Beautiful Lies

by Heather Bentley

  His hand reaches out to mine. “Hello Christina, Matthew. It’s truly a pleasure. Your grandmother tells me you’re here alone tonight?” Even with years of etiquette crammed down my throat, I refuse to take his hand. He finally gives up and brings it back down to his side.

  “Matthew, you’ll have to excuse my granddaughter. Christina, where are your manners?” She shoots daggers at me with her eyes, but they have no impact on me.

  Knowing the words that are so close to escaping my mouth will only make this situation worse, I turn and walk away before they let loose. I feel like I’m tumbling down a hole, and I can’t latch on to anything to stop myself from propelling further. I swear, if I have to deal with one more thing tonight …

  “Excuse me, Ms. Harcourt, may I have a word?”

  Fuck! I dig my nails into my palms to prepare myself for what’s next.

  The head of the event planning company motions for me to step aside. “There’s a gentleman at the entrance who says he is here as your guest. However, he doesn’t have a ticket nor is his name on the list.”

  “All of my guests are here. Is he anyone you recognize?” I have to fight to not allow my lack of patience to surface, and remind myself this man is just doing his job.

  “No, Ms. Harcourt. He is adamant that he is to be here with you. I’m terribly sorry to bother you. It’s just that he’s very insistent, and I was concerned with causing a scene.”

  “Of course, you did the right thing. Where is he?” I scan the room, unsure of who I’m looking for.

  “Security is holding him until I tell them how to proceed.”

  “Fine. Radio them and tell them we’re on our way.”

  We casually but quickly step through the crowd until we reach a side room where security is being monitored. He opens the door for me as two guards the size of defensive linemen step aside.

  And there he is. CJ. He jolts forward at the sight of me, but security blocks him.

  It hurts to see him again. It hurts so badly that it seems like a decade has passed. He’s even wearing a tuxedo. If it weren’t for the dark circles under his eyes, and the small fact that he broke my heart, I’d say he’s the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.

  I gather up every bit of politeness I can. “Gentlemen, will you excuse us for a moment, please?”

  One of the large men speaks up. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it goes against …”

  I don’t allow him to finish. “Two minutes. Please.” My teeth grind with every syllable. If they only understood how quickly my nerves are fraying while my anger is building, they’d be more concerned for CJ’s safety, than mine.

  “Of course, Ms. Harcourt,” one of them says as they all leave the room, leaving CJ and me alone for the first time in weeks.

  The second the door closes, I turn on him. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” The nails digging into my palms may have finally broken the skin.

  He flinches before reaching out, pleading. “Christina …”

  I shoot him an enraged look that immediately silences him before moving swiftly and poking him hard in the chest. “You have the audacity to show up on the biggest night of the year for me? And, for what? To talk? There’s nothing to say.” My stress and lack of sleep are growing more evident with every word.

  He reaches for my hand and I back away, appalled, as his face grimaces in pain at the movement. “I didn’t sleep with her, Christina. I swear to you.” He’s standing strong, his words heavy with conviction.

  I match his stance, tightening my fists as I speak. “I don’t care anymore, CJ. For the first time in a really long time, I let myself trust someone new. I let myself trust you. You, the man who told me we could be really, really good together. You said those words to me. Do you remember?” I don’t give him time to respond. “Then we hit one snag, and you jump into bed with someone else.”

  CJ tries again to grab hold of my hands, but I flinch back. Even in the small room, I’m still capable of staying a safe distance away from him. I have to, because if I’m forced to deal with one more emotion right now, I won’t just cave, I’ll implode.

  He takes a step back, giving me space, while holding his hands up in defense. “I swear to Christ, Christina, I was not with her. Yes. I fucked up. And I deserve every bit of anger you’re feeling, but I swear to you I never cheated. She’s with Eric!”

  I take a few steps towards the door. “I’m so tired, CJ. I’m tired of playing the fool. I’m tired of being manipulated. I’m tired of trying to always be the better person. I’m done. You can go back to Ali guilt free.” I reach for the knob when I feel his hand grab my forearm. I yank it back and rub it like it burns.

  He’s gone from determined to panicked in a matter of minutes. “Jesus Christ, Christina. Stop! Hit me. Scream at me. Whatever it takes. Just talk to me. Please. We need to talk.”

  I dramatically point to the ballroom. “And you think that should happen here? Now? Like this?” I can’t remember a time I’ve felt such rage. And I can’t make it stop.

  “I know I fucked up. But I also know all I want is to fix this. To have you back. So I wasn’t going to wait. I rented a tux and …” His chest heaving, he stumbles and searches for his next words. “You look beautiful. Amazing.”

  A sharp, forced laugh escapes me. Not one I’ve ever heard from myself before. I shake my head in indignation, take a large, settling breath, and do my best to speak sedately. “My sole focus right now is what’s going on in that room. The fact that you show up on such an important night tells me just how selfish you are. Thank you for finally showing me who you really are, CJ. And proving once again that the only person I can trust is myself.” I force out the last few words, feeling suddenly overheated and saddened at the thought that this is our end.

  CJ is only a few short feet away from me, his eyes fixed on mine, trying to will me to come to him. I watch him swallow, and his Adam’s apple bob. “Christina, you said in your message that you were falling in love with me. Well, I’m already there. Christina, I love you.”

  The second that last syllable leaves his lips, I don’t hear the pain in his voice or see the anguish on his face. I might be ignoring his emotions, but I’m far from ignoring his words. Each one plays repetitively in my head. Add my fears for Thomas and Grandmother’s hurtful antics, and my mind starts spinning out of control.

  That’s when I feel the first crack. It starts in my core and takes a straight flight up into my chest, winding and twisting as it travels to my spine, never letting up as hot, sharp pins prick and push on my lungs, the pressure finally settling around my neck and squeezing tight. I turn away, forcing steady, full breaths from my lungs in an attempt to control my fury.

  He takes a step forward and reaches for me. “Christina, are you okay? Let me help you.”

  He mistakes my indignation for pain and I put an arm out to distance us. I love you. I play his words over in my head, but they’re too late. “This is the first time you’ve ever said those three words to me. When you’re desperate and afraid, making them absolutely worthless.”

  His only response is stunned silence.

  I shout out for the event planner. Not a second later, the door swings open, and he’s there with the two linebackers in tow. I step beside them, a silent plea for their support and the two men don’t hesitate to get between us. I steel my shoulders because I’m only concerned with one thing. Myself. “Escort this gentleman out. He will not be attending tonight’s event. Please make the security team aware.”

  “Goddammit, Christina, stop this!” He rushes toward me, but security blocks him, grabbing him by the arms and dragging him out. Even though he knows he’s overpowered, he doesn’t stop fighting or shouting my name.

  Once he’s been removed, I flatten my dress with my hands, raise my chin, and head back out to the event. All the while ignoring the burning feeling that I’ve just made a huge mistake.

  Monday morning I’m wide awake, energized and ready to go. I spent most of Sunday worki
ng through the emotions of seeing CJ, replaying every moment again and again, until I exhausted even myself with it. So, after dissecting it for hours, I finally decided—enough. The best way to move forward is to focus on one issue at a time, starting with Thomas. I need to set eyes on him. I spoke with his mom yesterday, and he’s awake more than he’s asleep, but I still won’t feel better until I see for myself.

  I open the door to my office, flip on the lights, and power up my computer before turning to go make a cup of tea and sit with Thomas. Right as I’m about to step into the hall, I feel a flutter in my belly. Something feels … off. I shake it off and continue.

  Thomas is asleep when I get there, so I turn on his TV, muting the volume as I find the morning news. I place my hand on top of his, appreciating its warmth, then check the readings on the machines. All good. I rest my head back in the chair and close my eyes for a minute, and take the first cleansing breath I’ve taken in weeks.

  I feel Thomas’s hand turn and grasp my own. Expecting to see his eyes open, I’m surprised when they’re not. He’s holding my hand in his sleep, causing my chest to tighten and my eyes to burn.

  After watching the weather, the news, then the weather again, I hear him rustle.

  “Hey, there’s my favorite guy.” He turns his head at my voice and smiles up at me.

  He rubs his face with his free hand then says, “I had a good dream.” His cute, sleepy voice is quiet and soft.

  “Oh yeah, this I gotta hear.” I sit him up in bed and give him a sip of water before leaning in closer, honestly anxious for what he’s about to share.

  “I was wearing this weird harness thing. Straps were winding all around me, in all different colors, and on the straps were shiny, silver clips. I looked up and saw I was standing at the bottom of a huge mountain, and on it were hooks. So, I clipped onto the hooks and started climbing up. I was really good at it.” He looks up to me, smiling at the memory. I take the opportunity to give him another sip of water before he continues.

  “So I just kept going higher and higher. But I got so high that my head was in the clouds, and then I was afraid. So, I stopped. I wanted to go back down, but through the clouds, I heard someone shouting my name. They shouted ‘Thomas’ over and over again and told me to keep going. So, I kept going until I was in the clouds. I was in the clouds, Christina. It was magical. The clouds, they were soft and warm, and they felt so good, just like when my mom hugs me.”

  He pauses to catch his breath. “And the voice kept telling me to keep going. That I was brave, that I could do it. I knew I was getting close to the top because the voice was getting louder. When I went even higher, I could see the clouds getting brighter, and I got so excited I went faster and faster until it got brighter and brighter. The clouds went away and it was all yellow and orange sunshine. And the sunshine … it was better than the clouds, Christina. It was so warm and made me feel so good. And I was so happy.”

  His eyes are glassy with tears, and his smile fills his thin face. I can’t help but smile in return at this incredible boy, and this amazing gift he’s just shared with me. I kiss his hand that’s tightly grasping my own. “That sounds like one awesome dream, Thomas.”

  “It was, Christina. It was. Can we journal it?”

  “Of course.” I get up and grab his journal and pen. “Okay, let’s start with the straps.”

  When we’re done, I go to the supply room and bury my face into a towel and sob.

  If I’m going to make it through this day, I need to get lost in my work for a few hours. As I take one step in my office, I realize that’s going to be a challenge. Because in the center of my coffee table is a beautiful, white porcelain unicorn statue with a rainbow mane and tail that encompasses all the colors of my office.

  He remembered.

  Whatever CJ’s motives are for this gift, I don’t have the headspace to give it any consideration. Because as Thomas is my first priority, I have to come second. There is no room for third.

  CJ hasn’t attempted to contact me since his gift. Since he said those three words. I keep telling myself that I should be relieved, but what I’m starting to feel is disheartened. We all want someone who will fight for us. Even if they screw up and hurt us so badly that we’re certain we’ll never go back. But it’s just as well because CJ was right about one thing. Eventually, I will leave. It’s what I’ve been saving and planning for, for years. And that plan doesn’t include anyone but myself. I need to let him go. More importantly, my heart needs to let him go.

  My thoughts are interrupted by a quick knock on my door. “Good morning, Christina!” Another morning and another ridiculously good mood from Anna.

  She enters my office, but I keep my focus on my computer. “I’m starting to think setting you up with Alex was an awful idea, after all. I know it’s just the universe’s way of evening things out, but the universe can go suck it.” I shoot her a smirk to let her know I’m kidding—mostly, before continuing back to work. But let’s be honest, no one suffering from a broken heart needs the added torture of being around someone who’s falling in love.

  She laughs and waves away my words. With a melodic lilt to her voice, she continues, “Take off your crabby pants, missy. I came by to tell you that we have a new volunteer starting today.”

  I continue to type. “That’s nice. Let’s hope this one doesn’t have a weak stomach.”

  Anna smiles without humor. “The greatest mark of a man is how he treats a child that has just thrown up chicken noodle soup and lime Jell-O all over him.” She pauses before continuing, “I think this one can hack it, though.”

  When I turn her way, she simply continues to beam like a lovesick fool. Ugh. I raise my hand and playfully shoo her out of my office. “Whatever, you and your sparkly love eyes can move on now.” She brushes me off with a laugh as she practically skips out of my office, smiling at that damn unicorn as she goes.

  There’s plenty to do today, but I decide to take a break and check in on a few patients, namely Thomas. As his numbers remain steady, his doctors are hopeful and continue to remind his parents that it’s all part of the peaks and valleys that go along with his strenuous treatments. But I’ve been here long enough to know that a valley can quickly turn into a cliff.

  After stopping in to give hugs to every patient who was awake and stroke the cheek of those who were asleep, I finally make my way to Thomas’s room. I know it’s not fair to pick favorites, and God knows I’d never admit it, but I’m crazy about this kid. Alex hit it on the head when he called Thomas an “old soul.” He truly is wise beyond his years. The other patients look up to him, even the adults admire him. Not only because he’s been on the floor the longest, but also because he’s a natural leader, in a completely organic, honest kind of way. He never fights us, complains, or cries. When he has a spinal tap or is told he has yet another failed port, he simply nods his head and says, “Let’s do this.” You don’t need to know him long to know he’s someone with an energy about him that shouts to the world, “I’m destined for greatness!”

  When I enter Thomas’s room I see the curtain has been pulled. Assuming a doctor is in examining him, I shout out, “Hey, Thomas. Just wanted to check in. I’ll come back in a bit.”

  “Wait, Christina! Don’t leave.” I’m relieved to hear his voice sounds stronger today. Anxious to see him, I step forward and pull the curtain back just enough to see that he’s not with a doctor. He’s with CJ.

  Not wanting to drag my drama into Thomas’s life, I pretend like there’s nothing unusual or uncomfortable with this situation. Like CJ and I never broke up and this is just another day of him hanging out on the floor. So I focus all of my attention on Thomas, and only Thomas. “How’s it going this morning, bud? Have you eaten?”

  He’s paler then I’d like to see him, but his strong smile overshadows that. “My mouth sores are better, so I had a few bites of grilled cheese. About freaking time, too. I was getting tired of scrambled eggs and protein shakes.”

&
nbsp; I smile at him and slide his bangs to the side with my fingertips. “All right, but if you think you’re ready for something more, you let me or one of the nurses know, and I’ll get it. Kay?”

  “Okay, Christina.” He’s still obviously weaker than usual, but I’m hoping that will change once we’re able to get more protein and calories in him. Otherwise, we’ll have to feed him intravenously and that’s always tough on the kids. “Isn’t it great that CJ is officially a volunteer now?” There’s a little excited squeak to his voice as he says it.

  Pushing back my surprise at his words, I manage to ask, “Oh yeah?” I hold my focus on Thomas. I still can’t bring myself to acknowledge CJ just yet.

  The smile on Thomas’s face is one of the biggest he’s had the strength to muster in days. “Yeah, he’s all official and everything. He even has a badge!” He points at CJ, forcing me to momentarily glance his way.

  “Wow. Well, that’s great, bud. Now he can help you get to the next level of Clash of Clams.”

  “CLANS. Geesh, Christina, it’s Clash of Clans.” He rolls his eyes in mock annoyance.

  I smile down at him and respond sarcastically, “Seriously? And all this time I thought it was some weird game where clams were fighting anemones or something.” Thomas looks up at me with a doubtful smirk. I give him a wink in return. “Let me know when you’re ready to eat. I’ll get you whatever you want.”

  “Anything?” His eyes light up as his mind runs furiously through his options.