by Stacy Gail
Damn.
Right now, at that very moment, she had hope. Just a feeble flicker, like a candle in a sea of never-ending darkness. But it was something. Far more than she’d ever had in her adult life, and it felt… good. She didn’t want to lose that.
Oh God, she didn’t want to lose that.
But she would. Once she took that test and it came back negative—as it inevitably would—she’d be lost in the darkness again.
As feeble as it was, she didn’t want to lose her hope.
“What are you doing here?”
She nearly jumped out of her skin at the low growl next to her ear, before she whirled around and looked into Steele’s stormy quicksilver eyes. “What the hell, are you following me?”
The storm in his eyes didn’t lessen. “I asked you a question, Essie. What the hell are you doing staring at a bunch of pregnancy tests?”
The unbearable tension inside her snapped. “I’m dreaming an impossible dream, okay? My body’s so tangled up with all the stress it’s been going through that it’s off its cycle, only I didn’t realize it until Angel announced she was pregnant. I’m not pregnant, I’m sure of it, because lightning doesn’t strike me unless it’s to annihilate me, so there’s no way a miracle like that could happen. I’m sure of it.”
“You already said that.”
“The thing is, I want lightning to strike, Steele. I want it so bad I’m shaking, but of course I know it didn’t, because good things like miracles don’t happen to me. They happen to other people, more worthy people, and I know that, okay? I know it. So I just need to find the courage to face that reality, reach for one of those stupid boxes and confirm that life isn’t a fairy tale and I’ll always be alone and that I have no right to stand here like some fucking idiot and hope for impossible—”
His hands gripped her arms and pulled her roughly up to meet his mouth, silencing the frantic tumble of words. In a heartbeat the ballooning hysteria quieted, and the darkness that was threatening to drown out her sad and feeble hope was pushed back. Maybe it wasn’t what she wanted, this unloving, out-of-balance relationship, but with his lips on hers, the smothering blackness that was unending loneliness evaporated like magic.
“I’ll grab a box.” His nose nuzzled hers in such a way that it filled her with tender warmth. “I’ll take you home, because you’re sure as hell not driving anywhere when you’re like this. Then I’ll hold you when the test is done and together we deal with what it says, either way.”
That was sweet. He was sweet. But… “No. I need to do this. I need to do this alone.”
“Fuck that.” In a heartbeat the sweetness vanished under a ferocious scowl. “You didn’t get to this place alone, Essie. You don’t have to stand here shaking like a damn leaf alone. You aren’t going to face whatever that test says alone. You’re so used to being on that road all by yourself that you can’t even see that you’re not there anymore. You got your off-ramp, sweetness. It’s time you took it. You might be surprised to see where it leads you.”
“I doubt that.”
“Yeah, I know. You doubt it because you doubt me.” He grabbed up a box from the shelf with one hand while with the other he gripped her fingers so tightly it made her wince, before he dragged her to the front of the store. “That’s on me, not you, and another goddamn layer of stress that you don’t need. I’ve got to erase that shit by putting things right, but first I need to put you right. You’re the only thing that matters now.”
His words barely penetrated as he made the purchase, guided her to his truck and drove toward her place. But when he drove right past it, she jerked to a stiffly sitting position. “Wait, Steele—”
“Last time I was at your place, I found you outside on the fire escape just so you could breathe. There wasn’t even enough room in there for Mooch. My place. No expectations. No pressure.”
“And no car. How the hell am I supposed to get back to my place?”
“I’ll drive you anywhere you want to go.”
That was the problem. As bad as he was for her, when she was with Steele she didn’t want to be anywhere else.
The thought of pitching a fit to get him to turn around and head back to her place crossed her mind, but by then he was already hitting the button for his private garage. The close proximity to her place was a plus, she decided as she followed him inside, taking the pregnancy test from him as she went. If she had to, she could just hike it back to her place in Logan Square. Sure, it was one of the murder hotspots of the city, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
“I have to read the directions,” she muttered, heading for the powder room off the main living area upstairs. “This might take a while.”
“It’s not rocket science, babe. All it takes is pissing on a stick and time. Once you’re done, we’re going to spend that time talking things out.”
That sounded fun. Not. “I’m not in the mood to talk.”
“Then be in the mood to listen. Get the test done and come back out so we can get things squared away.”
“There’s nothing to square away.”
“Please, Essie.”
That stopped her in her tracks. Even her heart went still, she was sure of it. Then it tripped over itself to catch back up, and she found herself nodding in mute agreement before closing the powder room door, silently stunned. The word please wasn’t something a man like Ezekiel Steele used lightly. A force of nature didn’t have to ask or beg. It simply was, and everyone else bent or worked around it, or suffered the consequences.
He must mean business if he was trotting out big guns like please.
He was right about it not being rocket science. Unhygienic, maybe, but not rocket science. After it was done, and reminding herself for the countless time that with her scarring and the use of condoms it was virtually impossible for there to be a pregnancy, she left the test on the bathroom vanity and headed back out. She found him leaning against the wall by the door, head down and arms crossed. The second the door opened his head came up and his eyes were on her, and she had to consciously shore up her defenses at that head-on impact.
“I wish you’d dropped me at my apartment,” she blurted in a rush before he could take things in a direction she wasn’t sure she could handle. “In fact, I wish you hadn’t followed me in the first place. That’s a habit you’re going to have to break.”
“The only way that’s going to happen is if you get in the habit of telling me where you’re going, and even then I’d track you just to make sure you’re safely where you’re supposed to be.”
“That’s kind of stalkery.”
“There’s no kind of about it.” He pushed away from the wall, took her hand and led her to the nearest sofa. Before she could sit like a normal person, she suddenly found her feet coming up off the ground. She squeaked and clutched at his shoulders even as he sat down with her on his lap, her booty snuggled against his crotch, her back against the armrest and her legs on the cream-colored seat cushions. “There we go. Nice and comfy.”
“Steele, no, we can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Alarmed at how susceptible she was to being in contact with his heated, muscular body, she tried to roll off of him. She barely moved a centimeter as he held her firmly in place. “Seriously, no. Do you remember when we broke up? I know I’m brand new to the dating game, but I’m positive broken-up couples don’t do things like this.”
“You are new to the game, so you don’t know that what happened was us hitting a rough patch, not breaking up. You don’t hit the eject button just because you don’t see eye to eye on something, sweetness. You fight your way through the rough patch until you get to the other side, because what you have together is worth fighting for. A fighter like you should be game for that.”
“This isn’t a rough patch.” With a frustrated sigh she gave up the struggle, and closed her eyes. It was the only way she had left of keeping her defenses in place. “This isn’t something that can be negotiated or worked through. It’
s fundamentally opposing views on how things have to be. I like you. I respect you. I desire you. I love you. What I have to offer is the complete package. It doesn’t get any more complete. But since you’re not willing to go all out for me with that same package deal—not willing to even try to return my feelings at some point in the future—I realized that’s something I can’t live with. You don’t think I’m worth it.”
The arms holding her tightened convulsively. “Fuck, Essie, no.”
“But the thing is, I am worth it, Steele,” she went on, trying futilely to hold her body away from his while her eyes burned with tears she refused to let him see. “Maybe not to you, but I know I am. I have so much to give. Sure, I could stay with you, give you everything I have and hope for the best. But day by day, the knowledge that the man I love doesn’t feel I’m worth the effort it takes to overcome his inner wounds would eventually grind me into nothing. That’s why this isn’t a rough patch. I have to believe that somewhere, at some point in my life, I’ll meet someone who’s going to know I’m worth any effort it takes, because he’ll find me just as miraculous as I’ll find him. It breaks my heart to admit it, but that’s not you.”
And she’d thought his hold couldn’t get any tighter. “Don’t you fucking say that, Essie. There’s no one else for me but you.”
Damn it, he wasn’t hearing her. “But you’re not the man for me, Steele. There’s nothing more painful in this world for me to admit, but you’re not.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.” A hand moved up to cup the back of her head, but before he could bring her mouth to his, she ducked her chin. Instead her face was pushed into his neck and he held her so tightly it was as though he feared she’d be sucked out of his arms at any moment. “You’re mine. I’m yours. We belong together. I fucked up and made you think that’s not true, that you’re not worth the effort, and I should be fucking shot for that. Any man who does that to his woman probably deserves to lose her, but I can’t let that happen. I won’t. I’ll spend every minute of my life proving that I am the only one for you. You’ll never have to wonder if there’s something better out there in the world for you. You’ll have the best right next to you, because that’s where I’ll be. I’ll give you everything you could possibly want. It’s you and me together in this world, sweetness. Believe it.”
Giving her everything she wanted, she thought, despairing. Except for the one thing she needed. “You’re not listening to me.”
“Luke said he had a talk with you,” he said bizarrely, changing directions so fast it should have given her whiplash. “He told you I went back to Louisiana before the fashion show, and why.”
It had been something about Steele getting his shit together, and seeing how he’d idealized the life he’d had before he was wounded. But it basically boiled down to one thing. “Apolline.”
She felt him sigh. “Yeah, okay. I went back because of Apolline, but also because I had a lot of other shit that needed to get sorted. When that mortar went off and turned half my face into hamburger, it also did a real number on my head. It’s taken all this time to get that mess unscrambled. You know what that’s like better than most—you just keep thinking if you can go home again, everything will be all right. It’s not rational, that thought. It’s denial, a rejection of how everything’s changed, especially you, and that denial takes deep root in places you don’t even know are there until you trip over those roots and fall flat on your fucking face.”
That much she understood, all too well.
“Even after I’d recovered physically, some of that crazy denial was hanging around in my head. I still believed that the life I’d been forced to leave behind was more… I don’t know. Perfect, I guess. Better than what I had now, anyway, or would ever have again.”
The hurt that squeezed her chest was so, so cold. “I know. You made that clear.” Unbearably so.
His arms tightened, as if he could somehow protect her from the hurt thrumming through every part of her. “I didn’t know I had it all turned around in my head, Essie. I had to see it to believe it. I went back to see what it was that I’d once had, and what I thought was still there. I had to see what I thought I was missing.” He shook his head, a quick motion filled with self-directed impatience. “I made sure I took in everything, from the house Apolline and I shared, to her parents who helped raise me, and even Apolline herself. I took my time, drank it all in… and I felt absolutely nothing.”
That made her frown against his neck before she brought her face up to search his expression. “What do you mean, nothing?”
“I mean total indifference. You can also file my response under Don’t Give A Shit. Come to find out, I didn’t need a damn thing from my old life—I haven’t for a long time. All I felt was stupid for thinking all that ancient history was what I needed to be happy. I wasted fucking years aching for a life I’d lost, missing people who didn’t give a shit about me when it mattered the most. Worse than that, I put you through hell because of it. So yeah, I felt like a total dumbass for keeping my eye on the past, instead of looking at you right here in the present.”
“What is it that you see when you see me?” Then she jerked her head to one side, an unconscious move to avoid another blow. “Wait. Don’t answer that. I’m not perfect, so I don’t want to know what you see. I’m just curious if Apolline seemed as perfect as you remembered her?”
“Essie, look at me. Look at me.” He got her chin in a firm hold and brought her unwilling gaze back to his. “I never once compared the two of you, so don’t put that on me. The fact is, you’re incomparable to any woman in this whole fucking world, and that includes Apolline. Besides, you can believe me when I say that woman can’t hold a goddamn candle to you. You glow from the inside out. You’re beautiful, so much so it kind of pisses me off, since your brand of beauty attracts every guy with a functioning dick. But when I look into your eyes and see your goodness, your sweetness, your endless courage and strength, I’m so stunned by you I can’t even breathe.”
Her heart fluttered wildly in her chest. “There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Everything I said was accurate, but it still doesn’t answer your question.” Smiling, he pressed his lips to her brow as if he thought her response was ridiculous—which it kind of was—before he went on. “I never compared you and my ex because I can’t even wrap my mind around such a thing. Even when I had her up on a pedestal that she didn’t deserve, I was still able to figure out that much.”
“Really.” She couldn’t help but frown dubiously, which earned her a hard squeeze.
“Yeah, really. The boy I once was needed a pretty little storybook princess, and on the surface that’s what Apolline was—blonde and delicate and gracious, as long as life was going her way. And her parents made sure life always went her way. That’s why I never saw the ugliness that lurked under the princess façade until something happened that her parents couldn’t fix.”
“They should all be ashamed of themselves.”
“I think they are, deep down, the Toussards especially,” he added, surprising her. “I could tell by the way they couldn’t quite look me in the eye, and the strain in their smiles. But they never copped to their shitty behavior straight out, and that’s weak. What’s weaker is that when we were left alone to talk and finally put the past behind us, Apolline tried hitting on me.”
It was sickening, how her pulse jerked to a stop. “Did you…”
“No, I sure as fuck did not,” came the offended reply. “Even if I didn’t have you back home waiting for me to get my head out of my ass, I still wouldn’t have been tempted by that spoiled little bitch. Not only because she showed her true colors and abandoned me when I was wounded, but because she’s married.”
“Married?”
“Yeah. Apolline remarried almost three years ago, Es. She has a two-year old kid and a nice, settled life in the ‘burbs. The man she married seems to be a decent g
uy who works his ass off hawking used cars to put a damn roof over her head, so she had no fucking right to make some skank play for me like that. Woman has zero concept of loyalty.”
He sounded so disgusted she couldn’t help but relax a fraction. “So… she doesn’t still own your heart?”
“She never owned it. She killed my heart.”
“No,” Essie shook her head. “Your heart just got so horribly broken it gave up on trying to do anything beyond beating. It kept you alive, but that was it. And really, what kind of a life is that?”
“An empty one.” He pushed her hair back from her face before he palmed her jaw, his thumb caressing her cheek. “But at the time, emptiness was what I needed. I even got used to it, so much that when you came into my life I didn’t want to let it go.”
“Emptiness doesn’t hurt, and I get that. But it also doesn’t bring you joy.”
“At the time I didn’t look at it that way. I’d loved Apolline since I was a child, so I didn’t know there could be anything better than that as an adult. I was sure I wasn’t missing anything. But now I see how jacked up that thinking was, and I have you to thank for it.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You brought me back to life, sweetness. Somehow, you put life back into a heart that I thought was gone for good. When I’m with you, I feel so much it’s almost painful. But it’s a beautiful pain that goes all the way to my soul, and I never want that feeling to go away. I want to feel it every second of my life because feeling it means I’m with you, and there’s no place in this world I’d rather be.”
She closed her eyes as a surge of hope crashed through her, and it was almost strong enough to wipe out the lingering doubt. Almost. “If you ever need to be with someone else—”
“I won’t.”
She tried again. “The thing is, I’m not perfect.”
“Neither am I.”
“I’ll never be perfect. I’ll never measure up to anything close to perfect, and I don’t want to ever have to feel like I should apologize for that. I’m me. Scars and all, I’m me. I’m not much, but I’m the only me I’ve got, and I’m not sorry about the person I am.”
