by KT Strange
“It was fucking amazing,” he said, and then grinned at me. “I’m glad I shared it with you though. That made it better. What were you and their tour manager talking about? You guys seemed cozy.”
“She’s the coolest,” I breathed. “I mean, I could never do what she’s doing, because it seems like… a lot of babysitting and not a lot of sleep. I’ve never met anyone in my life who just seems to know that they’re in the right place for themselves, with the right people. You know? Everyone always seems to be trying to figure out how to fit into their own skin, but she seems to have it all together.” I was a little jealous of that. I still didn’t feel like I’d really found my place in the world.
“Yeah, she and Finn make a cute couple. If I was her, dating him, I’d feel pretty fucking confident too,” he said. I blinked.
“Wait, she’s dating Charlie, isn’t she? The guitarist?”
Shawn shook his head.
“Nah, she and Finn are an item. It’s super public. He’s the lead singer-”
“Well I know who he is now, but I swear she was…” I paused and then my cheeks warmed.
“What?”
“She was half-sitting in Charlie’s lap at dinner,” I said. “He had his hand on her lower back almost the whole time.” Shawn’s mouth quirked.
“Maybe…” He lifted an eyebrow at me.
“Don’t say it.”
He laughed.
“Okay, but maybe they’re a thing. Like, the three of them.”
“I said don’t saaaaaay iiiiiiit,” I hissed at him, but I was near to laughter too. “What is this, like, when you learn a new word, and suddenly you hear it all over the place? Now that I’m in… a thing with you and Buck, I’m just going to meet loads people like that? Who have more than one partner?”
“Maybe,” Shawn said, pulling me close as more fans filtered in around us, taking up the empty space. “It might convince you that it’s all fine and normal—that the two of us can love you better together than just one of us ever could,” he was speaking into the shell of my ear, and I shivered at the heat of his breath. The house lights above us fell dark, and the crowd screamed, cheers and whistles nearly deafened me.
“Here we go,” Shawn breathed, his words vibrating through my back as I leaned against his chest.
I squinted as the stage lights came up, flashing through the crowd. Music roared to life, thrumming through my whole body and making my heart pound.
Clinging to Shawn, I breathed hard. I’d never been to a show like it before. Not one that wasn’t a $5 entry fee at the local all-age community center, with crappy bands that’d just crawled out of their parents’ basements.
The guys from Phoenixcry emerged on the stage; Finn rushed right to the front, and arms from the crowd reached up for him. He’d been nice in person, laughing and teasing his twin brother over dinner, but here he was lit up like a golden rock god.
Then it happened. He lifted the microphone to his mouth, turned his head, and sang. Something about it struck me like a physical blow—the thrill of live music performed like that, I’d never felt it before. Shawn clung to me, his hands tight on my shoulders as I braced myself. Butterflies exploded in my stomach, and I felt this rise of excitement that was almost demanding that I do something, anything.
“Holy shit,” I whispered. Phoenixcry were amazing. Maybe it’s because I’d never seen a real band performing in a real theater before. Maybe all bands would be like that—the music echoing and bouncing off the walls, the lights flaring in time with the beat—making me feel overwhelmed in the best way. But either way, it was only a few bars into the music when I was hooked on the feeling. I tugged on Shawn’s arm, and he bent down to me. “We need to do this again,” I yelled in Shawn’s ear. He laughed; I felt it more than heard it. He hugged me tight, pressing a sweet kiss to my cheek.
“Whatever you want, Mia. Anything you want,” he promised. I barely breathed through the rest of Phoenixcry’s set. Each song lifted me higher. Live music was a total drug, and I wanted as much of it as I could get. It wasn’t until we were stumbling out into the darkness of the night that I finally came back to earth.
And Shawn was waiting for me. I turned to him just as we reached the parking lot where we’d left the truck.
“Mia,” his voice sounded like he was on fire. His eyes were half-lidded, and his feelings were obviously just as intense as mine were. The music was still thudding in my veins as he reached down for me. For a moment I felt a small pang of guilt for Shiv, for not having told her before going out with Shawn… but…
Didn’t life owe me this, just this once? Some happiness? His arm curled against my back. I hesitated for a moment, then sighed, leaning into him. His lips were warm as they smoothed over mine. I didn’t know where to put my hands. Buck had long hair, and Shawn’s wasn’t quite at the length where I could curl my fingers into it…
His tongue swept over mine and pushed away the nervous thoughts crowding my brain, leaving behind only the thrumming, tingling feeling that stretched out. It filled me up from the inside.
“You’re so,” Shawn fumbled his words as he pulled back for a moment, his eyes dark in the shadows that cloaked us. “I’m not good with this stuff…” He cleared his throat. “Buck’s the one who’s all smooth words and shit. What would he say to you?”
I felt my cheeks burning.
“You want me to tell you what Buck says to me when he kisses me?” That felt so intimate. Would Buck be mad if I told?
Shawn’s eyes fluttered shut and he sighed.
“Maybe that’s stupid,” he muttered, and leaned in, kissing me again. Harder this time. He pressed me into the wall, his hip bones lifting against mine and pushing me up.
I gasped when his mouth left mine to travel down my jaw.
“He says how beautiful he thinks I am,” I blurted out. My fingers wrapped reflexively around his biceps, clamping down as the heat of his lips moved, blurring over my skin. “I… I…”
He lifted a hand, one finger dragging over my top lip.
“I think I’ve got it,” he said, his voice turning heavy. His tongue slipped out to tease the soft furl of my earlobe. “Bet that gets you so hot. Him spilling out all those pretty words, and you just soak it up, don’t you? Never had the proper attention you really deserve for a day in your life until Buck came into it.”
He rocked his hips, one slow, insistent push after another. The wave of heat that followed it had me clinging to him harder.
“We should go,” he said, words rough. “I promised your uncle I wouldn’t keep you out too late on a school night.”
He pulled away, regret on his face. From the way he hitched his jeans with one hand, I knew he was feeling just as… well, fucking flustered, turned-on, whatever, as I was. The ride back home would be long. I kind of hoped that he’d slip his fingers in between mine again, and I could steal another kiss from him before he left me at home.
He opened the door of the truck for me, giving me a hand up as I got in. When I turned to thank him, he pressed me into the seat, his shoulders coming down over mine. My emotions were raucous, my breath catching as he kissed me again like he was dying for it.
He pulled away, his eyes hectic, his hair tousled from my fingers. I realized I’d clawed at him, trying to hold him close.
“I need to get you home,” the words were pure grit and made me shiver. “Buck’ll never forgive me if I mess around on a first date like this.”
Still, I wanted him to mess around with me. Maybe lay the seat back, drape the heavy weight of him over me. The rushing need in me felt like it was too big to be contained by my own skin.
I nodded anyway, not trusting myself to speak. He gave me a wry little smile.
“You’re too good for some shitty parking lot in the city. Too good for all of us, me and Buck included,” he said. My brain stuttered to a halt.
He closed the door and came around, slipping into the driver’s seat like he hadn’t just… said that. Said it like it
was true. Like he really believed it.
I gulped back the words I wanted to say next.
That he was wrong.
That I wasn’t any good. That what we were doing was so far past the line of wrong that it made anything that anyone had said or done to me seem like child’s play by comparison. The overwhelming feeling that I was out of place and didn’t belong was constantly threatening to swallow me up.
The truck’s engine roared to life, rumbling quietly after a moment. As we pulled away from the parking lot, I got lost in worry that once what me and Shawn… and Buck, were doing together spread to Shiv and the rest of the school, that everything would end up piling on me.
Only the memory of Shawn’s lips on mine, and the heavy drag of his breath as he pulled away kept me from spiraling into a complete panic attack.
Thirteen
“We’ve missed you at cheer practice,” Shiv said a few days later, pushing her way in through our front door when I went to open it. “Hey, Coach Quinn,” she said, waving to my uncle who sat, sprawled out on the couch in front of the TV.
Even though I knew Shiv was coming over after practice, it still felt like a punch in the gut to have her here. I needed to tell her about Shawn. Buck had been the one to pick me up over the last few days since my night with Shawn at the concert. But word about the three of us was going to break like a shattered smartphone at some point.
I needed to be the one to tell her. It was twisting my gut to try and figure out the best way to do it. This was the biggest hurdle I was facing to have my chance at happiness. There was no way I was going to continue doing… whatever it was the three of us were doing, if Shiv didn’t know about it.
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to start going to practice again.”
“You’re more on and off again with the cheer team than Paige is with those fad diets she’s always trying. Not like she needs them,” Shiv said, wrinkling her nose.
“Diets? I think that’s my cue to leave you two girls to your visit,” my uncle said, getting off the couch with a smile. He retreated to his den at the back of the house, after patting me on the shoulder.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, opening the fridge. Shiv groaned and collapsed on the couch, like I wasn’t about to break her heart into a million pieces. Maybe it wouldn’t matter. She’d been feeling better. And even though she was still avoiding Shawn at school, maybe she wouldn’t hate me forever.
I’d already had enough of that for one lifetime. I’d been thinking it over a lot, how her words had cut me way deeper than I first thought. Even though I was the one in the wrong, at some point, I wanted to let her know… that her telling me that I should kill myself?
Yeah, I hadn’t forgotten that. Maybe it was being around my guys. Or maybe it was Shawn straight-up telling me that I was better than I thought I was—better than I was being treated by him, Buck, and everyone else. That was finally getting through my thick head.
I deserved better from my friends. Mostly. First, I needed to apologize to Shiv—again—and tell her what was happening. I wasn’t looking for her blessing, or anything, because that might be asking a bit much. I just wanted her to not hate me.
Shiv sighed with joy as I set down a tray of cut veggies and dip. She dug in before I could put down a plate of cold-cuts. She reached her hand down for more food. I gulped, mustering my bravery.
“I need to talk to you about something serious,” I said. Shiv blinked at me and put down a roll of salami.
“Okay.” She put her hands in her lap and sat up straight. That was it. The moment of truth. If our friendship had gone to the brink of ending before, it might all come crashing down in the next few seconds.
“Shawn and I. We went out. On a date.”
Shiv blinked again, slowly, her lips pressing together. Then she went completely still, and for a moment I thought she’d stopped breathing altogether.
She let out a long hiss of air, her gaze dropping down. That’s when I saw the wet rim of tears clinging to her lashes.
“Okay,” she said. “I… okay.”
I waited for her, not sure what I should say next. With the hard light of day shining on me, I felt like I was the bad guy. Because I was, wasn’t I? I was breaking all sorts of friend codes. She really didn’t have to understand.
“I deserve this, don’t I?” she whispered.
“What?”
She looked up at me, and a tear tracked down her cheek. She wiped at it furiously.
“Mia, what I did to you, what I said to you, about you… I know you forgave me so easily, without me even really saying I was sorry. Even if you have forgiven me… I talked to m-my cousin about it—she’s in college now, but she used to go to HRA—she was… well, she was pretty up-front with me. About what I did, what I said. That it wasn’t okay, that I’d been horrible, and you know what? She was right. I was horrible. I was worse than horrible.” Shiv swallowed so hard that she inhaled on a squeak. We both made grimacing half-smiles.
Her confession wasn’t what I’d expected. I’d planned on her screaming at me. Shiv, sitting there, quiet, in shaky tears that continued to drip, drip, drip down her face. Well, that was pretty much the exact opposite of what I’d envisioned.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” I promised. “I’m not.” She nodded.
“So, he has feelings for you?” Her fingers went to her mouth, lips trembling. “So, like, feelings-feelings, not just… it’s not just… but what about Buck?” She sat up so suddenly that it startled me.
“I… I, uh, he’s… okay with it,” I said. She stared at me, blinking furiously to get rid of her tears.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to hurt you, but-”
“No, Mia, stop, please,” she said, looking down at her hands in her lap. “This hurts. Like, wow, it hurts so much right now. Shawn was everything to me, but… I mean, it’s not your fault. God, he’s an ass. Are you really sure you want to date him? Like, he’s an ass.” She lifted her gaze to mine. I could see the pain in her eyes; it was clear how much her heart was ripping out of her. She wasn’t even blaming me, but I was at fault too.
Was it worth it? Trying something with Shawn? Even if it caused Shiv to suffer?
“He just seems really confused,” I said after a moment. Shiv smiled, as if it hurt her to do it, but she did it anyway.
“He’s like that. Things are… not easy for him. At home, or anywhere else, really. On the field is the only place he seems to know what he should be doing. And then, with me…” she trailed off and shook her head. “I can’t talk about this.”
“Shiv, I’m sorry-”
“Mia, stop.” She inhaled, the sound ragged. “God, I’m hungry.” She grabbed a handful of meat and shoved it into her mouth, chewing furiously. I stared at her for several moments as she chewed hard and swallowed harder, then went back for more cold-cuts.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” she said, “but that’s okay.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” I pointed out.
“It doesn’t have to,” she said, picking up the veggie platter. “You know what? I think I’m going to eat all of this. I hope you don’t mind. I know I was a massive bitch to you, but right now, I need to eat all of this food. And you can’t have any of it.”
I couldn’t help it—I smiled, just a little bit. She smiled back at me; and even though she was hurting, there was still some genuine affection in her eyes.
“I really hate you right now,” she whispered softly, speaking more to the cut broccoli than to me. “But… it’ll be okay. Right? We’ve gotten through so much together already. We can get through this too.”
I wanted badly to believe her. I needed her friendship almost more than anything.
“You can hate me all you need to,” I said. She sighed.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Mia, you’re such a willing martyr.” She wiped at her face again, smoothing out the tear tracks. “Do you have an
y cake?”
Fourteen
My phone lit up, buzzing noisily on the arm of the chair I was curled up in, interrupting the quiet calm of the library’s back corner. I reached for it, fingers fumbling as it slipped off the padded fabric, hitting the floor. As I grabbed it, my stomach dropped, seeing a series of texts from a number I didn’t recognize. The most recent one?
U did this, thot.
The insult slid right off of me; it was like boring couch upholstery in a medical waiting room—better off ignored. Did they really think that after everything I’d been through, calling me a trashy whore would even matter?
A video popped up, the cover shot of two figures was blurry. I realized with a sinking feeling that one of them was Shawn, the other… Garrett?
The video auto-played as soon as I unlocked my phone, just in time for Garrett to haul back, punching his twin brother right in the face.
I stumbled to my feet, grabbed my bag, and ran. I knew the location. The guys were fighting right outside the cafeteria.
My heart banged in my ears as I bolted down the corridors, my backpack swinging from my shoulder. What the hell could make the two brothers fight like that? Full-out panic was setting in. I knew it had to do with me. How could it be anything else? Garrett and Shawn never fought. It wasn’t me being arrogant or anything.
The noise of the fight reached me before the sight of it did, and I pushed through the crowd of students all hovering around the doors to the outside lawn.
“Hey, fuck, hey!” Buck’s voice rang out, and I shoved between two students to the front just in time to see him wrap an arm around Shawn’s midsection and haul his friend back. Garrett stood with his hands fisted, his arms limp at his sides. He had a cut on his eyebrow, the blood leaking down his temple. His eyes were furious as he glared at his twin.
Shawn’s chest heaved and he fought Buck’s grip.
“Leggo,” he said, “he’s gotta pay for what he said-”
