Dead Men Don't Disco

by Michael Campling

  “Okay.” Cooper forced a smile. “It’s through that door. I’ll show you the way.”

  “Swell.” Brent looked around. “Vince, what are you doing? Let’s go.”

  Vince showed no signs of moving from his seat. “I thought…maybe I should stay.” He cast a furtive glance at Rachel. “You know, in case Mr. Halbrook comes back.”

  “Oh no,” Brent said. “I know exactly what you’re thinking, and no, you cannot sit here making cow eyes at a certain someone while we’re burning shoe leather. You’re coming along with us.”

  “Seriously though…” Vince began, but Maisie’s glare cut him short.

  “You’re coming with us,” she said, “and that’s all there is to it.”

  Vince’s gaze went from Maisie to Rachel and back again, then he stood slowly, straightening his jacket. “All right. I’m coming. No need to get angry about it.”

  Maisie looked as though she was about to launch into an argument, but Brent didn’t give her the chance. “Lead on, Doctor Cooper,” he said. “Show us where the magic happens.”

  Their journey took them through a maze of almost identical corridors, and Cooper had to stop several times to fumble his way through secure doors, each one apparently calling for some combination of his handprint, his voice, his ID card, and his retina. But after a while, Cooper picked up his pace, and his expression brightened as he called back to them: “We’re almost there.”

  “Thank God for that,” Brent grumbled. “I keep expecting to see a Minotaur.”

  “I’m impressed,” Maisie said. “I didn’t have you down as someone who’d know Greek mythology.”

  Brent grunted under his breath. “I’ll have you know that I’m very widely read. You can learn a great deal from the backs of cereal boxes. Not only do I have a passing acquaintance with myths and legends, but I’m also well versed in important inventions of the Twentieth Century, the birds of Africa, and the works of Elvis Presley.” He paused. “Plus, I know a surprising amount about vitamins and minerals.” He looked Maisie up and down. “Would you like to know the recommended daily intake of calcium for a woman of your age?”

  Maisie’s eyes flashed dangerously. “Do not dare to speculate as to how old I am, Brent. I will not be scrutinized like some pork chop that’s rapidly approaching its Sell By date, and any attempt to make lewd remarks on the subject will not end well for you.”

  “Lewd? You’re saying I’m lewd?” Brent demanded. “I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

  “I’ll get in touch with the folks at Choco-pop-frosticles,” Maisie said, arching her eyebrows. “I’m sure they could squeeze the definition in somewhere, right alongside the warnings of tooth decay and just below the thinly veiled threats about type two diabetes.” She chortled to herself. “Actually, they could mention you while they’re about it: Brent Bolster may damage your health. Avoid frequent exposure. Best avoided by women of child-bearing age.”

  “Cut it out, you two,” Vince said wearily. “The Doc looks like he’s got something to say.”

  Doctor Cooper had stopped in the corridor, wringing his hands as he waited for them to catch up. “Sorry, but I forgot to tell you something.” He gestured toward a plain wooden door that boasted no touch screen or entry pad. “We can only get to my lab through here. And there are stairs. Lots of them.”

  “Downward?” Brent asked hopefully, but Cooper shook his head as he pulled the door open.

  “The lower levels are reserved for important equipment and top-secret projects,” Cooper explained. “My lab is on the top floor.” He offered an apologetic smile then stepped inside, the others following him into a gloomy stairwell.

  As they trudged upward, their footsteps echoing from the bare concrete walls, Brent’s heart sank. Whereas the reception area had been spotlessly bright, the stairwell became increasingly shabby as they neared the top floor. Dust and grit coated the steps, and the overhead lighting flickered and flared reluctantly as if it had long since given up the will to do its job. Poor old Doc, he thought. This was Cooper’s domain, his kingdom, his whole world, but it was obvious that, to Mark Halbrook and his ilk, the doctor was best kept out of sight and out of mind.

  Above Brent, Cooper paused on a landing and produced a large bunch of keys, selecting the correct one with great care. “Here we are,” he called out as he inserted the key into an old-fashioned mortise lock and turned it twice. “Give me a minute.”

  He repeated the process with two more locks before sliding a fourth key into a slot and jiggling it furiously. “Come on,” he grumbled, then finally, with a strained cry of triumph, he pushed the door open, inviting them to enter with an expansive wave of his arm.

  “Thanks,” Brent said uncertainly as he stepped inside. “Nice place you have here, but is it always so dark?”

  “Dark?” Cooper stumbled over the threshold, cursing under his breath. “The damned lights are supposed to come on when somebody walks in, but they must be on the fritz again.”

  He disappeared into the pitch-black shadows, and Brent heard the repeated clicking of a switch, followed moments later by a series of progressively loud thumps on the wall. Vince and Maisie peered in from the doorway, but Brent’s only answer to their questioning looks was a resigned half shrug.

  “Maybe we should come back another time,” Vince suggested. “Mr. Halbrook might be looking for us by now.”

  Maisie pursed her lips. “We all know why you want to go back, but there’s no rush. I expect Rachel’s not even there anymore. She must need to recharge sometime.”

  “Very funny,” Vince said, but before he could launch into an argument, Cooper let out a yelp, and the lab was suddenly filled with bright light.

  “Are you all right, Doc?” Brent asked, but Cooper dismissed the question with a fluttering of his fingertips.

  “Come in! Come in!” Cooper said, ushering them inside before closing the door. “And you needn’t concern yourselves about this,” he called over his shoulder. He threw a deadbolt across the door then began his routine with the keys all over again. “Just a precaution. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.”

  Brent narrowed his eyes. “Doc, did you ever try that therapist we talked about? Only…” He left his words hanging in the air and spun around, his eyes searching every corner of the lab. “Is there someone else in here? I swear I heard something.”

  All eyes went to Doctor Cooper. “Just my little friends. They’re harmless. Harmless enough, anyhow.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” Brent demanded, the hairs on the back of his neck breaking out into an improvised samba. Why didn’t I keep him from locking the door? But it was too late. Something was coming. Pattering footsteps tapped against the hard floor, the rhythm rapidly accelerating and yet strangely irregular. Visions of horribly mutated monsters rattled through Brent’s imagination: huge insects with clicking limbs; slavering sea creatures scuttling crab-like to grab him with their dripping claws. Or even worse, there could be…small children! So when he saw the bumbling balls of fur bounding between the lab’s benches, he almost laughed. “Dogs? You have dogs locked in here?”

  Maisie knelt to greet the pair of black puppies, and as if recognizing a long-lost friend, they raced toward her and planted their front paws on her chest, the better to reach her face with their pink tongues. “Oh, they’re adorable. Are they Labradors?”

  “No, I think they belong to the Doc,” Vince said, inching back toward the door. “And should they be in here? I mean, this place is supposed to be clean, right? And some people have allergies. Like me, for instance.”

  “Labrador is the breed,” Maisie replied, her attention on the dogs as she pushed them gently down. “Aren’t you beautiful? Yes, you are, aren’t you?”

  The dogs signaled their general agreement by licking Maisie’s hands enthusiastically before rolling over to present their stomachs for inspection. Maisie made cooing noises as she tickled the dogs’ bellies, and Brent fought hard against the tide of smart remark
s rising in his mind. He looked to his fellow males for the knowing glances that might show their common understanding, but Vince was pressing himself back against the wall, his face frozen in a grimace, and Cooper only had eyes for his dogs, watching with pride as they wriggled on their backs.

  “You didn’t leave them locked in the dark, did you?” Maisie asked without looking up. “You poor little things. Were you all alone? Were you? Yes, you were.”

  “I have my assistant look after them when I’m not here,” Cooper said apologetically. “Where is she, anyway? She’s supposed to be on duty tonight.” He scratched his forehead distractedly. “Until last week, I kept the dogs at home, but there was a problem with my landlord. Harsh words were exchanged, and I’m afraid that someone got bitten rather hard.”

  “Surely not,” Maisie protested. “These little darlings wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

  Cooper shook his head. “The dogs weren’t to blame. The stupid man tried to grab them far too roughly, and they defended themselves.” He sighed. “And then things escalated, and I’m sorry to report that a stout stick was used in a regrettably aggressive fashion.”

  “But that’s terrible!” Maisie cried out. “He hit these poor little creatures? Of all the vicious, mindless, brutish things to do.”

  “No, I hit the landlord,” Cooper replied. He frowned. “I whacked him with a walking stick I keep by the door. I don’t know what came over me. And of course, the swine threw me out. Still, I’ve been able to sleep here until I can find something better. There’s a storeroom at the back and it’s quite, er…” He looked at them expectantly as if hoping someone would finish his sentence.

  “Cozy?” Vince offered. “Snug?”

  “I was trying to choose between repulsive and repugnant,” Cooper said, “but for the moment, we’ll simply call it inadequate.” He sighed as he gestured toward a door at the back of the lab. “Through there. Tiny and smelly.”

  As Cooper finished speaking, the door opened, and a young woman appeared, her white lab coat disheveled and her short brown hair tangled and awry as if it were determined to stretch the word tousled to its very limits.

  “Which one are you?” Brent asked. “Tiny or Smelly?”

  “What?” The young woman squinted at Brent then rubbed her eyes with her knuckles in a curiously childlike manner. “Did you just…did you just say what I thought you said?”

  “Never mind about that,” Cooper chipped in. “Everyone, this is my assistant, Doctor Ellen Granger.”

  Ellen glared at him as she made her way across the lab to join them. “How many times? Do not refer to me like that. I’m employed by GIT, not by you.”

  Cooper carried on as if she hadn’t spoken. “Ellen, this is Ms. Richmond, Mr. Bolster, and his assistant, Mr. Claybourne.”

  “Charmed, I’m sure,” Ellen drawled, arching her left eyebrow to show that she was anything but. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

  “The Doc’s showing us around,” Brent said, offering his hand for a shake. “We were invited by Mark Halbrook. And when I say invited, I mean bulldozed.”

  Ellen shook his hand, a faint grin playing on her lips. “Figures. That’s the way things roll around here. The human resources department is kind of like the Spanish Inquisition only slightly more judgmental.” She looked him in the eye. “And for the record, I am neither tiny nor smelly, although with those mutts running around the place, I fear that my standards may be slipping.”

  “I doubt that very much,” Brent said, then he watched as Ellen shook hands with Maisie and Vince, her movements brisk and businesslike. She didn’t waste time with false smiles or inane small talk, and frankly, he liked her style.

  “Were you sleeping in the storeroom again?” Cooper asked her. “You know that cot is mine.”

  “Gee, what gave me away?” Ellen ran her hands through her hair, pulling it back from her face. “Give me a break, man. I’m doing you a favor by looking after your dogs. And where the hell have they got to, anyway?” She looked around and Brent realized that the puppies had wandered off, no doubt tired of being ignored.

  Ellen pointed to a dark space beneath a bench in the corner of the room. “Spotty! Bumface! No! Get out of there. Do not pee on the…” She dropped her hands dramatically to her side. “Too late. Doc, since you’re here, I reckon you can do the honors. There’s a mop in the closet.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t call them those horrid names,” Cooper protested. “It’s Lottie and Bumble.” He smiled as the dogs emerged from their hiding place, their heads hung low in shame. “It’s all right, you two. You couldn’t help it.”

  “I had the same problem with Vince,” Brent chipped in. “What you need to do is get them outside as often as you can. With Vince, it’s easy. I keep sending him out for fresh coffee. That seems to work.”

  “Not funny,” Vince stated, casting a baleful eye at Ellen. Her shoulders were shaking, and she turned her face away, making an effort to turn her suppressed chortle into a cough.

  “I’ll tell you what,” Cooper began, “Doctor Granger, if you could clear this up one last time, I’ll have the dogs out of here in the morning, and I’ll cover your shift tomorrow.”

  Ellen pursed her lips. “I want a week off. Paid. Starting tomorrow.”

  “I thought you didn’t work for Doctor Cooper,” Maisie said pointedly, but Ellen ignored her, keeping her eyes fixed on her colleague.

  Cooper hesitated, his brow furrowed. “All right. I’ll put it in the system and authorize it. If anyone asks, I’ll say it was booked ages ago. All right?”

  “That works for me,” Ellen said, turning on her heel and marching off toward a tall closet. “But nobody will ask,” she called out as she rummaged in the cupboard. “We’ve been forgotten up here, Cooper. Nobody gives a damn about our work.” She emerged from the closet holding a mop, and she studied its head of graying threads thoughtfully. “I’d be better off working as a janitor someplace. At least I might get a little recognition.” She sighed and crossed to the corner, poking the mop beneath the bench with more force than was strictly necessary.

  Brent had the urge to go and help her, to take the mop from her hands and do the job himself, just to see her smile again. But the odor of dog urine was already filtering through the air, and it was definitely dampening the brief flame of chivalry that had stirred in his soul. Maybe later, he thought, if she ever has a problem that matches my unique set of special skills. For a moment, he tried to picture a situation in which the young scientist might need his help, but for the life of him, he couldn’t think of a single thing. From what he’d seen so far, Ellen Granger could fight her own battles.

  “If I’m being perfectly honest, I have to get the dogs out of here anyway,” Cooper began, his voice low and his watchful gaze following Doctor Granger as she worked. “It’s only a matter of time before security finds them, and I can’t risk that. I heard that Glenda in accounting had an unauthorized spider plant in her cubicle, and when the guards discovered it, they carried out a controlled explosion.”

  “They blew up a spider plant?” Vince asked. “Seems kind of excessive.”

  “They blew up her cubicle,” Cooper replied. “They saw Glenda’s little plant as a sign of a deeper treachery. There could’ve been surveillance devices in the desk and the panels, or so they claimed. The security people are always on the lookout for signs of espionage, especially in accounting. A great deal of money flows through this place, but where it comes from, and where it goes, very few people know.”

  “What happened to Glenda?” Maisie asked. “Please don’t tell me that she was in the cubicle at the time, because I have very little patience with urban myths.”

  Cooper blinked. “Glenda was reassigned. She works in the mailroom now.”

  “GIT still use the regular mail?” Vince let out a derisive snort. “Weird.”

  “That’s just it,” Cooper said. “We don’t use it. Not anymore. I’m told that it’s very quiet down there. But they say that Glenda
got used to the night shift, eventually. After all, the mailroom is deep underground, so I expect she became accustomed to a life lived in perpetual darkness.”

  “And you brought your dogs into this place?” Brent said. “Kind of risky, Doc.”

  “What would you have me do?” Cooper demanded. “Tie them to a railing and walk away?” He ran his hand across his brow. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, but you see, I had no choice. There was nowhere else.”

  The puppies started scampering around Maisie’s feet, and she looked down at them sadly. “What are you going to do with them now? I guess they’ll have to go into a kennel.”

  “I couldn’t put them in one of those places. I couldn’t do it.” Cooper looked hopefully around the group. “I was thinking that one of you…”

  Maisie held up her hand. “I can’t do it. There’s no way. My building doesn’t allow pets of any kind.”

  “And I’m allergic to pretty much everything,” Vince put in. “I’m getting hives from just standing here.”

  Brent pursed his lips. A room full of people staring at him expectantly was usually his cue to leave via the nearest available exit, but they were on the top floor, and the door had been comprehensively locked. Plus, when he glanced at Ellen Granger, she was studying him carefully, a quizzical smile on her lips. I can’t let them bamboozle me, he thought. Obviously, I can’t have dogs in my apartment, and the office is out of the question. So it was with some surprise that he heard himself saying, “Yeah, I’ll take care of the little mutts for you, Doc. I’ll make a space for them in the office. It’s the least I can do.”

  Cooper beamed. “Thank you, Brent. That’s very kind. And you’ll hardly notice us.”

  “Us?”

  “Naturally, I’ll be there too, but I’ll pack the cot away during the day, and I’ll clear up after the dogs,” Cooper said. “It’s only temporary. I’ll be looking for somewhere new and then moving on as soon as I possibly can.”

  “But there’s the dirt and the smell,” Vince moaned. “And what about all the hairs and the flakes of dead skin floating around in the air?”