by Stacy Gail
“Novak and I were at House Of Payne as Angel’s guests the night of the fashion show, so we saw the whole thing. Congratulations on the big win, by the way,” he added, smiling at her look of surprise. He had a nice smile, quiet and understanding in a way that put her at ease. “And I’ll be honest with you—I get where your mother is coming from. If you were my daughter, I’d want to know who that man was who bounded up onstage to your rescue when it looked like you were about to faint.”
“Fainting was a definite possibility.” And she still hadn’t fully recovered. There were times when she’d get a rush of lightheadedness or feel sick to her stomach, and she had almost been on-target when she’d claimed she was going to nap for a week. She just couldn’t seem to get herself right, and she couldn’t help but think it was because she was so up in the air over Steele. “It’s just that when it comes to me and Steele, things aren’t…” She searched for the right word as she grabbed up two more balloons. “Things aren’t perfect between Steele and me at the moment. That’s why I’m not comfortable talking about him with my parents.”
At that, Joey burst out laughing. “If you’re waiting for things to be perfect between the two of you, your parents are never going to hear about him. FYI, there’s no such thing as perfect in a relationship.”
“Tell Steele that. He was once married to the love of his life, a woman who dropped his ass like a hot rock when he had the audacity to get wounded while serving his country. But amazingly enough, he still thinks of that love as so frigging perfect he can’t imagine ever being able to love like that, or to love at all, ever again. How messed up is that? Wait, don’t answer,” she sighed when he simply stared at her. “Sorry. I know it’s messed up. It’s also messed up that I told you any of that. Please just ignore me and my totally inappropriate verbal vomiting, okay? I’ve been weirdly psychotic lately, due to the amount of stress I’ve been under, so please just pretend I didn’t say anything.”
“I can’t believe the guy I saw sweep you up and kiss you like his life depended on it is incapable of love,” he said thoughtfully, ignoring the last part of her statement. “In fact, Novak and I talked about you guys afterward, you were so intense with each other. We assumed you were committed to each other in a big way. You definitely gave off that vibe, anyway.”
“That vibe was probably coming from me. I fell hard for him, while he just stood there with his proverbial hands behind his back and watched me fall.” Then she shook her head, placing balloons along the line of string until she ran into a gap—the place where a future front door would be. “I don’t know. Maybe it was too much to expect for Steele to break my fall. I just wish he’d told me from the beginning that he wasn’t ever going to be… what’s the term? Emotionally available.”
Joey absorbed this for a long moment. “Bob Marley had a lot to say about women and relationships—a much-overlooked philosopher of his time, in my opinion. One of my favorite quotes of his has to do with a man not being worthy of a woman if he dares to awaken her love while never having any intention of returning it.”
Essie stared at the bright orange balloon in her hand, and waited for the pain in her heart to ease before she set the balloon in place. “That sounds about right.”
“But it doesn’t feel right, at least not from this outsider’s perspective. You were totally on-target when you said I barely know you,” he went on when she shot him a dubious glance. “And I sure as hell don’t know Steele. All I can tell you is an objective observer’s point of view, and the view I had of the two of you a week ago was seriously spectacular. The man who kissed you was a man who wasn’t emotionally unavailable, Essie. Far from it. That guy was thrilled and relieved and exhilarated that you’d won, because it was what you wanted.”
“Well… yeah, he was excited I’d won. He knew how hard I’d worked on all my projects.”
“My point exactly. Men like that don’t get excited over fashion shows unless they’re heavily invested on an emotional level. I’d be willing to bet your Steele cares way more than you think. Probably even more than he thinks.” He helped set the few remaining balloons while she digested this. “Just do me a favor, okay? Try to remember that there’s no such thing as perfect in a relationship. So he has an ex, and he’s got baggage. I’m sure you do, too. Neither one of you is perfect, so let that expectation go. Once you do, things generally tend to get a lot easier. And a lot more awesome.”
The sun’s merciless glare at last began to ease around mid-afternoon. Essie smiled as she watched Twist smooth sunscreen onto Angel’s thin, tattoo-decorated arms, before he bent to give her a kiss. It had been quite a reveal, Angel’s birthday present. As blown away as her sister-in-law had been with the new house Twist had bought and Angel’s architect father had custom-designed, Angel had trumped everyone by asking if the new house would have, of all things, a nursery.
Bedlam had ensued when her sister-in-law then admitted that every pregnancy test she’d taken—seriously, who took seven pregnancy tests?—had been positive. In less than nine months, there would be a new niece or nephew for Essie to love.
And she would love that little one, she thought, settling tiredly onto one of the three picnic benches that had been set up for Angel’s surprise birthday party, now littered with pizza boxes, cans of beer and soda and paper plates. Just as she adored Nick’s girls. A long time ago her brothers had promised to “share” their children with her, and she loved them for that, so much. But as much as she would shower love on Twist’s and Angel’s baby, when the time came she would respect the new family’s space. While she hungered for a family of her own—and with an amazing career at the House to give her financial security, she might have that through the process of adoption one day—she knew that, for now, family life wasn’t in the cards for her.
But she could still be happy for them.
“Just look at those two.” With a gusty sigh her father, Ed Santiago, settled in across from her, while her mother sat beside her with a contented smile. Now that Angel’s baby news had been popped, her parents had gotten off her back about Steele, thank God. “To look at them, you’d never think they were a matched set. But they just sort of fit, you know?”
Essie’s smile widened as she looked at Twist and Angel. “I think she’s tamed him a little.”
“Married life will do that to you.” Her father sighed reminiscently. “I was just as wild as anyone in my youth. Then I got married, and a leash was put on the tiger.”
“That tiger turned into a pussycat when the babies started coming,” Her mother reminded him with a grin. “The same thing’s going to happen to Oliver, mark my words.”
Essie couldn’t help but snort at the thought of Twist turning into a pussycat. Her imagination simply wasn’t up to the task. “It’s going to be a crazy time for them—getting the new house done in time for the baby. Angel better get started on her prenatal vitamins now.”
“Those things are great for the baby, but they only help so much when it comes to giving a woman energy,” her mother scoffed, waving her hand. “She’s going to be dragging from one thing to the next, falling asleep in the middle of sentences, forgetting where she parked her car or what she’s doing. Pregnant-brain is a horrible thing. We should warn Twist about that, now that I think about it.”
“Ugh, that sounds like me after all the stress I’ve been under,” Essie groaned, rubbing a hand over her face in the hope that it would take away the weariness. “I can’t get enough sleep after that crazy grind I put myself through. And my memory? Forget about it. Not only could I not retain the names of Angel’s parents—oh, and by the way, I’ve forgotten their names again—I had to text Twist twice this past week to ask what day Angel’s birthday was on. He had to remind me that all I had to do was reread the text he’d originally sent. See? My mind is gone. G-O-N-E. Wait, did I spell that right? I can’t remember.”
“My poor baby worked herself to a frazzle.” Her mother fiddled with the thick weight of her hair to pull it u
p off her neck. Essie immediately went into a zonked stupor. “Be thankful it’s all behind you, love. You can recover as you settle into your new job.”
“I do have time to recover,” Essie mumbled sleepily, eyes closing as she dropped her chin to her chest. “But, if Angel goes through the usual pregnancy symptoms of fatigue, forgetfulness, nausea, lightheadedness…” She trailed off as at last her brain listened to what her mouth was saying.
Fatigue.
Forgetfulness.
Nausea.
Lightheadedness.
And one more thing…
She was late by almost two weeks.
Stress, she thought while a surge of adrenaline popped her chin off her chest and made her eyes snap open. It was stress. That was what it had to be. Sure, they’d had a couple condom malfunctions, but that wasn’t the point. At the time of her attack, the doctors had told her that, with the possibility of scar tissue buildup, becoming pregnant would be about as possible as getting struck by lightning. And since condoms had been used every time, the chances of becoming pregnant were even less so.
So, no.
It couldn’t possibly be.
Angel announcing her pregnancy was the only reason it had even occurred to her. It was stress. That was all.
But still.
She’d stop by the pharmacy on the way home, she decided, her breath coming faster as she tried to keep herself in check. Just to be sure that the impossible hadn’t happened. Which it hadn’t. She could never hope for such a miracle. Never. That would be beyond stupid.
But still.
Don’t hope, don’t hope, don’t hope, oh please God, let it be so…
Damn it.
“Essie?” Her mother continued to stroke her hair back into a ponytail, the way she had done all of Essie’s life. “You okay, hon?”
“Yeah.” She honestly had no idea how she was. Terrified. Excited. Trying so fucking hard to not be excited because she didn’t want to be crushed when her pipe dream turned to dust. “You know me. Play with my hair and I dissolve.”
Lynette chuckled. “It was the only way to get you to sleep, you were such a night owl. Kara has to do the same thing with Maya. Must be genetic.”
“Must be.” Her stupid heart was trying to climb into her throat with every heavy thud. She swallowed hard against it and struggled to find calm. No matter what her condition was—holy shit, her condition—stress was one thing she didn’t need. “Must be.”
“Essie, honey,” her father said, sounding vaguely preoccupied.
“Yeah, Dad?”
“I thought you told your mother that your boyfriend was away on business.”
For crying out loud… “Dad, I don’t have a boyfriend. If you’re talking about Steele, he’s away on business—somewhere in Texas, was the last I heard. Working security for some kind of fossil fuel international convention thing.”
“Uh-huh.” Her father rose from the picnic table and began ambling away. “Well, my guess is that the fossil fuel international convention thing is over, because your non-boyfriend is here, and he’s bearing gifts. A great way to go when you’re meeting your non-girlfriend’s parents for the first time, don’t you think? So far, I approve.”
“What?” Flabbergasted, Essie whirled around on her bench, her hair falling back around her shoulders as she looked in the direction her father was heading. Sure enough, there was Steele striding across the balloon-decorated lot like he owned it, dressed in a light gray short-sleeved Henley that molded to his muscular torso like it had been painted on, and jeans that fit him in all the right places. He carried a ribbon-bedecked bottle of what looked to be champagne in one hand, while the other one was outstretched toward her dad, an easy smile on his face.
What the hell.
How had he…?
Then she remembered the phone she’d gotten back from Carla after the fashion show. He always tracked her by her phone, the jerk.
“Smooth.” Her mother had also turned on the bench, her bright eyes taking Steele in from head to toe. “Ooh, he’s a big one, isn’t he? Makes your father look like a shrimp. Let’s take a closer look.”
“Let’s not.” But her mother was already on her way, marching determinedly toward the men. Shit, shit, shit, she thought, hustling after her. This couldn’t possibly end well.
“…when Essie told me that her brother was buying a custom house as a birthday surprise, I thought it could go either way. Glad to hear she liked it.” She caught the tail end of Steele’s comment as she and her mother closed in, and when Steele flicked his gaze to her, her brain snapped into blank-canvas mode. “Hey, sweetness.”
“Uh.” Words. She should probably come up with some.
“Hi, Lynette Santiago, Essie’s mother.” Clearly having zero issues with personal space, Lynette went right up to Steele and gave him a hug. “You’re Steele, right? It’s so sweet that you came in to surprise Essie and give us a chance to meet you. Ever since the fashion show, Ed and I have been curious about you, and Essie’s been useless when it comes to information. She won’t tell us a thing about you.”
“Except that we’re not really together and that there’s not much to tell when it comes to Steele and me.” There. She made words. Not the words her parents wanted to hear, but since that was the truth, they’d just have to live with it.
Steele shot her a wry glance at her announcement. “Somehow I doubt anyone’s going to believe that after the fashion show, Es. And speaking of the show,” he added returning his attention to her parents while Essie stared at him in pure exasperation, “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you both right then. I got called away to take care of crowd control after Essie’s win, and by the time I finally had everything battened down, the Santiago clan had left the building. Not cool, by the way,” he added, sending Essie a hard glance. “Not cool at all. You just took off without even saying goodbye.”
Wait, how was she suddenly the bad guy? “Was I supposed to?”
“Honey.” Aghast, her mother looked like she’d just dropped the F-bomb before glancing apologetically to Steele. “That mouth of hers. Honestly, this is what happens when a girl is raised with a bunch of rowdy boys. It’s just a step up from being raised with wolves. I promise you, I tried my best.”
“What are you talking about? Essie’s the coolest wolf-girl around.” Twist and Nick approached, along with Joey and Novak. Perfect. Just when she thought life couldn’t get any more awkward. “Steele, right?”
“Yeah.” Steele first offered his hand, then the bottle he held. “I know it’s a little early for a housewarming gift, but considering how much work you put into this surprise for your lady, it definitely called for champagne. Congratulations on your new digs, and for successfully keeping her in the dark until the unveiling.”
“Thanks.” Twist gave every impression that he wasn’t sure what to make of Steele before he took the bottle and gestured back to the balloon-outlined floor plan, where his future house would one day stand. “Come on, I’ll show you around the place. And once it’s built, look out, dude—I’m hitting you, Nick, Joey and Novak up to help us move in.”
“I’ll be around,” Steele said, nodding.
Though Essie couldn’t be sure, it sounded oddly like a promise.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Essie wasn’t sure how she managed to ditch Steele. She’d told him that she had plans to help clean things up while the party was winding down, and that he should go. That hadn’t worked. She’d told him she was going to spend the night at her parents’ place later and that she had neither the time nor the inclination for a private talk. That hadn’t worked, either. Finally she’d just bounced the hell out of there while Steele, Payne, Nick and Twist were neck-deep in trading war stories on various renovation projects they’d gone through on their own properties.
For her own good, she had to put some distance between them.
Her logical-thinking brain got borked when he was near. And resisting him? Ha. He was the P
rofessor, and she adored being his Teacher’s Pet, so that was obviously a no-go. When he was around, she couldn’t make a clear-headed decision about what sort of relationship she’d willingly accept from him. And really, what sort of selection did she have to choose from, anyway?
A purely physical but emotionally unfulfilling relationship that led to none of her personal life goals. Or…
No relationship at all.
She grimaced. Both possibilities gutted her, she couldn’t deny that. But with Steele close by, the option of succumbing to his allure was all too real. Inevitably she’d give in, because she was a wuss, and that would slowly kill her from the inside out. It would kill her, because that was the one option that led to a true dead end.
That option was even worse than no relationship at all.
She had to stay away from Steele the way an alcoholic had to stay away from a liquor store. If she weakened, she might not ever find a true off-ramp from her desolate, lonely road.
And then, of course, there was this issue of having a two-week overdue period.
“Screw it,” she muttered out loud, curling her fingers around the car’s keys and pushing out of her car. She’d been sitting in the parking lot of the drugstore a few blocks down from her apartment for the past ten minutes, working up the courage to do what needed to be done.
She wasn’t pregnant. She knew that in her bones. She just had to eliminate that astronomically remote possibility before she tackled what the hell the real problem was. Cysts, maybe. A fibroid tumor, perhaps. Asymptomatic endometriosis. And that catch-all bugger, stress. Considering all the stress she’d been under for past several months, it was a surprise that her body hadn’t broken down before now.
She should count her blessings.
The store was quiet when she entered, and after reading the signs at the head of the many aisles, she headed determinedly for the correct one. But as she faced the wall of pregnancy tests to choose from she faltered, staring blankly while a crippling wave of anxiety hit.
