Beautiful Ugly

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

  The two friends clung to one another before Envy left to return to work. Each with their own hidden secrets and shame. Layla grew up with a wonderful family who loved and cared for her, who stood by her side, yet she still grew up feeling less than what God had created her to be. Envy, with the harsh reality of a family that struggled to remain civil toward one another, lived a life of promiscuity, hoping somehow it would be payback for what she thought was tucked safely away, but was seen by God. They broke away from each other’s embrace and said goodbye to each other.

  Kacie awoke hours later. The house was quiet. She raised her head and saw Layla standing near the kitchen window talking on the phone, no doubt to Dennis.

  “Layla,” Kacie said.

  Layla turned around. “Dennis, I’ll call you back. Kacie just woke up,” she said.

  “You didn’t have to get off the phone. Where are the kids?”

  “They’re asleep. It’s almost nine o’clock.”

  “At night?” Kacie asked with her eyebrows drawn together and creating a frown.

  "Yes, at night.”

  “I’m sorry, Layla. Why didn’t you go home? You should have woke me up.”

  “No, you needed the rest. You need this time to yourself. So I’m here. Envy came back after she left work but you were asleep. She left about an hour ago because she wanted to go to see Mrs. Rawlings. She said she would call back later and check on you.”

  “That’s fine. I don’t know what to do now, Layla. All I know is that I can’t do it without you and Envy.”

  “And you won’t have to do it without us. We’re friends. All three of us, Kacie. Now do you want something to eat? I made the kids some spaghetti and garlic bread. Would you like some?”

  “No, I’m not hungry.”

  Listen, to me, Kacie, and then I’m through with it. “No amount of feeling bad can justify what’s happened. You can’t change what’s happened. Your responsibility is taking care of those seven beautiful children you have. No kind of self-condemnation, self-inflicted pity parties, or wallowing over what you’ve done wrong will make what happened go away. God is the one who justifies. He’s the one who promises to forgive us of our sins if we confess them to Him. He is the one who says He is faithful and just. Not forgiving yourself is not earning you brownie points with God. If anything, it shows that you don’t trust and believe in Him like you say that you do. Chew on that,” Layla said, then threw down the dish towel and went into the den.

  Kacie got up and followed behind Layla. “Maybe you’re right. But you still haven’t walked in my shoes. You’ve never experienced the teasing, pointing, and taunting from other children like I did when I was a child. You’ve never had one person after another stare at you like you were a freak in a circus side show.”

  Layla bit back. “How do you know what I went through? How can you say that I was never teased and made fun of? Well, let’s set the record straight. I’ve always battled with my weight. I have been teased too. So come off the pity trip. Get over it, won’t you?” Layla bellowed.

  “How do I get over it? Don’t you see that it’s different that just being fat. You think it’s easy living with a physical disability? Do you think the good men just flock after me? Well, they don’t, Layla. Look at you, and please don’t get all upset when I say this. But you’re right when you say that you’re overweight. And maybe a person or two has said something about you that was unkind. But you haven’t always been the size that you are. For you, if you really set your mind to it, you can lose weight. But the thing is, despite being obese, you still pulled a good man.

  Dennis looked at you, and he fell in love with you. I’ve never had that, Layla. I wanted it to be Deacon, but it wasn’t meant to be. He already belonged to another woman, and he never meant me any good. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve finally swallowed it.”

  Kacie leaned on the chair in the kitchen like she was totally exhausted. “Layla, every man that’s ever given me the time of day has turned out to be a user, pretending he loved me and wanted to be with me for me. I used to think that when I became a woman I wouldn’t have to listen to people whispering about the way I walked or stopping to stare. But they do. So when a man jumps in my face and turns on the come on line, I fall hook, line and sinker. Until he uses me up and leaves me with a big belly and another baby.”

  “You don’t have to live your life like this,” Layla spoke. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Your self-worth is not based on what a man, or any person out there thinks of you. I’m learning that myself. I don’t have it all together yet, but God is showing me how to love me. He’s showing me through His Word how to love me while I’m fat. That’s what it’s all about. No one is perfect. Don’t you see that? Yes, I can lose the weight. You make it sound so simple. All I have to do is choose to eat healthy, exercise, and change my mindset. Well, that’s easy for someone who’s already got it together. But for me, being fat has been my cushion of comfort. It’s kept me from having to face the world and say, look at me. Just about everyone in my family has a weight issue, and it’s hard for me to change. But with God, I know that I can do it. I have to do it for me. Not for you, Envy, my family, or Dennis, but for me.

  Food has been my stronghold, gluttony is my sin. As for you, laying up with one man after the other has been your stronghold. Fornication is your sin. You’ve been blessed to have beautiful babies, but you don’t want the cycle of low self-esteem and low self-worth to become a generational curse for them. You don’t want your daughters growing up insecure and thinking that having baby after baby and no husband is the right thing to do. And you don’t want your sons making baby after baby with this girl and that one, because you and I both know that it’s not the way God designed it to be. We’re grown women, Kacie. We go to church almost every Sunday, but we’re still living off the breast milk of God, like Kyland lives off yours. We should be on solid food, which is the full Word of God. We look at our lives and we see our ugliness. God looks at our hearts, and He sees our spiritual beauty.”

  “I know what you’re saying. And God knows I hate being the way I am. I’ve hated being different. I’ve hated having this disability. I’ve hated it all of my life. I wonder why it had to be me born this way?”

  “What makes you so special, Kacie? What makes you exempt from the hurts and troubles of the world? How can you say that having cerebral palsy shouldn’t have happened to you? God is no respecter of persons. Maybe you have CP because you can handle it. Don’t you know you’ve been an inspiration to me ever since I first met you? You never give up, Kacie. You have seven children, and you do your best to take care of all of them. You may get down and depressed for a while, but what inspires me about you is that you never stay down. That says to me that you’re special; that God has a special purpose for your life.”

  The two of them embraced one another. The love in the room was apparent. If only they could simply let the past be the past and allow God to move them into the realm of His grace and forgiving love and mercy. If only they could exchange the ugliness of sin for the beauty of God’s mercy and grace.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly. Oscar Wilde

  “Layla,” Envy said over the phone, “I’m going to the hospital to see Mrs. Rawlings. Do you have plans for today?”

  “It’s funny you should ask.” Layla sounded excited. “I’m going to dinner with Dennis at his parents’ house. Sunday he’s going to church with me again, and after church we’re going to my parents’ house for dinner.”

  “You two are really serious. Meeting the parents and all. Go on with your bad self, girl.” Both ladies laughed. “You go on and do your thing. If you get a chance, call and say a few encouraging words to Kacie tonight when you get in; or should I say, if you get in.”

  “No more of that for me.”

  “What do you mean by that
?” Envy stopped at the red light and pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose.

  “I mean that I’m celibate again. I refuse to keep laying up with Dennis. It’s wrong. It’s just plain old wrong. I believe him when he tells me that he loves me. I believe that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me intentionally.”

  “Okay, so what’s the problem?” Envy asked.

  “The problem is my relationship with God. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and I don’t want this added to the list, especially when it’s not a mistake but a choice; an outright sin against this temple of God,” Layla pointed at herself. “God specifically tells how He feels about fornication. You and I know that it’s clearly written in His Word that it’s sin against our very own temples; our bodies. I’m going to talk to Dennis tonight and tell him how I feel about it. It’s his call after that. Either he’ll understand or he’ll say he doesn’t want a celibate relationship, and he’ll be out of my life.” Layla said dryly.

  “He’s not about to let you go. Every time I’ve seen Dennis, he looks like he can eat a mess of your homemade cookies.” Envy laughed until she swerved partially into the other lane. A blaring horn forced her back to her lane. Layla laughed too. “You and I both know that your cookies will send the best of them to the bathroom for hours.” They kept laughing.

  “Tonight will tell. Let me get off this phone before I split my sides. You are too crazy for me. I’ll call Kacie when I get back home.”

  When Envy arrived to the hospital, she was met with a surprise of her own when she walked into Mrs. Rawlings’s hospital room. She was sitting up in her recliner chair. Several of her church members were with her. Envy felt good because she saw radiance about Mrs. Rawlings that she hadn’t seen since she’d been in the hospital.

  “Hello, everyone,” Envy said.

  “Hello,” they said under one voice.

  Mrs. Rawlings’s pastor stood and offered the last seat in the room to Envy. She didn’t refuse. Her feet were barking like crazy.

  “Mrs. Rawlings, there’s someone else here to see you,” the Pastor told her.

  The old woman tried to turn her head. She managed to do so too.

  Envy clapped her hands. “Good job, Mrs. Rawlings.”

  Mrs. Rawlings forced out the words, “Want to see you.”

  Pastor spoke up. “I think that’s the cue for us to leave.”

  Envy held her hand up to stop him. “No, you don’t have to leave on my account. She loves it when her church family visits. It’s the only family she has, you know.”

  “Yes, we know, but I believe she’s saying that it’s you she wants to see right now.” The Pastor smiled and spoke in a magnetic voice. He turned back toward Mrs. Rawlings and gently laid his massive hand on top of her balding head of gray hair. “Will you all join hands so I can pray for our sister, Mrs. Rawlings?” The pastor prayed. When he finished, Envy saw tiny teardrops cascading down Mrs. Rawlings’s aged face. One of the members saw them too and grabbed a tissue and lightly wiped her tears away, then kissed her on the side of her forehead. They each told her goodbye and departed.

  “Bed,” Mrs. Rawlings muttered.

  “You’re ready to get in the bed?” Envy asked to make sure that she understood her correctly.

  “Yes…bed.”

  Envy called for the nurse. Two of them came and placed her safely back in the bed. Mrs. Rawlings extended her trembling hand out toward Envy. Envy held it, and then laid her head on the side of the bed close to Mrs. Rawlings’s shoulder.

  “You are such a sweet girl. You don’t understand how much God loves you.”

  Envy popped her head up. She looked around the room in a daze. Then she looked back at Mrs. Rawlings. “You’re talking plainly. I mean, just a second ago, you were struggling to get out one simple word, and now you’re talking like nothing is wrong with you.” Envy broke into a huge smile.

  “Talk to me, child. Tell me what’s on your mind and in your heart.” Her words were slow, but clear.

  Envy cried and cried. She touched the skin along Mrs. Rawlings’s face. As if chains had been broken, Envy started talking. “Mrs. Rawlings, all the time, I thought I could hide my tormented heart and mind by having sex with one man after another. Only I controlled all the shots and not them. I looked at it as using them while steering clear of the words love or commitment. I feel so bad and have never been able to get over what I did a long time ago. Mrs. Rawlings, I—”

  Knock, knock, time for your meds and supper.” The nurse came in along with the dietician staff member. “Hi, Mrs. Rawlings,” each one of them said in soothing, caring voices.

  “God…good,” Mrs. Rawlings spoke slowly.

  “My, my, my. You are talking great. Your voice is much clearer. I am so proud of you. If you keep this up, you might be getting out of here soon,” the nurse said encouragingly while the dietician sat the tray on the stand and turned to leave.

  “Nurse,” Envy asked curiously. “How can she go from not being able to talk just moments ago, and now she speaks almost clearly? Even though her words come out slowly, she’s talking.”

  “It happens. Stroke victims can show marked improvement over time. Now that her sugar level is stable and her vital signs are basically returning to normal levels, it gives her more strength to fight. You understand, Mrs. Rawlings?” The nurse switched her glance to the patient and smiled. “Who knows what the doctor is going to say when he makes his rounds, which should be in an hour or two. He’s going to be glad to see how you’re improving. I do know that.” She patted Mrs. Rawlings on her leg.

  “Yeah,” Mrs. Rawlings said.

  “I’m speechless. This is just fantastic,” Envy told the nurse.

  “God,” Mrs. Rawlings said. “God.”

  Envy agreed. “You’re right, Mrs. Rawlings. It’s God.”

  “If you need anything, push the button, hon,” the nurse said, then turned to leave.

  “Envy was so thrilled that she called to tell Layla, but there was no answer. She remembered that Layla told her she was going out with Dennis. The only person she could think of calling was Leonard. Leonard always asked about Mrs. Rawlings whenever Envy talked to him.

  “Hi,” Envy said when he answered the phone.

  “My, what have I done to deserve such a pleasant surprise?” Leonard sounded elated to hear Envy’s voice on the phone.

  “Quit it, will you? I had to tell somebody. I’m so excited. It’s my neighbor, Mrs. Rawlings. Leonard, she’s talking.” Envy told him the story about the church members, the pastor praying, and how out of the blue Mrs. Rawlings started talking clear as spring water.

  “That is good news. I am glad for her. And I’m glad for you too. You’ve been so attentive to her. You’re just like a daughter to her, and I bet that’s how she feels about you. You are a remarkable woman, Envy. That’s why I’m so crazy about you,” Leonard flirted. “If you’ll give me a chance, I’ll show you. And no, I’m not talking about a romp in the sack. I mean I want to show you, spend time with you, take you places, and spend my life with you.”

  “What?” Envy laughed so hard she almost started to cry. “You will say anything to get your way, won’t you?”

  “You see what I’m talking about? Why do you always have to do this? I’m trying to be serious by telling you how I feel, but you keep taking what I say and turning it into a joke.”

  “All I wanted was to tell you the good news,” Envy said and watched as Mrs. Rawlings began to drift off to sleep. “That’s why I called you. Not to hear how crazy you are about me. Anyway, I’ve got to hang up. I’m going to spend some more time with Mrs. Rawlings. Then I’m going home to work on a project for a meeting I have tomorrow morning.”

  “Tomorrow’s Saturday, Envy,” Leonard told her.

  “I know that, but I still have to work. This presentation is for a group of corporate executives flying in this weekend. They want to see the presentation first thing Monday morning, so I want to go over it and make sure everything is done. I
don’t have room for errors. Thanks for listening and for caring, Leonard, really. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’m flattered by everything you’ve told me. I really am. Bye now.” Envy hung up the phone. Mrs. Rawlings slightly opened her eyes and Envy felt the need to explain. “That was a close friend, Mrs. Rawlings. I’m always talking to him about you. He’s glad that you’re doing better.” Envy went to the sink and washed and sanitized her hands so she could help Mrs. Rawlings with her food.

  Envy was encouraged even more when Mrs. Rawlings ate more food than she had in the two plus weeks she’d been in the hospital. The doctor came in on his rounds.

  “I heard you’re feeling better, Mrs. Rawlings,” the Indian doctor told her. “You should begin to get a little stronger every day.” He examined her, asked her a few questions, and then gave his last assessment. “You still have limited use of the right side of your body. It may improve some over time and it may not. Your speech may do the same. You must keep going to physical and speech therapy.”

  “Home,” Mrs. Rawlings said.

  The doctor patted her hand. “Maybe in two days, or three if you keep improving. Goodnight.”

  “Thank you, doctor,” Envy told him and turned to smile at Mrs. Rawlings. “Did you hear that? You might be going home in a couple of days.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Friendship without self-interest is one of the rare and beautiful things of life.

  James Francis Burne

  Sunday morning, the church was full of the Spirit of God. The choir sang like they’d never sung before. Dennis was in the congregation, sitting on the same pew as Envy and Kacie. His love for Layla seemed to beat against his heart when Layla sang, “Sometimes You Have to Encourage Yourself.”

  Envy listened to the lyrics too, and tears flooded from her eyes.

  Kacie moved from side to side, holding baby Kyland in her arms as he slept softly. Her eyes brimmed with tears.