Saints+Sinners

by Saints

  But he never came around.

  The drugs had fucked him up. He’d had a seizure in the spa and taken too much water into his lungs. Fucking irony for a fucking Navy diver. He just fucking slipped away from Herc, from all of us…

  [Interview paused at subject’s request]

  [Time stamp: 19:34]

  * * *

  [Interview resumed]

  [Time stamp: 19:55]

  I was released the next morning to the base hospital, then sent back to barracks that night. Nothing major, just a concussion and a couple of stitches. We’d all had much worse.

  The military machine had already swung into gear by then. All of the guys had either been interviewed or were in the process. I spoke quietly with each of the guys, out of earshot of Herc. I pieced the story together. He did, too.

  The next morning, a rookie cadet came by and took Phemus’ gear away. We never saw him again after that. He was quickly and quietly transferred to a ship in Western Australia.

  The following year, I heard that Phemus put a barrel of pure smack [heroin] in his arm and never woke up. God have mercy on his worthless fucking, good-for-nothing soul.

  Preparations continued for our deployment. Two guys were drafted from another CDT to take the places of Hylas and Phemus. Like anyone could. They felt very uncomfortable. But full credit to them, they sucked it up and got down to the job. They made sure they reminded us regularly about their fucking wives, though.

  The day before we shipped out they held the funeral. It went as well as could be expected, I suppose. At the service, Heracles gave a brief speech on Hylas’ life and Navy career. He edited himself out of that speech, though. They gave the folded flag and medals to his mother, who wept quietly. She’d never known about her son. So, she’d never known about Herc and what they’d shared.

  The Navy chaplain gave Herc just one item from Hylas’ gear before it all went to his mother. It was a ring that Herc had apparently given Hylas just before we headed off on that fateful weekend in Sydney.

  It was a wedding band—three thin layers of gold, white gold and rose gold—much like the Russian wedding bands that are popular with the fucking breeders nowadays. But this one had a knot fashioned out of gold connecting the three narrow bands. Herc had a matching one, although he’d never had the chance to wear it. I think it was supposed to be the knot that bound Heracles and Hylas together.

  When I think of Hylas nowadays, I always think back to that line from that fucking movie, Bladerunner: “The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long.” I finally watched that movie from beginning to end. Twice. After that line, the guy also says: “And you have burned so very, very brightly.”

  And Hylas did. He really fucking did.

  We shipped out to [Redacted].

  Herc led us into the field, into the water, and into battle. He was a different man now, though. He’d been a hero before, but now he was reckless. It was like he wanted to die. He never put anyone else in the unit in danger—ever—yet he put himself in harm’s way. And often.

  Herc led a record twelve missions while we were in [Redacted], all of them successful. He had more scars now, but he survived. And he brought us all safely back home again. I really think he wanted to die over there in [Redacted]. He wanted a soldier’s death. But I guess—and I’m very fucking glad—that wasn’t to be his fate.

  Our unit didn’t stay together long after we got back.

  Guys transferred out, new guys transferred in, most of them straight. The heart had gone out of the team with Hylas’ death. And Herc’s light had dimmed. He eventually came back from the edge, though; came back into the world.

  And I was there waiting for him.

  I can say this all now because this will be our last tour. Herc will confirm it. We’re getting out of the Navy at the end of the year.

  I’d loved Heracles from a distance for so very long.

  One day he saw it in my eyes. I waited. I’m a patient cunt. Amongst the many things Herc taught me was patience.

  One day, Herc started talking to me. I mean, really talking, to me and with me. And the next day, and then the one after that.

  Then one night, he took me into his bed.

  I just held him. This man—this soldier—who had saved countless civilians and fellow soldiers, who had served his country with honour through so many tours; I held his scar-covered body.

  Then one day he took me into his heart. We’ve been together ever since.

  When we finish up with the Navy, we’re heading up north to Cairns in Far North Queensland. We’re both “twenty-year men” now. We have our savings and the pension we’ll each get. We’ve put a deposit on a small cruiser called the “Argo.” We’re going to take people out diving on the reef. Fags and dykes, mostly, but the invitation will be open to whoever can cough up the money and refrain from pissing us off.

  Herc says I need to stop paying out on other gay men so much. I just give him a fucking shit-eating smile. Then I tell him to stop talking like a fucking fag and to go fuck himself.

  * * *

  I swore Heracles an oath that I would never leave him, that only an enemy would take me from his side. So far, I’ve been lucky. And we only have this deployment in [Redacted] to get through now.

  I know he’ll never be all mine, though.

  There’s a part of him—a part of his soul—with a very high fucking wall around it. In that compound of his heart, he keeps the shining memory of Hylas; always beautiful, always smiling, always ready with a kind word and a helping hand. Always young. I know that Hylas is Heracles’ great love, and his great tragedy.

  But what Herc and I have is real, it is enduring, and it will be my honour to serve by his side until the day I fucking die. He’s taught me to regret nothing, to live and to love. He even tells me from time to time that I might learn to love myself one day. I usually tell him to fuck off.

  My name is Nester Prusa. And this is the truth—my truth—the whole truth, and nothing but the fucking truth.

  [Interview concluded]

  [Time stamp: 21:15]

  Contributor Bios

  Maureen Brady is the author of eight books, including the novels, Getaway, Folly and Ginger’s Fire, and the short story collection, The Question She Put to Herself. Her stories and essays have appeared in Sinister Wisdom; Bellevue Literary Review; Just Like A Girl; Southern Exposure; Cabbage and Bones: An Anthology of Irish American Women’s Fiction; and Banff Writers, among others. Her short story, “Basketball Fever,” won the 2015 Saints and Sinners short fiction contest. She has long served as President of the Money for Women Fund.

  Louis Flint Ceci is an author, educator, and retired software engineer. His published works include poems, short stories, autobiographical essays, and a novel, as well as scholarly works on poetics, linguistics, and artificial neural networks. He is a masters swimmer, winning two silver medals and a bronze at Gay Games 10 in Paris in 2018. He won the gold medal in the Poetic Justice poetry slam at the 2002 Gay Games in Sydney, and was inducted into the Saints and Sinners Hall of Fame in 2017. He lives in Nevada City, California.

  Lewis DeSimone is the author, most recently, of the satirical comedy Channeling Morgan (Beautiful Dreamer Press). His previous novels include Chemistry and The Heart’s History, cited in several “Best of 2012” lists. His work has also appeared in a number of journals and anthologies, including Christopher Street, Chelsea Station, Best Gay Love Stories: Summer Flings, Best Gay Romance 2014, My Diva: 65 Gay Writers on the Women Who Inspire Them, and Not Just Another Pretty Face. He blogs at lewisdesimoneblog.wordpress.com.

  Jamieson Findlay is the author of two novels, The Blue Roan Child The Summer of Permanent Wants, both published by Doubleday Canada. He is a past winner of the City of Ottawa (Canada) Book Award for fiction. A science writer by trade, he currently makes his home in Chelsea, Quebec. His enthusiasms are skiing, writing, trying different microbrewery beers and playing guitar with his musical group Buskers for Tuskers, whic
h raises money for elephant and rhino conservation.

  J. Marshall Freeman is a writer, musician, and graphic designer. His young adult adventure novel, Teetering was published in 2016. He is currently seeking a publisher for his queer YA fantasy novel, The Dubious Gift of Dragon Blood, for which he received a Toronto Arts Council grant. His story, “Curo the Filthmonger,” won the Saints+Sinners 2017 Fiction Contest, and he was a finalist in 2018. Mr. Freeman proudly wears epithets thrown at him online, including Tree-hugger, and Social Justice Warrior. www.jmarshallfreeman.com

  Michael Graves is the author of the novel Parade. He also composed Dirty One, a debut collection of short stories. This book was a Lambda Literary Award Finalist and an American Library Association Honoree. Michael’s fiction and poetry have been featured in numerous literary publications, including Post Road, Pank, Storgy Magazine and Chelsea Station Magazine. He is a Pushcart Prize nominee. Connect with Michael on Twitter: @MGravesAuthor. Visit his official website: www.michaelgravesauthor.com.

  Stephen Greco’s most recent novel, Now and Yesterday, was featured in Vanity Fair and praised by Kirkus as “a book about big ideas.” His stories have appeared in Men on Men, Flesh and the Word, and other anthologies. Greco wrote the app Peter and the Wolf in Hollywood, narrated by Alice Cooper, and Peter and the Wolf in Hollywood: The Live Show, premiered in 2017 at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. His interactive show InsideRisk: Ombres de Medellin (Shadows of Medellin) debuted on Swiss TV in November, 2018.

  J.R. Greenwell is a playwright and author from Cox’s Creek, Kentucky. His books include In a Whirl of Delusion (2018), and Who the Hell is Rachel Wells? (2013), both published by Chelsea Station Editions. His memoir, Teased Hair and the Quest for Tiaras, (www.jrgreenwellmga79.com) chronicles his journey to become Miss Gay America 1979. J.R. has been making the annual trek to the Saints and Sinners Festival since 2010, and attributes his literary success to networking and learning from the incredible authors and publishers who also attend.

  Jonathan Harper is the author of the short story collection Daydreamers (Lethe Press), which was a Kirkus Review’s Indie Book of the Year for 2015. His writing has been featured in such places as The Rumpus, The Rappahannock Review, Big Lucks, and Chelsea Station. He received his MFA from American University and lives in Northern Virginia.

  W.L. Hodge is a writer from Austin, Texas. His fiction focuses on matters of religion, culture, and identity, issues he confronted growing up gender-dysphoric and Catholic in the suburbs of Fort Worth. In his spare time W.L. works 100 hours a week as the owner of an architecture firm. His short story “Stockyards Harlot” was the runner-up in the 2018 Saints and Sinners Short Fiction Contest and he recently completed his first novel, Sister Jack, from which this year’s submission is excerpted.

  Aaron Hughes is an emerging gay writer from Melbourne, Australia, who has had short stories published in several Australian literary journals, and has been the recipient of several writing prizes. He has a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, and a Diploma of Professional Writing and Editing. He has a background in LGBTI community services, and is currently working in the university sector. Aaron writes across a variety of genres, and takes his inspiration from great storytellers, such as Dan Simmons, Anne Rice, and Clive Barker.

  Daniel M. Jaffe is an internationally published fiction writer, essayist, and literary translator. He’s author of the novels Yeled Tov, The Genealogy of Understanding (Rainbow Award finalist and honorable mention), and The Limits of Pleasure (Foreword Magazine Book of the Year Award finalist), as well as the collection, Jewish Gentle and Other Stories of Gay-Jewish Living. Daniel teaches in the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. Read more at www.DanielJaffe.com.

  William Christy Smith lives in New Orleans and has been to every Saints and Sinners Literary Festival except the first one. He is a library and museum professional and works at the Jefferson Parish Public Library. He holds an undergraduate degree in English from Westminster College, Fulton, Mo., a master’s degree in Liberal Arts from the University of Chicago, and a master’s degree in Arts Administration from the University of New Orleans.

  Karelia Stetz-Waters publishes across genres and prides herself on erotic and uncompromising portrayals of lesbian sex and sexuality. She is also committed to writing happy endings. She publishes with Sapphire Books, Ooligan Press, and the Forever Yours imprint at Grand Central Publishing. She is repped by Jane Dystel of Dystel, Goderich, & Bourret. Her novels include Worth the Wait, The Admirer, and Forgive Me If I’ve Told You This Before. Karelia teaches college writing and lives in Oregon with her beloved wife. More at www.kareliastetzwaters.com.

  Michael H. Ward received a B.A. and M.A. in English Literature from the University of Nebraska at Omaha, taught at the University of Maryland’s Overseas Program and Tuskegee Institute in Alabama. Later he trained in New York City to become a psychotherapist and practiced privately in Boston for nearly forty years. Upon retirement he wrote The Sea Is Quiet Tonight, a memoir of his relationship with Mark Halberstadt, who died of AIDS in 1984. He is currently working on a family memoir.

  About the Editors

  Tracy Cunningham retired after 25 years in education, having taught English, creative writing, and journalism, and entered the field of non-profit event planning and management. She holds a B.A. in English Education, a master’s degree in English, and a master’s degree in Educational Leadership. She has been a national speaker and writing workshop leader for the National Writing Project, and is the Co-Director of the New Orleans Writing Marathon. She is managing director of the Tennessee Williams/New Orleans Literary Festival. Her writing has appeared in Louisiana Literature and in various anthologies and radio shows from the New Orleans Writing Marathon.

  Paul J. Willis has over 23 years of experience in non-profit management. He earned a B.S. degree in Psychology and a M.S. degree in Communication. He started his administrative work in 1992 as the co-director of the Holos Foundation in Minneapolis. The Foundation operated an alternative high school program for at-risk youth. Willis has been the executive director of the Tennessee Williams/New Orleans Literary Festival since 2004. He is the founder of the Saints and Sinners Literary Festival (established in 2003). Current fascinations include the French ice-dancing duo of Gabriella Papadakis & Guillaume Cizeron; the artwork of Timothy Cummings; getting new tattoos and Eurovision 2019.

  Our Finalist Judge

  Jeff Mann grew up in Covington, Virginia, and Hinton, West Virginia, receiving degrees in English and forestry from West Virginia University. He’s published five books of poetry, Bones Washed with Wine, On the Tongue, Ash: Poems from Norse Mythology, A Romantic Mann, and Rebels; two collections of personal essays, Edge: Travels of an Appalachian Leather Bear and Binding the God: Ursine Essays from the Mountain South; a book of poetry and memoir, Loving Mountains, Loving Men; six novels, Fog, Purgatory, Cub, Salvation, Country, and Insatiable; and three volumes of short fiction, Consent, Desire and Devour, and A History of Barbed Wire. With Julia Watts, he coedited LGBTQ Fiction and Poetry from Appalachia. The winner of two Lambda Literary Awards and four National Leather Association International awards, he teaches creative writing at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. Follow him at jeffmannauthor.com.

  Our Cover Artist

  Timothy Cummings, represented by Catharine Clark Gallery in San Francisco and Nancy Hoffman Gallery in New York, journeyed to a French Quarter pied-à-terre overlooking Armstrong Park this fall (2017) provided as part of a My Good Judy Residency. The My Good Judy Foundation provides residencies for artists seeking to produce a body of work or performance in New Orleans that address culture making from an LGBTQ perspective. “Much of the inspiration for these portraits is from being in close proximity to the spirits of my favorite writers, Tennessee Williams and Truman Capote. They shaped my early adolescence. They offer a magical telling of the spirit of this place. The darkness and humor of life and the queer Southern aesthetic shows up in my work as well. Williams’ “garrulous grotesque”,
replacing the bleak mundane of the world with a lush queer poetic eye for the shadows is part of my focus,” Cummings said. You can see more of Timothy’s work at timothy-cummings.com.

  Saints + Sinners Literary Festival

  The first Saints and Sinners Literary Festival took place in May of 2003. The event started as a new initiative designed as an innovative way to reach the community with information about HIV/AIDS. It was also formed to bring the LGBT community together to celebrate the literary arts. Literature has long nurtured hope and inspiration, and has provided an avenue of understanding. A steady stream of LGBT novels, short stories, poems, plays, and non-fiction works has served to awaken lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and transgendered persons to the existence of others like them; to trace the outlines of a shared culture; and to bring the outside world into the emotional passages of LGBT life.

  After the Stonewall Riots in New York City, gay literature finally came “out of the closet.” In time, noted authors such as Dorothy Allison, Michael Cunningham, and Mark Doty (all past Saints’ participants) were receiving mainstream award recognition for their works. But there are still few opportunities for media attention of gay-themed books, and decreasing publishing options. This Festival helps to ensure that written work from the LGBT community will continue to have an outlet, and that people will have access to books that will help dispel stereotypes, alleviate isolation, and provide resources for personal wellness.