Humpty Bumpkin

by Sam Cheever

  I vaguely remembered that she and her husband had a large parcel of farmland about ten miles outside of Deer Hollow. They’d been good customers of my dad’s auction.

  I accepted a hug and Caphy was instructed to sit and give Edith her paw before she received a handful of plump, sweet blueberries. “The last time I saw this sweet girl she was small enough to fit into a shoe box.” Edith scratched my dog under the chin, earning herself a squinty-eyed look of pleasure from the pibl.

  I laughed. “I doubt she could fit her head into a shoe box now.”

  Edith cupped the aforementioned head between her hands and grinned at my dog. Caphy grinned back, her wide, pink tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. “She’s adorable.” Then she spotted the wound on Caphy’s shoulder and winced. “Coyote?”

  “Yeah. How’d you know?”

  “Our Bear was bitten a few times. Nasty creatures. But I understand they’re just trying to survive.” Shaking her head, she stood with a groan. “Don’t let anybody ever tell you it’s easy to get old, honey. Basically, it sucks.”

  “Beats the alternative,” I told her with a grin.

  “Says a child of not even thirty,” she responded with a sparkle in her brown eye. “What happened there, Joey?” She pointed to her own throat and I flushed. I’d tried to cover the bruising with makeup but apparently I hadn’t done a good enough job.

  “Oh, well, you know how clumsy I am. I tripped over Caphy and...” I shrugged, leaving the rest to her imagination.

  She patted my arm and glanced at Hal again, clearly looking for an introduction.

  “Edith this is Hal Amity. He’s visiting from Indy.”

  “Indy, huh? What brings you down this way, Hal Amity?” She scanned an assessing look over him, no doubt trying to figure out if we were sleeping together yet.

  Despite the fact that city folks tended to believe country folk were backward and shy about sex, it just wasn’t the truth. Country dwellers grew up watching special animal activities in the barnyard and discussing which livestock should be bred with which so that we actually had a very down-to-earth view of the act itself. Religious scruples aside.

  In my case, I happened to know that, at the last town fair there’d been an underground pool over when I was finally going to get a boyfriend. I didn’t know how far out the pool had gone, but I was pretty sure the weakest among the contestants had already been punted to the curb. Knowing Edith, she was probably still in the running.

  “He’s here to help me figure out why somebody was murdered on my land.”

  Edith thought about that for a moment and then sighed. “I’m sure it had nothing to do with them, honey.”

  She meant my parents. I shrugged. “I’ll feel better when I know that for sure.”

  She nodded. “Now what can I sell you? I have some really delicious sweet corn from Florida.”

  Hal frowned. “Florida? Why not local.”

  “Oh, we haven’t picked ours yet. It will be a few months yet.”

  I nodded. “I’ll take six ears please.” I glanced at Hal as Edith was bagging up the corn for me. He inclined his head to let me know I should take the lead. “And speaking of what happened in my woods...”

  Edith clucked her tongue. “The body in the chipper.” She handed me the bag of corn. “Sounds like the title of a murder mystery doesn’t it?”

  I nodded. “When Hal told me he was here this morning...”

  Edith turned a surprised look on my PI. “You were here? What time?”

  “Around six. There was a young girl here at the time.”

  Edith nodded. “My granddaughter. She goes in to work at nine so she fills in early mornings for me.”

  He nodded. “I see the resemblance.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment,” Edith said, beaming.

  I’d seen Lori Pickering and Edith should definitely take it as a compliment. The girl was gorgeous. “I didn’t realize she was still here in Deer Hollow. I figured she’d have moved to Indianapolis by now.”

  “Or Chicago,” Edith said, nodding. “She’d planned on going to Northwestern when she graduated last fall, but then her mom got sick and she just kind of gave up on that idea.”

  “Lilly’s sick? I’m so sorry to hear that.” In that moment I understood how far I’d let myself grow away from my community after my parents died. I needed to fix that. I’d always cherished the people in Deer Hollow and, unlike Lori Pickering, I had no desire to move away from them.

  Even emotionally. “Please let me know if I can help.”

  Edith patted my hand. “Thanks, honey.”

  “How early does the stand open in the mornings,” Hal asked.

  “Five thirty or six. Whenever we can make it out here and get it stocked up. We try to catch the people traveling to the bigger towns for work.” She frowned. “Why do you ask?”

  “We were wondering if maybe you’d seen someone loading or unloading an ATV the other morning.”

  “The day we found the body,” I added helpfully.

  Edith paled. “Oh my, was that around here?”

  I pointed into the woods. “Not far at all. We think they went into the woods about an eighth of a mile down the road.”

  She stared in the direction I pointed and clucked her tongue. “Dang rascals. I just can’t believe it...in our lazy little town.”

  “So, you didn’t see anything?”

  “No. But like I said, Lori would have probably been here then.”

  “Have you seen anybody pulling a chipper around?” Hal asked.

  “No. Sorry. Except for Buck, of course.”

  Hal skimmed me a look before returning his attention to Edith. “Buck Mitzner?”

  Her mouth tightened in the usual reaction to hearing Buck’s name. “He’s always pulling those things around. They rent them out, you know.”

  “We did know that,” I told her. “When you saw him was he hauling it toward Mitzner’s or away?”

  She pointed south of Deer Hollow. “He was going that way, toward his place.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Buck Mitzner was in the back lot, showing some mature trees to a couple who I thought might have just moved into the new subdivision on the edge of town. Ever since the developer bought the huge tract of farmland and started building on it, my peaceful little town had begun to change. Some of the changes, like new stores and restaurants springing up in Deer Hollow and the surrounding countryside, were welcome. But having a bunch of strangers move into town was disconcerting. And I was having trouble adjusting to it.

  “Joey!!!”

  The high-pitched voice came from behind me and I spun, a grin already finding my face as I recognized the tall, auburn-haired beauty hurrying my way. She held out her arms as she all but ran my way, only the spindly heels of her unsuitable shoes keeping her from an all-out run.

  I opened my own arms and accepted the hug she offered. “Lis! I didn’t know you were in town,” I told my best friend from grade school on. “Why didn’t you call?”

  Lis Villa shook her head, giving me her trademark, “don’t be stupid” look. “I’ve been calling. You never answer your phone.”

  I flushed with embarrassment. “That’s not possible. I know your number. I would have answered.”

  “Except I have a new number now, Jo Jo.” She expelled a disgusted breath. “Why are you screening your calls anyway?”

  I skimmed Hal a quick look, unwilling to talk about the harassment I’d suffered after my parents died. Instead, I shook my head. “I have my reasons.” I hugged her again, so happy to see her. “It’s been way too long. Are you here to stay for a while?”

  Lis, short for Melissa, because...Melissa Villa...gave me a pout. “Unfortunately, not. I’m only here a couple of nights. I have a shoot in Guadalajara on Friday.”

  “Guadalajara?” I gave her a fake grimace. “That’s really too bad. You must hate it.”

  She laughed and ruffled my hair like she’d done since we were in first grade
together. It had annoyed the heck out of me then and it hadn’t gotten any easier to take over the years. I smoothed a hand over my messy red-blonde locks. Lis gave my PI a meaningful glance and he offered his hand, the interest on his face obvious. “Hal Amity. I’m helping Joey with a...personal matter.”

  There was no missing the answering interest in my old friend’s perfect face. “Personal, huh?”

  Hal flushed slightly. To my vast surprise, annoyance surged as the two clasped hands, their perfect bodies bending toward each other in a seemingly subconscious way. “This is my oldest and dearest friend,” I told Hal. I promise, my emphasis on the word “oldest” was unintentional. But it was heartfelt. “We’ve known each other since grade school.”

  Lis narrowed her dark blue eyes at me. “I’m only four months older than you, Joey. You need to get over it.” Hal and Lis grinned at each other, their gazes locked on and zeroed out.

  I’d been forgotten.

  I squelched a sigh. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t used to being overshadowed by my best friend. She was absolutely gorgeous. And she was one of the nicest people I knew too. She basically had everything. Especially now. Since she’d become one of the world’s most famous fashion models.

  “So...” I squeaked out, clearing my throat to remove the traitorous frog. “What brings you to Deer Hollow?”

  For a moment I didn’t think she was going to drag her gaze from Hal. But she finally skimmed a look my way, grimacing. “I have an appointment with Heather Masterson.”

  “The artist?” Hal looked suitably impressed. “She lives here?”

  “She does,” I told him. “Remember when we were discussing the fact that Deer Hollow is home to several artists?”

  He barely glanced my way before returning his full attention to Lis. “I saw her work in a gallery in Indy. It’s impressive.”

  I crossed my arms crankily over my chest, which wasn’t nearly as big or firm as Lis’, “If you like strangely dressed people with big feet.” I shrugged. “I guess.”

  I was actually overstating the issue. Heather Masterson had hit it big not all that long ago because her portraits were so unique. She painted people into nature, wearing twigs and stuff, and she always over-emphasized their feet and hands. For whatever reason.

  I’d never actually met the woman. But I’d heard she was very strange.

  Lis threw me a grin. “I hate that I have to do this. I think her portraits are ugly. But my agent is insisting.” She sighed and then brightened. “Hey! You want to come with me?”

  “Oh. I don’t know.”

  “Come on, Jo Jo. It’ll be fun.”

  “You should go,” Hal said.

  “But...Is it safe?”

  Before he could respond, Lis laughed. “I doubt she’ll stab you with a paint brush while we’re there.”

  Heat flared in my cheeks. I didn’t want to tell my friend about the body in the wood chipper or the attack from the night before. I hadn’t seen her in years and I didn’t want to spend the time together talking about terrible things. So, I forced a laugh and nodded. “I’d love to come. When are you going up there?”

  “Eight o’clock in the morning?” She lifted a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and I knew she was remembering the old, spoiled me who’d slept until nearly ten o’clock every morning.

  “Great. I’ll be ready.”

  “We’ll pick you up,” Hal interjected and I blinked, looking at him in surprise. “You don’t mind if I come, do you? I’d love to meet Ms. Masterson.”

  Lis squealed and gabbled on for minutes on end about how much she didn’t mind. Until I wanted to hork all over her shoes.

  Hal couldn’t stop smiling.

  And me? I was less enthusiastic at the idea of my PI spending the day drooling over my best friend. But hey, who was I to squash a budding romance?

  Lis left us a few minutes later, after Hal loaded a flowering bush into the back of her car. For her mother, she explained happily. Mrs. Villa would love it.

  Waving as she drove out of the lot, I started toward the main building, leaving Hal to catch up. He reached for the door as we arrived and I shoved past, yanking it open myself. I could almost feel his confusion at my cold, angry mood but I was the last person who could explain it to him.

  I had no idea myself why I was so mad.

  Fortunately, Buck Mitzner was behind the counter when I walked into the cool dimness of the store. I squared my shoulders and headed right for him, glad to have somebody to beat up on. “Mr. Mitzner,” I said in a firm, hostile tone. “I have some more questions for you.”

  He looked up and blinked in surprise, looking past me as Hal approached. “You two again? Why are you harassing me?”

  Before Hal could respond I launched a direct hit. “Maybe if you hadn’t lied to us we wouldn’t have to bother you again.”

  Buck’s face turned an unattractive shade of red. “I don’t think you meant to call me a liar, Joey Fulle.”

  “I think I did. When we asked you about the chipper you pretended it had been stolen. Why didn’t you tell us it was at your house?”

  Buck’s chins wobbled as outrage overtook him. He lifted a hand and stabbed a finger at me, mere inches from my chest. “You’d better learn some manners, girl.”

  I slapped the hand away and Buck’s face flashed purple before he pulled himself upright and started around the counter.

  Hal moved smoothly between us. “Mr. Mitzner. What Joey means to say is that we have an eye-witness who saw you pulling the chipper out of town the night before it was found on Joey’s property. Can you tell us where you were taking it?”

  Buck stared at me for a long moment, his chest heaving with rage. Then, to my surprise, he looked away and pulled in a long breath. He walked back around the counter and picked up a pile of receipts. “I have nothing to say to you. Get out of my store.”

  “Okay. No problem, Mr. Mitzner.”

  I gave Hal wide eyes and opened my mouth to argue, but his next statement made me snap it shut again. “I guess we’ll just go to the police with our new information then. Have a nice day.” He wrapped a hand around my arm and tugged me gently toward the door. We were outside, standing in the pleasant shade of the porch roof when Mitzner came through the door.

  Hal kept a restraining hand on me as we started toward his car in the lot.

  “Hold on,” Buck growled.

  Hal kept walking.

  Mitzner swore and I smiled. “I said hold on!”

  Hal took a couple more steps before stopping and I thought Mitzner was going to explode. Even with my back to him, I could feel the vibrations in the force.

  We turned slowly and Hal gave him a serene smile. “Was there something you wanted to tell us, Mr. Mitzner?”

  Mitzner’s hands were folded into fists at his side and he fairly vibrated with rage. But I felt no pity for him. He was a jerk. And things could have gone very differently if he hadn’t been so nasty to us.

  I conveniently squashed the knowledge that I probably hadn’t helped his attitude by charging at him like a bull.

  “It was at my house.”

  For a beat I was confused. Then I caught up and sucked air. Was Buck admitting to chipping the body in my woods?

  Hal frowned. “The chipper was at your house?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  Buck’s face was purple with rage. I vaguely wondered if he was going to stroke out on us.

  “How did it get into my woods?” I asked him.

  Buck seemed to deflate a little. Some of the angry color left his face and when he spoke, it was with an almost pleading quality. “I don’t know how it got there. You have to believe me. I brought the chipper home to clear some of the woods around my house so I could build a patio. When I went to bed it was sitting at the side of my house. And when I got up in the morning it was gone. The next thing I knew it was being reported as a murder weapon.” He shook his head, his hands flexing and unflexing at his sides. “I swear to you I had nothing t
o do with killing that guy.”

  “Guy? Do you know who it was?” Hal asked.

  Mitzner’s color flared again and his jaw tightened with belligerence. “I just told you I had nothing to do with the murder.”

  “But you said ‘that guy’ as if you knew who it was,” Hal pointed out very reasonably. “It could just as easily have been a woman.”

  Except that it probably couldn’t have been, I mused. The coroner, a.k.a. Rashton Blessed at Blessed Rest Funeral Home, might not know who was killed, but he surely could tell by the size of the bones if it was a man or a woman. But I kept my mouth shut because Hal was being smart. It seemed as if Buck was telling us the truth, but we didn’t know for sure. He could just be very good at lying.

  “I have no idea who was in that chipper,” Buck growled out. “And if I did I’d tell Arno, not you.” He nodded as if making a sudden decision. “I don’t know you, son. But I do know that you’re an outsider. You have no business sticking your nose into this thing.” He half turned and then stopped. “Tell the cops or not. I don’t really care. Arno isn’t going to like you sticking your nose into his investigation. It’s more likely that you’ll get in trouble instead of me.”

  “WE HAVE JUST ENOUGH time to talk to Lori Pickering before lunch,” I told Hal.

  He frowned briefly, his foot easing down on the brake as he made the turn into Deer Hollow. “Ah, the produce stand girl.” He nodded. “Okay. Where does she work?”

  “Brats versus Broads,” I told him.

  He gave me a blank look. “Huh?”

  “It’s a day care center at the other end of Main Street. Just keep going straight.”

  He shook his head but didn’t comment on the name. Personally, I loved it. Politically correct we were not in Deer Hollow. It was one of the things I liked best about the place.

  “How do you survive without cameras and lights all over the place?” Hal asked as we drove through the town’s only traffic light.

  “In happiness and tranquility. Besides,” I told him with a grin. “I don’t have to worry about how I look all the time. Imagine if I had to fret over a picture of me in baggy sweats, ancient black sneakers and no makeup, being sent off for all of the Sheriff’s Deputies to chuckle over.”