Escape the Doubt

by Andrea Michelle

  “What the fuck?” Collin muttered taking the last step of the staircase, tossing Laiken to the side. He was done with her.

  “No shit. Riley’s at home in tears because it’s the anniversary of her dad’s death, and he’s fucking about. Explain to me again why you’re friends with that asshole?” I asked.

  How was I ever friends with him? Collin and Dean used to be stepsiblings until their parents divorced, so they have a bond. I got it, but man, I couldn’t stand that guy. Half the time, Collin tolerated his smug attitude. Dean has an ego the size of a small planet.

  “Dean said they broke up a few days ago. So asshole or not, he’s in the all clear, buddy.” Collin told me, not that it would matter to him if they weren’t broken up. Broke up?

  “Few days ago huh? We both know this isn’t the first time, and he could be lying, dude. She never said they broke up,” I admitted. She would tell me if they had. Wouldn’t she?

  I’ve suspected Dean cheats on Riley. What does that say about me exactly? I’ve convinced myself it’s because I am protecting her from being hurt, even though I know he is the one hurting her. I don’t know what the real reason is. The sound of my turn signal brings me back to the present. I chance a glance in Riley’s direction.

  “Are you okay, Riley?” I ask her as we pull into the driveway.

  She wipes at her cheeks, and shit—I hate myself right now. I’m not even the one that has fucked her over, but I feel like I did. I want to protect her, to keep her from all the disappointment she keeps facing in the people she trusts, including from me.

  “Yeah, I’m good. You should go back to the party. Apologize to Emily for me. I shouldn’t have left her there like that. We walked over. Don’t let her walk back alone, please.”

  She’s worried about everyone but herself.

  “I’ll um…I’ll go get her and bring her back here. Ok?”

  She nods, and abruptly turns in her seat to look at me. I swallow when I notice the edge of decision in her eyes.

  “Why do you think my dad cheated on my mom? I mean...he loved her. I know he loved her. Why then would he do something so unloving? Didn’t he think it would hurt her?”

  Well, that wasn’t what I thought would come out of her mouth. I have no idea how to answer any of that. And now I’m wondering if she isn’t as naïve about Dean as I thought. Maybe she knows he cheats, but if so, why stay with him.

  “I don’t know, Riley. From what you told me he was really young—still in college—right?” She nods.

  “I think he just made a mistake in judgment. He moved y’all here away from it, and I think he tried to move past it,” I explain best I can think of.

  She sighs. “So...do you think my mom should have forgiven him of that?”

  Why is she asking that?

  “I think she did to an extent. She stayed with him. Whether she should have or shouldn’t have done, I don’t know,” I tell her shrugging.

  She mulls that over. “I think she shouldn’t have. I think his decision to cheat meant he didn’t love her enough, or at all. She might have spent years with the wrong guy. It happens, ya know? And I get it. They had me to think about, but she got knocked up her senior year of high school. It was an accident that brought them together. Sometimes accidents change everything, and take away what’s really meant to be.”

  Whoa! I’m not sure what she is trying to say. Did she think she had spent years with the wrong guy? Did she share an accident? I don’t really have a reply. I’m too confused on her real meanings.

  I study her face, wishing I could jump inside her mind and read her every thought.

  I go to open my mouth, but she stops me. “Ignore me. I don’t know what I’m saying. My head is all kinds of fucked up right now. I think...I’m just going to go get some sleep. Thanks for bringing me home, Josh—again. You always take such good care of me.” She whispers the last part, a slight frown marring her features.

  “Anytime, Riley. I love…taking care of you. Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything.” I kiss her forehead, just needing to touch her as always. Her eyelids flutter shut for a moment.

  She climbs out, and I watch her walk inside.

  When I get back to Collin’s, all hell has broken loose in his front yard. It looks as though most everyone left except some few key players.

  Emily, being true to herself, is giving Dean the business. He actually looks a little scared of her.

  I would be. That chick takes no crap. Her red hair is flying around as her temper flares. When I get out of the truck, their heads snap to me.

  “Does she know that he was fucking someone else while she was at home a mess?” Emily yells the question at me, making me flinch a little.

  “No, she assumes he was here with someone, but she doesn’t know the details. She doesn’t know who,” I grate through my teeth and glare at him.

  “I didn’t know she would be here. She never comes here without me,” Dean yells at anyone who cares. We don’t.

  “You come without her though, don’t you?” Emily knowingly says to him, and I almost choke on her choice of words. The pun was intended.

  “You’re such a fucking asshole. Always manipulating her mind to make her think she is safe with you. She isn’t. You and I know you’re full of lies. I’m glad y’all are done. She deserves someone so much better than you.” She points her finger at his chest, “YOU ARE NO GOOD FOR HER.” She deliberately drawls every syllable.

  Dean steps right up to Emily daringly, to where they are almost toe-to-toe. Collin and I both move in closer, ready to intervene. Dean’s voice takes on a low edge. “You used to think otherwise, Em. In fact, if I remember correctly you said it was soooo good.” He smirks.

  What the fuck did he mean by that?

  The two of them stare at each other with such anger. I’m not sure what to make of it. You would think Emily herself had been with him, had been hurt by him. Odd.

  “C’mon, Em, let it go. He isn’t worth it. I promised Riley I would get you back to her house,” I tell her, trying to tug her away and toward my truck. Collin is tugging on Dean in the opposite direction.

  “As usual, great party, Collin,” I joke and he salutes.

  A few more steps and we are all clear. “Oh, and Em? Riley’s a big girl. She can think for herself. We have history. We are a thing whether you like it or not,” Dean tosses out into the wind—so not broke up, I assume.

  I had Emily almost in the car but now she is halted mid step. She turns and places her hands on her hips. “Y’all broke up, Dean. Isn’t that what you told everyone? Or was that a lie?”

  Shit. What if he did lie? If he did, then why the hell did Riley seem so chill about his being here with someone else? Why am I not kicking his ass myself?

  Dean smirks, and I want to knock him out. “Don’t worry that pretty little head with the semantics, Em. It’s really not your business, so STAY THE FUCK OUT!” He yells, and goes back in the house, slamming the door.

  Once we’re in the car, Emily lets out a slew of curse words that shock the hell out of me. When she’s done, I put the car in reverse. As I’m looking back, I chance a question. “Want to tell me what the hell that was about?”

  She growls, “I just hate him, like really, really hate him. And Riley, Jesus...she’s so sweet and loyal. She doesn’t see what a pig he is, and he is a pig, Josh.”

  Once I’m back on the road, and I realize she isn’t going to elaborate, I dig a little more. “It looks a little personal, Em. Why is that?”

  She gasps and then covers her mouth, and now I know I’m not going to like this. “Emily?” I question again.

  “Pull over, Josh. Pull over.” She cries.

  I do. I place the truck in park on the side of the road. She hops out, paces a few times, and pulls on her hair. She climbs back in and takes a deep breath.

  “It’s just, I…he…Ah, fuck! Look...never mind. Listen, I’m going to tell her about this. Not tonight because she is t
oo fragile, but later. She needs to know what kind of piece of shit she spent the last two years with. I just want you to know that I’m not keeping this a secret from her,” she admits.

  I nod as a prickle of unease hits my system. One, because I think Emily is withholding something. And two, because I think Riley might already know the kind of piece of shit she spent the last two years with. I just can’t figure out why she has, if she did know. I put the car back into drive.

  “She cares about you, Josh. It’s always been about you. I don’t know why she stayed with him. But…well…I thought you should know,” she sighs, answering my internal question.

  When I pull up to Riley’s house, I wish Emily good luck, and she gives me her thanks.

  Something was off with Emily about Dean. She seemed to know exactly how he is from personal experience. I have a good mind to go kick his ass myself, but I don’t.

  Instead, I go to the place I hope I can get some insight on what to do to help my best friend and the girl I love with all of my heart.

  I go to my mom’s grave.

  CHAPTER 6

  Realizing I might have spent the past two years wasted on someone who never really cared about me at all—sucks ass. I chose him because he was safe—because he didn’t have my heart and the power to cripple me, but the fact that he did what I feared the most out of men, well that fucking hurts and is messing with my head in the worst way.

  When I walked into the house from the party, my mom was sitting at the table with a glass of wine in her hand. The bottle of merlot on the table in front of her, and a shoebox labeled ‘Evan’ that she kept touching.

  “Mom, you know you’re not supposed to drink with your meds,” I tell her. My mom has been on anti-depressants for a few years now.

  “I know, but today I just needed…”

  “I understand.” Actually I do.

  “Where is Tatum?” I ask her.

  “Next door. I might have said something to upset her.” Not surprising, I thought.

  “Said what?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I will fix it tomorrow,” she says.

  “What do you have there?” I ask pointing to the box.

  “Memories. He loved me, you know? I think he just forgot it.” She opens the box and pulls out a piece of paper. A note.

  “Can you forget that you love someone?” I ask her.

  She nods and hands me the letter to open. “Yes, I forgot too,” she tells me.

  I open the letter and read:

  “So y’all wanted me?” I ask her, my glassy eyes darting to hers. I just didn’t think they did, really. It was an accident. Unplanned.

  She looks at me for a beat. “Why would you ask that, Riley? Of course, we wanted you. Getting pregnant wasn’t planned obviously, but it happened. After getting over the initial shock of it, we were happy, excited even. I loved him, and he loved me. We knew with or without a baby, we would be together.”

  “Then what happened?”

  She sighs and pours another glass of wine, which is not a good idea. “Life, doubts, not trying enough. Lots of things.”

  I don’t know why I start to cry, but I do.

  “Oh Riley, what’s wrong? Did something happen tonight?” she asks.

  I nod and wipe at my eyes. “Yes, Dean was with someone else tonight. We had a disagreement, and it’s only been a few days, and I can’t help but think that this someone else might have existed before then. It’s just so soon,” I admit it.

  I’ve noticed the way Dean looks at other girls when he thinks I’m not looking. Then there are those times I call him, and he doesn’t answer, but will text me right back and say he just can’t talk, but texting is ok. I never questioned it even though it bothered me. It seemed off. Shady.

  “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. But I can’t say that I’m surprised. He isn’t the right boy for you,” she says sipping her wine. She is beginning to slur a little.

  She has had way too many glasses of wine, I think. “What? You said you liked Dean.”

  “Yeah, I said I liked him, but I don’t think he is the right boy for you. He’s nice enough, but nice only goes so far.”

  “What are you saying, mom?” Do I even want to know?

  “Did I ever tell you about a boy named, Billy?”

  I shake my head back and forth. Honestly, my mom and I have never had conversations like this before at all. The wine has her talking more than usual.

  “Well, Billy used to go out of his way to compliment me. He would tell me he liked my hair. He would notice little things about me, like the little freckle by my eye. I never saw him as anything other than a nice guy. I had a secret crush on the new boy in theatre, guess who? Yep, your dad. There was just something about him. Your dad didn’t always say the right things or compliment me the same way Billy did. Where am I going with this?” she asks, and I shrug.

  “Oh yes, you see the difference was Billy was trying too hard. What he was doing was fake. And your dad, well, he was being himself. I knew he was whom I belonged to. He took my breath away, where Billy made me hold my breath. Hold my breath and wait for something bad to happen. Billy was too nice, but I knew something was amiss,” she explains.

  “Okay, so Billy was my Dean. Is that what you are saying?” I ask her.

  “Exactly. When it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

  I get it. I’m still confused, though. “But dad cheated on you, Mom. Isn’t that a something bad?”

  She frowns and nods sadly. “Yes, but honey, there were some amazing years before that. I don’t know why he did what he did, but I know now that he did choose me. He moved us here and away from where she was. He tried to make me happy, but I just couldn’t forget it. I couldn’t escape the doubts and the insecurities to forgive him completely. I didn’t choose him, and it’s my fault he isn’t here with us. I realized it too late.” She begins to cry.

  Her fault?

  “How is it your fault, Mom?”

  She doesn’t tell me right away. She holds a picture of my dad in her palm and touches it gently, lost somewhere in her head.

  “I made a horrible mistake. I just wanted him to understand why I felt the way I did. I needed him to know the immense pain he’d caused me and why it wasn’t easy to just forget it, that I couldn’t just forget it.”

  My voice sounds small and foreign when I speak. “What did you do?”

  She wipes at the tears falling from her eyes. “Your dad and I met for dinner that night. He wanted to make up to me the dinner he had missed the night before. He apologized. He said he was working late because he had a deadline, and he fell asleep in his office. I didn’t believe him. We went to Pete’s Bar & Grill, and I should have been happy. I should have seen it as him trying. I was just filled with such bitterness and doubt that even after all the years, I knew I no longer trusted him. I told him that night that I was leaving him that I had found someone else. I said a lot of terrible things…things I didn’t mean. Starting with the ‘someone else.’ There was never anyone else. There never could be. He was it for me. I just—God, his face when I spoke. I hurt him. I succeeded in my plan even though I’d hoped I would fail. I left him there, lost and broken. I will never ever forgive myself. I hate what I did. I hate even more that he was so lost that he did what he did. He called me, and I didn’t answer. I could have prevented that accident.”

  Oh, my God.

  “The worst part, Riley. He was telling the truth. When I cleaned out his office after the funeral, his co-workers told me he had been pulling all-nighters at work trying for a new promotion. If he got that promotion, he was going to ask me to re-new our vows and take me on a honeymoon since we never had one. We had a baby, we got married, we never went on a honeymoon, and our relationship was done in the wrong order. But looking back, everything he did was to say he was sorry, was to prove to me that he’d made a mistake but that he loved me. That he chose me. I just threw it all away, like he never mattered to me. And God, he did matter…you matte
red,” she tells his picture.

  She grabs my hand and squeezes it hard. “He was everything, and I didn’t see it until it was too late. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Riley. Dean isn’t your Evan. Dean is your Billy. I think you know who your Evan is. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry. I know you love Josh, and you think you can’t because of the accident, but you can, Riley, and you should. You belong with him. Don’t let the past swallow you up to where you can’t live in today or see a better future. Find the beauty behind the ugly, baby, even if you have to dig deep to get to it, and just let it be its own kind of beautiful.”

  She releases my hand and stands, kisses my cheek, and goes to her room with the box cradled to her chest.

  My heart is broken. I thought I was filled with guilt. There is no comparison of the guilt my mom carries around. I think I understand her depression better. I think I understand her fear of me always running away, only if we were allowed a do-over.

  CHAPTER 7

  Best advice: Remind her that you remember everything before shit got real. Something only I share with her, a childhood memory that says—“I never forgot”—hope I don’t fuck it up.

  It’s been a few weeks since Collin’s party, a few weeks since Riley has finally admitted she is single. Does that mean she is with me now? Hell, no. Why do you ask? One simple answer...high-school-rumor-mill.

  First off, Riley doesn’t know Dean was with Preslee at Collin’s, and I am too much of a pussy to tell her. Why? Shit, if I know. However, she is fucking convinced that Preslee is with me. Crazy right? Not really, not when before that party, Preslee was clinging to me. I even took her out, funny how things work out. So funny, in fact, I can’t even laugh about it. That’s because it’s not fucking funny at all. It’s my life.