The Christmas Pudding Lie

by P. B. Phillips

  All Anna can do is to tap her left foot and then her right foot.

  Harriet proceeds, “As Sherlock implied earlier, it is not kismet that Lady Banks lands the job at the New York World’s Fair. British intelligence had her in their scope since her days at Cambridge. They arrange for the job offer.

  They want to assess how she manages in the field. They are eager to test the limits of her coping mechanism away from her familiar support systems, the university, family and friends. Can she maintain a level of sophistication in new surroundings? How does she interact with strangers? Is she a good listener or a petty gossiper?

  Her falling for Eamon tells them that she is on her way to becoming a Lady Banks. Back in London they sit and wait.”

  Sherlock tries to soften Anna’s intensity. He reaches over and taps her knee and says, “The devil is in the details, Watson.”

  Harriet continues, “When our heart broken Lady Banks flies out of London, the chosen Lord Banks shadows her. British Intelligence aims to strike while the iron is hot. Anticipating her return trip, they bump her to first class. Her new seat assignment, of course is along side Lord Banks.

  Now we get to Lord Banks. Who is he? British Intelligence’s choice of Lord Banks is the opposite of Eamon. There is purpose in their design. In contrast to the mysterious, dark overtones of Eamon, Lord Banks is lack luster. His complexion is fair. He has hair the color of corn rust. He is short, tubby and tidy. He is her elder. He is the familiar, trustworthy and wise Anglo Saxon don.

  His uninspiring persona is non-threatening. He engages in the chitchat of fellow travelers. He presents himself as a member of the faculty of American Studies at Leeds University. He is on sabbatical. His special field of interest is the adaptation of twentieth century literature in the cinema.

  Lady Banks in turns talks about her work at LSE. This reestablishes her as a legitimate woman with intellectual credentials. In very subtle ways, Lord Banks works to restore Lady Banks’ confidence and ego. As she resumes her intellectual persona she distances herself from her folly with Eamon. Within minutes of takeoff, our British Lord Banks lays claim to his Lady Banks.”

  Anna tenses. She is confounded. She is incensed with the spooks for using the innocent. And she is downtrodden that Lady Banks is so gullible and naïve. She just taps her left foot and then her right.

  Harriet observes Anna obsession with foot tapping. She supposes that it is the cold. She thinks to stop for a moment to make her guest more comfortable. But there is little time. She keeps the tone intense and quickens the pace.

  “Spooks are fast workers. Within the time it takes to fly from New York to London, Lord Banks wins over Lady Banks. His is not a conquest of the heart. He is anything but sexy. He aims to provide her with the illusion that he is what she needs now a grounded force.

  Over champagne cocktails, Lady Banks confesses to her secret affair. The perfect stranger is now a confidant. It’s all part of the game plan. Lord Banks lies and tells her that recently he suffered a break up as well. So he is an authority in such matters. He directs Lady Banks to change her phone number at once and set about finding a new flat and leave no forwarding address.

  Lady Banks feeling warm and cuddly in the eyes of a daddy figure takes the bait. She suggests that they must stay in touch. Lord Banks scores. He has her thinking that she is making the first move, the advance. He pretends to scramble for paper and pencil. He has them ever ready.

  He scribbles and replies, ‘this is my private number in Leeds. We will keep in touch. I want to hear all about your progress with your thesis. If there is anything I can do to help your career, call.’

  Lady Banks without thinking, “if it is not too presumptuous of me, might I ask you to sit as my outside expert on my oral review committee.’

  He pounces, "My honor for sure.” He buzzes for the stewardess in first class. It is two more champagne cocktails to toast this fortuitous meeting.

  On her first day back in London, Lady Banks wastes no time in disconnecting her old number. She makes haste in finding a new flat. She returns to her academic life with renewed interest. She pushes up the date for her orals. She arranges with her senior advisor to call up the undercover British Intelligence agent, Lord Banks, to be her fourth, the outside examiner. All this upheaval works to keep her mind off Eamon.”

  A thought crosses Anna’s mind, “Is this the same advisor who put Lady Banks in touch with the publishing company? Is this guy an agent also?”

  Harriet nods, “It is a tight network. The agency rewards the tutor for every potential Lady Banks that he sends their way. They are his publisher after all. Does the tutor know that he is part of the con? Sometimes but normally he works off the premise that he is maintaining an above board professional working relationship.”

  Anna’s lower lip pouts. The moans and groans of the ghost of Christmas past fill her head. She strains to stay present. Sherlock winks at Harry to ask her to keep the story moving. She does.

  “With her advanced degree work at LSE successfully completed, Lady Banks finds that she is without a plan, as was the agency’s plan. The very week of her graduation, Lord Banks announces that he has taken up a new post in Los Angeles and asks her to accompany him. He promises that he will help find a publisher for her thesis. Lady Banks still in the groove of subservient student and superior don accepts.”

  Sherlock adds, “The move seems quite bold. It is. But it is a crucial psych op. Combined with his offer to sit on her exam, this new offer places Lady Banks in his debt. You understand the direction here?”

  Anna covers her mouth. She bows yes. And then gets back to the point, “How does this play out?”

  Sherlock gets up now. He walks over to attend to the fire. He explains, “In America, Lord Banks is the only countryman she encounters. He is her continuity. He knows the inroads of the new territory. He is her conduit to the new world. She has no identity beyond Lord Banks. And that is exactly how Lord Banks wants it.”

  Harriet goes on, “At the start, all is wonderment for the young woman. It is sunny day after sunny day. Within weeks Lord Banks pushes Lady Banks to marry him. Lady Banks loves her new enhanced stature as pet wife of the scholarly don. She attends to her new role with glee and diligence. But all is not sunshine in paradise. Lurking in the shadows of this fallacy of a relationship is mounting sexual frustration for young Lady Banks. At his best, Lord Banks is ‘wham bam thank you mum’ in bed.”

  Sherlock adds, “It never crosses her mind that Lord Banks is more interested and aroused by a game of racquet ball with his male counterparts than he is in their sex life.”

  Anna is about to ask ‘why’ when she bites her tongue. She really doesn’t want to go down that road either.

  Harriet straightens up to make the next point. “But it is this sexual void that trips up Lord Banks.”

  Anna realigns her position now. She makes a quick mental note. Ah hah maybe there is justice in this sordid affair. Could revenge be waiting in the wings? Will Lady Banks put Lord Banks in his place?

  The wide-eyed look on her face beseeches Harriet to continue. However, it is Sherlock’s voice that beckons her attention. She jerks her head in his direction. He proceeds undaunted by Anna’s theatrics.

  He proceeds, “A word about Lord Banks’ position is in order here, I dare say. It is a position primed for him by the special alliance between American and British Intelligence. Lord Banks is their man on the inside. He operates in very choppy waters, however. He must override growing resentment within his ranks from passed over dons. From day one and every day thereafter, a coup d’etat threatens. At the same time, he must be ever mindful of competing counter spooks. As you know Anna, everyone is suspect in the hallowed halls of higher learning.”

  Anna says nothing. This is a story that she learned too late. She nods for Sherlock to continue.

  He does, “The politics of the university and the rigors of spying require all Lord Banks’ attention. He keeps our Lady abreast of the battle t
hat rages within his department. He reminds her that she is his only ally. He asks her to keep a close ear to the ground. Lady Banks is only too glad to spy for him. It gives her definition.”

  Harriet cuts in, “Psych ops engender psych ops.”

  Anna tilts her head a few degrees for clarification.

  Harriet smiles softly, “The best strategy for disposing of Lord Banks lies with Lady Banks.”

  Anna thinks that Harriet has misspoken. There has been no mention of disposing Lord Banks. Anna asks on a sour note, “What… another Lord Banks?”

  Sherlock answers calmly, trying very much to withdraw Anna from any emotional involvement in the unfolding drama, “While Lord Banks employs his bag of psych ops to control Lady Banks, his enemies are employing their own psych ops to undermine this interloper, our Lord Banks. In short a counter spy enters to lure Lady Banks away from Lord Banks. Believe me it is more common than not.”

  Anna looks imploringly over at Harriet. She knows where Anna is lost. So she doesn’t keep her guessing. She goes on. “When it looks confounded remember that it is always a simple matter. The spooks always go for the simple strategy. Consider if you will on the one hand Lord Banks is trained to operate in an atmosphere of destabilization. He expects it. It is part of his job description. On the other hand is our Lady Banks very young and thus always vulnerable.

  Consider the scenario as it played out. It’s spring. Lady Banks is alone much of the day as Lord Banks is busy putting out ‘in-house’ fires. To fill her time, Lady Banks takes to walking about campus. She typically walks around the Mary Pickford gardens. She can’t help but notice the man who is always at the fountain when she passes. For Lady Banks, he has become a part of the garden. She expects to see him there.

  Then one day he is not there. She notices this. The next day again the man is absent. She misses his nod acknowledging her presence, his quirky salutes and his hippy peace sign. On the fourth day, he reappears. She feels strangely reassured. In a very subliminal manner, he has become a part of her world. His mannerism suggests that he is on her side.

  He is careful never to approach her. He is deliberate. He waits for Lady Banks to make the first move. And of course the day comes. Psych ops are hard to deny.”

  “But why…?” Anna whines.

  Sherlock relieves Harriet, “Why? Human nature… Watson. It’s not a fluke that the approach occurs in spring. It is the universal season for seduction.”

  Harriet smiles hearing Sherlock call Anna, Watson. She explains, “Our new man on campus is about Lady Banks’ age. He is the quintessential American hippy; long hair, full beard, faded blue jeans, tie-dyed shirt, bangles around his neck, Birkenstocks on his feet.

  On the day of the seduction, he flashes his now signature peace sign. She smiles and engages him, “Hi, do you have the time?’

  The spoiler smiles coyly and answers, “By my watch it is a quarter past a freckle.”

  His hokey humor is welcomed in Lady Banks’ humorless world. Lady Banks shyly goes forth, “Are you a student here?”

  The spoiler flashes a wider smile, “No I am a student of the University of Love! They call me Dan by the way.”

  Lady Banks’ feminine wiles dormant too long, slowly wake up. It’s been a long dry season without compliments. She bites the hook.

  Dan moves on her quickly, “Are you one of the foreign exchange students here? From your accent, my guess is that you hail from Kansas.”

  Lady Banks laughs. Laughter has been dormant too long as well. She answers coyly, “I’m from London. My name is Lady Banks.”

  Dan motions her to walk along with him. He packs up his garden tools in a leather bag.

  Lady Banks says, “Oh, so you are the gardener.”

  Dan replies quickly, “That’s me, sweet lady, a lowly servant of the earth.”

  His every word is about her. He asks, “So how are the Yanks treating you?”

  Lady Banks continues to giggle. She answers, “I know so few.”

  Dan takes her hand as if he is her long lost friend and replies, “We can fix that.”

  Harriet pauses to order the events in her mind. Sherlock seizes on the short lull to reiterate Dan’s plan. He interjects, “Dan is Lady Banks’ escort into the young, vibrant, counter culture in America. It never once occurs to Lady Banks that perhaps Dan is but another Eamon. In addition to being a stand up comic of one-liners, Dan is the wizard of mind-bending drugs. Lady Banks, a virgin in the psychedelic woods follows merrily. He introduces her to his friends. And suddenly Lady Banks is no longer isolated. Over the course of a few secret assignations, he seduces Lady Banks.”

  Harriet adds, “Keep uppermost in your mind that while Dan plays Lady Banks, his end game is to bring down Lord Banks. While it appears that he has eyes only for Lady Banks, his eyes are on Lord Banks”

  Anna cringes. The corner of her mouth twitches. She taps her left foot and then her right and again, her left, right foot. She catches her self and holds her knees tightly. Harriet sees that Anna is stuck on this point. She expands for her,

  “Allow me to jump ahead here. Dan’s mission is to destabilize Lord Banks. Lady Banks is the means to the end. By sacking Lady Banks, Dan attacks Lord Banks’ ego. It is a direct hit on his manliness.”

  Anna’s got it. She mutters softly, “Oy.”

  Harriet nods, “Indeed! Now to the sexual void I spoke of earlier. Dan, young, handsome and hip overwhelms Lady Banks with his sexual prowess. Dan recasts Lady Banks as a young, vibrant, sexy thing. This is in direct contrast to the milk toast, lukewarm affair with the elder don, Lord Banks. Lady Banks falls big. She is high on drugs. She is high on sex. She is high on her new circle of friends.”

  Anna is feeling a bit queasy with all the twists and turns in the story. She looks to Sherlock and asks, “Is there tea?”

  Sherlock removes to the galley, relieved that he doesn’t have to see the anguish in their faces.

  Harriet continues, “In addition to the seduction of Lady Banks, Dan needs also to engage Lord Banks. He purposely telephones Lady Banks knowing that Lord Banks is home. He wants Lord Banks to answer the void on the other end. The click on the other end of the phone line is the fire that fuels Lord Banks’ jealousy. Dan sends letters that he hopes will fall into Lord Banks’ hands. Dan is ruthless. Having access to the campus, he scrawls obscene messages about Lord Banks’ virility on the walls of the senior faculty men’s room.

  Lord Banks, overwrought by the challenge within his ranks, grows increasingly suspicious of Lady Banks. And he is not about to let her go. To do so would be to relinquish his Alpha male position. He and his company of spooks have invested too much time and money in her. He goes on the offensive.

  For starters, he puts Lady Banks on a very short leash. And then he proceeds with his own brand of psych ops. He disables her car, thereby limiting her freedom of mobility. Crisis after crisis occur in the home. His aim is to keep her at home. He must reengage her attention. He will do almost anything to keep her away from Dan. However, he is careful not to confront her on the issue. That is in the beginning.

  When he sees that Dan maintains his hold over Lady Banks, Lord Banks turns on Lady Banks. He becomes abusive, verbally and physically. He demeans her in every way. He tells her that since she has taken up whoring, he will treat her as a whore. Treachery runs deep here. Lord Banks is about regaining his dominance over Lady Banks. But this is secondary to his real purpose, to defeat Dan.”

  Harriet pauses upon seeing Sherlock with a tray topped with the fanciful Bopla tea set. He carefully places the tray on the table. “Herb tea...”

  As he pours the hot fragrant elixir in to the colorful mugs, he sees that Anna’s mouth is open. Her eyes express confusion. He feels compelled to comment, “The two bulls fight each other by using and abusing Lady Banks.”

  Anna bites her lips. She looks to Sherlock for an explanation. With his head bowed over the tray, as he fusses with the tea service, he expands on the point,

  “It
is a common war tactic.”

  Anna is sure that they are not on the same page. In disbelief, she says, “War?”

  Sherlock hands Anna a cup. He looks into her unfocused eyes and answers,

  “You know from your reading of history, that armies, as part of their assault, rape the enemy’s women. This one action is more damaging than bombs and bullets. It forever pollutes their bloodlines. And so it is in this case. Dan uses Lady Banks to defeat Lord Banks. In turn, Lord Banks abuses Lady Banks to defeat Dan.”

  Anna is speechless. All she can do is tap her feet, left foot, right foot.

  Sherlock attends to his Harry. He brushes her cheek. Harry engages his hand. She is reluctant to make the next observation. She lets go of Sherlock’s hand and looks over to Anna, “The cock fight is not the worst of it.”

  Anna’s eyes widen. Harriet lowers hers. In an octave lower than usual, she replies, “No the worst is that Lady Banks sees herself as the guilty one. She assumes all the blame and shame for her indiscretion. That she has failed Lord Banks plays to an early childhood abyss. Her self-perceived failures to win over her father condition her to failing with future male interests. She expects failure.”

  Anna shivers but remains silent.

  Harriet goes on, “Lady Banks’ relationship with Dan is now a threat to Lord Banks’ security and cover. He sets in motion the conditions for a nervous break down in Lady Banks. He resorts to drugs as well. He secretly drugs her with psychotic meds inflicting depression and paranoia. He causes her to be sleep deprived.