by Jeff Kinney
Mom reminded me that Aunt Reba was the one
who used to send me angry letters when I forgot
to write her thank-you notes for my birthday
money. And then I knew EXACTLY which one
she was.
I guess MANNY remembered Aunt Reba, because
he seemed pretty upset she had died.
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So tonight Mom read him a book she’d read to ME
when Meemaw passed away.
Mom has a whole SHELF of these Preston Platypus
books, and each one covers a different topic.
She’d pull one out every time I had to deal with
something NEW.
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When I found the books in Mom’s closet, I read
them all in one afternoon. I probably shouldn’t
have done that, though, because those books
turned me into a nervous WRECK.
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One of the books was about how Preston Platypus
was sad that a tree in his yard died and had to
be cut down. Well, when my parents said they
needed to take down a dead tree in OUR yard,
I was a total mess.
So my parents decided NOT to chop it down. But
then a few weeks later the tree fell down in a
storm and took out half our deck.
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The Preston Platypus books all follow the same
basic formula. At first, Preston’s worried about
something, and then his mom tells him things are
gonna be OK, and she turns out to be RIGHT.
I guess the reason I kept reading those books
was because I always hoped there would be a big
TWIST at the end. And then I’d be disappointed
when there WASN’T.
So I started coming up with my OWN endings to
the books. And when Mom saw what I’d drawn in
the back of “Preston Platypus Goes to the Zoo”
she took me to see a counsellor.
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Saturday
Today was Aunt Reba’s funeral. Mom said we had
to go because Aunt Reba didn’t have much family,
so we needed to show our support.
She told us we all had to wear BLACK to the
funeral, but when Rodrick came out wearing the
outfit he wore to his last rock concert Mom made
him go back inside and CHANGE.
That’s why we were fifteen minutes late to the
funeral. When we got there, the service had already
started, so we just stood at the back behind a
crowd of people. I’d never been in a cemetery
for that LONG before, so I felt a little
NERVOUS.
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That’s because Rodrick always says that when you
go past a cemetery you need to hold your breath
so you don’t swallow a GHOST. Well, I held
my breath for as long as I COULD today, but
there was no WAY I could make it through the
whole funeral.
I just hope I didn’t swallow any ghosts, because
middle school is hard ENOUGH without being
possessed by a person from the 1600s.
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Some of the tombstones had quotes on them, and
that got me thinking about what I want written
on MINE. Hopefully I’ll say something really
WISE right before I die, and they’ll carve my
last words on to my tombstone.
But I’ll probably say something really DUMB and
they’ll use it anyway.
I’ve got a lot of questions about what happens
to you after you die. For one thing, I wanna
know how you LOOK in the afterlife.
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If everyone’s appearance is frozen when they pass
away, then Heaven probably looks a lot like Leisure
Towers.
I wanna know what you WEAR up in Heaven,
too. If you’re stuck in the clothes you had on
just before you died, I seriously hope nothing bad
happens to me on HALLOWEEN.
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I’ll tell you this: I wanna stay alive for as long as
I can. But I wouldn’t want to live FOREVER.
Whenever you see a movie about someone who
becomes IMMORTAL, there’s always a CATCH
that totally ruins it.
When a person is immortal, they always have to
HIDE it from everyone else. I guess if people
know you can’t die they treat you like a
MONSTER or something.
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But if I was immortal I wouldn’t even TRY to
hide it. In fact, I’d mention it every chance I
COULD.
In school we learned about the world’s religions
and how everyone believes different things. In
some places they believe that, when you die, you
get reborn as someone ELSE.
Some people think you can come back as a totally
different creature, like an animal or an insect or
something. And WHAT you come back as depends
on whether you were GOOD or BAD.
Well, that actually makes me a little worried,
because I’ve done a few things in my life that I’m
not proud of.
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And if PLANTS have feelings, then I could
REALLY be in trouble.
Hopefully there’s still enough time for me to make
things right. Because I seriously don’t want to
come back as a dung beetle in my next life.
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Mom told us Aunt Reba didn’t have a lot of
family, but she did have lots of FRIENDS, which
would explain why there were so many people at
her funeral.
Well, I’d better start adding some new friends
MYSELF, or I’m not gonna draw much of a
crowd when it’s all over for me.
When the service ended today, everyone started
to leave. I thought I’d recognize SOME people,
because I know that Aunt Reba had a couple
of sisters who are still alive. But I didn’t see
ANYBODY I knew, which was weird.
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Mom seemed confused, too. When the crowd
thinned out, we made our way to the grave.
And that’s when we figured out we’d been at the
WRONG FUNERAL.
By the time we got to Aunt Reba’s grave, the
ceremony was over and everyone was already gone.
All I can say is, I hope Aunt Reba was
looking down from Heaven and having a good
laugh about us missing her funeral. But, from
what I remember about her, she wasn’t really
the type of person to have a good laugh about
ANYTHING.
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Monday
During dinner tonight, Mom said we needed to
have a family meeting. And family meetings are
never much FUN.
Mom told us Aunt Reba had lived a really humble
life in a small apartment, but that she had been
careful with her money and made some really
smart investments. Well, I had NO idea why
Mom was telling us all this.
But then came the big news. Mom said that Aunt
Reba had left all her money to her FAMILY. And
it took me a second to realize that included US.
Apparently, when you find out this sort of news
you’re not supposed to act HAPPY about it,
because I guess that’s disrespectful to the
person
who passed away. But nobody told us KIDS that.
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After Mom got us to settle down, she said we
needed to have a serious discussion about what to
do with our INHERITANCE.
I already knew EXACTLY how I was gonna
spend MY share.
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Rodrick said he wanted to use HIS share to buy
a tour bus for his band, and Dad wanted to buy
some really expensive figurines for his Civil War
diorama. Manny wanted to use HIS money to fill
his bedroom with chocolate pudding for some reason.
But Mom shot down everyone’s ideas. She said
we were making this decision as a FAMILY, and
whatever we did with the money was gonna have
to benefit EVERYBODY.
Then she told us HER idea, which was to use the
money for HOME IMPROVEMENTS.
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Everyone else thought that was a really BORING
idea, but not ME. I ran upstairs to get the
blueprints for my dream house, and I went
through them, floor by floor.
But Mom said the money Aunt Reba left us
wouldn’t even pay for the ice-skating rink I
designed for the second level. So I tried out some
of my LESS expensive ideas, like the couch with a
built-in toilet.
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Mom wasn’t crazy about THOSE ideas, either. She
said she was thinking about using the money for an
EXTENSION. Well, that sounded like a GREAT
idea to ME. I figured if we added two more
storeys to the top of our house, then everyone
in the family could have their own FLOOR.
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Rodrick wanted to make the extension into a
recording studio, and Dad wanted to make it all
glass so he could show off his Civil War diorama to
the neighbours.
Manny had his OWN idea for what to put in the
extension, but I think it was mostly just the
chocolate-pudding thing again.
Of course Mom didn’t like any of OUR ideas, and
she said she had a totally DIFFERENT plan for
what the extension should be.
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Mom said she’d always wanted a bigger KITCHEN,
and she was really excited to use the money for
THAT.
None of us really liked that idea, though, and we
kept brainstorming OTHER things we could put
in there.
But now Mom was MAD. She said she was the
only person in the family who’d ever sent Aunt
Reba a thank-you note for anything, so SHE was
gonna decide how to use the money. And, for some
reason, that was the end of the conversation.
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See, this is why leaving your relatives money is a bad
idea. All it does is make everyone MISERABLE.
I’m not planning on leaving ANY money behind
when I go. I’m gonna spend every last cent so
there’s nothing left for people to FIGHT over.
I can GUARANTEE that me and my brothers
are gonna fight over whatever inheritance we get
from Mom and Dad. And I’m ALREADY worried
that I’m not gonna get my fair share.
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That’s because when I first learned to write my
name Rodrick made me sign a bunch of pieces of
paper. And who KNOWS what kinds of things
I’d agreed to back then.
Rodrick always says he’s the “firstborn” so he’ll
get our parents’ house and all their MONEY,
too. But I don’t think it works like that any more.
