Escape the Doubt

by Andrea Michelle

My mind was wandering. What’s Josh saying on the phone in the kitchen? I should probably go check my brownies and interrupt him. I should go do that. “Brad, huh?” I said.

  “Yeah, and I like someone else,” he repeated. Again, I thought what did this have to do with me?

  I mean...Josh had sucked on my finger. He had asked to kiss me, and he had put his tongue in my mouth. “You do?” I stated it like a question, but I didn’t really care to know the answer.

  He nodded, “Yeah, she has no idea how amazing she is. There has just always been something about her.”

  More wandering thoughts. What does Josh see in Laiken anyway? Doesn’t he know that she flirts with everyone? Why would someone like her be any good for him? What did Dean just say? Oh yeah… “That’s great, Dean. I’m happy for you. So who is she?”

  I looked back at the front door. I really needed Dean to leave so I could go figure out what had just gone so epically wrong.

  He whispered it so lowly I barely heard him, “She’s you. I like you, Riley.”

  “What?” I said. Shocked, my eyes darted to his eyes. My mind was completely focused on what he was saying for the first time since we had come outside.

  “You like me?” I pointed to myself like an idiot.

  He reached up grabbing one of my curls like he always did and twined it around his fingers. All this time I thought it was a friendly gesture but now I think maybe it was just a way to touch me.

  “I do. I tried not to. I mean...I tried to just stop it, but I always think about you,” he whispered and tucked the curl behind my ear.

  I swallowed hard and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Before I could rationalize anything in my mind, Dean turned my face to his. I didn’t mean to, but I leaned into his hand as he cupped my cheek.

  I was feeling sad. I wanted these words to be coming out of Josh’s mouth, but his words were being spoken to Laiken as I sat there.

  He moved his mouth slowly to mine, and I knew I should have pushed him away, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen in shock. Josh had just blown me off.

  Dean kissed me softly. It wasn’t full of the fireworks that I had just felt, but it was—nice. Just a lingering peck, nothing more pushed, just a soft pause on my lips. When he pulled back, he was smiling like his Earth had shifted, but mine was spinning in circles making me nauseous.

  I forced a grin back. The words were trapped somewhere inside of me. I don’t like you like that. I should have said that. I wondered why I didn’t say that. I just couldn’t find my voice. He got up and walked backwards down my driveway.

  “We will talk later, K?”

  “K,” I breathed.

  I watched until he was no longer visible. And then I rested my head in my hands, letting a few tears escape.

  After wiping my cheeks, I stood up, turned back around to walk into the house, and froze. Josh was standing in the doorway. He’d seen the entire thing. I could tell by how his jaw was set tightly, how his eyes were tracking Dean’s departure. His arms were braced above him on the doorframe. His body stiff and beautiful, if he wasn’t so angry looking that is.

  I whispered, “Josh...” his cold eyes darted to mine interrupting me.

  “Don’t! You and Dean make a cute couple.” He said it like he hated the idea of it, but he smiled at me like it was a brilliant idea.

  I looked at him with all the confusion I was feeling. “We are not a couple. I think he’s just confused.”

  “His mouth didn’t seem confused, Riley” He took a few deep breaths and shook his head. “Look…Laiken and her mom are coming to pick me up. I already called my parents, so they know about it. I took the brownies out while you were… doing what you were doing out here,” he said pointing in a circle at the steps I was just sitting on, and straightening his body in the doorway.

  A tear fell from my eyes. I wiped it quickly before he saw it. He was being so mean to me, and I just didn’t understand why he would be mad at me. I didn’t set out to kiss Dean, but I guess I didn’t stop it either.

  “Okay. Josh, it’s not what it looked like. I promise,” I whispered as I went to move around him to get inside.

  He seized me by my elbow, and when I didn’t turn around to face him, he sighed heavily in his chest.

  “A first kiss, a second kiss all in one night, Riley. That’s what it looked like. Which one was better? Wait don’t answer that. I will soon know the answer for myself, when I—,”

  I jerked my arm back, and turned to him with all the venom I felt for how he was making me feel inside. “When you what, Josh? Kiss Laiken?”

  He leaned into my ear, and his hot breath caused me to shiver as he whispered, “No kiss will taste as sweet as yours. Good luck with Dean.”

  And with that, he took off down the steps toward his yard.

  I chased after him, “Josh, stop!” I begged.

  He turned around, and I didn’t know what I saw when I looked at him. Fear? Anger? Sadness? I just didn’t know. All my life I had been able to read Josh. But recently, things were shifting, and I couldn’t always read him. It scared me.

  “What, Riley?” he yelled. He never yelled at me before. It caught me off guard. His hands were balled into fists, and he was obviously angry.

  I walked right up to him, standing almost on my toes to meet his eyes. I placed my hand on his chest. His heart was pounding underneath my palm. I hated that he was so mad at me.

  “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the hell happened tonight, but please don’t be mad at me, Josh.”

  His eyes softened, his shoulders slumped, and he placed his head on my forehead in defeat.

  “I’m not mad at you, Riley. I’m mad at myself. I shouldn’t have said all of that. I’m not going to Laiken’s tonight. I never even called her. I lied. I just—,” he trailed off pulling back to look at me.

  “You just what?” I said quietly.

  He pulled me into a hug. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I loved how perfect I felt with his arms around me. I hugged him back, like there would never be another time.

  “You mean a lot to me, Riley. You’re my girl, my best friend, ya know? All this stuff is confusing. You and Dean like that...well, it’s just weird, and I don’t like how it makes me feel.” He released me, rubbed behind his neck, and looked up to the sky.

  “Josh, you mean everything to me too. There is no Dean and me. I don’t know what to say about what you saw, because I am just as confused as you are that it happened,” I said.

  His eyes darted to mine. “He likes you, Riley.” He stated it like it all made perfect sense—like he already knew it. Did he know?

  “I know,” I said. I didn’t before, but I did then. It’s just that, I didn’t like him like that.

  “Do you like him?” His eyes studied mine with an intensity that I wasn’t familiar with.

  I shook my head back and forth. The answer came to me so quickly, although I questioned its truth. “No… not like that.”

  “Do you like me like that?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

  Yes, that I knew for a fact. I did. I looked at him. The truth was on my tongue, ready to fall freely into the wind. If I told him the truth, if I said—yes, it would crush me if he didn’t feel the same. Worse, what if he did feel the same? And then I did something to screw it up, or he changed his mind later? My dad had loved my mom once, but he’d still cheated on her. He’d still hurt her beyond repair. I could lose my best friend if I let myself feel the truth—say the truth.

  I betrayed my own heart that day.

  What I said wasn’t even scratching the surface of what I really felt for him. “You’re my best friend, and I liked kissing you, and I don’t like the way it feels seeing you with other girls. Shit, I don’t even like talking about it or thinking about it but…but…” How could I explain? I was afraid he would hurt me. I was afraid that I loved him so deeply that he had the power to ruin me.

  He gripped my chin, and the look in his eyes
was killing me slowly. He whispered quietly, “But what?”

  Tears began to trickle down my cheeks, I didn’t know why exactly, maybe for the loss of the possibility. I just felt so emotionally drained. My system had been shocked.

  “But...it’s probably not a good idea. I would be lost without you, and we’re only fourteen. Besides, you seem curious about everything, where I am fine with everything staying the same.” I lied. I wasn’t fine.

  In a perfect world, where love didn’t scare me to death, and forever existed, he would say what I wanted. He would have said –,”

  It’s a perfect idea, Riley. You’re my girl, my only girl, and I will love you, only you forever”.

  We didn’t live in that perfect world. In reality, he said, “I guess I am a little curious. Things stay the same…for now, but one day Riley, we may have this conversation again, and when we do, I hope you say yes.”

  His eyes bore into mine, and then he placed a sweet kiss on my forehead. I wiped at my eyes as he stepped back, leaving me standing in the yard with a feeling like nothing would ever stay the same. I hoped that conversation would happen again one day. I hoped that when it did, I would have the strength and security to say yes.

  That conversation could have happened the next year, but my Dad made a bad decision that made it impossible to ever embrace. Instead, it blew away in the wind, whispering little doubts of why Josh and I could never be more than best friends.

  CHAPTER 2

  Some things are easier said than done, like forgiveness for example. Josh wants me to forgive. Forgive my mom, for being so unforgiving of my dad that she couldn’t let herself heal and be loved. Forgive my dad, for not loving enough to have never cheated in the first place, and for putting that insecurity in her. Forgive my dad, for being so reckless that he took not only his life but also another. Forgiving myself for the guilt I feel for the harbored feelings I have toward them. Forgive them for ruining me. I just don’t know how.

  The ride back to my house is quiet. Josh hums along with Jason Aldean on the radio, while my thoughts drift to two days ago.

  “Riley, c’mon we have been together two years. What are you waiting for?” Dean asked for the trillionth time it seemed. I’d stopped him from going any further with me, and he was frustrated as always.

  I’d pushed on his bare chest, and he rolled off of me on a huff. “I’m just not ready. You promised to not push me, Dean, and yet every time we make out we end up in this same position.” I said, annoyed with my pushy boyfriend.

  He started kissing my neck and nibbling on my ear. “I could think of some other positions we could try,” he tried to convince me with his lips. It wasn’t his lips I yearned for. He would never be able to convince me.

  I sat up completely exasperated. “Dammit, Dean, back off. I’m not ready. Stop pushing me.”

  This time Dean listened. He growled as he put his shirt back on. Why I’d ever pulled it off of him while we were kissing was beyond me. He stood and looked down at me curled up on my bed.

  “How about I do us both a favor and back off completely, Riley?” He asked.

  I shrugged. What did I care? I wasn’t ready. I said I wasn’t, and he needed to respect that.

  I threw my hands in the air, “Whatever.” It wasn’t the first time Dean had asked for a pause, but something in his eyes told me this pause would be a permanent one. For the life of me, I just couldn’t find a reason to feel upset about it.

  “I’m serious, Riley. I’m tired of going in this circle with you. You’re hot then you’re cold. You kiss me like you can’t get enough, grab at my shirt like you can’t wait to be undressed, and then you just pour the ice on it. I’m a guy, Riley. I have needs and you…well, you aren’t meeting them,” he barked at me and adjusted himself in his pants.

  I pulled my feet underneath me. I narrowed my eyes on the boy that I never should have been with and asked, “So...what you’re saying is, you are breaking up with me for good if I don’t have sex with you?” I always knew he was a jerk.

  He shrugged. “Not to sound like a dick or anything, but yeah—pretty much. Riley, we’ve been friends our entire life. I’ve been a patient guy for two years, but you just don’t seem to know what you want,” he said, holding his hands out.

  My mouth fell open, “I know what I want. I want you to stop pushing me to do something I keep telling you I’m not ready for. If you care about me at all, you would understand my feelings, and stop making me feel guilty.” I want Josh. I want my dad to have never killed his mom. I want a do-over.

  He sat on my bed and placed his hands on top of my legs. “I do care about you, Riley. I’m not trying to make you feel anything, but I am ready. I have been ready for a very long time. I want my first to be with you, baby. It’s only special when it’s with you. But I don’t want to wait anymore, so unless you are willing to move forward with me, I need to move on without you.”

  At least, he was honest. I thought—thinking I should be grateful for having him be so upfront about his intentions.

  I weighed my options. I could have sex with Dean—even though I didn’t want to—in order to keep my boyfriend, or let him go. I just felt like sex was a big deal. It should be shared with someone you love. I didn’t love Dean. Half the time, I couldn’t even decide if I liked him all that much. The decision was easy.

  I leaned into kiss his cheek, “I’m sorry, Dean, but maybe we should just break up.”

  He frowned but nodded in agreement. “I’m sorry too.” He pecked my cheek and left.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Josh asks pulling me out of my head.

  I have no clue how long I have been staring off into space, lost in the memories of life altering moments. “Huh? What?”

  He chuckles. “You went somewhere for a bit. Wanna talk about it?” He touches my temple.

  I wish I could tell him. He is a guy, he would know if I were just being a sucky girlfriend. But to tell him, would also mean he would have to disclose his own virginity or lack thereof status with me.

  I don’t want to hear about, much less know any of that. I’m not naïve. Josh has frequent quick flings with girls. The girl he is currently associated with is known for being easy. Plus, I hear the things guys say around school. Not to mention, Dean has, in so many words, told me Josh isn’t into commitment, but likes having a good time. Ugh!

  In my mind, Josh is still untouched completely. I choose to think that.

  “I was just thinking about how growing up is complicated. Can you believe in four months we’re graduating high school? Everything is going to change.” I sigh, fearing that very thing…Change.

  He gives me a side-glance and begins to chomp on his bottom lip nervously. He is thrumming his thumbs on the steering wheel, looking to be contemplating his next words carefully.

  “Yeah, about that. I’ve been thinking too. What are your plans after graduation?” he asks.

  I look at him, really wondering what he’s been thinking about in regards to plans after graduation, and if they include me?

  “Actually, I don’t know, really. Other than moving out and into the dorms at UTA—I have no plans. I only applied nearby because I wanted to be close to home for Tatum, and well, Joey too. Plus, that’s where Emily is going, so I guess that’s all the planning I have done. What about you?” I hold my breath fearing his answer.

  I already knew Josh had been offered football scholarships to a few choice universities. It wasn’t a surprise. He was a damn good quarterback. I would miss watching him play football next year. Hell, I miss watching him now on the off-season. He might not be here next year, but that’s just a possibility I’ve tried not to dwell on. I had attempted to mentally prepare myself for that fact.

  He sighs, “I’ve been weighing my options. My dad wants me to accept the scholarship in Louisiana—it’s not too far away, but I’m not sure that is what I want.” He looks at me again before looking back at the road.

  “What do you want?”

 
“Would you be shocked if I said to not play football?” He shrugs.

  Yeah, a little bit I think.

  “A little bit, to be honest, but not completely. There is more to you than just football—although you are really good. What would you want to do?”

  A few silent seconds go by. I watch his face cloud over before he finally speaks. “Not play, just be me. Go to school here, or somewhere. I don’t know.” He pulls into his driveway and opens the garage.

  I hadn’t even realized we were back by our houses. “You have company it seems.” He points at Emily’s beat up sedan parked in my driveway.

  I haven’t told Emily about my break up either. She never liked Dean and me together anyway. For the longest time, I thought it was because she had a killer crush on him freshman year, and they kinda dated for a few weeks. I never made anything official until we were sophomores, so I think she was over it by then. Truth was, she thought I was too good for Dean. She thought I was crazy for passing up a chance to be with Josh.

  She might actually high five me.

  Before I open the car door, Josh grabs my hand. I turn toward him, my eyes looking down at his hand holding mine, and then back up to his face that still looks very guarded. I wonder what he is thinking.

  “Try to be happy, Riley. I know today sucks, but I think it’s more than that. You seem sad. It’s not just today. It’s been for a little while.” His eyes penetrate mine with compassion and concern.

  I feel my eyes glaze over—I am sad. “Thank you, Josh, for everything. You have been my best friend since I was five years old, and I wouldn’t know what to do without you. But…I’m okay. I promise. At least, I will be, but you are so sweet to worry about me.” I lean in, kiss his cheek, and hurriedly get out of the truck before I start confessing my love for him.

  My filter seems clogged.

  CHAPTER 3

  Best friend status sucks, and not because it’s a pain being her best friend, but because I want to be more than her best friend. So badly, in fact, I imagined today that she almost told me she loved me. So badly that I am willing to give up a football scholarship just so I can stay near her. Crazy or in love? I’m leaning toward crazy since she has a long-term boyfriend.