“You can’t promise that.”
“Like hell I can’t.” His hands moved to my neck, almost as if he was holding up my head for me.
“Honey, you don’t get it. If it were just you and me? I’d say go off and fight that evil. Make right what has been wrong. And I’d be waiting for you, every time. I do get you and I know the kind of man you are, and no way could I ask you to not be who you are.”
He let go of me while still remaining crouched down, balancing his weight on the balls of his feet. “So then, what’s the problem, baby?”
I stared at him, incredulous. “You can ask that of me. You can’t ask that of Piper.”
“Piper’s fine. She’s resilient. And I’ll make sure to stay safe.”
I pushed him out of the way. “I can’t believe you! If you think that, then you are truly blind. That little girl just lost her mother, the only family she’s ever known, and you think she’s okay with her father disappearing for days at a time with the flimsy, arrogant promise of ‘don’t worry, I’ve got this’? You don’t know that. You can’t know that!”
He sprang up like an uncaged panther and slammed his fist into the wall. “Goddamn it, Jess! This is exactly why I kept my distance from her and her mom!”
The minute the words left his mouth, he realized what he said and his expression was immediately contrite, tense. I leaned my back against the wall so I didn’t fall over. My body became heavy, weighed down, like cinder blocks had been tied to my feet, right before I was thrown into the deep end of the water. I couldn’t get air in. I was drowning on dry land.
“You knew? You knew about her all this time and did nothing? You lied to me. How…how could you? Did you know how they lived? I don’t…I don’t understand…”
He wove his fingers behind his neck, pulling his head down. “Loni had told me she was pregnant and our deal was I’d send her money and she would raise Piper without her knowing about me. But I had no idea she squandered what I gave her at casinos. That woman had shit for brains and zero luck. When I found out, I would have killed her if she weren’t already dying.”
“That’s no excuse, and you know it.”
He placed his hands on his hips, staring out the window. “No, it isn’t. But you also got to know that, for years, I wrestled with PTSD. I wasn’t good for anyone, especially to a little girl.
“It’s being part of the Order that brought me back, what gives me purpose. I’m a soldier, Gingersnap. I came back and, yeah, I built a business, but I wasn’t much else. All these books you see here? That was me trying to fill myself with something other than the urge to hunt and kill.”
“Do you love Piper?”
He glared at me. “Of course I do. How can you ask me that?”
“If that’s true, then don’t ask her to live a life fearing she may lose the only parent she has left. Don’t let that fear be part of her life with you.”
He pressed his lips into a thin, hard line. “I don’t know how to be anything else.”
“Yes, you do,” I said. “You’re already an amazing father to her. You’re her whole world. And you didn’t see how she was this close to crumbling over the last five days when she didn’t know where you were or what was happening to you.”
He blew out an exasperated breath. “For all she knew, I was on a work trip.”
“Oh my God, really, Max? We had Tex on guard twenty-four-seven! We were sequestered in that condo for fear for our lives! And this is Piper we’re talking about—not some clueless, self-absorbed, typical kid. She’s brilliant and she notices everything. And I’m left trying to figure out what I can or can’t tell her without insulting her intelligence or completely freaking her out.”
“Oh so is that what this is really about? You’re good with hanging with my kid when she’s all sweetness and light, but when shit gets real you don’t want the responsibility?”
“That’s a load of horse crap and you know it, Max,” I snapped. “And you’re just trying to deflect from the truth. So, I’m going to give you some. The truth is? I am not her mother. Don’t get me wrong…I love her. I love her as if she were mine and I’m relieved it was me with her over these days because I knew she felt safe with me and she can trust me. But you never even asked if I was okay with what you were doing. You didn’t regard my opinion or me in any way at all. Because maybe if you had, you and I could’ve sat down and figured out the best way for you to go do what needed to be done while also making sure Piper was all right both inside and out.
“But you didn’t …and I have to wonder if maybe I’m also suffering from some deep delusion. Maybe the caring you have for me is more about me being a mother figure to Piper than it is about being your woman. Maybe you didn’t talk to me about any of this because I’m not the one keeping your heart beating everyday. Maybe you only love what I can do for you and it’s not really about me at all.” Tears were streaming down my face. There was a never-ending chasm between us. “I didn’t want to see it because…because I fell for you so hard…I thought I had enough love for both of us. And maybe I did, but I can’t stand by and let you do this to Piper over and over again. She deserves a father who’s present. You’re all she has left. And I love myself enough not to be some glorified nanny you just happen to be sleeping with.”
“C’mon Jess, you can’t really believe that.” He started coming toward me.
“Don’t,” I pleaded as I placed my hand on the doorknob. “I can’t do this.”
“So that’s it? You’re walking out on me?”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them and the door. I gazed back at him, taking him in one last time. I knew I’d see him again, but never like this.
“I will always be part of Piper’s life and so, in some way, I will never leave. And don’t worry: your secret is safe with me regarding how long you knew about her. But yes, I’m going.”
“You’re just upset over what’s gone down. Take a few days to cool off and then, let’s talk. I’m not ready to say goodbye and I know you’re not either.”
“All it would’ve taken for me to want to stay is to hear you say you love me too. You’ve never been a man to shy away from saying what’s on your mind or how you feel. So I’m taking that as my cue to get out while I still have some dignity left.”
I slammed the door and ran back to my house. As soon as I was on the other side of my front door, I clasped my hand to my mouth, slid down to my bottom, and cried myself sick. He didn’t love me. The man I loved more than anything or anyone in this world didn’t come after me or even bother to tell me I was wrong.
I lay on the floor of my foyer and died. Not physically. But I died all the same because the only heart I had that mattered stopped beating, no longer fueled by the touch and scent and sound of the man I thought was my other half. I was breathing but the air wasn’t feeding me. Eventually, I got myself up off the floor, into the shower, and then to my bed. I was beyond exhausted. Everything in me ached. And as the night went on and I stared at the ceiling, that ache burrowed deep into my bones, shattering them into a million pieces. On the outside, I looked whole, but I knew the truth. Under my pale skin and fiery hair lay a pile of ash, held together only by a heart, brain, and body foolishly programmed to beat and breathe on.
Chapter Twelve
I didn’t think I would feel this cold, and I had no recollection of how I even got there, but I was in the heart of a dark forest.
I must have been following him. That was the only explanation I could think of, but then, where was he? I couldn’t imagine I’d have walked into this mess of thorny branches and leaf mulch on my own.
“Gingersnap…”
It was Max, right behind me. I turned around and rushed into his arms. God, how did I ever think I could live without the scent of this man’s skin, the feel of his strength surrounding me?
“Oh thank goodness you’re
here!” My voice sounded squeaky and high-pitched. “I thought you left me here.” Then I took his hand and start walking on the path. But I got pulled back, making me pivot. My brows knitted together.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can’t you see?” he gritted out. “I want to go with you, but I can’t.”
I gave his hand a squeeze. “Babe, sure you can.”
The anguish came off of him in waves. “No, you don’t get it. I can’t get out of here. I’m stuck and I don’t know the way out.”
I shook my head, stunned, looking back and forth between him and the road ahead. “What are you talking about?” I pointed to the path out. “It’s just that way.”
His eyes followed the direction of my finger and then back. “I can’t see it,” he grumbled. “There is no way out for me.” He let go of my hand.
I rushed to grab it back and, even though I could see it right in front of me, it was like trying to hold onto the air. “Max? What’s going on?” I started to sound panicked because I was.
“I can’t see the way out,” he repeated. “I can’t leave. There’s no way out for me.”
“You’re just not focusing!” I screamed while still trying to touch him. He was right there, but he may as well have been a ghost. I started crying, I was so frustrated. “The way out is right in front of you! I can take you. Just hold onto me.”
I woke up with a start, my cheeks feeling cold. I blinked and touched my face, wet from tears shed in sleep, with my heart beating out of my chest. It took me a few seconds to recognize where I was, that I was home. Just when I was about to let that relief sink in, I remembered everything: Max was gone. I had let him go and, even worse, he didn’t stop me.
All I wanted to do was wallow in my misery, hibernate in a cave of blankets. But it was only Thursday and I had already missed work yesterday, so I dug deep and forced myself up and on with my day. My body felt like a truck had hit me. Everything hurt, not just my heart. Who knew a breakup could actually make one feel broken.
* * * * *
“What is up with you today?” Natalie waved her hand in front of my face. I refocused on her.
“Nothing. I’m just tired,” I lied.
She pursed her lips together and I noticed how her bright red lipstick perfectly matched her wrap dress, both of which looked particularly striking with her coloring. She narrowed her eyes, as if squinting was her built-in lie-detector test.
“I call bullshit.” She pointed her fork in my direction. We had lucked out this year, having our lunches and planning periods at the same time. Well, I had thought it was fortuitous, until she had learned all my “tells” for when something was wrong, but she hadn’t picked up when I needed her to leave well enough alone. To avoid answering right away, I shoved too much salad into my mouth and chewed for a long while, until the leaves were a masticated, almost liquefied mush. Lovely.
“Red really works for you,” I finally said, redirecting. “And kudos for not pairing the whole ensemble with your usual, like big basketballs for earrings or a belt made out of safety pins.”
A crooked smile appeared. “My my, Ms. Lockhart…that comment was almost bitchy. I didn’t think you had it in you.”
Shoot, she was right. I was being catty and I absolutely loathed cattiness in others. What was wrong with me? My gaze fell onto the plate of food in front of me.
“I’m sorry, Nat. I didn’t mean to take my bad mood out on you.”
“Aha!” She banged the table with her fist, making the tray’s cutlery jump. “So, there is something wrong. Spill it.” I looked to the left where a group of the office admins and some of the teachers now all stared at me.
“Sorry ’bout that,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “She gets a bit excitable.”
“You’re making me sound like a puppy.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “And don’t worry about them. They’re in planning mode for Mathnasium.”
“An event you should be helping with too,” one of them snarled, “instead of gossiping your lunch hour away. You are part of the planning committee, after all.”
“What’s wrong, Richard? Don’t have anyone else on the committee to poach ideas from and claim as your own?”
Natalie used to coordinate the event with Richard, did it for her first two years at the school, until she heard him taking all the credit. She never set the record straight with Mr. Killington, our principal, but she also refused to work with Richard on anything ever again.
He immediately got all red in the face, the jowls of his cheeks vibrating with his quiet fury. He puffed up his chest, looking like a primate ready to throw a handful of poop to assert his dominance.
“That was low, even for you, Miss DeLachay.” He said her name like it was a curse word.
Nat leaned in his direction. “Happy planning, Dick,” she said, using a nickname he despised. “By the way, I hear Killington’s invited members of the school board to observe this year, since your event has developed a reputation for being innovative and engaging, attracting students usually not interested in academic competitions to participate. So…good luck with that.”
He visibly paled, but she turned around, back in my direction, effectively dismissing him and the entire exchange.
Using my hand to partially cover my mouth, I murmured, “Nat, he may be awful, but he’s still your colleague. You can’t talk to him that way. You’ll get labeled as ‘difficult’ and he comes out smelling like a rose.”
“My students score the highest marks on the standardized tests every year, while his—” she gestured in his direction with her head, “—just squeak by. I may be a pain in the ass, but numbers are the only thing that really matters to the administration. Higher scores equates to more funding, which makes Killington that much closer to what he really wants, which is to get out of here and into some policy wonk gig for the school board. He hates dealing with the parents here.”
She had a point and I should’ve known she’d ensure she was covered. “All right, fine, but just don’t go too far.”
She let out a cackle. “Note taken, pot calling kettle black.”
“What do you mean? I never antagonize colleagues.”
“No, not colleagues, just school boards while being televised.”
“Whatever.”
“All right, honey…so what’s got your knickers up in a twist?”
So much for my attempts at a redirect…might as well get it over with.
“Max and I broke up yesterday,” I said in a low, quiet voice. Wow, saying it out loud…it sank in even further, making it hard to breathe. I actually felt my throat getting all tight, with a sharp pain in the center of my chest. As if Cupid were wrenching the arrow right out of me with his bare hands.
Dear Lord, that sounded over-the-top pathetic, even for a romantic like me. I let out a sigh, my shoulders slouching as I did, and picked up my tray. She followed, even though she wasn’t finished with her food. Mine looked barely touched. I tossed it on the conveyor belt, feeling guilty for the waste, but I couldn’t stomach it.
“No wonder you look like shit.” Natalie rubbed her hand up and down my back. “What happened? You’re crazy about him.”
We began walking back to our office, a bevy of children and noises surrounding us, something that usually brought me such pleasure. But I felt nothing. Numb. Somehow, I made my way down the hall and into my chair.
“I can’t get into all the reasons,” I finally answered. “But the bottom line is…he doesn’t…” Please don’t cry, please don’t cry. “He doesn’t love me.”
“How can you say that? Max adores you!” She rolled her chair over to me, placing her hand gently over mine. “And, honey, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you two haven’t been together that long. I know you’ve been pining for him for months, building castle-sized daydreams about him, making him larger than life
, but back in reality, it takes most of us time to fall, much less admit it out loud.”
“That sounds like someone else I know.” I placed my other hand on top of hers, still resting on mine. She had now been with Rhen for six months, a record for her.
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t have the foggiest notion what you’re talking about.” She then proceeded to get busy with some random paperwork, all the while pressing her lips tightly together, desperately trying to prevent a wide grin from making an appearance.
“It’s okay to admit you’re happy, Nat,” I said. “And it’s obvious you’re utterly and completely in love with him.”
Her mouth fell open like a barnyard door. “Take that back.”
I busted out laughing over her reaction. “Nope,” I shook my head, feeling my ponytail slap me across the face. “You admit you’re in love with Rhen.”
“Ha! Fat chance, sassy pants. He’s just a hot piece of ass who is only slightly more entertaining than your average pussy hound.”
I blushed. “Methinks she protests too much.”
“Methinks you’re trying to change the subject again.”
I shut my mouth. “Whatever.”
She cocked her head and gave a sweet smile and kind eyes. “Give him a little time,” she said, obviously not letting me get away with anything. “He’s older than you, and hence, probably got a heart a lot more weather-beaten than he lets on.”
I took in what she said. “I dreamt this morning he was stuck in a dense forest and he couldn’t see the way out, even with me showing him. Think that means he needs time?”
She raised an eyebrow and bit the side of her lip. “I think Freud would have had a field day with that one, Shortcake. There are some deep forests men never want to see their way out of, if you know what I mean.” She winked and guffawed as I groaned out loud.
“You’re truly demented. I think I feel sorry for Rhen now—the poor sap. He has no idea how truly twisted you are.”
Girl Breaker Page 14
