Guarded Heart (Dubicki's)

by Andres, Lisa

  “Jesse, I appreciate your offer, but I can take care of myself.” Hiccup.

  “What about my offer to get to know each other? Will you at least think about it? And Carissa, I mean this in the nicest way, but I have to make sure you get home safe. So I’m going to walk you or I’m going to drive you or call a cab for you. The choice is yours.”

  “Fine,” she said, her speech audibly slurred while silently fighting to maintain her balance in her high heels.

  Carissa turned in an effort to walk away, internally hoping she’d lose him. He might be a hottie, but no good ever came of her relationships with men. Within a few steps later, her heel got caught in the sidewalk, and she tripped. She groaned as she fell to the sidewalk which she came into contact with hard and fast. Her stomach was not responding well to all the activity, and suddenly she felt sick. Very sick. The last thing she remembered was heaving in the grass on her hands and knees. Then everything went black.

  ***

  She woke in the pitch black, and her head was spinning. She let out a sound that was somewhere between a groan and a mewling noise. Then she felt someone stir beside her and screamed as she tried to gain ground by moving herself away from whatever or whoever it was. Having a stranger in her bed brought back memories. Bad ones. She used to have night terrors and did not want anyone near her when that happened. It hadn’t happened in years, or so she thought. She didn’t want the night they resurfaced to be tonight.

  “Carissa, it’s me, Jesse. I’m sorry to scare you,” he said as he reached out to place a hand on her forearm to assure her she was safe and he was there.

  Her heart started to race with the realization that she was in a stranger’s home. Suddenly the previous night’s events started to replay in her mind right up until she fell on the grass. She couldn’t remember anything after that. She suddenly felt ashamed and sick. She wanted to be in her own bed, in her own home.

  “What the hell am I doing here, Jesse?” she said, the pitch of her voice rising as she wiped her eyes in disbelief.

  “Carissa, try to calm down. You were sick and passed out. I didn’t exactly know where you live, so I brought you back to my place. I live in the apartment just above Dubicki’s, so it’s not like we traveled far.”

  Her head started to pound as she began to digest her irresponsible behavior. To add to it, now she felt a bit violated. Her mouth started to taste sour, and she nearly choked as the memories of her past rose to the surface. She didn’t want to get sick again.

  “Carissa, how well did you know that guy that bought you drinks at the bar?”

  “What?” Carissa’s head felt fuzzy. Why was he asking her questions?

  “My sister Kelsey was at the bar all night. She thought you’d had too much to drink. She asked the staff to see if someone had over-served you and found that you only had one beer after the first round of shots. That means two drinks. That’s not normally enough to make anyone black out. We think you may have been roofied.”

  Oh, God. Could this night get any worse? She had to get out of there. She felt ashamed, sick and alone. She’d have to put being grateful that this guy likely saved her from more than just passing out in the street for later.

  It was sweet of Jesse Dubicki to have voiced his interest. It wasn’t going to happen, though. Now he’d seen her at her worst. Just because he looked out for her the night before didn’t mean he would always be a good guy. Men that started out as good men still ended up being abusers. No way was she going to find out if he was one of the good guys. Guys like the one he was appearing to be only existed in movies. No, thank you. She decided to try to salvage whatever dignity she had left and get the hell out of there.

  Carissa jumped out of bed and quickly searched around for her things. A thought suddenly occurred to her.

  “Did we…?”

  “No. Don’t worry. I have enough respect for a woman never to take advantage of her like that, not that I can say the same for that asshole that drugged you. He better hope that I never see him again,” Jesse said, slamming his closed fist into his hand. “I realized when I took you up here you may not react well, but it felt like my only choice at the time.”

  Carissa fumbled around for her things and couldn’t find one of her earrings, but at that point she didn’t care. She had to get out of there.

  “I appreciate what you did for me, Jesse. I do. I just have to go.”

  She quickly grabbed her purse and ran towards the door.

  “Carissa, wait!” he yelled and ran after her.

  She continued to run, but as he got closer to her she quickly turned around and glared at him with her fists balled at her side.

  “Jesse Dubicki, I didn’t ask you to rescue me. I’m a big girl, and I can take care of myself. I would have been just fine if you would not have gone all caveman on me and carried me up here like I was some sort of helpless piece of trash,” Carissa said, opening the door. “What did you think? That I was going to roll over and want to sleep with you in exchange for you being my savior? I mean, come on, dude. I’m not that kind of girl. I appreciate what you did for me, but whatever else you have in mind, I’m not interested in. Get over yourself and LEAVE ME ALONE!”

  Carissa stormed down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. She started running and didn’t stop until she was half-way to her apartment on foot.

  She took a moment and bent forward to rest her hands on her knees as she caught her breath. Her cheeks burned with shame as she thought of what she must have looked like the night before. She wasn’t entirely sure if her anger was at Jesse or herself or the guy that drugged her, but she’d be damned if she was going to give Jesse the time of day after what had transpired. She’d had enough of men trying to take advantage of her in her life and was not going to let that start happening then. Her mind was running out of space to process anymore abuse. The fact that she’d gotten lucky that apparently no one had tried to rape her meant she dodged a bullet.

  Hopefully, I’ll never see him again, she thought as she tried to run again. In reality, she hobbled down the street awkwardly on what was now one pair of high-heeled shoes with one broken heel. She tried to regain some semblance of decorum as she dug for the lip gloss in her little purse. Carissa always felt better when she had her lipstick on. Every crisis in life required lipstick or lip gloss, no matter a girl’s outward appearance. She held her head high and squared her shoulders—it was the principle of it all—and hobbled her way back home.

  Chapter 6

  “Good job, Jesse. Let’s transition to takedowns.”

  Jesse had been working out all morning, and it was time to work with sparring partners.

  Pablo rubbed the back of his neck as he paced outside the practice ring. They were really hitting it hard since Jesse’s fight with Damon Velasquez was getting closer. Jesse was doing really well in his division, but they could never be too prepared.

  Damon Velasquez was also a top fighter, but most of his matches were on the West Coast. He was expanding to other areas of the country in an effort to elevate his status from the Champion of the West to being an overall champion. He was good at winning and was known for fighting dirty. Not dirty enough to break the rules, but he had ways of crawling under his opponent’s skin both inside and outside the ring.

  Pablo got the distinct feeling that Velasquez was one of those guys who probably tortured small animals as a kid. He’d probably find a way to kill people regardless, and, in MMA, it was somewhat legal if done within the parameters of the regulations of the game. In interviews, Velasquez constantly bragged about how he was determined to beat his opponents into submission. He made it his mission to make them feel like they wanted to die; every time he spoke about it, he followed it with a small cackle that sounded like it was laced with a hint of evil.

  Later on in the locker room, Pablo said, “Jesse, what’s been eating at you man? You seem like you’re distracted lately. Not only am I concerned for you as a friend, but we can’t afford this with this match
coming up.”

  Jesse sighed.

  “A couple of days ago at Dubicki’s, Kelsey was at the bar and saw this girl that seemed to be having a problem walking. Kelsey asked me to help her. I had felt drawn to the girl all night, and it was an awkward way of meeting her, but hey, whatever works, right?”

  Pablo shook his head as Jesse continued.

  “Well, she ended up pretty much passing out in the street outside of Dubicki’s, so I put her over my shoulder and carried her upstairs to my place. While she was passed out, Kelsey came up to tell me that she had deduced that the girl had probably been roofied. When the girl woke up, I almost felt like she accused me of violating her in some way. I mean, I saved her from God knows what.”

  Jesse took a breath and wondered if telling Pablo all of this was going to help him or hurt him.

  “I had also told her I was interested in her earlier in the night. It was disappointing. I didn’t expect her to run into my arms, but I liked her. I thought I could forget about it, but it’s been weighing on me. I want to see her again, but I’m scared she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Plus, there’s the small detail that I have no idea what her last name is or how to get a hold of her.”

  Pablo paced the floor outside of the ring. He muttered to himself in Spanish. Jesse knew if Pablo was muttering to himself in Spanish that he was about to find out what those words meant in English. Fuck.

  Pablo walked up to the ring and placed his hands on his hips, authoritatively. “Man, Jesse, of all times…. Really! Get over it, dude. She’s just a woman. They are a dime a dozen. You are not in a position to be in a relationship right now. It would just interfere with your current goals of becoming a champion and potentially going pro.”

  “I know what my goals are, Pablo. You don’t have to be a dick about it. You asked.”

  Jesse slammed his locker shut and headed for the door.

  Pablo walked over to the speed bag, pounding it in frustration. As Jesse was walking out, Pablo yelled, “Well, if it’s so damn important to you, Dubicki, then go find her and let’s get back to work!”

  Right. That would be a great idea if he had any idea of what her last name was. Or where to find her.

  Chapter 7

  “Shut your mouth, Cassie. It’s going to be alright. Ray won’t hurt you. You know that,” he whispers in her ear as she shakes in terror. Her pulse is racing. She is afraid of what Ray is trying to do to her. Her mother may not see through to his character, but Carissa has always seen the mean look in his eyes.

  He presses his sweaty body up against her, and she feels his stiff member. As he stifles her cry, she knows that somehow he will enjoy it all the more. He mounts her and forces himself inside of her. She can feel her flesh tearing as angry tears escape from the corners of her tightly shut eyes.

  He gets up and zips his pants.

  “You had it coming, you pretty thing. You think I didn’t notice your curves and how you liked to show them off for all the boys? Well the boys aren’t the only ones that notice. You have no one but yourself to blame. If you say anything to anyone about this, I will cut that pretty face of yours and give you scars. You hear me?”

  Carissa’s eyes grow in terror at what he has said. She nods her head in agreement and promises not to tell anyone. When he finally leaves, she rolls over in the fetal position and weeps.

  Carissa woke up with tears streaming down her face. She wished she could make that dream go away—erase it from her memory. She would give anything to make that night go away, to make the thought go away that she’d lost her virginity to a rapist.

  Once she and her mother arrived in the Midwest, it didn’t take long for her mother to take up with the wrong people again. When Carissa was nine, one of her mother’s boyfriends beat them both up. Mostly it was her mom that got beaten up; this particular guy used to like to slam her mother’s head up against the wall. Then one day he tried it out on Carissa.

  Soon, every day felt like a fight. Carissa only fought to defend herself, which was, sadly, far too often. Carissa loved the movie Million Dollar Baby because she could relate to Hilary Swank’s character becoming a fighter because her upbringing didn’t give her a skill set for much beyond that. Carissa started to read very young and found that reading books was a way to lose herself in stories and take her mind off the heaviness of her home life. She started babysitting when she was 12 and had always been good at saving her money. In the back of her mind, she had always had an exit plan. She inherently knew that someday she might have to run.

  That day came when she was 14. One night her mother’s boyfriend Ray had raped her and threatened to kill her if she ever told anyone. When Carissa had told her mother, her own mother didn’t believe her and accused her of being jealous of her boyfriend. Her mother had then called her all kinds of names and said that she was worthless. All Carissa had ever wanted was her mother’s love, but she realized her mother wasn’t capable of loving anything besides her drug addiction.

  After she was raped, she took all the money that she’d saved those two years, which amounted to $432, and ran away. Initially, she went to find a place to crash for the night at a friend’s house. Eventually, she found a situation in the city with a few roommates that were going to college. She’d lied about her age, and they believed her. She had quickly gotten a job as a waitress and had been on her own ever since. She put the little girl that was Cassie, along with that nickname, to rest that day and ran forward to her future.

  She’d never been to a therapist. If she’d have sought therapy or help, she would have been sent back to her mother or, worse, to foster care. That night all those years ago had shaped her life, for better or worse. She’d never looked back; her mother had probably been glad she’d left. Her mother’s reaction to her had been full of contempt and confirmed all of Carissa’s fears. Her mother had never loved her. If her own mother couldn’t show her love and support, who would?

  The dreams were terrible at first. In the early days, she would sleepwalk. Luckily, she had patient roommates who stopped her from doing anything stupid while she slept. Now the dreams only came up intermittently. Mostly when she was stressed. Carissa had only had one boyfriend since then. Sometimes during sex she would have flashbacks and freak out. It was one of the many reasons that relationship didn’t work out. It had been so long since she’d had a boyfriend that she figured she was just damaged and that men weren’t worth the trouble.

  Waking up in Jesse Dubicki’s bed after getting drugged at Dubicki’s had brought all of her issues about the rape back up. Carissa hated that she’d lost control, that it was taken from her again. By a man. Seeing her mother around drugs when she was growing up made her never want to touch them. That woman was always a mess, and somehow it made Carissa want to be a better person and not go down that path. She’d just wanted to have a little fun that night. She was old enough to legally drink and decided to go along with the crowd. What a mistake that was! With a sigh, she continued berating herself.

  Jesse Dubicki. The guy who had been roughhousing with his friends that she’d noticed earlier that night before she lost control. She’d also noticed how sexy he was. She was lucky that man with his lethal weapon of a body had chosen to protect her rather than hurt her. She could not believe how stupid she’d been and how lucky she was that no one had hurt her. That next morning before she left, he had looked at her like he cared or something. She found that annoying. He probably just liked the fact that she was the damsel in distress. Some guys got off on that.

  She felt like she could never go back to Dubicki’s again. Someone that had seen her at her worst and looked at her with that sappy look could only mean trouble in the long run.

  Chapter 8

  Jesse squeezed his eyes tightly shut in frustration. He could not seem to stop thinking about Carissa. In daily practices, Pablo had been tough on him lately. Pablo feared Jesse would lose his competitive edge, and they could not afford to lose any ground with the Velasquez fight coming
up in a few weeks.

  Jesse paced as he tried to figure out what to do. It had been so long since he’d wanted to have a woman at his side. The timing of this was poor, he knew that. He knew he had to stay in the game, but a primal need seemed to be taking him over. He had to find that girl.

  The day was already a bust. Pablo had clearly been frustrated after practice. Jesse wasn’t sure who he was more disappointed in, himself or Pablo. He paid Pablo to keep him on top of his game, and he hated it when Pablo was right. What he hated even more was that the man in him was partly relieved because now he could go try to find Carissa. He silently wondered if he was insane: missing another practice was a death wish. Every time he told himself that, he still couldn’t talk himself out of trying to find her.

  Sadly, Jesse didn’t even know her last name. He knew one other person that might know: his sister Kelsey. Kelsey was behind the bar at Dubicki’s nearly every night, and somehow bartenders knew what was going on with the locals and in the neighborhood. Carissa had said she didn’t go there often, but he figured it was worth a shot. Plus, he hadn’t seen Kelsey in a while and would love the opportunity to run it all by her.

  Kelsey was Jesse’s big sister, technically, but when they were kids they told everyone they were twins. They still had closeness between them. They loved their older brother, Adam, who inherited Dubicki’s when their dad had died suddenly the year prior, but Kelsey and Jesse were still thick as thieves even though they didn’t see each other as much anymore. Kelsey had gotten married a few months prior and was preparing to have a family. Her baby girl was due in a few months. There’d been chaos last fall when a real estate developer had tried to acquire Dubicki’s to build a condo high-rise. Luckily for their family, the real estate developer, Jason Rourke, had fallen in love with Kelsey. Jason found a way to save their business, and now Jesse had a great brother-in-law and the family business was intact.