Return of the Magi

by P. J. Tracy

  Foster clicked the other cuff on his own wrist. ‘So, Emil – just for my own edification here – you did the great escape, why didn’t you ditch the old broads and bolt?’

  Emil sighed miserably. He watched Gloria and Edith shoot dagger glares at Foster. ‘I was getting to that.’

  ‘No, you weren’t. You could have been halfway to Bethlehem by now, and instead you end up in front of every news camera in Vegas. What are you doing here?’

  Edith leaned forward, still glaring at Foster. ‘He didn’t want to leave us. He was concerned for our welfare.’

  ‘Yeah, right. Emil Rice, the great humanitarian.’ Foster snorted, then returned his attention to Emil. ‘Day I dropped you off, those two were all over you. Freaked you out pretty good, as I recall.’

  ‘Yeah, well, things change.’

  ‘That’s news to me. So what’s their story?’

  Emil shrugged. ‘All I know is the wise-men gig.’

  ‘I see by your outfit that you’re a wise man, too.’

  ‘It’s not funny, Foster. They really believe it.’

  Foster sighed. ‘Could have been worse. They could have pegged you for the Christ child. Then you’d be running around here in swaddling clothes, whatever the hell they are.’

  ‘I think the sick kid upstairs is supposed to be the Christ child.’ Emil leaned in close to Foster and whispered, out of the corner of his mouth, ‘You have to get them some help.’

  Foster looked at him curiously. ‘Don’t worry, it’s on the way.’

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Sanchez and Myers were still stationed at the door, watching Foster and Emil go back and forth at each other.

  ‘Why do you owe Foster twenty bucks?’

  ‘He won the pool again,’ Sanchez grumbled. ‘He said Emil would find a way out of Clark County by Christmas Eve and it’s Christmas Eve.’

  Myers chuckled. ‘If there’s anybody in the world who knows Emil Rice inside and out, it’s him. I mean, look at them sniping at each other. They’re like an old married couple.’

  ‘I wonder what’s taking so long.’

  ‘Who knows? Hey, Sanchez, do you remember the names of the three wise men? It’s been driving me nuts.’

  Sanchez frowned. ‘I think one of them’s called Caspar or Gaspar or something like that.’

  ‘Yeah. And there’s Melchior … So, who’s the third guy?’

  ‘Caspar, Melchior, and … I can’t remember, and I just saw Amahl and the Night Visitors.’

  ‘I think it begins with F, doesn’t it?’

  ‘No, it doesn’t. You’re thinking of frankincense, that stuff they brought. What – you think the third wise man was named Frank?’ Sanchez nodded toward the two old women Emil had kidnapped. ‘Go ask them. They ought to know.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  Myers came back a few minutes later, a serious expression on his face.

  ‘So? Did they know the name of the third wise man?’

  Myers nodded solemnly. ‘Emil Rice.’

  They stared at each other for a moment, straight-faced, then burst out laughing.

  ***

  Foster watched the crabby battleship of a nurse who’d spiked him walk into the room holding a computer printout. Her expression wasn’t so vexed anymore. In fact, she looked downright happy.

  ‘Excuse me! Excuse me!’ she yelled, silencing everybody in the room. ‘Is there a Henry Foster present?’

  Foster and Emil exchanged a puzzled glance, then Foster raised his free hand. ‘Yeah, right here.’

  The nurse recognized him instantly, and looked a little shocked. ‘Well, Mr Clark County Probation Officer, congratulations. Looks like you came here to ruin a life and instead you might end up saving one. You’re a potential match.’

  The room was silent for a brief, hanging moment, then exploded with cheers.

  Emil smiled a little when he saw Gloria and Edith jump to their feet, joining in the excitement. Sure, they didn’t know what was going on, but at least they seemed happy. And maybe that was a bonus to being a little tweaked in the head – random stuff could make you happy, even if you didn’t get it.

  The nurse walked over and eyed the handcuffs. ‘Mr Foster, the Montgomerys want you to come upstairs and meet Bobby.’

  He lifted his cuffed hand, dragging Emil’s up with it. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Bring him along. Follow me.’

  Gloria and Edith were ecstatic. ‘We’re finally going to see the child, Emil!’

  The nurse gave them an apologetic look and gestured toward Foster and Emil. ‘Sorry, just these two, nobody else.’

  The sisters stared at the nurse, devastated. ‘But we must go!’ Edith cried.

  ‘Yeah,’ Emil said firmly. ‘They have to go. I’m taking care of them, and you don’t know what you’re dealing with here.’

  The nurse shook her head. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Come on.’ Foster started dragging Emil behind him, but he dug in his heels.

  ‘FOSTER!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’ve gotta do something!’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Gloria and Edith have to come with us. I can’t leave them.’

  Foster looked at the sisters, who were now in tears. ‘Are you out of your mind?’

  ‘Listen,’ Emil hissed. ‘Just look at them! They’re unraveling!’

  ‘Yeah, well, they’re crazy. Isn’t that what crazy people do, unravel?’

  Emil stood his ground. ‘I can’t go without them. I won’t go without them.’

  Foster grunted. ‘What are you going to do? Chew your hand off? Look, Emil, I’m not an idiot. I know exactly where you’re going with this. You want me to take the cuffs off so you can supposedly stay with those two, and then you’ll zip out right past Sanchez and Myers. I don’t know how you’ll do it, but you will find a way, so clamp it and start walking.’

  ‘Foster.’

  ‘For God’s sake, what?’

  ‘Please. They have to go upstairs with us.’

  Foster gave Emil a hard look. The kid was the most reliably insincere conniving little rat on the face of the planet, and he’d learned long ago how to read him. But he didn’t see any of that in his eyes now, which was really weird. Maybe it was a new con, but right now, it didn’t matter – a kid was dying in Intensive Care, and maybe he, Henry Foster, had a chance to save his life.

  He looked at the nurse, took a deep breath, and pled his case.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  ‘This is just great,’ Foster grumbled, as he and Emil trudged up to Intensive Care, followed by Edith, Gloria, Sanchez and Myers. ‘I’ve got a nurse from Hell in front of me, a con handcuffed to my wrist, and two nut-jobs bringing up the rear. Seriously, Emil, before they lock you up and throw away the key, you have to tell me what this is all about.’

  Emil risked a sideward glance and noticed Foster pondering his shoes as they walked, a deep frown creasing his face. ‘Fair enough, Foster. And thanks.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  Emil turned and looked at Gloria and Edith, who smiled and gave him little waves. He waved back. ‘Doing okay, ladies?’

  They both nodded serenely.

  ‘They actually don’t seem so crazy,’ Foster commented.

  ‘They’re high-functioning.’

  ‘High-functioning what?’

  ‘Delusional paranoid schizophrenics. They think they’re fulfilling their destiny right now.’

  Foster cocked a brow at him. ‘What – you get a psych degree in the past two days?’

  Emil shrugged. ‘Nah, I just learned a few things.’

  ‘Well, I guess that’s something.’ Foster let out a shaky sigh. ‘God, I hate being around sick people. I don’t want to see this kid. What am I supposed to say to him?’

  Emil broke a smile. The old coot was actually nervous. ‘Well, you can start by telling him why you’ve got a man in a skirt handcuffed to your wrist. Kid’s bound to be curious about that.’

  Th
e nurse stopped at a large interior window that looked into a hospital room, where a very still, frail boy lay in bed. His parents were hovering over him, oblivious to the audience on the other side of the glass. ‘Here we are. Mr Foster, you know what to do.’

  Foster nodded, dug in his pocket for the cuff key and freed himself from Emil. ‘Sanchez, Myers, don’t take your eyes off him for a second, you got it?’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere, Foster,’ Emil said wearily, scrunching alongside Edith and Gloria, who had their hands pressed against the glass as they stared at Bobby Montgomery in awe. He saw tears running down their cheeks and felt his throat tighten.

  Gloria let out a little sob. ‘I never thought this moment would come.’

  Edith reached to wipe the tears from her sister’s cheeks. ‘It wouldn’t have without Emil.’ They both turned to him and wrapped their arms around him. ‘You are such a blessing, dear.’

  Emil had no clue what to do, so he hugged them back, looking over the diminutive sisters’ shoulders to exchange an embarrassed glance with Myers and Sanchez. But the cops weren’t paying him any mind: they were staring into the room where Foster was also in an embrace – the embrace of Bobby Montgomery’s parents.

  Emil delicately extricated himself from the sisters’ hugs and put on a gentle smile, hoping to distract them. ‘So, what do you think? Does the child look like you thought he would?’

  Gloria tapped a forefinger on her lips, carefully considering. ‘Well, now that you ask, I am a bit surprised that he wasn’t just born.’

  ‘Not this time,’ Edith said with certainty. ‘This time he was dying, and then he was saved. Which means our sequel is going to be much longer than we thought. But we still don’t have any gifts. Emil?’

  ‘Actually, I think Foster is the best gift this kid is ever going to get.’

  ‘I certainly can’t believe that,’ Edith said skeptically, leveling another glare at Foster. ‘Oh, look! The child sees us!’ She waved her arms.

  Emil peered through the glass and saw the poor little kid smiling at them. His face and body were skeletal, but he lifted his hand and wiggled his fingers in a weak greeting.

  ***

  Foster reluctantly walked over to Bobby Montgomery’s bed at the insistence of his parents. They’d been hard enough to deal with, with the hugs and gratitude, but this truly sucked. The poor kid was gray and probably weighed two pounds, was clearly in a ton of pain and yet had a big smile on his face. ‘Hi, Bobby,’ he said awkwardly.

  ‘Hi,’ he rasped quietly. ‘You brought the wise men.’

  ‘Yeah. I guess I did.’

  ‘That’s so cool. Are those real policemen out there?’

  Foster smiled a little and nodded. ‘Yeah. They’re friends of mine.’

  ‘Are you a policeman, too?’

  ‘No, I’m a probation officer.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  Foster faltered, scrambling for a G-rated job description: ‘I watch dirt bags sink back into the sewer’ didn’t seem like the appropriate response. ‘Uh … well …’

  Mrs Montgomery stepped up to her son’s bed and laid a hand on his arm. ‘Probation officers help people, Bobby. When people get on the wrong track, Mr Foster helps them find their way again.’

  Well, that was news to Foster, but he smiled and nodded.

  ‘That’s cool. Are you sure you want to do this, Mr Foster? They’re going to stick a long needle in you.’

  ‘Oh, yeah? How long? This long?’ Foster stretched out his arms as far as they would go.

  Bobby giggled. ‘Longer! But it’s not so bad. They do it to me all the time. You get used to it.’

  ‘Well, that sucks.’

  ‘Pretty much.’

  ***

  Outside in the hall, Sanchez still had a firm grip on Emil’s arm.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Emil grumbled at him. ‘Do you have to hang onto me like that?’

  ‘Emil doesn’t like to be touched,’ Gloria explained.

  ‘Is that a fact?’

  Edith nodded. ‘Yes, it is.’

  Sanchez released his grip. ‘If you even move, I’ll taze you where you stand.’

  ‘I told you, I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘He’s speaking the truth,’ Gloria said.

  ‘So, tell me how you did it, Emil.’

  ‘Did what?’

  ‘Found a way out of Clark County. I’ve dropped off people there before and the place is tighter than Fort Knox.’

  ‘We showed him how,’ Edith offered.

  Sanchez looked at her doubtfully.

  ‘It’s true. We’ve known how to escape for years.’

  ‘And you didn’t try?’

  ‘Of course not. We had to wait for Emil to find us first. There are three wise men, not two.’

  ‘Ah, I’m getting it now.’ He looked at Emil. ‘So how did you end up being the third wise man?’

  ‘It’s a long story. I’ll tell you one day over a beer. If I ever get out of prison.’

  Gloria suddenly clasped her hands under her chin in delight. ‘Edith, look who’s here!’

  ‘Nurse Griffin! What a wonderful surprise.’

  Emil turned to see Nurse Griffin rushing down the hall and shrank down, wishing he could evaporate into thin air.

  She tried her best to look stern. ‘Edith and Gloria, I can’t believe you did this. You scared us half to death. Do you know how many people have been looking for you?’ She hugged them both and glared at Emil. ‘I expected more of you. You are in big trouble.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘I don’t suppose you’ll be coming back with us.’

  Emil glanced at Sanchez and Myers. ‘I don’t think so.’

  Foster emerged from Bobby Montgomery’s room then, blinking a lot. ‘Damn antiseptic burns my eyes.’

  Emil noticed a doctor approaching, briefly eyeing the odd collection of people clustered by Bobby Montgomery’s room, and who could blame him? ICU had probably never been so colorful.

  ‘Mr Foster?’

  Foster raised his head. ‘Yeah?’

  The doctor shook his hand vigorously. ‘I’m Tom White, Bobby’s oncologist. You’re a godsend, Mr Foster. We have more tests to run, but the way the lab results look so far, you might just save this boy’s life.’

  The full weight of that pronouncement left Foster shaken. How did you wrap your head around something like that? He felt a light punch on his arm, and turned to see Emil grinning at him.

  ‘Hey, Foster. Way to go, man.’

  Dr White handed Foster a sheaf of papers. ‘I know you have some business to take care of here, but when you’re finished, come to my office and we’ll go over the paperwork. I’ll explain what happens next and answer any questions you might have. I’m just down the hall, first door on the right.’

  Foster gave him a dazed nod. ‘Yeah, okay, I’ll be right there.’

  Gloria and Edith stared at Foster in disbelief for a moment, then turned to Emil. ‘Is it true, Emil?’ Edith asked. ‘That unpleasant man is actually going to save the child?’

  Emil smiled at them and shrugged. ‘Looks that way, ladies. How about that?’

  ‘Well, I for one just can’t believe they left all of this out of the book,’ Gloria huffed. ‘It’s going to take us forever to write the sequel.’

  Nurse Griffin stepped in to catch the sisters’ attention. ‘We’d better get you two home so you can start writing your sequel. Say your goodbyes now.’ She stepped aside and glanced up at Emil. This time, the chill was gone from her eyes.

  Emil walked up to the sisters and plucked the front of his costume sheepishly. ‘Sorry, but I got this pretty dirty, so I’ll send it to the cleaners and get it back to you as soon as I can, okay?’

  ‘Nonsense,’ Edith said. ‘That is your raiment, Emil. You must keep it.’

  Gloria nodded. ‘There’s no way of knowing when you might need it again.’

  Emil sighed and looked down at the purple velvet and the
gold braiding, dulled by desert sand. ‘Yeah, well, the way I figure, I won’t need it until I see you two again. This wise-man thing isn’t exactly a solo act.’

  ‘It certainly isn’t,’ Edith agreed.

  Emil kept his eyes down. ‘You take care, sisters, you hear me? Listen to Nurse Griffin, and no more coal chutes.’

  ‘Of course,’ Gloria reassured him. ‘When can you come home?’

  ‘Oh, boy. Well, it might be a while.’

  Edith placed a hand on his cheek. ‘We’ll miss you every minute, dear. But we’ll wait for you, just like we did before. We’re very good at waiting.’

  ‘I know!’ Gloria cried triumphantly. ‘We’ll decorate your room while you’re gone!’

  Edith clapped her hands together. ‘Excellent idea, Gloria!’

  Emil finally looked up with a smile he could trust. ‘Okay, but no ruffles or lace. Something fit for a king, right?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  He sidled in a little closer while he surreptitiously reached up into the sleeve of his robe and pulled Ralph’s Rolex down from his upper arm. As soon as he found the golden moment, when nobody but Edith and Gloria were paying attention to him, he slid it off his wrist and placed it in Edith’s palm. ‘Can you give this back to Ralph for me?’ he whispered.

  ‘Of course, dear,’ Edith whispered back.

  ‘Keep it under cover, okay?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I will, dear.’

  Nurse Griffin nudged her way in. ‘Come on, ladies, it’s time to leave. And you, Emil, you take care. And don’t forget what I said about nursing.’

  ‘Thanks, Nurse Griffin. I’m probably going to have a lot of time to study. Maybe enough time to get my doctorate.’

  ‘I hope you won’t be gone that long.’ She leaned in and spoke quietly into his ear. ‘Write to Edith and Gloria once in a while. It would make them very happy.’

  ‘I will. I promise.’

  He watched the women disappear down the hall and into a waiting elevator.

  Sanchez started cuffing Emil’s other wrist. ‘Come on, I got a cell with your name on it.’

  Emil willingly submitted. There was no gas left in his tank and no reason to fight, con or cajole. He was finished. Done. He didn’t know what the consequences would be yet, but he was ready for whatever got thrown at him.