Everything You Want

by Like, Macyn

  I clicked on the TV and flipped through the channels until I found an old Friends rerun. I removed the boiling water from the burner and threw in a couple large tea bags to steep before I pulled my meal out of the microwave.

  As soon as I sat down and lifted the fork to my mouth, I heard him on the steps. Heard his door open and close. A huge smile broke out over my face. I couldn’t help it. I shoveled my food down, expecting him to knock on my door at any second. But by the end of the episode he still hadn’t come. No big deal. He was just cleaning up or grading papers. Something.

  I watched another episode. Then another. By the start of the fourth episode two big fat tears rolled down my cheeks. He wasn’t coming. And I was sitting in my living room crying about it like a twelve year old, which was so stupid. He never said he would come, but his absence hurt, especially since he was only about a few feet the left, and yet he still chose to stay away.

  I knew why he was avoiding me. I thought he’d had a breakthrough last night; I thought I’d cured him of his commitment-phobia, but obviously I had not. It was fine. Those kinds of things took time.

  I stood up and wiped the tears away. I wasn’t going to act that way. Not over a guy. Even one I was pretty sure I was in love with.

  I walked into the bathroom and turned the faucet on in the tub, dumping a generous amount of vanilla sugar bubble bath in with the running water. I set the latest copy of Us Weekly on the side of the tub and went to the bedroom to grab my iPod off the dresser. I stripped down, popped in my ear buds, and sank into the deliciously warm water. I turned up the volume to drown out the Radiohead in the next apartment.

  If Kieran wanted me, he knew where I was.

  An hour later the bathwater was cool and the bubbles had dissolved and I was tired of listening to Adele. I dried off and threw on an old T-shirt, still feeling defeated despite my attempts to perk myself up.

  I dragged myself into the bedroom and flipped the lamp on beside my bed. I lifted Tulip up first and then crawled beneath the sheets. I had just washed them a few days before and they smelled fresh which made me smile just a little.

  I lied down for two seconds and then sat back up. What was I doing? I wasn’t even tired. I was just bored, and sad. I looked over at the stack of books on my nightstand. Shayla had brought them to me during her last visit. She was always doing that, bringing me her old books, and I usually got through them pretty quickly, but I hadn’t even cracked the spine on any of these three yet. I picked up the top one, resolving to read it until I felt sleep was possible.

  Halfway through the first chapter I heard movement in the bedroom next door. I tried to ignore it. Yeah, right. I read the same sentence eight times before I slammed the book shut. How could he not come over? How could he—

  Knock, knock.

  I sat up a little straighter.

  Knock, knock.

  What was he doing?

  Knock, knock.

  Was he trying to get my attention on purpose?

  Knock, knock.

  Yes, he was. My lips spread in a slow smile. He was thinking about me.

  I knocked back twice.

  He knocked once more, and then it was silent.

  My heart felt ten times lighter. He was thinking about me.

  I turned out the light and instantly fell asleep.

  Chapter 24

  Kieran

  It was two o’clock in the morning. I lied still in the middle of my bed, cringing every time I heard a sound from the next apartment. It took everything I had not to pull out the toolbox I kept tucked away under my bed, grab the hammer, and beat down the thin wall separating me from her. Of course, I realized that I didn’t have to go to such extremes. I could just climb out of bed, walk the ten feet to her door, and knock. But to me, that seemed crazier than just ripping the wall down.

  I could have just gone over there after I got home from work. I should have. She was waiting for me; I know she was. Or, I hoped she was. But I was being an idiot, again. Why did I have to suck at life so bad? Why couldn’t I just be happy that I had found someone? Someone kind. Someone who made my blood run hot every time she was near. Someone who seemed to feel the same way about me. No, not me. I found someone who made me feel happier than I had in so long I couldn’t remember, and I ran scared in the other direction. Something was wrong with me, clearly. I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I wanted her. She was worth the risk.

  The need to touch her was driving me insane, and knowing she was so close wasn’t helping matters. If I could have a do-over, I would run to her door first thing after work. I wouldn’t volunteer to help Emery. I definitely wouldn’t have told my sister I was coming home this weekend.

  Well, maybe that last one wasn’t true. Kiera had been so happy to hear from me. I knew that she needed me to be there. I just didn’t want to be away from Marissa anymore. I couldn’t stand it for another second.

  I threw the sheets off. It was so hot in my room. Why was it so hot in there? I started to turn over, but stilled when I heard movement from the other side of the wall.

  That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled on a pair of jeans that were crumpled up beside the bed and walked straight out the door, completely aware that this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen, this lack of control I felt whenever she was around, and completely not caring.

  The cool night air felt good against my arms as I closed the small space between our doors. I was wearing a short-sleeved black t-shirt. I hadn’t been outside without sleeves for so long. It occurred to me for half a second that I should turn around and change, cover up, or she would see…but then I didn’t care. I wanted her to see.

  I knocked on the door and was instantly greeted by a string of annoyed barks. A minute or so later, Marissa opened the door. Her hair was thrown up in a messy, curly ponytail, and she was wearing a ratty old t-shirt that had a giant hole in one sleeve and an ancient pair of men’s plaid boxer shorts. I stared at her as she stood silently in the doorway, trying to blink the sleep out of her eyes.

  She was so beautiful.

  I smoothed a few errant blond waves away from her cheek. She smiled at me and yawned. “Hi,” she said.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t be here right now. Go back to sleep.” I caressed her cheek once more, and turned to leave.

  “No,” she said, stopping me. “It’s fine.”

  “Marissa, it’s late. You’re tired.”

  “No, I’m not,” she insisted, reaching out and squeezing my hand, giving it a little pull. “Come in.”

  She didn’t have to ask me twice.

  “Where were you this afternoon?” she asked, flipping on the kitchen lights. Her dog was in the hallway, staring at me like she wasn’t sure whether to be friendly or attack. I took it Marissa didn’t have a lot of late night visitors, which wasn’t a bad thing as far as I concerned.

  “Go on, Tulip,” she said. “Back to bed. Everything is okay.”

  The cats were nowhere to be seen. I guess they didn’t care about having a late night guest. I watched the dog plod back into the bedroom and turned back to Marissa, who was staring at me expectantly. Then I remembered she’d asked me a question.

  “Oh, yeah. I was helping my friend tutor some kids.”

  “Oh. That’s nice,” she said, but I could hear the disappointment in her voice. She had been expecting me. I had hurt her. I felt like crap.

  “I’m sorry. I wanted to see you tonight. I’ve been thinking about you. I just…”

  She walked over to me, slipped her arms around my waist, and pressed a soft kiss against my neck, setting off an explosion in my stomach. “It’s okay,” she said.

  “This, whatever this is happening between us, it’s just moving so fast—”

  “I know,” she cut me off, running her fingers through my hair and kissing my jaw.

  I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. My heart picked up the pace as she ran her fingers gently down my bare arms, arms
that hadn’t been touched in so very long. I couldn’t remember why I’d ever wanted to stay away from this girl.

  “We’ll take it slow,” she whispered against my ear, letting her lips brush against my ear lobe lightly.

  “We should, but I really don’t want to when you do things like that.”

  She laughed and kissed me again.

  “And you said I was the dangerous one. You’re the dangerous one. I should stay away from you,” I said, not meaning it at all.

  “I promise you, you shouldn’t.” She ran her hands up my arms slowly, sending a shiver up my spine.

  “Look at me,” I whispered. “I’m too messed up. You don’t want me.”

  “Yes, I do.” She bent down to kiss my left arm and I pressed my lips together as I tried to hold back a gasp. Was she trying to kill me?

  “You should probably go now,” she whispered, leaning away from me.

  I pulled her back. “I don’t think so.”

  “Okay, stay.” She leaned back into me and I bent down to kiss her, but she then she took a step back. “Wait, no. You should go.”

  “Hey, you started this.”

  “Yes, and now I’m ending it. The slow thing was your idea. I’m just agreeing with you.”

  “It was a stupid idea.”

  She shook her head and pointed at the door.

  “Fine. But I think you’ve ruined any chance of sleep I might have had.”

  She laughed and gave me a gentle nudge toward the door.

  I gave her one last glance, taking everything in, and left.

  I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

  Chapter 25

  Marissa

  Have to go home for the weekend, for Kiera. I’m sorry.

  My heart stung as I read the text from Kieran, but I couldn’t be mad at him for it. I typed out a quick message and stuck my phone back in my desk.

  I understand.

  When I heard my phone buzz I opened my top drawer again and peeked at the screen.

  Still sucks, though.

  I smiled as I wrote back.

  Agreed. But have fun with your sister. Don’t even think about me.

  Two seconds later my phone buzzed again.

  Impossible.

  I bit back a smile and slipped the phone back in the top drawer. I was surprised when I heard it buzz two seconds later.

  I’m crazy about you.

  My heart expanded in my chest and it was all I could do to hold back the squeal that was building up in my throat.

  You’re sure you have to go…?

  I already knew the answer, but it was worth a try.

  Yeah. Can’t cancel on her right now.

  I sighed and looked at the clock on my computer screen. It was one hour until close. What was I going to do with myself tonight? There was no getting Kieran out of my head, that was for sure. I smiled to myself. I’d dream about him all night.

  The next day I found myself craving one of those sandwiches from the café Kieran had taken me to. Traffic was surprisingly light and it didn’t take me any time to get there. There was no line so I walked right up to the counter and placed my order. As soon as I turned around I heard someone call out my name.

  I looked around, wondering who around here would know me. Then I saw her. Shannon’s girlfriend, Alisha, was sitting by herself at a small table in the corner, waving me over. She had a huge smile on her face and her eyes were bright and welcoming, a complete three-sixty from the last time I’d seen her.

  The cashier handed me a paper sack and I hesitated a moment before walking over to her. Last weekend I was pretty sure she hated me, but now she was acting like running into me was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She motioned for me to join her again, so I sat my to-go sack on her table and pulled out the chair across from her.

  “Marissa! How’s it going?”

  “Good,” I said, still confused by her dramatic mood swing.

  “I’ve never seen you in here before. Do you come often?” she asked, taking a sip of her latte.

  “No, this is just the second time.”

  “Don’t you just love it? I do.”

  “Yeah, it’s great.” I tapped my foot on the ground, wondering how long I was going to be there. I was getting pretty hungry, and was tempted to rip the bag open and eat the sandwich right then and there instead of waiting to get home.

  She lifted the large mug to her lips again and her eyes roamed over me, like she was checking me out. I looked away, fighting the urge to squirm in my seat.

  “So you and Kieran,” she said. “What’s going on there?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” I offered her a weak smile as I shrugged. She was Kieran’s friend, not mine. If he wanted her to know the status of our relationship, he could tell her. I still wasn’t even sure myself.

  “Well, you are seeing each other, right?”

  “Sure, I guess so.”

  “That’s what I thought. He tried telling me you two were just friends, but I didn’t buy it. Kieran doesn’t really have much luck with girls as friends. Besides me, I mean. They all eventually turn into girlfriends, although I’m not sure I’d call them that. Just girls. Lots of girls. I’m sure you know about all of that, though. You’re his neighbor, right?”

  “Yes,” I answered, my brows knitted together. What was she getting at?

  “Then you know what I’m talking about.”

  “Sure.” No. Not so much. I had seen/heard girls at his place before, but not that many. Not near as many as she was making it out to be.

  “I was actually surprised when Kieran told me you two lived next door to each other. I figured you wouldn’t want to date him since you already know what player he is. I love him, I really do, but he’s a total commitment-phobe. He never stays with anyone for more than a month before he gets tired of them and moves on.”

  I pressed my lips together, not sure what to make of this conversation.

  “I’m not trying to be rude or stick my nose in your business. I just thought you should know. If it were me, I know I’d appreciate the warning.”

  I nodded, forcing myself to smile at her.

  She smiled back warmly and took another sip of her drink.

  “Okay, well, thank you for the—um—warning, but I need to get going.” I held up my to-go sack and she sat her mug down and frowned.

  “Alright. It was really nice to see you. We should do this again sometime.” She leaned forward and squeezed my hand.

  “Uh-huh.” I did my best to fake a quick smile and stood up, sliding my hand out of her grasp. I turned and swiftly walked out of the door.

  What was that? I shook my head as I made my way to my car. I knew about Kieran’s past. Obviously she didn’t know that, but she was making it out to seem so much worse than it was. What was the point of that? Was she trying to get rid of me? Probably. I remembered that first night we all hung out together she was more than reluctant to show any warmth towards me or Ollie’s new girlfriend. Maybe she was just really protective of her wolf pack. Still, that was…weird.

  My phone buzzed in my back pocket and I smiled as butterflies filled my chest. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked down, then frowned. It was Camden, not Kieran, asking me out for dinner. I sighed as I typed out some excuse to Camden. I didn’t want to be rude, but I also didn’t want to tell him I was seeing somebody, yet. I told him I had plans, which I did, sort of. Plans that included watching TV, baking a batch of red velvet brownies with cream cheese icing, and cuddling up with two cats and a Basset Hound.

  I tossed my lunch in the passenger’s seat of my car and headed back home, still a little freaked out from my encounter with Alisha. I thought about texting Kieran, but I shook my head. Maybe she was just a strange girl, or maybe she was just really trying to scare me off. Either way, I didn’t take her words seriously.

  Whatever.

  Chapter 26

  Kieran

  Wow, I was an idiot. I was convinced this was goi
ng to be the longest weekend of my life. It wasn’t that I wasn’t having a good time with Kiera. We were having fun, just like I’d promised her, and I was glad that I’d came. That didn’t mean I wasn’t missing Marissa like crazy, though.

  I’d agreed to go to a local nightclub the night before in an effort to cheer Kiera up, which was a bust. Lots of guys asked her to dance, but she wouldn’t talk to any of them and she just kept mumbling about how she missed Skylar. I knew what she really meant was that she missed Rob. She was getting better, though, I could tell. She laughed at all the jokes I cracked about the people who were either too young or too old to be there, and the excess of inappropriately tight clothes. At around eleven we’d just decided to get out of there and went for frozen yogurt instead.

  Today I was taking her to the mall to go shopping, one of her favorite activities. She wanted to take Skylar, but my mother insisted on keeping him. We were browsing in one of Kiera’s favorite stores when I caught sight of a blonde out of the corner of my eye.

  She looked familiar. She looked like…No. I could feel my heart constricting and my breath caught in my throat. It was her. It was Becca.

  Her hair was shorter, but she looked basically the same. I wondered if I should go talk to her. I really didn’t want to. I turned to sneak out of there, but it was too late.

  “Kieran?” I heard her call out from behind me.

  I turned back and pasted the realest looking grin I could manage on my face.

  She was smiling brightly, genuinely, as she walked towards me. Before I knew it she had me enveloped in a tight hug and I couldn’t help my surprise. All these years I’d thought she hated me. Our break-up was ugly, as was the majority of our time together. She didn’t even visit me after my accident, which hurt more than I wanted to get into. Of course that was years ago. I hadn’t seen her in almost four years. She smelled the exact same. Familiarity washed over me as I held her in my arms and I waited for the aching to take over and fill my chest, but it didn’t come.