Bittersweet Moments

by Bowie, Emily

I love the way he perks up, hungry for any information I give him about our son. This is how it should have been right from the start.

  “First off, it’s a car bed. What little boy doesn’t love cars? And his favorite color is blue.” I stare at it, amazed that he did this. “How did you get it so fast?”

  He just shrugs like it was nothing. “I bought it online yesterday and paid for it to be shipped priority. It arrived this morning.”

  “That is very thoughtful of you.” Why does Brax have to be so darn charming and perfect? I can feel myself falling down this rabbit hole faster than I would like.

  “Why don’t you come back with me tomorrow, to meet him?” I venture to ask. We haven’t talked about when I would leave yet, but he had to have known I can’t stay forever.

  “I would love that.” He moves toward me, placing a kiss on my cheek before going into the kitchen.

  “Want coffee?” he asks, not looking over his shoulder. I watch as he begins pouring me a cup before I even answer.

  I chuckle to myself. Brax the man who has so many emotions like a rainbow still pretends to be that stereotypically manly man who lets everything roll off him like it is nothing.

  “Yeah, I’d love a cup.” I let it slide, not wanting to rock the boat by teasing him. The smile on my face grows bigger, and I’d be lying if I wasn’t excited to see how today goes.

  CHAPTER 22

  The way he keeps looking at me over the rim of his coffee mug causes me to flush. The last man to look at me like this was him. I forgot how intense he could be.

  “Looks like your foot is better for chores,” he states teasingly.

  I end up choking on my hot coffee to keep it from being sprayed right in his face. Clearing my voice, I point to my foot while giving him my “I don’t think so” look.

  “You’ll be fine. I promise.” He gives me a wink, and I realize any argument is useless. When he sees I have decided not to make this a bigger deal than it is, he points to a pile of clothing on his counter.

  “Shay dropped off those for you. She wasn’t sure if you brought anything with you.”

  “She’s still the sweet fixer of this family, huh?” It’s a rhetorical question. I think back to when she and I were close. She was always trying to make everyone happy, even if it meant she wasn’t. She cared more about other people, and that is what made her happy.

  “You know how she is.” The air is lighter around us today; there is no awkward tension. I feel like I can tease him like I used to. Now I’m sad that I didn’t jump on the teasing wagon earlier, but maybe that would have taken it too far.

  He brings me the small pile of clothes and I hold them tight to my chest as I turn to hobble back to my room.

  It’s only when I have it all sprawled on the bed that I laugh out loud at what Shay has done. My loving college roommate saved a couple of our bar hopping outfits and seems to be passing them on to me. I bite down on my lower lip, deciding on what to do.

  Picking up each shirt, it is either entirely backless or a cropped tube top, both dark green camo print. The pants, from what I can remember, fit us like a second skin. Oh my. I think I’m going to kill her.

  I stand, staring at the outfits. Wearing the same clothes three days in a row isn’t that bad, is it?

  Picking up the longest of the tops, its back open in a crisscross, exposing most of my skin. It’s not horrible. But I don’t even want to try to fit back into those pants lying on my bed. I’m okay with wearing the same jeans. We all have to make sacrifices, and this will be mine.

  “You okay in there?” Brax knocks.

  “Yeah, just peachy,” I answer. Shay should know better. I’m always up for a good prank, and she is now on my hit list.

  I open the door, and he’s still standing there. “All ready.” I smile at him, pretending like this is my everyday look.

  He looks me up and down and smiles. “Now I know why Shay is my favorite sister.” He chuckles.

  “She’s a dead sister is what she is.” I roll my eyes, shaking my head at the Steele family in general.

  “Oh, stop pouting and come on.” He takes my hand, and I can’t help but let the warmth of him sink into my body. I love that he holds my hand.

  Walking with him, I try to hide my limp the best I can, but it’s impossible. I stay a step behind him, even with him slowing for me, until he picks me up like I weigh nothing at all.

  “You don’t need to carry me everywhere.” I laugh, actually enjoying it. He makes me feel like he cares. I dreaded how he was going to react to the fact that I hid our son from him, but he seems to be willing to make an effort.

  “I do if I want to get anywhere today.”

  He steps outside, placing me on a wooden chair by his door. “What’s the plan?” I ask, mildly curious. He turns his back to me before handing me what looks like a plastic gun. Eyeing it and him, I can’t help but to ask, “What is this?”

  “A salt gun.” He nods, looking pleased with himself.

  “Okay,” I say slowly, feeling like I may have missed something.

  “Just thought, since you can’t walk too much, we could sit out here and enjoy our coffee while you shoot some flies.”

  “Flies,” I repeat back, looking at him uncertainly.

  He points a finger at me playfully. “Mock it now, but it gets addictive. You wait and see.”

  I watch as he leans toward a small flowering potted plant on his front porch and takes aim. A puff sound escapes, and a small fly lies unmoving on the ground. Looks pretty easy. He hands me the gun, and I look around for another fly to set my sights on.

  Seeing a fly land on my chair’s armrest beside Brax’s jeaned leg, I decide to give it a try. Not really aiming, I press the button that I guess would be considered the trigger and see what happens. The fly flutters away unharmed while Brax curses, jumping up and down on one leg. “Raya, it’s a gun, for goodness sake.” Tension is plastered on his face as he tries to ignore it, rubbing his leg.

  “Shit, sorry.” I try to stand up, but he pushes me back down. “It’s okay,” he forces out. “It’s only salt. Just feels like a rubber band was shot at my thigh.” By the way his face is red and twisted, I would say it must’ve hurt more than that. Oops?

  He nods at me, his eyes frowning with a forced smile full of teeth on his face. “Next time, be careful. I know you’re a city girl, but out here in the country, you got to aim properly,” he teasingly scolds me.

  “You probably shouldn’t put a gun in a city girl’s hands. I feel like this would eliminate a lot of your distress.” I feel bad about missing and hitting him, but he was the one to give me the gun. “But I can do better. I just need a good teacher,” I try to flirt, batting my eyelashes at him. It’s been so long since I’ve flirted it sounds foreign to my own ears. What I want is for Brax to wrap his arms around me, helping me aim at something.

  “Good thing you’re here. I’m the best salt gun shooter in all of Texas.” He winks at me.

  He sits on the armrest, placing his hands on top of mine around the gun. I watch as a fly lands on the railing to the side of me. Brax helps me line up the shot then presses on my fingers so that we both pull the trigger down. A little poof sound comes out with what can only be considered a little dust ball. The fly falls down to the floor.

  “We got him,” I say in astonishment. I never thought this could be so fun. I now understand why he told me this could be addictive.

  “I told you, you’d like this.” We share a smile that is so natural. It reminds me of everything I gave up. I can’t help but feel confused about why I made such a harsh decision so quickly. Maybe if I had gone to Brax in the first place, we could have figured a way around my father. Is it possible I over-exaggerated everything in my own head, because I was scared of Brax’s reaction?

  I try to push down these thoughts. What is done is done. I can’t erase the past; I just need to keep going forward, making the right choices for us.

  “Is this the chores you talked about
?” I spy another fly and begin to take aim, loving how Brax has not moved from my side. He lets me try to aim by myself, and there is a small part of me that would’ve liked him to keep his hold around me.

  He lets out a deep chuckle that makes my thighs clench, remembering what he can do with that mouth of his. “No. This is just the morning coffee ritual for me.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but I know better. This is Brax’s way of opening up to me, showing me what a regular day is for him, and maybe one day for me.

  Butterflies flutter in my stomach as I think about Brax and me being a family here at the ranch, causing me to lose focus, and the fly moves out of my sights, not allowing me to take the chance to shoot it.

  “You missed.” His lips nuzzle my earlobe as his sexy voice rings through me.

  “Then stop distracting me.” I look up at him. He looks happy with that glimmer in his eyes. I know I must be looking the same way. My face hurts, because I’ve been smiling so big. Last time I was this happy was when I was here with him before.

  He takes the gun from me so I can take a sip of my now lukewarm coffee. I watch how graceful he is as he lines up his shot and a fly drops off a flowerpot.

  Brax has the ability to take everything from me, and the thought of letting him in is petrifying.

  CHAPTER 23

  Raya has this look on her face as she finishes her coffee, like she’s trying to sort everything out in her head. I’m scared that if I give her too much time to think, she will leave. We need more time together. I feel like if I get more time with her, I can get a better understanding of the decisions she chose.

  I’m still having a hard time believing she would hide our own child from me. The Raya I knew would never do that. The Raya in front of me has changed, but not enough to do that. Yet, we are here, evidence that she did.

  Standing up, I toss her a light zip-up hoody that will cover her torso. “I figured you may not want animals rubbing against ya,” I tell her. As much as I would love to see her half naked, I know she wouldn’t be comfortable.

  She pulls on my sweater, and damn if she doesn’t look sexy in it. Maybe Shay had the right idea here to help a brother out.

  “Looks good on you,” I compliment. She gives me an unsure look before standing up. “Come on.” I go toward my stairs and step down. “Hop on.” I motion for her to jump onto my back.

  “You’re not giving me a piggyback ride.” She sounds horrified at the idea, making me laugh. I haven’t laughed this much in years.

  “Stop being so damn stubborn. We can get there faster, and you shouldn’t be walking that far anyway.” I bend my knees, crouching down for her to get on.

  She stands there biting on the tip of her thumb.

  “Come on, I’ll only bite if you ask,” I tease her, wanting us to stay in the easy banter we started last night.

  Her face is comical in not wanting to, but she takes a step closer. I watch as she must come to a decision. That thumb leaves the plump bottom lip of hers and she wraps her arms around my neck.

  Holding onto her legs, I keep her tight against me. It takes everything in me to not turn around and take her to my bed. I’ve never had sex in my bed in my house before. I typically find someplace in the house to do it or go to their house. Something about a bed is personal to me. Sex hasn’t been about intimacy for me in much too long.

  But Raya has a way about her that gets my active imagination going, and right now, I want her in my bed. Trying to banish those thoughts, I try my luck with Raya opening up more to me.

  “If Madden came here, what would be the one thing he likes best?” I ask Raya, still trying to learn about my son.

  I feel her body freeze then slowly relax as she thinks about my question. “He would either want to touch the animals or try to climb a tree.”

  “What’s his favorite animal?”

  She starts to laugh. “Monkey. He has a monkey outfit and he wears it often. We have to play zoo, and he’s the monkey that we take care of. He even named himself when he’s a monkey. We have to call him Climber.”

  I love the sound of her carefree laugh. But the fact she said we doesn’t go unnoticed. There is no way Nate should be playing father to my son. I hoist her up farther and take in a deep breath, calming myself. She does give me an idea that may help me stick out in Madden’s mind. I can’t get a monkey, but maybe I could create a small petting zoo for when he comes to visit for the first time.

  I want him to think about me, his real father, and like me. I can’t help but repeat to myself how fucked up this all is.

  “What’s your favorite thing to do?” I turn my head to look at her. I need a break from talking and thinking about Madden. It still feels raw to me. I wonder if she feels it. Other than her body initially freezing up, she doesn’t seem too affected by it. But Raya has always been better with her emotions, and she has had time to process it all.

  “Oh, I’m boring.” She looks adorably serious.

  “I hardly believe that.” The Raya I fell in love with was the life of the party, always game for something new. She was a ray of sunshine, always happy, and that extended to everyone around her.

  “Honestly, just sitting outside with a tea or wine in the peace and quiet. I don’t do it very often, but when I get the chance, it’s nice. It’s even nicer if Madden is playing and I can watch him.” There is a slight sadness to her voice.

  “You must miss him,” I observe just as we enter the barn. I never considered how she must be feeling, being away from him. Once again, Nate enters my thoughts, and the fact that he is spending quality time with our son when I’m not.

  Turning my head, I focus on the barn. I don’t want her to read my face wrong and get a bad impression.

  “This is the longest I’ve ever been away from him.”

  I nod, understanding. I don’t think Shay has been away from her children.

  Bending down, I allow her off my back. “Enough about me. Tell me what we’re doing in here.”

  I’m happy for the change in conversation. I need to work with my hands. I need to get out of my head. “I thought we would gather a few eggs then head out on a trail ride to cook lunch.” She seems okay with the idea, as she nods. “Make sure you watch out for Stanley though. He’s an asshole.”

  She tilts her head in confusion. I point to where the rooster is already sizing her up.

  “You need to keep your eye on him or he’ll peck you. He’s worse when there is a kid his size around. Then he chases them.”

  She looks horrified. “Do you have to have one?”

  “He keeps the ladies in line. Otherwise, we’d be having hen fights all the time. When the girls get bitchy, he deals with it.”

  I head toward the corner of the barn where the hens are, to gather the eggs. “Come on, you need to pick out your own eggs.”

  I watch in amusement as, each step she takes, so does Stanley, but as soon as she looks at him, he stops and turns his head like he’s not following her. I swear this rooster knows what I say about him and makes it his life mission to make sure I’m not lying.

  She takes two quick wobbly steps and stops, but Stanley is as fast as she is. Raya doesn’t stop; she now has made a game of this and is smiling, having fun. It brings so many memories back of her always going with the flow, making it fun no matter what.

  Once Raya steps into the threshold of the hen’s house, they begin to cluck, and I pick up the one I call Gertrude and pet her.

  “Now what?”

  Stanley has slowly crept up on her, but the hens seem to be distracting him as he goes off to chase one of them.

  I point out one of the nests. “Just go on up and take those two there.”

  “They won’t get mad?” She looks at the hens around her feet, while Stanley stays on the outskirts like the big enforcer he is.

  “Naw, they don’t mind.”

  Raya is a natural. She slowly goes toward the nest, talking to the girls as she goes, giving out little pats on the head if they come cl
oser to her. Most of them stay their distance, making this job easy. She picks up the two eggs and comes back to me.

  “You’re a natural.”

  She smiles at me, and I feel like time has disappeared and it’s just the two of us with no past to separate our feelings.

  “There are a few more eggs in the other nest. How about you get them while I wash these up for us?”

  She nods, looking confident while I go the barn sink to clean the eggs, preparing them for us to eat later.

  CHAPTER 24

  My phone vibrates in Brax’s hoodie pocket again, its slight vibration knocking against my skin. I should have kept my phone at his house, I consider in hindsight.

  Brax’s hoodie sleeves are rolled up past my elbows, while the rest of the sweater billows over me with its size. I dare not touch my phone, scared I’ll fall off the horse while we trot on a path lined with trees. There is a slight breeze that escapes into the woods, creating the perfect warmth to be comfortable in the shade.

  Trying to peer into my pocket, I see the phone lightly bounce, but never enough to fall out. The screen is just past my sight. But I don’t have to look at it to know it’s Nate. I’ve ignored his last two calls, but now I’m starting to worry that something could be wrong with Madden. Yet, each time, there is no message.

  The unknown of his phone calls takes away from the beauty of the trail ride. There is a canopy of green and blue above me, with a constant song from the birds we pass. Brax is ahead of me, allowing me to have plenty of time to soak him in, watching that ass of his stay firmly on the horse in front of me.

  I watch as he looks back at me, making sure I’m still following behind for him to give me that sexy smirk of his.

  We come to an opening that resembles a meadow, with its green grass and clover leading the way to what looks like a large pond on its edge.

  “What is this place?” I call out.

  Brax looks over his shoulder and comes to a stop. “We used to call it the watering hole when we were younger.”