Broken Wings

by Weis, Alexandrea

  “Options?”

  “Pamela, you have lupus and that immediately puts you into a high-risk category as far as pregnancy is concerned. You are forty-one and have compromised kidneys. Your body would be very stressed if you were to carry a child to term. I’m not an obstetrician, and if you are pregnant, we’re going to have to get you in to see a physician who deals with high-risk pregnancies very soon.” He paused and frowned slightly. “That is if you would want to keep it?”

  Pamela’s jaw fell. Her body slumped forward on the exam table. “I haven’t considered being pregnant, much less whether or not I would have an abortion,” she said as shook her head. “I don’t put animals to sleep, Dr. Derbois, so I cannot even fathom doing that to a child.”

  He nodded his head slightly. “Then you need to be aware there are significant risks with someone with your history. You could miscarry, or you could deliver a premature baby, or even a sick child who would need to stay for an extended period in a neo natal intensive care unit. Then there are the problems you may encounter because of your pregnancy. You may need help with household chores, activities of daily living, and caring for your animal sanctuary. And after the baby is born, you may still not be well enough to care for your infant. Women with lupus do deliver healthy children, but your body has been through a great deal, Pamela, and a pregnancy may just push it over the edge.”

  Pamela felt her world suddenly shrinking around her. A baby? How would she manage her facility and a child?

  “I’d like to go ahead and put a rush on that pregnancy test so we can either rule it out or begin to deal with it right away,” he told her as he patted her knee. “Why don’t you go upstairs to the lab and get your blood work done. Then go get a bite to eat, and come back to see me in about two hours. I‘ll have the results back by then.”

  * * * *

  Three hours later, Pamela was in an elevator climbing to the twentieth floor of the P&L building. As her head swarmed with scenario after scenario presented by her physician, Pamela knew the rest of her life had been irrevocably changed. She realized she could not have this child on her own; she needed help. And there was only one person she could turn to.

  “I’d like to see Robert Patrick, please,” Pamela said to a very young, redheaded girl seated behind the desk in Bob’s reception area.

  “Your name please, hon?” the girl asked in a thick New Orleans accent.

  “Tell him Pamela is here,” she said, trying to control her anxious voice.

  “Ya’ gotta’ last name, sweetheart?”

  “Just tell him Pamela. He’s expecting me.”

  Less than two minutes later, Bob appeared, bounding through the main doors that led to the attorney’s private offices. He looked Pamela over and his face filled with apprehension. “What is it?” he asked.

  She walked up to his side. “We need to talk,” she calmly stated.

  Bob turned back to the girl at the front desk. “Maureen, tell Edna to hold all of my calls,” he directed and placed his arm about Pamela’s waist.

  He walked her through the main doors and down the hall to his expansive office. Once Pamela stepped into the room she felt a fleck of disappointment that the lovely shades of yellow and white she had painstakingly decorated his office in had been replaced by bold brown and taupe tones. She took in the pictures and assorted comic book memorabilia on the walls. An avid collector of comic books since his grade school days, Bob had mounted and framed many of his prized pieces for display in his office. The plain square walnut desk and dark brown chairs standing in front of it sharply contrasted with the colorful comic books hanging on the walls. It reminded Pamela of Bob in a way, a cold businessman on the outside and a selfish child on the inside.

  Bob saw her taking in the décor as he shut the door behind them. “Clarissa redecorated my office soon after we got married,” he explained as he waved his hand about the large room. “The comic books I just recently added to get rid of her paintings of horses. She has a thing for horses. Even had them painted all over the walls of our dining room.” He walked across the room to her side. “I felt like I was in a bad Western movie every time we had to eat in that room.” He took her hand. “Jesus, you’re shaking,” he whispered as he looked into her face. “What is it, Pamela?” he asked.

  Pamela swallowed her pride and raised her head to him. “Does your offer still stand?” she inquired in a firm tone.

  Bob gave a slow, victorious smile. “Now you want my help,” he mused as he left her side and went over to his desk. He stopped and rested his hip against the dark wood. “Yes, my offers still stands,” he answered as he folded his arms over his chest. “Marry me and I will take care of your little sanctuary forever. I will let you live your life as long as you let me live mine. We will be seen at parties together and will present a happy home front. I need a wife who is intelligent and can improve my social standing. I have political aspirations and Clarissa was a bit of a liability.”

  Pamela nodded. “All right. But there is one other thing.”

  Bob clapped his hands triumphantly. “Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

  “I’m pregnant. It’s Daniel’s and I have no intention of getting rid of it.” She watched as Bob’s smile fell. “I want to know that if anything happens to me that you will raise this child and give it everything it deserves.”

  “Jesus Christ, Pamela!” Bob shouted, standing from his desk. “You were warned by all those doctors in Dallas about getting pregnant when you were first diagnosed. They told us it could be dangerous.”

  “I didn’t plan this, Bob. But now that I’m faced with the prospect of a child I will have to make some compromises. This child will need a father and I want your word that you will raise it as your own.”

  Bob reflected for a moment. “And what about the biological father? Are you going to tell him?”

  “Daniel left and I don’t know where he has gone. He obviously doesn’t want me to find him and I will abide by his wishes. If you agree, I will tell everyone the child is yours.”

  “I never wanted a kid, Pamela, but now that I’m considering running for office, a kid might just be the thing I need to look like a legitimate family man to voters. And it would help to convince all the gossips out there that our marriage is legit. We got back together because of your impending delivery.” He clapped his hands. “This actually might turn out better than I had hoped,” he happily confessed.

  Pamela stood as stiff as a board in front of him. Her life was crumbling around her and there was nothing she could do to save it. She fought to keep the tears from her eyes. She could never let Bob see how much this was ripping her apart.

  “You know you won’t be able to take care of the wildlife while pregnant,” Bob told her.

  She gave a curt nod of her head. “Dr. Derbois has already informed me of that. If you agree, I’ll need money to hire someone to oversee the place, at least until after the baby comes,” she stated, trying not to let her voice sound strained by her emotions.

  “I’ll foot the bill for whatever you need,” he agreed as he walked over to her side. “In the meantime, get things settled at the facility, and then you’ll have to come and live with me. I’ll get you an engagement ring before you move in to make it look good.”

  “I don’t need—”

  “We need to make this look convincing, Pamela,” Bob interrupted. “Just leave all of the arrangements to me,” he insisted with a smile.

  She bit down on her lower lip and turned to go.

  “This must be killing you,” he said behind her. “I know just how much you want to tell me to shove this deal up my ass, but you can’t now, can you?”

  She stopped at the door to his office but did not turn to look at him “Dr. Derbois made it very clear that this pregnancy is not a good idea. And no matter how much it hurts to ask, I’m going to need help. I have no one else to turn to, Bob. And despite what I may think of you, my feelings aren’t important anymore. I have someone else’s needs to
consider now.” She reached for the door handle.

  “Did you love him?” Bob asked from across the room.

  Pamela wiped away the tears from her eyes. She had never used that word before to describe her feelings for Daniel, and hearing them coming from the man she had just sold her soul to made her feel like dirt.

  She turned and faced Bob, keeping her head held high. “Never mention him to me again, Bob. You keep your secrets, and I’ll keep mine.” She opened the door and quickly marched out of his office.

  * * * *

  Carol was waiting on the porch with Ian when Pamela pulled up right before dark. Carol came flying down the steps to her side.

  “I’ve called your cell phone about five times in the past hour,” she frantically declared. “Where have you been?”

  “Is everything all right?” Pamela asked.

  “Everything’s fine. I wanted to know what Dr. Derbois said,” Carol admitted.

  Pamela stared into her friend’s face and could not summon the courage to tell her the truth just yet. Carol would fight tooth and nail to keep Pamela from selling herself to Bob. All of her life, Carol had admired Pamela like a big sister. Pamela had been there when Carol had gone on her first date, gotten her driver’s license, graduated high school, graduated college, and started her first job. All the milestones in life that define one’s progress into adulthood, Pamela had shared with Carol. But how could she explain to her that compromise and giving up one’s dreams for the benefit of another were life lessons that she may come to know with time? Carol was young and still viewed life as a vast ocean of possibilities. She had not yet learned that some mistakes could sink you below the waves of that ocean and strand you beneath the cold, dark, depths of despair.

  “He thinks it’s the flu,” Pamela said coolly to Carol. “He said it should pass in a few days,” she reassured her.

  “Whew!” she waved an overly dramatic hand across her brow. “Had me scared there for a moment. I was so worried I called Ian to come over after work and wait with me.”

  “She’s been pacin’ around here like an alley cat outside a chicken coop,” Ian told her.

  “Why don’t you and Ian go on home,” Pamela insisted as she patted Carol’s arm. “I’m feeling better and I’m sure you guys want to get out of here.”

  Carol’s face filled with delight. “All right,” Carol called out. She turned to Ian. “Why don’t we go grab a bite to eat, then you can take me back to your place and ravish me.”

  Pamela could not help but laugh as she watched Ian turn three different shades of red.

  Carol went running up the steps into Ian’s arms, laughing like a schoolgirl at recess. Pamela knew she had made the right decision not to say anything to Carol. It was her burden and passing her worry to someone else’s shoulders would not have alleviated her despair; it would have only compounded it.

  Pamela watched as Ian’s red pick-up truck and Carol’s green Sentra sped down her drive to the main road. She wrapped her arms about her body as if to stave off a chill in the air, despite the warm and muggy feel of the coming night. She turned back to her house and studied the place she had called home for the past six years. Her heart plummeted with the heaviness of a soldier about to set off for battle. But this battle would not be waged on the open fields of some foreign land. It would take place inside of her. She knew that from this moment on every day would be a constant battle to quell her wants, her needs, her dreams, all for the sake of her unborn child.

  * * * *

  Two days later, Bob showed up at her doorstep, carrying an assortment of shopping bags filled to the brim with books on pregnancy, swatches of decorative wallpaper, vitamins, and bottles of fresh fruit juices. He carried bag after bag into the house, smiling and laughing all the while.

  “I’ve been on the phone with doctors and decorators for the past two days,” he chirped happily as he set some of the books down on her coffee table. “I got several books on pregnancy for you to start reading.” He picked up the different colored fabric swatches and held them out to her. “I’ve got the baby’s room picked out at my house and I called Linda, my decorator. She sent over these swatches of wallpaper to choose from for the nursery. We can either wait until we know the sex of the baby and pick out the corresponding color, or Linda said we might want to go with a generic color and not be tied down by pink or blue. I already found you the best high-risk obstetrician in the city,” he went on as he pulled a slip of paper out of his trouser pocket. “I made an appointment for Friday at eleven and I can take you there, if you want,” he offered as he handed her the paper.

  Pamela felt her eyes grow wide with surprise. “You’d want to go to the doctor’s office with me?”

  “I thought it might be something we should do together,” he told her as he turned from her and back to the shopping bags. “I bought prenatal vitamins, lots of fruit juice—the books say that’s good for you—and I got a surprise.” He went over to one of the bags and pulled out a small stuffed white lamb. “What do you think? I figured we could start collecting toys for the baby,” he added, handing her the little lamb.

  Pamela stared at Bob for several seconds before she regained her composure. “I…I can’t believe this,” she said, stumbling over her words as she looked from Bob to the shopping bags filling her coffee table and couch. “You did all of this? It’s almost as if you’re excited about this baby.”

  “I am!” Bob yelled. He walked over to her side. “I never thought I would be, but after you left the other day, I began to think about you and me and a baby and suddenly, I was happy.” He paused and smiled, beaming with pride. “I figured that maybe a baby would be pretty damn great for both of us.”

  “I can’t believe this, Bob.” She gazed at him with a newfound wonder. “I’ve never seen this side of you. I always thought you never wanted children.”

  “I didn’t.” He shrugged. “And I have to admit after you left my office I was mad. I was absolutely furious over the thought of raising another man’s child, but then I thought about it. I remembered when my sister, Vannie, adopted her little girl from China a few years ago. She was so excited, and loves that little girl so much. Vannie once told me that genes don’t make a child yours, you do. So I called her that night after you left my office and we had a long talk about you and the baby. My big sister made me realize that I’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and I would be a fool not to embrace it.”

  Pamela felt a small shudder of relief pass through her body. That Bob was willing to accept and love her child seemed to lighten her burden. At least she knew that the child would always be cared for, no matter what happened to her.

  “Vannie told me what books to get, and what doctor to call and,” he waved a hand over the coffee table, “all the rest.” He reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a small blue velvet box. “And I got this today,” he announced as he handed her the box. “I want to make it official as soon as possible.”

  Pamela took the box from his hand and opened it. Inside was a very large emerald cut diamond solitaire set in gold and surrounded on either side by two smaller similarly cut green emeralds. Pamela’s heart fell to her knees when she saw the ring. She recalled the first time Bob had given her an engagement ring and how excited she had been. This time the emotions that clouded her mind were not happy ones. Instead, she felt a numbing chill permeate her body. The cold winter of reality settled over her like an impenetrable fog. Resigning herself to her fate, Pamela took the ring from the box and placed it on the third finger of her left hand.

  “I remembered your size,” Bob said as he admired the ring. “And I remembered how much you always loved emeralds,” he added with a smile.

  Like a building snowdrift covering the last red rose of fall, Pamela felt her doubt being forever silenced by the steady heartbeat of the child growing inside of her.

  Chapter 15

  “You have got to be kidding me!” Carol screamed.

  She was standing in the
middle of Pamela’s renovated barn, glaring at the engagement ring on Pamela’s hand. Pamela had kept the ring in its blue box tucked away in her dresser drawer for the past two weeks. But as the deadline for leaving her little sanctuary for Bob’s sprawling mansion loomed ahead of her, she knew that eventually she would have to break the news to Carol. Today had seemed like the right day.

  “Bob!” Carol yelled. “Asshole Bob. You’re gonna’ marry asshole Bob?”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t call him that anymore,” Pamela suggested as she pulled her hand away from Carol.

  “I don’t understand. Why are you doing this? So what if Imelda packed up all her shoes and left the son of a bitch! You told me before that you turned him down and now you’re going to marry him? You don’t have to marry him just to save this wildlife facility,” Carol argued. “We can still find the money to get Bob off the note. I can sell my place and move in here with you, that way you could take the money and pay off—”

  Pamela silenced her with a wave of her hand. “I could never allow you to do that. I told you before I’ll never make this place your burden. Besides that house was left to you by your mother when she died, and I loved both your parents way too much to even consider having you do that.”

  “Oh, but you can go off and marry a man you detest to save your sanctuary,” Carol balked. “Do you think I can honestly stand by and let you give yourself to that…that…asshole?”

  Pamela sighed and placed a tender hand upon Carol’s shoulder. “It’s not about saving this place Carol,” she said as she turned away. “There are other things I need to consider now.”

  “What other things?” Carol asked behind her.

  Pamela took in the freshly painted white walls of her renovated barn. “My health for one. I can’t go on running this facility on my own, and I need to make sure there will be someone to take over for me should the day come when I can’t, or won’t, be here to run it.”

  Carol came up alongside of her. “But you’ve always said you never wanted to have Bob get control of this place. You told me you were afraid of what he would turn it into.”