A Day Late and a Dollar Short

by Terry McMillan

  But I wasn't. Lewis locked his arm through mine, and I couldn't tell if it was to keep me close or to stop me from getting up again. But I felt purged, like I had passed through something that had lightened the load I brought here. By the time I stopped shivering and was able to appreciate the breeze from Janelle's fan, I guess it was Lewis's turn to drop. All he did was be his usual pitiful self, 'cause he leaned forward while his eyes was glued up toward that plastic Jesus and started shaking his head back and forth, slower and slower, until he finally said, "What we gon' do now?" What a stupid-ass question. What we been doing? But since I had just barely pulled myself together and this didn't seem like the time or place to be criticizing, I kept my thoughts to myself.

  And Miss Keep-Her-Cool Paris shed a lotta tears, but it looked like she was controlling them, too. I ain't said one word to her since she got here, and she ain't uttered a single syllable to me neither. She got a lotta nerve, is all I can say. Of course she staying in a hotel, but Janelle and Shanice is sleeping in the girls' room with them. Through most of the service Janelle squeezed my hand and smudged the left shoulder of my navy-blue dress chocolate brown and red from her makeup, but I didn't mind.

  Al sat right behind us. Next to him was Lewis's lawyer. Paris almost had a stroke when her ex-husband showed up. Everybody, including Nathan, knew Mama couldn't stand him. Dingus was the one who called him. But then Nathan turned around and asked if I thought it would be okay for him to come. I told him I didn't see no reason why he shouldn't at least be there for his son. I have to be honest, the only real pleasure I done felt all day was watching Paris grinding her teeth and reaching in her purse to pop whatever kinda pills she taking, after she saw him.

  So many folks wanted to say goodbye to Mama that at the last minute we had to switch to a bigger church. Paris had a hissy-fit about that, too. But I took care of it. And everything went good. The choir sang some of the worst songs I done heard in a long time, but mosdy by friends who ain't seen her in at least thirty years, since she left Chicago, but they wanted to honor her by doing solos. That white lady Miss Loretta even came. She gave us all the biggest hug and she smelled good, like Shower-to-Shower powder, and when she told me how much I looked like Mama, her smile was just as warm as when she squeezed my arms. Now I see why she was Mama's friend. A few of her old boyfriends had some kind words to say. Daddy kept a frozen smile on his face and didn't blink once when they got up and started reminiscing about what it was about Mama that got their attention forty-some-odd years ago: Her pretty legs. Her deep smile. Her take- no-prisoners attitude. How far she could hit a ball. How fast she could run. How clean and fresh she always smelled. And one man thanked her for teaching him how to dream. Said he was a surgeon in D. C. After fifteen or twenty minutes, wasn't nobody listening to them. We even had to cut some of her close friends' speeches short, 'cause it's obvious when folks get dressed up and got a audience they get long-winded and you can't hardly get the microphone outta their hand.

  It had been raining for three days straight, so it was hot and sticky as I don't know what at the cemetery, and I couldn't watch 'em lower Mama into that damp ground. I didn't care how pretty everybody said that casket was. All I kept thinking was, How in the world is she gon' breathe in that thing down there? Deep down, I guess I been playing a game with myself. That I'll see her on her next trip to Chicago. That she's just going on a underground cruise instead of one on water. That she'll still get to see them islands and I can't wait for her to tell me all about it when she get back.

  I left everybody out there and went on back to the house to make sure everything was ready when the folks got there. Aunt Suzie didn't go to the funeral, but since she belonged to a Circle Group-which ain't nothing but a bunch of churchgoing old women who love going to funerals and don't care who died-she pretended like it was a stranger who had passed and stopped by to help out. They claim their whole purpose is to honor the dead, but it seemed like they really just came for the free food, 'cause they sure was killing it.

  I didn't know half the people that showed up. It musta been at least a hundred folks. It's times like this when I wished we had central air conditioning. Next house. She wasn't in here fifteen minutes when I heard Paris tell Al she might run to the store to buy some more fans, since everybody kept saying how hot it was. She love testing me. Everybody did look hot, but what the hell they expect? It's ninety degrees outside. It's Chicago. And it's June. I told Al to tell her to keep her American Express in her wallet, that we didn't need her charity. He just told her maybe they wouldn't stay as long; that they could cool off at home.

  I wished there was somewhere I coulda hid from all the kissy-huggy- too-much-makeup-and-perfume-wearing relatives I didn't remember, but Janelle seemed to. For the past two hours, all I been doing is watching folks eat and in between bites listening to 'em trying to get us to remember how much they remember about us: how many of our shitty diapers they changed; who was there when we took our first step; who burnt our ears and necks with smoking straightening combs and big bumper curlers; who saved us when we almost drowned in Lake Michigan. After a while, I did hide upstairs in my room, but Al found me and made me go back. A lot of people started leaving, 'cause the food was almost gone, and then some folks still begged for aluminum foil and paper plates. Janelle was running back and forth to the kitchen. Aunt Suzie Mae's friends was the last ones to go, 'cause I just came out and told 'em to please leave so family could be with family. Aunt Suzie, she went with 'em.

  Last night, relatives and friends who know our family tree stopped by to drop off all kinds of food. I'd spent the past two days cooking and cleaning myself. Had to-to stay busy and keep my mind off why I was doing all this in the first place. A little while ago, the dining-room table, kitchen counters, and all them rented tables was full of Tupperware bowls, roasters, and platters. You couldn't even see the nice lace tablecloths I had put on 'em. It musta been at least four or five hams over there, pots of collard greens, and fried chicken galore. I counted three bowls of potato salad, one coleslaw, and three twenty-pound turkeys, but somebody's dressing wasn't hitting on nothing, 'cause didn't nobody touch it. Some of them Pyrex dishes was still bubbling with macaroni-and-cheese and baked beans when we first set 'em out. I made two big pots of string beans: one with potatoes and one with ham hocks and okra. I even put out my good silver trays for hors d'ouevres: carrot and celery sticks, broccoli and cauliflower spears that nobody touched even though I put some Thousand Island dressing right next to it. Target had a special on white dish towels, which I used to hang over the edges of the bowls for the dinner rolls and cornbread squares. They been gone.

  We had two of every kind of cake you can think of: coconut cake; Seven- Up cake; red velvet cake; four pound cakes-one lemon, one almond; a nasty German-chocolate and a serious Sock-It-to-Me cake, which I cut in half and hid in the breadbox, 'cause it taste just the way Mama always make-I mean made-hers. A lotta people don't bother using a bundt pan or take the time to make the cinnamon, chopped-pecan, and brown-sugar filling, but whoever made this one knew what they was doing. The glaz e d ripping down the sides was pitch-perfect. I cut myself a thick slice, put it on a little paper plate, and put a napkin over it, hoping nobody would touch it. So far so good.

  The only thing we put out to drink was punch, 'cause people turn into alcoholics after funerals. I even used my good crystal and sterling bowls with a ladle and set out two extra cups for dipping. I dropped a mound of orange sherbet in one. Everybody was just sipping away, but I couldn't help but notice how many of them glasses landed on top of the bar so Al could add something to give that punch some punch. I sure need one now, which is why I pick my cake up and walk straight over to the bar. Al over there sleep in the recliner. I hope he spend the night. I don't want him to do nothing but hold me, and then he can leave when it's daylight, 'cause death is easier to deal with in the daytime. We ain't back together, but we ain't talked about the divorce since this happened. It's amazing how two tragic things can canc
el one out. But I ain't forgot.

  Right now I'm swiveling on this bar stool, pouring myself a double shot of scotch, nibbling on my cake, and watching the last of the folks leave. Janelle is at the front door playing hostess, thank God. The kids is still pretending like they know each other, but as soon as our eyes locked, they got that look of mourning in theirs even though they was horsing around. Dingus is standing over by the garage door talking to his daddy. Nathan look the same. Something good done happened to him, 'cause that's a Armani suit or my name ain't Charlotte. Dingus is taller than he is, and look just like him. How could he not be a daddy to this boy all this time? When I hear a voice I know belong to my sister say, "And what exacdy are you doing here, Nathan?" I swirl this stool all the way around to be nosy. They ain't paying no attention to me.

  "Dag, Ma. He came to offer his condolences like everybody else."

  "It's true, Paris, f came to show my respect. And I come in peace. Truly, I do." He bends over to give her a hug and her body twist and lock up like a piece a rope.

  "Who told you about Mama?"

  "I did," Dingus says.

  "I cannot believe that after all these years of not hearing from you that you would have the nerve to show up at my mothers funeral."

  Now I turn my back away from 'em and take my fork and cut another little slice off my Sock-It-to-Me cake. I guess she must be walking away, 'cause then Nathan say, "Wait a minute."

  "What?" Paris say, real nasty.

  "Will I get a chance to spend some time with you and Dingus while I'm here?"

  "With me and Dingus? You can spend as much time with Dingus as you want to in the next twenty-four hours, because that's when we're going home."

  "Well, the good news is I'm flying out to San Francisco for a week when I leave here to look for office space."

  I gotta see this, so I turn around again. She done stopped dead in her tracks and then she turns around to look him in the face. This is getting good.

  "Things have worked out well for me, Paris. I miss the Bay Area, and quite a few of my athletes are from California, so I thought this would be an opportune time to come back home to recruit and practice."

  "Home?"

  "Look, Paris. No need to jump up and down with joy right now, and under the circumstances I can see why you wouldn't be too keen to hear my good news, but there are a lot of things about me that have changed. For starters: I've grown up. My practice is booming. I'm an inch from making seven figures. I've even done the therapy thing. I'm a new man. A different man, but the same man you fell in love with."

  "Word up," Dingus says, and Paris hauls off and kicks his young stupid ass. I just pretend to be eating, but I ain't been able to swallow the last two bites.

  "If you so much as dial my number when you get to San Francisco, I will hire someone to blow your fucking brains out."

  "Ma?"

  "Shut up, Dingus!"

  "Well, it was worth a shot."

  "And Dingus," she say pointing to him, "you can love the one you're with if you want to, but just make sure you tell him that he'll have to buy a season pass to your games, and if he does, they better not be within spitting distance of mine."

  After she do her movie-star thing and storm off like she got the last say in the matter, Dingus and his daddy go on out to the garage. I'm about sick of her and her high-and-mighty role, like whatever Paris say is law. Like what she say is final. I've had it with her thinking she Queen of Sheba. Well, she don't run me. And since we ain't got no audience except for a few stragglers, and most of them is drunk anyway, and since don't nobody else seem to never have the nerve to tell her, I think it's time somebody put this bitch in her place. She walks right behind me to the kitchen, where she act like she getting ready to start cleaning up. I hop off this stool and follow her and set my little paper saucer down on the counter. "That was cold," I say.

  She do that Linda Blair thing from The Exorcist with her neck and says, "Who the hell do you think you're talking to, Charlotte?"

  "I'm looking at you."

  "No, you're not looking at me, you're gawking. And what I say to my ex- husband is my business, not yours."

  "That's true, but you ain't got no right telling Dingus how to deal with him. That's all I'm saying."

  "You've got some nerve. You haven't spoken to me since I got here and these are the first words you open your litde monologue with? Spare me."

  "You just always gotta be dramatic, don't you, Paris?"

  "Dramatic? Hah! First of all, who was it that put on a show at the funeral?"

  "That wasn't no damn show."

  "Yeah, well, you know what the old folks say, don't you?"

  "No, you tell me."

  "They say whoever yells the loudest is the one who feels the most guilt. And the reason you couldn't look at Mama was 'cause she'd be looking back at you, and you know you did some nasty shit to her that you never quite fixed, am I right?"

  "Fuck you, Paris. First of all, I ain't got nothing to feel guilty about. I loved Mama just as much as you and everybody else."

  "Nobody's doubting that, but I beg to differ with you on the guilt issue, little sis. First of all, you weren't even speaking to Mama when she died. You didn't bother to come out to see her when she was sick. You couldn't even manage to come out and help me and Janelle go through her things. And then you seem to have had this sense of enddement when it came to her furniture. Seems like all Charlotte really thinks about is Charlotte."

  "That's bullshit. First of all, I was speaking to Mama. I called her a couple of times but got her machine. So there, Miss Know-It-All. And Mama didn't need me out there because you always Johnny-on-the-spot, running to rescue her and every-fucking-body, so why should I break my neck when you do everything anyway?"

  "I do everything because I can't fucking depend on anybody else to do it. That's why."

  "You don't give nobody a chance."

  "Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself, would you? I'm so tired of this woe- is-me and Mama-didn't-love-me-as-much-as-she-did-you bullshit, I don't know what to do."

  "It's not bullshit. It's true. Mama always favored you."

  "Favored and loved are two different things."

  "Not in my book."

  "Okay, since we're telling it, I'll just say this. Who had to put all of you little son-of-a-bitches needs first, before I was even twelve years old? I was a goddamn mother before I even had my period! Mama showed me how to get things done and I got good at it. And . . ."

  "Just wait one . . ."

  "No, shut the hell up, Charlotte. I'm not finished, and this time you can't hang up in my face. I can't help it if you decided to get married and have kids and skip college and I didn't. Why do you hate me because I did what Mama wanted all of us to do? It's not my fucking fault you took a route that didn't manage to upstage me or any of us. It was never a contest, Charlotte. In case you didn't know that. So-you're pissed at the wrong people. You should be pissed at yourself."

  "Ain't nobody jealous of your ass. Don't give yourself that much credit."

  "Then why do you always make it seem like everything I do in my life is meant to outshine you? Huh? I want you to be just as happy and successful as me and every-fucking-body else! Why wouldn't I? All I'm trying to do is live my life. I mean, I used to sleep in the same bed with you. Bathe you. Comb your hair. Keep you warm at night. And now you talk to me with so much hostility in your voice that I can't believe we grew up together. You act like you're the one who always got the short end of the stick when you know damn well Mama loved you, and I love your stupid ass, too, even though you keep hanging up in my face every time we have a disagreement. Do you know how humiliating it is to have a misunderstanding with your own fucking sister and she always hangs up in your face after she says what she has to say, but is never interested in hearing your side? It's such a cop- out. It's so unfair. And childish as hell. But it's also a very safe place to be."

  "Yeah, well, how safe is it running around trying to act li
ke you perfect, like you ain't got no problems, like you got everything under control? And then you got that perfect son, too."

  "I have never tried to act like I'm perfect, or that my son is. Mama's the guilty party there, and I wish you would understand that."

  "Yeah, well, she sure did a good job of it."

  "I'm not Mama, Charlotte! And stop acdng like she did it on purpose, because she didn't!"

  "Well, how come we don't never hear about your problems?"

  "Because I don't blab 'em all over the place."

  "I'm your fucking sister, bitch. If you can't tell 'em to me and Janelle, then who can you talk to?"

  "Maybe. . ."

  "Now you shut the hell up. The real deal is, you want everybody to think you so together 'cause you make all that fucking money, which you good at throwing in our face every chance you get, just 'cause you can take trips and buy a Mercedes or a Lexus or whatever the fuck you drive, and your son gets letters from all kinds of universities, but, hey, Paris, you ain't got everything under control, 'cause you ain't fooling me. Exacdy what kinda pills is them you been popping all day anyway? Huh? They damn sure ain't no Advil o r n o Tylenol. Janelle told me they was prescription. You got a problem with pain? Or just pills? Stressed out about something, Paris? Why don't you tell your little sister what it is? You lonely? Wish you had a husband? Is it something your money can't fix, is that it?"

  "Fuck you, Charlotte. What kind of pills I take is my business, and, for your information, I'm not lonely and, whatever the reasons, it's nothing I can't handle."

  "Yeah, well, we'll see, won't we? Miss Fucking Perfect!"

  "I wish you would stop calling me that!"

  "Mama always thought you was perfect, and you think you know everything and go around acting like can't nobody do nothing right except you. That's how you always been, Paris. You just gotta run the whole goddamn show, and you don't give nobody credit for nothing they do."