by Jeff Kinney
Cleaning the gutters is my LEAST favourite
chore, because it’s always ME who has to climb up
the ladder.
Dad won’t do it any more because the LAST
time he did he had a run-in with a SQUIRREL.
So now RODRICK won’t go up the ladder,
either. He says the person who’s LIGHTEST has
to do it, because they won’t get hurt as badly if
they FALL.
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Rodrick even drew a diagram to show me the
science behind it. And, if that was supposed to
make me feel BETTER, it DIDN’T.
We got the ladder out of the garage and carried
it to the front yard. Then we leaned it against
the roof, and Rodrick held the base in place so
I could climb up.
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When I got to the top, I started scooping the
muddy slop from the gutters into the trash bag
I was holding in my other hand. That meant I
couldn’t really hold on to the ladder, and it was
hard to keep my balance.
After I cleared out that section, I climbed back
down and we moved the ladder to another spot.
But, on my fourth trip up, I noticed the ladder
felt a little more WOBBLY than usual.
I yelled down to Rodrick to hold the ladder
STEADY, but I didn’t get any response. And,
when I looked to see if he was on his phone or
something, he wasn’t even THERE.
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And that’s when I looked through the bathroom
window and saw Rodrick INSIDE THE HOUSE.
I knocked on the glass to get his attention.
But I must’ve leaned over too FAR, because the
ladder started tilting to one side.
It was too late for me to try and climb all the
way back down, so the only place to go was UP.
I climbed to the top of the ladder and grabbed
the edge of the roof with both hands, then pulled
myself up on to it. I did it just in time, too,
because the second I stepped off the ladder it
went crashing to the ground.
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So now I was stuck on the roof with no way to
get back down. I yelled out, hoping Mom or Dad
would hear me. But I was pretty sure Dad was in
the laundry room fixing the washing machine, and
I hadn’t seen Mom all morning.
Then I spotted Mr Larocca driving his lawn mower
out of his shed, and I thought I was SAVED. I
tried SHOUTING to him, but he couldn’t hear
me over the sound of the mower.
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I figured I could get Mr Larocca’s attention by
throwing some of the gloop from the gutters in
front of his mower to get him to stop and look up.
So I scooped up some sludge and aimed for
a spot in Mr Larocca’s path. But I guess I
miscalculated a little, because I nailed the mower
with a direct HIT.
And, believe me, I couldn’t make that shot again
if I had a HUNDRED more goes.
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Mr Larocca stopped his mower and tried to figure
out where the ambush had CoME from. I decided
maybe it wasn’t so bad to be stuck on the roof
AFTER all, and I scrambled over to the other
side where he wouldn’t be able to see me.
I hid behind the chimney, which was the only
shady place on the roof. And even there it was
pretty HOT.
I knew I could be in for a long wait, and
after a while I started worrying about getting
DEHYDRATED.
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So I took off most of my clothes, because I
didn’t want to SWEAT too much. I thought
that if I got really desperate I might be able
to wring some moisture out of my SOCKS. But I
was really hoping it wouldn’t come to that.
I knew that if I didn’t do something to save
myself they’d eventually find me in one of those
satellite photos.
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It was too far to jump DOWN, so that was
out of the question. And, even if I landed on
the back deck without killing myself, those wasps
would probably finish me off.
Then I remembered there was a window on the side
of the house above the garage. So I lowered myself
down from the roof and on to the ledge, which was
BARELY within reach.
Luckily, the window wasn’t LOCKED. I opened
it just wide enough for me to fit inside, and I
squeezed through.
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The window led to Mom and Dad’s bathroom, and
the ledge was right above their TOILET.
I put one foot down on top of the cistern, and
then I tried to put my OTHER foot down on top
of the toilet LID. But I didn’t notice the seat
was UP until it was too LATE.
So now my ankle was STUCK, and I couldn’t
pull my foot out, no matter how hard I tried. I
guess I was making a lot of noise trying to get
myself free, because that was when I found out
where MOM had been all this time.
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And it really wasn’t fun explaining the situation to
Dad when HE came into the bathroom.
So it wasn’t a great day for me. But the good news
is, Mom said that from now on we’re getting our
gutters cleaned by PROFESSIONALS.
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Tuesday
It turns out I’m not the ONLY one who got
replaced by someone who actually knows what
they’re doing. It happened to DAD, too.
Dad took the washing machine apart but couldn’t
put it back together. So Mom made him hire a
plumber to fix it.
It’s been really inconvenient living without a washing
machine. We’ve had to wash our clothes by hand in
the kitchen sink, which is a big pain. But Rodrick
came up with a SHORT CUT last night and put
his dirty clothes in the DISHWASHER.
Well, the dishwasher did a good job WASHING
the clothes, but not DRYING them.
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And, when Rodrick left the house to go to school
this morning, his clothes were still WET.
So he used his van to AIR-DRY his clothes on the
way to school.
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Unfortunately for Rodrick, that got the attention
of the POLICE, who pulled him over.
That’s why Mom made Dad call someone to fix the
washing machine. But I didn’t know the plumber was
in the house until I walked past the laundry room.
The guy must’ve known what he was DOING,
because he got the washing machine up and running.
But things ended kind of awkwardly when Manny
tried to pay the plumber using Mom’s credit card.
Wednesday
When I came home from school this afternoon,
there were a bunch of builders and heavy machinery
in our yard.
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I was super EXCITED, because that meant this
extension was finally happening for REAL.
A guy was using a digger to excavate the hole for
the foundations, and it was CRAZY to see how
POWERFUL that thing was.
Me and Rowley tried to dig a hole to China once,
&n
bsp; and we quit after a few hours. But if we could’ve
got our hands on one of THESE things we
might’ve actually pulled it off.
I’m wondering if the crew would let me take the
digger out for a SPIN. Because I could use it to
pull the most epic prank EVER at my school.
It was pretty hot today, and I think Mom felt
sorry for the guys who were working hard. So she
made some cold drinks and took them outside.
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It kind of backfired, though, because after
that the builders started coming inside to use the
toilet.
And when a line formed for the DOWNSTAIRS
toilet, the biggest guy on the construction crew
headed UPSTAIRS to find another one.
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And that guy was carrying a MAGAZINE, so I
got the feeling he wasn’t heading up there to go
and do a Number One.
I wanted to try and STOP him, so I pressed the
“test” button on the smoke detector to set it off.
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The builders all got out of our house pretty
QUICK, but they weren’t the ONLY ones who
thought there was an actual emergency.
MANNY thought so, too. And, when the smoke
detector went off, he threw all his stuffed animals out
of his bedroom window, then hopped on to the pile.
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Mom and Dad weren’t happy with me for the
smoke-detector thing, but I don’t think they
were crazy about the builders using our toilets,
EITHER. So this evening Mom ordered one of
those porta-potties for the work site, and now
everybody’s happy.
Friday
Yesterday the construction crew poured concrete for
the foundations, and today they started on the
framing for the extension. I thought it was pretty
cool seeing how everything was coming together.
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Unfortunately Dad noticed that I was interested
in what was happening outside, and that put an
IDEA into his head.
Dad said this project was a good opportunity for
me to learn from REAL professionals and to pick
up skills I could use down the road.
I wasn’t really on board with that plan, though.
Most of those builders look like they’ve got really
rough hands from working with all that heavy
equipment. But I use all sorts of lotions and
creams to make my hands nice and SOFT.
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And I’d like to KEEP them that way, because
my hands are my best feature.
But that was EXACTLY the wrong thing to tell
my dad, because it earned me a one-way ticket
outside.
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I don’t know why Dad sent ME out there and
not Rodrick. Manny actually wanted to go WITH
me, but Dad told him he was too YOUNG to
help. And Manny didn’t take it that well.
Dad told me I needed to find the person in
charge and see how I could pitch in. So I
asked around, and someone introduced me to the
FOREMAN, who was in his trailer.
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I guess the foreman was too busy to deal with
some middle-school kid, so he told me to go and
find a guy named Buddy and talk to HIM.
Well, Buddy was pretty easy to find, especially
since his name was tattooed on his forehead.
Buddy was working with some guys on the frames
for the walls, so I thought I’d start off by
telling them who I WAS. But they weren’t as
impressed as I THOUGHT they should be.
