I flinched at the words, imagining why she might have said that to her daughter. It may have been thoughtlessly cruel, or perhaps it was a purposeful effort to hurt Elle by implying she’d never make the same mistake again. “Still, your father might get married again someday.” The thought brought a hitch to my throat, and I glanced in his direction. I was happy he followed a few steps behind the family who had run across our path, so he hadn’t heard.
She looked entirely too grown-up and serious when she shook her head again. “No, I’ve heard him say that he’ll never get married again. He says wives and women are too much trouble.”
I winced again, but I wasn’t certain why. Was it because Elle had overheard a conversation not meant for her ears, or because of my own feelings? I just squeezed her shoulder and didn’t say anything else. What could I say? Anything else would be false hope, and I certainly didn’t have any inside information on the possibility of either one of her parents having more children.
When Ben caught up with us, we moved on to the snake house, and Elle ran down the length of the enclosure. She took a perch a few feet away from us, and her attention was focused completely on the animals. I leaned against the rail and turned to Ben. “I think she’s hoping she’s a wizard—” I broke off abruptly when I realized how close we were to each other. Our faces were only inches apart, and my heart leaped before I jumped back.
All I managed to do was catch the heel of my boot against the uneven cement to the floor and start to fall. My arms went flying out, but they weren’t what kept me from hitting the concrete.
Ben’s arms wrapped around me, holding me steady. It happened quickly, and he pulled me against his chest, perhaps in an accidental overcorrection to keep me from falling backward. I wanted to think there was another reason. Maybe that was why I didn’t move away.
We stayed like that for a moment, my hands clutching the lapels of his jacket as his arms remained locked around me. Our bodies pressed close to each other, so tight that I could feel the heat radiating from him, and our mouths were only inches away from touching. I stared up into his eyes, certain I saw desire there. I know I felt it through my veins, and I licked my lips.
The hard bulge pressing against my hip a second later confirmed I wasn’t imagining things. I gasped at the feeling of his cock stiffening against me.
He gave me a crooked grin, and the corners of his eyes crinkled. “I’m sorry. It’s an automatic response to being so close to a beautiful woman.”
My insides went mushy at the words, and I felt like I was melting under the intensity of his gaze. For a second, I hovered on the edge of tilting forward and pressing my lips to his. He seemed to be having a similar thought, and his head moved down toward me.
“Are you guys going to kiss?”
Elle’s question startled us both and we jumped apart like scalded cats. Thankfully, I didn’t trip this time. I frowned at her and shook my head. “Of course not.”
She looked skeptical. “You looked like you were going to. You looked like in the movies.”
“Oh come on, Elle, we weren’t doing anything like that at all,” said Ben in a slightly gruff tone. “Lindsay nearly fell, and I caught her. That’s all.”
Elle looked skeptical. She was too perceptive for her age. The speculation gleaming in her eyes worried me, as did the grin that broke over her face a few minutes later. I could see her starting to entertain thoughts that were bound to break her heart. When she skipped up beside me and took my hand in hers, I still squeezed, not wanting to deny her the loving connection, though I was terrified I was setting her up for disappointment. And maybe setting myself up for disappointment, came the thought in my mind.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I will have a baby someday.”
“After college,” I admonished with a wink.
“Sure.” She leaned closer, pitching her voice so Ben couldn’t hear it from where he stood on my other side. “Remember, I want a sister.”
I feigned ignorance. “Like I said, maybe you’ll have that someday. That’s up to your mom and dad.”
She winked at me, as though we were sharing a big secret. “Sure, Lindsay.” She ran ahead before turning around to call over her shoulder, “A girl.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I just settled for a quick nod that seemed to satisfy her as she returned her attention to the snakes around us. When she yelled, “It’s snowing!” and began catching the stray flakes on her tongue, I knew I was off the hook. At least for now.
Ben bent his head, bringing it close to my ear. “What was that all about?”
I shook my head. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
He didn’t press the issue, and we moved on, following behind Elle as she weaved her way through the first the reptile house, before moving on to the rain forest a short time later.
It didn’t escape my notice that Ben and I walked together, side-by-side, and I also acknowledged his hand was on my lower back for much of the trip. I was too weak-willed to step away, and despite the chill in the air, not strong enough to cuddle closer. It was limbo, a different kind of torture. I wanted him, but I was afraid of wanting him. I was already growing closer to Elle than was probably wise, and I was destined for a double dose of heartbreak if and when Ben found himself in a relationship. If Elle had a new mother figure, she likely wouldn’t need a nanny, and I couldn’t imagine the torture of remaining in the Imperial and watching him with another woman.
Things were already a tangled mess, and making some kind of play for Ben would add more knots to the snarl. No matter how hard it was to hold myself back, to deny myself what I wanted, I had to—even though I was becoming more and more certain Ben wanted me as well. Even if he were attracted to me, I wasn’t naïve enough to think that it would last. Men like him grow bored with inexperienced virgins like me and would quickly move on, but it’s not like I would be able to do the same. I liked Ben a lot, and allowing the strong twinge in my core to persuade me into sleeping with him would just be crazy. I couldn’t risk this becoming something that I couldn’t stand to lose.
Don’t get crazy, Lindsay. I was still repeating that mantra in my head when Ben’s arm curved around my shoulder in what seemed to be an unconscious act. Absolutely sensible, I reminded myself as I snuggled closer.
When we stopped for hot chocolate, and his arm was still around me, I knew I was in dangerous territory.
Chapter 9
Ben
Things had been awkward with Lindsay ever since our almost-kiss at the zoo. Even days later she was shying away from me—maybe because I’d made an effort
to steer clear of her too. The temptation was strong. It was worrisome enough to keep me from seeing her, at least for now.
If that weren’t bad enough, Elle’s guidance counselor called to set up a meeting. Lindsay took the message and passed it on to me here at the office. Margot agreed to stay late to watch my daughter, and Lindsay agreed to come with me.
It was just about time to pick up Lindsay at the apartment and I tossed a few things in my briefcase before heading out. Hector waited with the car, and I slid inside the back. I drummed my fingers on my case as we made our way home. I buzzed Lindsay a few minutes before arrival, and she was waiting for me when the car drew up. She’d been laughing at something Bill had said, and the sight of her made me catch my breath.
She was so fucking beautiful. She radiated innocence and sweetness—all the things Ashe wasn’t. At least she had never been those things when I’d known her, though she must have been at some point, I suppose. In the early days, she’d been good at hiding her addiction. The long hours I worked to build the company and elevate our lifestyle had helped her hide it as well. I knew she drank too much alcohol, but the heroin addiction blindsided me.
Lindsay could blindside me if I wasn’t careful. Not by being a closeted addict, of course, but she could knock me off my feet without even trying. I was already feeling more for her than I wanted to… something beyond attraction. I liked her, and I wanted to spend more time with her. That was a red flag. I had to withdraw from her as much as possible.
Which didn’t explain why I scooted a bit closer to her when she took a seat beside me in the limo. My determination to pull away should have kept me from asking about her day and chatting like old friends, though with a little lingering awkwardness, as we drove to the school. Awkwardness wasn’t the right word, I decided, as we pulled up to the wrought iron gates that were closed this time of day.
As Hector communicated for entry, I tried to pinpoint the right description.
Awareness.
Yes, that was it. We both knew it, and we couldn’t hide it. We could avoid discussing it, but that didn’t make either of us any less aware of the other’s desire.
Hector stopped in front of the school a moment later, and we slid out as soon as he’d opened the door. I caught a whiff of her hair, and it made me giddy. It was citrusy and something else. I wanted to wrap a tawny strand around my hand and drag it to my nose, but that would be strange, and I wasn’t so far gone yet that I couldn’t control my impulses.
Or most of them. I couldn’t resist resting a hand on her lower back. She stiffened for a second, but didn’t move away.
Mrs. Anderson waited for us in the lobby. She strode forward on overly high Prada heels, wearing a crimson power suit. My first impression of her was one of aloofness, and I wondered how she got the school kids to confide in her.
Her warm smile and friendly greeting quickly dispelled the first impression, and she led us to a conference room. I sat down and was strangely reassured by Lindsay’s presence beside me. She clutched the arms of her chair, and I realized she was as on-edge as I was. We were both anxious to discover the reason for the meeting.
Mrs. Anderson got right to it. “Elle hid in the janitor’s closet this afternoon instead of attending class.”
I blinked. “What? She played hooky?”
“But she’s only seven,” added Lindsay, looking as puzzled as me.
The counselor nodded. “She said she had a stomach ache, but when I asked why she didn’t go to the nurse, she didn’t really explain. After some discussion, she finally told me her stomach hurt because she was afraid.”
Anger sizzled along my nerve endings. “Why was she frightened? Is someone bullying her?” I would squash that little—
The woman hesitated for a second. “No. She’s afraid of losing someone she loves. I gather there was a recent divorce?”
I nodded, feeling defensive. “I tried to make it as smooth as possible for her, but there was a drawn-out custody battle.”
She nodded. “I understand, Mr. Hudson. She’s just expressed concern that Lindsay will leave her too. She needs your ex-wife to assure her that won’t happen.”
I frowned. “My ex-wife’s name is Ashe, and she can’t be bothered to keep her visitation appointments, so I’m afraid she won’t be reassuring Elle of anything.”
“I’m Lindsay,” Lindsay said, sounding bewildered.
The counselor’s eyes widened. “Is your relationship with Mr. Hudson new? It could be a source of distress, especially if she thinks her new mother-figure will disappear as abruptly as her mother did.”
“I’m the nanny.” The words were shaky, and she blushed as she glanced briefly at me without maintaining eye contact. “That’s all.”
“Oh.” Mrs. Anderson seemed at a loss for words for a long moment. “I suppose we all just have to be understanding and go at her pace.”
“I thought we were making progress,” said Lindsay. “She’s been more engaged and happier, except today. She was withdrawn when she came home.”
“She’s probably afraid to trust that you’ll be there, Lindsay. Her anxiety makes more sense in the light that you’re an employee. She probably recognizes employees can leave much easier than mothers or stepmoms.”
Lindsay looked stricken, and I reached over to pry one of her hands from the chair almost without thought. Cradling it in mine, I said, “This isn’t your fault, Lindsay. She’s confused and scared to lose you.”
She nodded, but still looked upset. “I feel like I’ve made things worse for her instead of better.”
“No.” I couldn’t let her think that. “In spite of today’s backslide, she’s been much better. There are fewer tantrums and a lot more smiles.”
“She still acts like a little adult though.”
Mrs. Anderson spoke again. “All that both of you can do is continue to encourage her to engage in age-appropriate activities without pushing her. When she’s ready, she’ll let go of the need to control everything and in time, she’ll allow herself to be a child again.”
Lindsay looked doubtful, but nodded.
Shortly after, the meeting was over, and we walked to the limo in silence. Hector waited with the door open, and she slid in first. I followed, sitting on the same seat, but not as close this time. “Let’s get a drink and talk this over.”
Lindsay frowned. “We should probably get home to Elle.”
“An hour more won’t hurt,” I said. “We need a strategy.”
With a little sigh, she nodded. “All right.”
* * *
Almost two hours, three drinks, and one phone call from Margot announcing Elle was fast asleep, we headed back to the apartment. We were no closer to figuring out the best way to help Elle, but at least we weren’t awkward now.
Awkwardness became awareness. Lust had kindled from a spark to a raging fire, and I was certain she felt it as intensely as I did. It was a bad idea to indulge in it, but I couldn’t seem to resist adding kindling to the fire as I slid first from the limo before offering her a hand out. She took it, and I kept her hand in mine as we walked toward the building. When she trembled, I asked, “Cold?” If she was like me, she was burning up with desire.
She just shrugged as I led her into the building from the back entrance.
She looked around with a frown. “What are we doing?”
“There’s a party going on in the penthouse, so the front entrance will be packed. I had the driver bring us here instead.”
I took her to the elevator on this side of the building. “This will be faster.” She didn’t pull her hand from mine until we stood in the elevator, and the doors closed behind us. I stood behind her, but off to her side, eyeing her in the mirrored walls. She shouldn’t be so irresistible in the sweater dress and tights, but it was a struggle not to reach out to slide the shoulder down where it hung precariously on her left side.
I couldn’t resist moving behind her. Her shoulders still beckoned, and I lifted my hands. I tried to
hold out for another second, but lost the willpower to do so. I cradled her shoulders in my hands and was almost embarrassed by how much pleasure I took from such a simple touch. I bent my head to hide from my own reflection for a moment and inhaled a lungful of her crisp scent. “Why do you always smell like sunshine?”
She giggled, and it was an anxious sound. “I didn’t know that I did. I’m not even sure what sunshine smells like, Ben.”
“Like citrus and happiness and innocence.” I pressed closer to her, and my cock responded, hardening against her soft body. There was no way she could miss the bulge pressing into her backside.
I pushed back her hair as she trembled, sweeping my lips across her neck before moving my mouth to her ear. “Are you very innocent, Lindsay?” Her only answer was a whimper as I nibbled down the side of her neck, as though I could devour her essence. “Are you?” I asked the question more sternly, refusing to allow her to evade answering. I had to know. I wanted to pretend to myself it was because I’d do the right thing if she was a virgin, but I knew I was lying.
I groaned when she angled her hand to touch my hip. Her hand was so tantalizingly close to my shaft, but still so far away.
“Yes.” Lindsay practically exhaled the word.
I stiffened for a moment as her words confirmed what I had expected. She was too young and inexperienced for what I wanted to do to her. She didn’t know how to guard her heart. I had no right to want to be the one to ruin her, but damned if I didn’t want that more than anything. “Fuck, that makes me hot. I should do the right thing and push you away, and we should both pretend this isn’t happening.”
She whimpered and shifted in my arms.
“That’s what I should do, but unless you tell me that’s what you want, I can’t.” I spun her in my arms, no longer content to look at her through the mirrors on the wall. I needed to see her gaze connect with mine.
There was shyness there, along with more than a hint of bravado. I think she was trying to look confident, but she still seemed unsure. “Is that what you want, baby? Do you want me to take you to my huge, empty bed, where I can make you feel good?” I bent my head to bring my lips close to hers, but didn’t kiss her. Yet. “Do you want me to sink inside you and shatter that innocence, or should I send you to your own empty bed without me?”
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