by Jeff Kinney
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If he’s RIGHT, though, then I’m glad I’m the
SECOND in line and not the THIRD, because
Manny’s got NO chance of getting any money
with two older brothers in front of him. And
that’s the reason I always watch my back around
that kid.
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MAY
Saturday
The great thing about this extension is that it
gives me something to brag about to Rowley on our
way to school.
I told him that our new kitchen is gonna have
granite countertops and a tile floor and brand-new
appliances. But, instead of getting JEALOUS,
he acted HAPPY for me. So I don’t understand
what kind of game he’s playing.
Rowley’s house is newer than ours, and it’s a lot
BIGGER, too.
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And that’s not right, because Rowley’s an only
child, so he doesn’t even NEED all that room.
Back when Rowley first moved in, I told him we
should swap houses to make things more FAIR.
Rowley thought that was a good idea, but
unfortunately his dad DIDN’T. And I think
that’s what got me and Mr Jefferson off on the
wrong foot.
Anyway, I’m actually getting kind of EXCITED
for construction to begin, because it’s gonna be
NICE having some more space. But I guess
they’ve gotta do a bunch of paperwork before they
can get started for real.
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Dad wants to fix a few things around the house
before construction begins anyway, and he wants me
and Rodrick to HELP him.
Dad says once me and Rodrick get our OWN
places we’re gonna have to know how to do repairs
OURSELVES. I keep telling Dad that by the
time we’re HIS age we won’t HAVE to fix things
ourselves. But he never seems to want to hear it.
Whenever Dad tries to teach me how to do something
new, I always have trouble following him. A couple
of weeks ago he showed me and Rodrick how to
change a tyre, but I guess I lost interest when he
started talking about lug nuts and air pressure.
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Dad was frustrated that I wasn’t paying attention,
and he asked me what I’m gonna do if I ever get
stuck by the side of the road with a flat tyre. I
told him I’m planning on buying a WHISTLE, and
I’ll just blow it if I ever need help.
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I guess that was the wrong answer, though,
because since then Dad’s been on my case to learn
how to do things for MYSELF.
Today Dad said he was gonna teach me how
to “snake a drain”, which didn’t sound like
fun to ME. And when I found out it was a
PLUMBING thing, I got SCARED.
I’ve had a fear of plumbing ever since I was
a little kid. It’s all because I overheard Mom
talking to Dad outside my bedroom just after we
moved in.
What I didn’t know THEN was that grout is the
gritty stuff between the bathroom tiles. But, when
Mom said that word, it put a picture in my mind.
Since I’d never SEEN the Grout, I figured it
must hide in the pipes whenever I walked into the
bathroom. So that made me nervous around taps
and drains.
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I was scared that one day the Grout was gonna
grab one of my ankles when I was in the shower
and pull me down the drain.
And I didn’t feel safe in Mom and Dad’s
bathroom, either, because I figured the Grout
could just slither through the pipes and get me in
THERE if it wanted to.
I thought maybe I could at least stop
the Grout from getting out of the taps by
BLOCKING them. So one day I went around
the house putting balloons over all the nozzles,
which turned out to be a pretty dumb move now
that I think about it.
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I knew I needed a way to DEFEND myself if
the Grout ever came after me while I was using
the bathroom. And I found the perfect weapon
in the cabinet underneath the sink.
From then on, if I was in the bathroom, I was
ARMED.
But later I started to worry that the Grout
might slip out of the bathroom and get me in my
BEDROOM.
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And a few times I was sure it was actually right
there in the room WITH me.
But when I woke up in the morning the Grout
was GONE.
Finally, I told Mom I was too scared to sleep
alone because I was afraid of the Grout.
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Mom thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS
and showed me what grout REALLY was.
Then she told me that a monster is only real if you
BELIEVE in it, and if I stopped thinking the
Grout was real it would DISAPPEAR.
I realized that was EXACTLY what the Grout
would WANT me to think, and I wondered if
the Grout was actually pretending to be MOM.
So, from that point on, I kept my bedroom
door LOCKED, just in case.
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Eventually I guess I DID stop believing in the
Grout. Well, at least until TODAY when Dad
unclogged the drain and pulled out a glob of
HAIR. And, for ME, that’s all the proof I
NEEDED.
I spent the rest of the day locked in my room.
And that was where I planned on STAYING,
at least until Dad took my door off the hinges
with a screwdriver.
I didn’t even know you could DO that. So Dad
should be happy, because he actually taught me
something NEW today.
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Sunday
This morning Dad woke me and Rodrick up early
and told us we had to go with him to the DIY
store. He said he had a day of chores lined up for
us, and we needed to get some supplies.
It’s been a while since we went to the DIY store,
and the last time we were there we got kicked
out. That’s because Manny used the toilet on the
display floor.
Dad went to find stuff to fix the washing
machine, and he sent me and Rodrick to get some
other things, like wood stain and paintbrushes.
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I’ll tell you this: if there’s ever a zombie invasion or
something like that, I’m heading STRAIGHT for
the DIY store. Because there’s stuff in there that
can do some SERIOUS damage.
When we got back home, Dad told me and
Rodrick we were gonna stain the deck. He said
we’d have to paint around the hot tub since it
was too heavy to move.
Honestly, I wish we never GOT the hot tub,
because that thing has been nothing but
TROUBLE.
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This winter the hot tub almost KILLED me,
not ONCE but TWICE.
One night we had a big storm, and the strap
holding down the hot-tub cover came undone. So
Dad told me I had to get out there and FIX it.
After I got on all my winter gear, I went
/> outside to deal with this thing. The cover was
flapping around like CRAZY, and it wasn’t easy
trying to wrestle it back down. And, just when
I thought I HAD it, a big gust of wind came
and blew the cover clear off the deck.
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But I was still holding on to the cover, so I
went flying WITH it.
If there hadn’t been three feet of SNOW on
the ground, that would’ve been IT for me.
After I checked to make sure I didn’t have any
broken bones, I dragged the cover through the
snow and up the stairs. And by the time I got
to the TOP I was completely EXHAUSTED.
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But that’s not the end of the story. The hose
Dad used to FILL the hot tub was running down
the stairs, and it was frozen SOLID. So when I
STEPPED on the hose, I slid all the way back
down to the BOTTOM and almost broke my neck
on the landing.
Rodrick’s had problems with the hot tub, too. He
used it all winter, but had a bad habit of falling
ASLEEP in it. So Mom would always have to make
sure he wasn’t still outside when she went to bed
for the night.
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But one time Mom forgot to check on Rodrick
before she went to sleep and didn’t realize he
was out there until the MORNING.
It took something like two WEEKS for Rodrick’s
skin to smooth out so he could stop looking like
a PRUNE. And during that time his high school
had their yearbook photos taken.
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A few months back Dad drained the hot tub, and
there hasn’t been any water in it SINCE. I’m
just hoping we get RID of that thing before it
causes any SERIOUS damage.
While we were staining the deck near the hot tub
today, I heard a buzzing noise and thought maybe
someone had accidentally left the heater running.
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So I lifted the cover to check. And, as soon as
I DID, I knew I was in TROUBLE.
Some wasps had made a NEST underneath the
cover, and now they were all stirred up. If I
made a sudden move, I was gonna get STUNG.
I didn’t know what to DO, but Rodrick made the
decision FOR me.
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The wasps went BERSERK, and I dropped the
hot-tub cover, then RAN for it. Somehow me
and Rodrick BOTH managed to get inside without
getting stung.
We were really lucky, because I’ve read that wasps
can sting you MULTIPLE times, unlike a regular
honeybee, which can only sting you ONCE.
I wonder what it’s like knowing that, if you sting
someone, you’ ll DIE. If I was a honeybee,
I’d be tempted to use my stinger every DAY.
ESPECIALLY if I was surrounded by bees my age.
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But if I went through my whole life without
ever using my stinger I’m sure I’d end up
REGRETTING it.
This afternoon Dad wanted to know why me and
Rodrick weren’t still outside staining the back
deck. Rodrick told him about the WASPS, but
left out the part about spraying their nest with
the hose.
Then Dad said he had another job for us in the
FRONT yard. He said the gutters were clogged
and needed cleaning, so we had to go and get the
ladder out of the garage.
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