Bard to the Bone

by Cid Banks

  New Settlement Discovered!

  Blackspire Fortress

  Reward: 15 experience

  My thighs ached as I climbed over the hill. I paused to catch my breath as Naomi patiently explained to a bewildered Amy about software. Hearing about the real world—and concepts she no longer grasped—upset Amy more than anything. I wanted to ask Naomi to stop.

  Frowning, Amy kicked a stray pebble. “What’s inside this special chest?”

  “There’s no way to know.” Naomi paced, her eyes flicking to the castle’s mossy barricades. “Could be a unique treasure or level ninety-nine gear we can’t use. It might be five-hundred ivory teacups. It could be empty, or a bug that crashes everything throws us into oblivion.”

  Amy and I shared a worried glance.

  “I doubt it’s that, though,” Naomi said confidently. “Whatever it is was specifically chosen to help developers test things, so it’s probably something powerful.”

  “Even if it’s nothing, we’ll still get a bunch of experience,” I said. The reward listed on the quest was more than generous.

  We walked to the ruined castle, which sat on a lonely road overgrown with vegetation. Damp, red banners hung everywhere, the color bleached from the sun. Red paint decorated the walls like graffiti. The markings on the paper mentioned cultists taking over the ruins, so we unsheathed our weapons.

  No alarm sounded as we surrounded the front gate, which stood wide open. Crumbling battlements loomed above, along with ascending levels of ramparts painted with crimson.

  “Let’s find some treasure.” I shouldered my crossbow.

  Amy swung her greatsword over her shoulder as we climbed to the second level. My foot scraped the ground, and I winced at the noise. Male voices whispered ahead. They raised and fell in unison, building to a crescendo that strangely reminded me of those damned boglins.

  Quest Available: Liberation of Blackspire Fortress

  The cultists have used blood magic to summon a demonic monster. Clear the castle and send the unholy creature back to the abyss!

  Reward: 500 experience, Settlement Liberated

  What was with this game and cults?

  We approached the ominous sound, the harsh voices throbbing around us in a sustained, low note. As we entered the courtyard, I spotted a ring of robed figures.

  I grabbed Naomi, who poked Amy. We retreated behind a wall, listening to their strange music. “So, what’s the plan?”

  I tightened my grip on the bow, heart pounding. “Maybe I should play something.”

  Naomi lifted an eyebrow. “Not the time or the place.”

  “I could decrease their willpower with the Song of Mocking.” I peeked around the corner, examining them. “Worth a shot, right?”

  Amy grinned. “Do it.”

  I put the crossbow away and snagged my lute, mind racing for the perfect tune. They wore iron helmets over blood-red robes like Star Wars imperial guards. They were human, but one stood at least eight feet tall with limbs like a tree. He was naked, wearing only a spiked helm. Arcane symbols covered his skin in bright paint.

  I strummed the lute, stepping into the courtyard. How about something Jesus-y? I crooned the opening lyrics to My Sweet Lord, hoping the hallelujahs would be enough to reduce their willpower.

  The brute faced me, snorting like a bull. He roared at the folksy sound.

  “Sorry for interrupting your service.” I sang the next few bars of My Sweet Lord, laughing at their outraged faces. “You guys are more pathetic than the homicidal toddlers I met on my first day. You call this a cult?”

  Red exclamation points popped over the group.

  Naomi revealed herself and launched a flaming ball. It exploded over the giant’s chest, orange flame bouncing off him. Fire engulfed his companions. Damage numbers darted among the group. One robed man shrieked in agony as flames devoured him. The others unsheathed their weapons and yelled. Arrows shot in our direction. An arrow pinged off the wall behind me.

  “Damn. The song worked, but the big one is resistant to fire!” Naomi ducked, avoiding an arrow.

  The giant charged us like an enraged rhino. Amy threw herself in his path, swinging her massive sword. It collided with his helmet for 22. The blow rattled the colossus, but he recovered quickly. He slammed his fists into her. Amy flew backward.

  I aimed and fired. The bolt hit the giant for 7 damage. Damn it. My crossbow was supposed to inflict between 8 and 16. He was protected against more than just flames.

  Arrows soared at me, flying wide. The archers had terrible aim. Ice shards blasted from Naomi’s fingertips, slashing the giant. Amy attacked his flank, but he blocked her. The girls could dish out more damage than I could. They could handle him.

  I faced the furthest archer.

  Teleport

  I reappeared with my dagger drawn and slashed his back. He screamed in surprise, stumbling away with 14. He dropped his bow. Instead of grabbing it, he unsheathed a blade. He stabbed. I blocked. We sliced at each other like in West Side Story.

  “Incoming!” Naomi shrieked.

  A loud crash rocked the floor. A cracked chunk of rampart hit the wall, thrown by the giant. The girls dodged. Naomi hurled lightning at the behemoth. He grimaced, electricity jumping over his face. I sank my blades into the cultist. He collapsed. I dashed to the next archer without glancing at the numbers.

  His arrow was nocked. Fury blazed on his pale skin.

  I slammed my shoulder into him. His bow flew upward. The arrow loosed, striking stone. We rolled on the ground. I hacked with the dagger. His blood sprayed my hands. He squirmed as a death rattle squeezed from his lungs. I scrambled from the floor.

  A stabbing pain brought me to my knees. My leg throbbed. A thin piece of wood jutted from my thigh. I touched feathers.

  They’d shot me.

  “Take that, heretic!” An archer laughed, drawing another from her quiver.

  Teleport

  Her arrow soared right where I’d been kneeling a second ago. I stabbed the dumbstruck archer, burying my knife in her chest to the hilt. 39 BLEED. She gasped with pain. Blood burst from her lips as she slumped down. A dark patch behind her grew, seeping into the stones. Her eyes rolled into her head. “All blood spilled gives glory to our god!”

  “Cool, then I’m doing you a favor.” I jumped over her and hopped to rejoin the girls.

  They were trading blows with the giant. One drew aggro, which gave the other an opportunity to attack while he was distracted.

  I wanted to help, but the arrow was buried in my flesh. A line of crimson ran down my leg.

  15HP

  One arrow wasn’t the end of the world, but it wasn’t something I could shrug off. Grimacing from the sharp pain, I seized the shaft and yanked.

  Fucking ow.

  The brute howled, shaking his spiked head like a wild animal. He lunged at Amy. The warrior leaped over him. He couldn’t follow her graceful movements. He clumsily twisted into a blast of offensive magic. Scorch marks covered his body.

  “How’s it going?” I watched them anxiously.

  Amy groaned. “It’s taking like half damage from everything!”

  “And I’m running out of MP.” Naomi bit her lip. “Shit.”

  I loaded my crossbow. Amy swung a vicious uppercut. Our enemy staggered backward. I aimed and fired. 5 damage. It was nothing compared to their attacks, but it finished him. He roared with a dying shriek and fell.

  “You’re welcome, ladies.” I grinned at Amy, who stuck out her tongue. “No need to thank me for saving the day.”

  “Shut it.” Naomi cracked a smile, which flattened when she noticed my wound. “You got hit?”

  “Yeah. Took an arrow.”

  “Sit down.” Naomi approached me, placing her bloodstained hands on my thigh. “Hold still.”

  Amy looted corpses as my flesh knitted back together. Naomi’s palms glowed, the greenish light seeping into my leg. My HP indicator slowly refilled.

  “So, is Amy your girlfrien
d?” Naomi asked in an undertone.

  “No.” I met Naomi’s piercing gaze. This was a landmine I didn’t know how to navigate.

  “But you want her to be.”

  “I like her, but I like you, too.” It was unfair to Amy to say I preferred Naomi. I liked both. “Believe it or not, I wasn’t Casanova in the real world.”

  Naomi listened intently, her face awash with the green of her spell. “You’ve never dated?”

  “‘Course I have. I just haven’t had a serious relationship.” There was never anyone like Amy or Naomi in my life. “I never made a long-term connection.”

  “And we have that?”

  “I think so.” I took her slender wrist. “You get my stupid references, after all.”

  Naomi laughed, withdrawing her hands. The bleeding had stopped. My health had returned to full. Naomi fished a vial of blue liquid from her bag, uncorked it, and downed it in one gulp.

  She grimaced, shaking her head. “Gross.”

  Amy helped me upright. “Nothing on this lot, just some janky archery gear. Should we move on?”

  We didn’t know where to go next. Our quest sheet referred to a basement corridor, so we continued to the lower keep. We crossed the courtyard, passing a macabre chapel. The front doors were replaced with dirty curtains. Dried blood covered the walls.

  It was gross. “Seems like a good place to start.”

  We stepped into the chapel. Insane sculptures and creepy idols stood on every surface. Some hung from the ceiling. A robed man sat at the altar.

  He stood, adjusting his spiked helmet. “Are you here to pledge a sacrifice to the Blood God?”

  It really was a cult. “Jesus.”

  The priest blinked. “What is a jesus?”

  “No,” Naomi barked. “We’re not here to offer tribute.”

  “Then you’re not welcome in this temple.” His deep voice boomed in the dank church. “Leave.”

  I scanned the broken pews and effigies for enemies. It looked like it was just one guy. “We’re not leaving.”

  “Heretic,” he spat, dropping his hood to reveal waxen features. “You’ll be purged and drained to feed my master.”

  “Er—no thanks.” I grabbed my crossbow.

  The priest lowered himself from the shrine, summoning shadowy wisps into his body. The dark energy crackled around him like a malignant aura.

  Sanguinary Prophet

  Level 13 Warlock

  HP: 53/53

  Strength: 6 Reflex: 2 Willpower: 27 Charisma: 5

  Traits: Zealot, Cruel

  Relationship: Hostile Enemy

  I fired at the zealot. The bolt smacked his chest for 14, but he didn’t react.

  “Prepare to be exsanguinated.” Smoky tendrils snaked from the priest’s eyes. He threw out his hands. Black flames surged.

  Amy yanked me out of the way. Pews exploded. Wooden splinters landed like darts. Naomi hurled orange fire at the prophet. The flames burst into smoke without taking any damage.

  “His willpower is too high.” Alarm raised in Naomi’s voice. “Magic does barely anything!”

  I reloaded and pulled the trigger. A shadow batted my attack. His maniacal laughter filled the chapel as a glowing purple pentagram struck Naomi. 6 CURSE appeared above her head.

  “Shit!” Naomi ducked under a spray of obsidian energy.

  Wow. She was the most powerful magic user I’d encountered, and he was pummeling her. If one attack hit me, I was toast.

  “Do your portal thing!” Amy screamed, sprinting at the priest. He blasted her. Her winding slash buffeted the attack. Another whirlwind of shadow magic funneled toward Amy. The cyclone shredded pews and obliterated banners. Amy slipped with a scream.

  Teleport

  I reappeared at the priest’s side. My dagger stabbed him for 20. Shadows dipped around him, striking me. I crashed into pews for 9 damage.

  Amy whirled into view. She hacked at the zealot. Her diving slash cut through him, spraying blood over the altar.

  “Yes, my Lord.” His white face split with a wide grin. “Together, we’ll take them. I am a vessel for your will.”

  He unsheathed a curved dagger. Then he plunged it into his chest. Crimson poured from the wound. His trembling hands cradled the blade. He whispered as shadowy wisps gathered, wreathing him in darkness. Soon he was completely obscured.

  Objects flew toward the priest. Candles guttered out. Air whistled at the swirling, black vortex that kept growing.

  I met Amy’s panicked gaze. “Run!”

  Amy and I bolted. A desperate Naomi fought against the confinements of the glowing pentagram. I grabbed her arms, dragging her outside. My foot tapped the threshold, and warmth blazed across my back.

  An explosion threw us forward. I skinned my palms, ears ringing. Rubble tumbled down ruined steps as an ebony wave roared overhead. The blast tore the chapel’s front walls. They crashed with another deafening roar. My yell was lost in the blazing path, consumed by the sound of exploding stone. Gradually, the boom faded. Dust billowed in clouds, obscuring Amy and Naomi.

  “Damn.” My ears rang as I held a shaking Naomi. Gradually, her breathing returned to normal. “Fuck this game.”

  My ribs were bruised, and I had tinnitus. Again.

  I raised myself on a pew blasted from the explosion, and surveyed the damage. The courtyard was fucked. It looked like a tornado had touched down. The chapel was destroyed. The crazy asshole was buried under a mountain of rubble.

  Psycho. “Naomi, what did he do to you?”

  “Some curse debuff. It’s not a spell I can cast.” She straightened her corset, and I tried not to stare.

  Amy approached us, coughing. Her body was caked in blood and dust. She shook her hair, raining debris on the floor.

  She brushed herself off, grinning. “So, was that a dead end? We didn’t do much exploring before he self-destructed.” Amy made a face as she yanked a piece of his robe from her armor. “Ew.”

  “If there was a basement, it’s caved in.”

  Now what?

  We healed before exploring the ruins, checking each broken building and crumbled tower. We only encountered one enemy, who Amy punted off ramparts. It was odd. I’d expected more resistance.

  “Maybe they finished whatever they were doing here.”

  “I don’t think so,” Amy said. “When a faction holds a settlement, they don’t leave until they’re kicked out. This castle is still tagged with the cultist flag.”

  She pushed aside a tattered banner as we entered a grand hall with tall windows. I spotted a descending staircase. We crowded at the top of the landing, peering through the darkness that led below.

  We’d found the basement.

  Seventeen

  The search was anticlimactic. Aside from a few quick battles in ankle-deep water, we hadn’t stumbled upon anything interesting.

  “Nothing on these guys.” I looted the dead cultists. It was disappointing. Most only had robes and crude iron weapons.

  Bodies floated everywhere, limbs still twitching from Naomi’s electric attacks.

  I pulled Naomi upright. Her soaked clothes clung to her body like a second skin. Water trickled down her neck, pooling between her heaving breasts.

  “You okay?” I ignored Amy’s glare as I did my best to dry Naomi.

  “C-cold.”

  The basement was flooded, which made navigating the castle’s underground tough. Naomi killed a group of enemies in a single pass, but not without damaging herself.

  “Took h-half my health.” Naomi pulsed with green light as she healed. Amy wringed out Naomi’s skirt.

  A dark shadow loomed ahead. “What’s that?” I pointed.

  Naomi conjured a glowing ball, which illuminated damp stone. We followed the gleam through a corridor, which led to a crumbling well overgrown with moss. The placement of the well was too odd to overlook. Another light shot from Naomi’s fingers, filling the room with golden radiance. The well was smack dab in the hallway, blocking
three paths that branched away. Dusty bookshelves surrounded the circle.

  Amy leaned over, searching the well’s depths. “There’s more moisture on the floor than in here.”

  “The prompt doesn’t mention any structures.” Confused, Naomi reread the parchment. “What do you think? Is this it?”

  “Probably not. Shouldn’t there be more clues?”

  Amy waded into one of the hallways, pushing aside the floating furniture. A glass jar fell from a shelf, landing with a loud splash. Amy grimaced at the noise.

  “This isn’t a normal quest,” Naomi said. “Clues won’t be laying around. This is bugged content we weren’t supposed to find.”

  “What if it’s not?”

  Naomi’s tanned face glistened in the darkness. “What do you mean?”

  I reread the quest description even though I’d done it so many times I had it memorized.

  Quest Available: blackspireChain forceResolve_debugContent

  [Error 522: Failed to load quest description at (gamestate.irp:136) invalidAdminID:Dale]

  Reward: systemModule_questReward debugChest60161, 120 experience

  I studied the code. “Only a software developer could understand this string of information.”

  “So?”

  “We’re assuming this is a glitch. Maybe it’s an Easter egg.”

  Comprehension flickered behind Naomi’s gaze. “Let’s look for anything out of the ordinary. Something that looks weird in this world.”

  I turned, water rippling from my waist. What looked out of place at the headquarters of a blood cult?

  Confused, Amy checked shelves and opened floating jars. She rifled through their contents, disappointed.

  “It won’t be sitting on a shelf,” snapped Naomi.

  “Well, you come up with a better idea.” Amy slammed her fist into the bookshelf to vent her feelings. It exploded in a cloud of wood shrapnel, revealing a blank wall.