Nine

by Rachelle Dekker

  It had been a brisk morning, maybe early afternoon. I could feel the chill on my cheeks, the mountainous terrain underneath my feet, thick forest all around as I moved with speed. Quick and precise. Seeley close. I could smell his aftershave, the same way I could smell it now.

  I’d come upon my prey. A beautiful buck, thick and tall, with horns jutting out on either side to punctuate his majesty. I could hear the beast’s heart, steady and then thundering as he sensed us. My weapon at the ready. Aim, perfect, and release. I could hear the knife stick with a soft thud but couldn’t see it in the darkness of my mind. What came before that moment, and after, was nothing. It was a single moment that stood on an island in the middle of an endless sea.

  Was it foolish to hope that I would soon see land? Salvation? Afterward, would I wish for the empty expanse? I had the strange thought that currently I could be whatever I decided. I had no history that told me who I was, so couldn’t I just make my own? Maybe the forgetting was a gift?

  But what if I created new ideas of the person I could be and then the old memories returned? Wouldn’t it be better to start off with the truth rather than construct something that could be broken later? Round and round, the questions plagued me as I waited.

  “There,” Dr. Loveless said. “Finished.”

  She walked around the end of the table and to the rolling cart that sat near its corner. I turned my head to follow her and felt DOT’s weight press into my shoulders.

  “Please try to remain still,” she said.

  “Okay,” I said, forcing myself not to nod.

  She opened the top drawer and pulled out something small, then picked up a cup with a straw. She walked back to me and opened her hand, and I could see three small blue capsules resting in her palm.

  Amobarbital, Zoe had called it. It had hypnotic properties and was called blue heaven on the streets. It could be very dangerous, even lethal in large doses, but the perfect trip with the right amount. It was meant to open the mind. Provide a gateway to the subconscious, Zoe had explained.

  I felt my nerves rising and disconnected from them, turned them off, and focused on the task at hand. The nerves vanished as if I’d flipped off the light. My mind went cold. I saw my emotions but wasn’t connected to them. They were unnecessary for what was coming, so I tossed them out.

  “Don’t worry,” Dr. Loveless said. “This will be painless.”

  “I’m not worried,” I said truthfully.

  She smiled at me. “Good. Open your mouth.”

  I did, and she placed the pills on my tongue one at a time, offering me a drink after each one. They slid down my throat easily.

  “These will take effect quickly. As they do, I will ask you to close your eyes and listen only to my voice,” Dr. Loveless said. “Can you do that?”

  “Yes.” I already felt my bones becoming lighter as what felt like exhaustion seeped through my blood and into my skin.

  She took a deep breath and glanced at the others around the room, as if she suddenly needed a reassuring push. “Shall we begin?”

  I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. Not because I wanted to but because slow was the only function I had. I answered yes, I think. Or maybe I just thought I’d answered. My mouth felt swollen and my tongue made of foam. I thought to ask if this was how I was supposed to be feeling, but I had lost the ability to connect my mind with my speech.

  I could hear her voice. “I want you to focus on the sound of my voice. As we begin, I want you to let your body sink into the place where you sit. Anchor yourself to it. Anchor yourself to my voice.”

  Then the light from the world beyond my closed lids started to fade.

  LUCY. CAN YOU hear me?

  Dr. Loveless’s familiar voice filled my brain. It was like an echo coming from within. A faint whisper, clear and near, but not directly beside me.

  I remembered then what was happening to me. I was exploring my memory, searching for things misplaced. I opened my eyes, and a city street filled my view. I was sitting on a bench along a two-lane road with moving traffic, bordered by sidewalks occupied by pedestrians. To my right, small, simple homes sat in rows on both sides of the street. Fenced lawns, manicured bushes, children playing, their laughter bubbling up and through the air.

  To the left, a gathering of tall city buildings rose from the pavement toward the sky. They glistened in the sun, their windows reflecting its light. The buildings were nearly stacked on top of one another, yet at their bases hordes of people passed from one place to the next, occupied with moving quickly, none stopping to interact with one another.

  Lucy, if you can hear me, say yes, Dr. Loveless said.

  “Yes,” I replied.

  Where are you?

  I glanced back right, the peaceful neighborhood scene a stark contrast to the bustle of the working city to my left. “I don’t know.”

  “Are you lost?” came a small voice.

  I turned my attention downward to see a child sitting on the far end of the bench. The girl, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, wore light denim jeans and a white T-shirt with a pink unicorn on the front. Her eyes were bright and kind as she stared up at me, waiting for me to answer.

  Lucy, tell me what you see.

  “A girl,” I said.

  The girl scrunched her nose curiously. “Who are you talking to?”

  A girl? Do you recognize her?

  “No.”

  The girl looked over her shoulder and then back to me. “Are you crazy?” She dropped her voice to a whisper and leaned forward a tad. “Do you see dead people?”

  I shook my head. “No.” Then a thought crossed my mind. “Are you dead?” I asked her.

  She giggled and swung her legs. “Nope.”

  Lucy, talk to her. See if she can help you.

  The girl smiled, and I noticed one of her front teeth was missing. It made her smile more charming, and I felt my heart warm. “Can you help me?” I asked. “Do you know where I am?”

  The girl stared at me for a long moment. “Of course I know.”

  “Can you tell me?”

  She smiled and shook her head. “That’s not how the game works.”

  “What game?”

  “The one we always play. Do you want me to teach you?”

  “Yes.”

  The girl sprang up from her seat and took off running for the active city. I hesitated, thrown by her sudden movements, but recovered quickly and raced after her. She was quick, darting into the throng of bodies, all acting as if a little girl wasn’t passing through at their feet. I raced into the pile of people, knocking shoulders and elbows, thinking to apologize but too focused on keeping the child in my sights.

  The top of her head popped in and out of view. She was quickening her steps, putting more distance between us as I clawed my way after her. The bodies around me seemed to be multiplying, growing in numbers and density. It was starting to feel like I was slamming into walls.

  “Hurry, hurry,” she yelled over the masses.

  “Slow down, I’m losing you,” I yelled back.

  She didn’t. I was sweating as I watched her break out of the sea of people. She shot off like a rocket once free from the crowd. I was almost there.

  I put all my force into propelling myself forward, freedom right before me. One extra punch of speed and I slammed into an invisible barrier that knocked me off my feet and to the concrete. My spine smacked the hard ground, and the wind rushed from my lungs. I gasped for breath and found none. Pain rippled across my skin as I rolled to my side and tried to breathe.

  Black dots filled my vision as the impact of the fall raked my whole body. After a moment I caught a gasp of air and sucked it into my lungs. A smidge of relief entered as I regained the ability to breathe.

  Pushing myself off the ground, I looked up to see I was alone. And no longer in the middle of a thriving city.

  Rather, in a box. A glass box in a dark room. I stood, panicked. Placed my hands on the surface. I could tell the glass was in
ches thick, unbreakable without a tool of some kind. All around me, my hands met the same surface. I could touch the top without fully extending my arms, and the width was less than my wingspan.

  I was trapped. I looked through the glass, searching for the little girl. “Hello,” I called out. “Hey, anyone?”

  Lucy, you’re safe. Calm down. Everything is alright.

  Dr. Loveless’s voice cut through the panic but didn’t ease the beating of my heart. It didn’t feel alright.

  This is just your mind, Lucy, I told myself. You are in control.

  Then why did I feel so threatened? A familiar feeling from the depths rose up, and my panic boiled over to terror.

  I had been here before. Without knowing why, my body launched into a full-on attack on the prison that held me captive. “Let me out!” I cried. “Please, let me out.”

  Lucy, you have to calm down. Nothing can hurt you.

  Bright lights flicked on overhead, and the room around me came into view. Just beyond the glass sat a group of people, faceless from where I was, all dressed in black, some armed, others in white lab coats. Between us was a large panel filled with things I couldn’t see.

  “Let me out!” I yelled again. “Please don’t do this.”

  Do what, I couldn’t remember. It was as if my memories were acting through me without my consent. As if my body knew what was coming and it desperately wanted to be free.

  Your heart rate’s too high, Lucy. I need you to bring it back down.

  I ignored Dr. Loveless. She wasn’t here with me. I was alone.

  “Begin,” one of the faceless said.

  A loud crank echoed through the room, and after the quick build and rumble of something passing overhead, I glanced up to see that a large steel pipe was dumping water into my prison.

  And then I was a child. Still me, but ten years younger, shivering and terrified as water drained from the pipe.

  The light overhead was dull and yellow. The room smelled of bleach and smoke. The panel and its judges sat before me, but now I recognized their faces. Faces I had seen a hundred times before. Doctors, technicians, department heads. Olivia was there, watching worriedly from the back corner.

  Some faces I didn’t know as well, but I knew they were important because this demonstration had been set up specifically for them. They stood in the center, the one in the navy suit and red tie their leader. “The leader of the free world,” I had been told, though I wasn’t sure what that meant.

  Then I was back in my near-adult body, still trapped behind glass, Dr. Loveless’s voice urging me to remain calm. Back and forth the images flipped. In one moment I was myself, and then my younger self. Both trapped behind glass as water drained from the ceiling.

  I understood what was happening. They were testing me. By nearly drowning me. Seeing how far I could be taken to the edge of death without having a rise in emotions. The skill would be valuable in the face of any danger.

  In a snap second, a collage of memories flooded my mind. How many times had I been held in this cage? Pressed to my limits, beyond what a human body should be able to withstand? How many times had I screamed for help and none was given? How many times had I begged for them to stop?

  All of the memories rushed back to me now, a catalogue of one event that had happened over and over again. I wanted to scream and weep at the same time. The power of it blazed through my bones and ignited the panic I felt until I thought I might combust.

  Lucy, wake up, Dr. Loveless said.

  I couldn’t. I was screaming with fury, my lungs burning inside my chest. My fists raged against the glass as the water reached my waist and rose at an alarming rate. I was shivering and crying and begging for help as the faces remained unmoved. As they had done a dozen times before.

  Lucy, listen to me. Wake up.

  I struggled to breathe, as if I were back on the pavement having the wind knocked out of me. The water reached my shoulders, and terror grabbed my mind like a starved bear and devoured every morsel of sense. There was nothing but fear when the water reached my face. I thrashed and fought against the reality I couldn’t escape, but it only plunged me further into darkness.

  Lucy, you must wake up!

  The water rose over my mouth and then my nose. I clenched my eyes as the cold shut out any hope for rescue, and all that was left were my instincts, which refused to believe I wasn’t drowning. My body continued to fight as my mind sank deeper into madness. I wasn’t breathing. I could feel my lungs ready to burst, my throat on fire, my brain swelling in its search for air.

  Lucy!

  Something sparked in the darkness below the water. It fizzled softly and touched my chest. Then it came again. A pulse. And again. This time with more intensity. It made me ache, and it drew my mind back from hopelessness.

  Breathe, Lucy, breathe.

  Against rationale, I opened my mouth and sucked in. Air filled my lungs, and the scene around me changed again. The water prison was gone. There was no city, or panel, or child. I was back where I had started. In the barn, with Dr. Loveless, Seeley, and Zoe at my sides.

  I was gasping, not able to get air into my lungs fast enough. I was shaking from head to toe, aching, terror still crawling over my skin. The recalled emotions collapsed upon me, and I began to cry. Zoe pushed the others away and tucked my head against her shoulder as the crying turned to wails. Wails I thought would never end.

  But they did, and then Zoe insisted I rest. I didn’t argue. She led me away from the table, the barn, and the past that I’d now never be able to forget.

  NINETEEN

  ZOE STOOD IN the kitchen, coffee mug in hand. A shuffling sound drew her attention, and she turned to see Seeley standing inside the kitchen archway.

  “How is she?” he asked.

  Zoe took the final swallow from her mug and walked to the sink. “Sleeping.” She rinsed the mug and placed it in the dishwasher.

  The two stood in silence for a moment. Before either could say anything, Gina entered. “Is Lucy still resting?” she asked.

  Zoe nodded, and Gina crossed her arms. “Let her rest a little longer. The more strength she has, the better.”

  “You have to be joking,” Zoe said.

  “We can’t stop now,” the doctor continued. “It worked—she recovered something from her past.”

  “And nearly stopped breathing,” Zoe fired back.

  “Memory recovery is tricky.”

  “Tricky, yes, but life-threatening?” Zoe turned to Seeley, pleading with him to hear reason. “There has to be another way.”

  Seeley exhaled and gave a slight nod. “What are the chances that happens to her again?”

  “There’s no way to know,” Gina said. “But she’ll know what to expect this time. She’ll be better suited to handle her emotions. She was trained for situations like this. She just needs to tap into that.”

  “No,” Zoe said. “This is crazy. She stopped breathing. You had to shock her with manual defibrillators to get her back to consciousness. What if that hadn’t worked?”

  “It did work, and next time it won’t be as severe. She’ll learn as she goes,” Gina said.

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because I have enough understanding of who Lucy is and where she comes from to believe she can handle this. You only see the scared teenage girl that stumbled into your diner. You’re doing her a disservice.”

  Zoe almost laid into Gina, but Seeley raised his arms toward her to signal calm. “Everyone wants what is best for the situation here,” he said.

  “No, I only want what is best for Lucy,” Zoe said.

  “If you really understood what we’re dealing with, you would know that what is best for Lucy is to handle this situation,” Gina said.

  “And if you kill her trying to recover memories, who wins then?” Zoe barked.

  “She won’t kill me.” Lucy had entered from the opposite side of the kitchen. She looked small and tired, the usual optimism and light drained from her
eyes.

  “You should be resting,” Zoe said.

  “I did.”

  Quiet captured the kitchen as the four stood in awkward silence.

  Gina cleared her throat. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like I almost drowned,” Lucy said.

  Zoe glanced over her shoulder and cut her eyes at Seeley, as if to say, She is not ready for more of this. He acknowledged her look and turned his attention to Lucy.

  “We all have different ideas about how to proceed.” He took a step toward the girl. “But what do you want to do?”

  Lucy dropped her eyes to the floor, her face turning contemplative. A moment stretched into a minute before she drew her eyes upward. “I want to remember. I want to remember all of it.” She looked at Zoe. “No matter the cost.” Then back to Gina. “I’m ready to try again.”

  Zoe couldn’t shake the horrid feeling making its home inside her chest. She wanted to be optimistic about the outcome, but her instincts were telling her this path would lead Lucy to more darkness and pain.

  “Excellent,” Gina said. “I’ll get everything prepped.” With that she left, heading back out the way she had come.

  “I’ll give you guys a minute,” Seeley said.

  “Actually,” Lucy said before he could move, “I’d like to have time alone.” She turned to Zoe and gave a half smile. “But you’ll be in there, right?”

  “Together,” Zoe said.

  Lucy gave a little nod and then, just as Gina had done, left the way she’d entered.

  Zoe felt Lucy leave as much as she saw it. Warmth was pulled out of her as the girl walked away. She should rush after her, hold her close, tell her it would be better not to be alone when facing something so heavy. But she stayed in place.

  She could feel Seeley behind her. She wondered if he felt the shift in Lucy as well. He claimed to have known her. Was she becoming more like the girl he’d trained? More like herself?

  “Did they really do what she’s remembering?” Zoe asked. She turned to face him, to watch his face as he answered.

  He didn’t shy away from her stare. He took it head-on and nodded. “Yes, they trained them all to withstand an immense amount of pain.”