Escape the Doubt

by Andrea Michelle

  “You should come out with me tonight. We can do whatever you want. Something that will make those beautiful eyes I love so much, not so sad. Forget all the shit you’ve faced for a little while, yeah?” He says, perhaps throwing his own caution to the wind.

  Eyes he loved so much? I felt my throat tighten up as I looked at my best friend. I loved him even more knowing that he was willing to blow off his Valentine’s date with pink lace in attempts to make me feel better, knowing the reward was not going to be any favors in the bathroom. Yeah, I didn’t buy that he was joking with me that night. Preslee is known to give boys what they want.

  I pushed the thought away. “You like my eyes? You’ve said that twice in like twenty minutes?” I ask, genuinely curious and rising to my knees to look at him. He seems caught off guard by my sudden movement and closeness to him.

  He tenses for just a second before relaxing and shrugging his shoulders. “Yeah, I do. No one has eyes like yours. Some days they are blue, some days they are green, or days like today, they are a little bit of both. It’s cool. They remind me of the beach, and I love the beach.” He says it nonchalantly, but I think he emphasized the word love. I don’t question it, or try to make it more than a simple compliment. He takes a sip of his Dr Pepper out of the can distracting me anyway. The way his throat moves is hypnotic.

  “M’hm” I say, no other words are necessary. He likes my eyes. He thinks they are beautiful. Just like I notice how his hazel eyes change colors, he too notices the same about mine. It makes me smile.

  “So, tonight?” He raises his brow.

  “Sounds fun, and you’re sweet to ask, but I heard you have plans,” I say with a wink, air quoting around heard. I ruffle his hair making him laugh. I love his laugh.

  “Anyway, I was kind of a bitch to Tatum all week, I feel kinda bad about it. I might see if she wants to do something.” I really did feel bad about snapping at her all week. It wasn’t her fault my week was one from hell.

  “No dice, baby girl, my dad is taking the brats out for Valentine’s. It’s there, ‘who needs boys’ date, and my dad thought it was this brilliant idea. Truthfully, I think he just doesn’t want to be alone,” he says as the sadness of why he would be alone seep in.

  There it is…that reminder that she’s gone. Those little reminders always slap me when I least expect them.

  “Come to think of it, I should probably stay with my mom then. She told me a lot of stuff. She’s been...well, it’s a long story. I will need to fill you in sometime,” I say.

  He nods.

  “Sleepover with the brats, huh? Good luck with the giggling all night and listening to them talk about those boys ‘they don’t need.’ Sounds fun.” I laugh and push at his chest playfully. Our little sisters were totally boy crazy. Eighth graders…I remember it.

  “Oh yeah, shitloads of fun. I should just have a sleepover with you at your house. That sounds like more fun in my book,” he says wiggling his brows at me. His eyes are gorgeous, the golden brown and green dance together in the sunlight.

  Seriously? Was he kidding? I mean he has snuck in my window a time or two, but that was just silly. By the wiggling brows he just did, I have a different idea of a sleepover all of the sudden. I just stare at him, and I feel my face heat.

  “Um,” was all I could manage to say. I turn my head away from his playful eyes before he sees me blush. I hoped, anyway.

  He starts laughing at my reaction. Evidently, not fast enough. He grabs my chin and turns my face back to his.

  “Ah! Ms. Shaw, where did that pretty little head of yours just go? I do believe you are blushing?”

  Shit! I shove at his chest, “OMG shut up, you are so stupid, Josh, I am not blushing.”

  “Mmm hmm.” He says as he takes a bite of his sandwich and relaxes his back into the tree. “You are a shit liar, Ms. Shaw.”

  “And you are delusional, Mr. Parker.”

  I watch his mouth move as he chews and then pop one of my grapes into my own mouth. His own eyes watch my mouth move. I seriously don’t think I am crazy anymore. Josh and I have always been flirtatious with each other to an extent, but we have kept it friendly while I dated Dean. However, the way he is looking at me right now...well, it doesn’t seem friendly. It seems like something else entirely. Something more.

  And what was that comment? I had no clue what to do with that. Maybe he was joking and didn’t mean it to be suggestive. I think he did though or maybe I’m the one that wants it to be. Damn.

  Josh and I have last period together. We don’t sit next to each other, due to assigned seating. Today we have a sub, and it is pretty much free time, so we all have our cell phones out, which is actually against school policy—but who cares. Josh is chatting it up with Collin, and I am doodling a poem about his eyes in my notebook when my phone vibrates on my lap with a text from Josh.

  Josh: SO...ABOUT THAT SLEEPOVER THING? WHAT WERE WE DOING? CURIOUS

  I look up at Josh, and he grins, I of course blush again as the image of us together flicks into my mind. He chuckles and looks down at his phone, typing again.

  Josh: SEE YOU’RE BLUSHING AGAIN. I THINK THAT IS MY NEW FAV. SHADE ON YOU ;) DO TELL PLS.

  Shit! I am at a loss. He is so flirting with me. I look at him, and he arches his brow and waves his phone at me gesturing for my reply. I cross my legs and tug on my skirt, his eyes track my movements. I am positive he is checking out my legs. Josh is a total boy, and it’s not the first time I have noticed him look at me, but he is being obvious about it, which is unusual for him. Even Collin looks at him puzzled.

  Me: YA KNOW CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

  Josh: YOU’RE KILLING ME - DRIVING ME CRAZY

  What? Why?

  Me: WHAT? WHY? AND STOP LOOKING AT MY LEGS! YOUR GF IS GIVING ME THE EVIL EYE

  I forgot Preslee was in this class until I felt her shooting daggers at me from across the room. I wish my own daggers would detonate her into nonexistence. She is looking back and forth between Josh and me with disapproval. He looks at her and smiles mischievously. She gives him a look that says she isn’t happy with him. He just looks back at me and shrugs before looking down at his phone and typing out another message. He doesn’t even care that she is annoyed?

  Josh: SORRY BUT YOUR LEGS LOOK GREAT IN THAT SKIRT AND DAMN THEM BOOTS ARE SEXY AS HELL – CAN’T HELP IT

  Another vibration...

  Josh: THINK THE EVIL EYE IS ON ME BUT NOT MY GF SO DON’T CARE. NOW STOP STALLING. WHAT MADE YOU BLUSH?

  I look over at her and sure enough she is shooting major daggers at him. Death to Josh looks.

  Not his girlfriend?

  Me: UM, OK. I THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING...IT FELT WIERD. BUT MY MIND JUST WENT THERE

  Josh: THINK I AM FOLLOWING YOU. THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT EXACTLY AND WHY WEIRD?

  Seriously, he wants me to say it. I can’t.

  Me: YOU AND ME

  Josh: WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME?

  Me: UGH...PLS STOP. IT DOESN’T MATTER

  That was getting to personal for me. I couldn’t tell him what I thought about. Could I? Should I?

  A ‘sleepover’ with Josh frightens and excites the hell out of me. He is sex-on-wheels, and I am still holding my “V” card.

  Josh: STOP WHAT EXACTLY? IT MATTERS TO ME AND BASED ON YOUR REACTION I THINK IT MATTERS TO YOU 2

  The bell rings and I literally run out of the door. Josh called my name and tried to catch up to me in the halls. But Preslee grabbed his hand and steered him in her direction giving me my escape. For the first time ever, I wanted to thank her instead of slapping her.

  Josh called me twice and left a voicemail asking me what was wrong and to please call him. I just couldn’t.

  Later that night he text me…

  Josh: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY PRETTY GIRL. TONIGHT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH YOU

  I didn’t reply. I feared Josh didn’t mean it the way I wanted him to. In my mind, he felt because he was my best friend that he should have been with me to cheer me up.
Dean and I were broken up. I was spending Valentine’s with my sad mom who ended up bailing on me to go play Bingo. So, actually I was spending it alone. I didn’t want Josh’s pity. I wanted him.

  I wonder how his date with Preslee is going? Obviously he isn’t enjoying her pink lace yet, or he wouldn’t be texting me. Right? Then another text came through.

  Josh: COME OUTSIDE I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU

  Okay? Confused. He’s here?

  Me: OK ???

  I walk outside and sitting on the steps holding the most adorable white snowball looking kitten with a lime green bow is Josh. In his other hand is a gift box like a Chinese takeout container except it’s lime green.

  “Oh, my God. What is that? Well, I mean...I know what it is. But like...you know what I mean?” I give up. Why do I stutter like an idiot when he surprises me like this?

  He holds the kitten out to me and smiles a megawatt smile, the kitten meows. I take it and hold it to my chest. It kneads into my skin and begins to purr.

  “She’s your Valentine’s present. Your mom said it’s ok. I named her for you. I hope you don’t mind.”

  I look at him briefly and then back to my new kitten. He bought me a fucking kitten. My heart is in awe. “Named her what?” I can’t stop smiling.

  “Tinker Bell but I call her Tink. She’s beautiful. Don’t ya think?” He can’t stop smiling either. His eyes twinkle like he is complimenting me, not the kitten.

  I’m speechless. He named her Tink, after his childhood nickname for me. It’s perfect. He’s perfect. “I love it, Josh. Thank you.” I look at the little takeout lime green box. “And what’s that?”

  He smiles a nervous smile and opens it for me. “It’s a brownie,” he says simply. It’s a brownie? He buys me a kitten and names her Tink after his nickname for me. He gives me a brownie, which forever reminds me of first kisses with him. WOW!

  “A brownie, huh? I um…I love brownies.” I smile shyly and bite my bottom lip from saying the rest. I love him.

  I love you.

  I don’t even think about it when I throw my free arm around his neck and hug him, careful not to crush my Tink, and then I place a peck onto his lips. I stumble back and cover my mouth, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

  He laughs and goes to say something but is interrupted.

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” Dean’s voice filters into my ears from behind Josh. He is walking up my driveway from his house down the road. He looks dark and dangerous, swaggering in the dark, but it doesn’t affect me like it used to.

  “What are you doing here?” Josh asks him, his voice full of anger that I don’t understand. “I thought you had plans,” he continues. Plans?

  Dean steps up to the stairs. He eyes the kitten like he wants to boil her in a pot. I snuggle her closer to me, then he turns cold eyes onto Josh. This whole altercation has thrown me. “Don’t go there, Parker,” he growls. Go where? What is going on?

  I look at Dean with all the confusion in my face. “Why are you here, Dean?” Josh’s eyes are daring Dean to say something, declare some reason he is here.

  He looks at Josh then back to me. “You won’t return my calls or my text, and you ignore me at school. It’s Valentine’s Day, and you’re my girl. I needed to see you.” He says it like it makes perfect sense. It so doesn’t.

  My mouth falls open before the sass I feel builds up. “I am not your girl anymore, Dean.”

  “But you should be. I think we should get back together, Riley. I love you.” He loves me? Since when?

  “You love her?” Josh shouts and then begins laughing. “You have got to be fucking kidding me, right?” he snarls at Dean.

  “Fuck off, Parker. This isn’t your business,” Dean snaps at Josh.

  “Hell it isn’t. You don’t get to shit all over her and then tell her you love her, and think everything is just gonna be peachy again,” Josh says.

  “Isn’t that up to her. Pretty sure she can tell me what she wants. Right, baby?” He asks me in a sweet voice that is no longer sweet to me.

  I am baffled. “Right.” I take a deep breath. “I want you to leave, Dean. I’m not your baby, and I don’t buy for a second that you love me. I smiled for the first time in a while just now, before you came up and took the smile from me. So...please, leave me alone. I just need some space, Dean,” I explain.

  He looks off put. “You smiled because of him?”

  I nod.

  His warmness turns to anger. “Ya know Riley? It seems like he makes you smile a lot, don’t ya think?”

  “He’s my best friend, so yes,” I answer.

  He looks between Josh and me, then tilts his head to the side like a light bulb has just gone off, and he just realized something. “No, it’s more than that. Are you fucking him?”

  How many times is this boy going to shock me? I don’t even get to reply before Josh has pummeled Dean to the ground.

  “Stop, stop. Oh, my God! Just stop,” I yell, trying to pull them apart and keep my little Tink safe. My brownie falls to the ground, making my sweet memory dirty.

  They eventually listen to me and both stand wiping blood from their lips and nose. I’m shocked.

  I look Dean right in the eye. We are at eye level with me standing on my porch. “I think you should leave, Dean. Now!”

  “Fine by me,” he shouts and leaves the way he came.

  Josh pulls me into a hug as I begin to cry. I don’t even know why I am crying. I just can’t believe I spent two years with someone that would talk to me like that.

  When I pull away from Josh, I find our faces are a breath apart. Our mouths almost touching, he rubs his thumb under my eyes. I just want to lean in and feel his tenderness on me. I don’t.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  He looks at me as though my pain is his own. “Don’t ever be sorry for needing me, Riley. If it’s a hug, if it’s to talk, if you just need someone to hold your hand I am here, never be sorry. Okay?”

  I nod. “Okay.”

  He looks down at my brownie that is mixed with dirt and grass now. He frowns and then smirks a little. “Sorry, ‘bout that. Looks like I owe you another brownie.”

  I smile thinking about another brownie, which in my mind is another kiss from Josh. “Yeah...you do,” I laugh.

  Later that night, after going to Target to get kitty stuff for my new baby, I text Emily and told her all about tonight. She told me she was on a date. When I asked with who, she told me she didn’t want to tell me just yet. I told her I wanted the details tomorrow, so we made plans to do a girls’ thing.

  I’m snuggling with Tink and listening to Josh sing, In My Veins by Andrew Belle through my bedroom window, acoustic with his guitar. I don’t know if he knows I can hear him, but what I do know, is that Josh is most definitely in my veins, and I can’t get him out. I don’t want to.

  I must have fallen asleep to his soothing voice. I woke with a chill from the window being cracked. Tink is so cutely snuggled up in my blankets. I smile and kiss her fur. I can’t believe he bought me a kitten. I grab my phone to check the time and notice I have a text from him.

  Josh: YOU LEFT YOUR NOTEBOOK IN LAST PERIOD WHEN YOU RAN OFF. I FOUND YOUR POEM, AND I DISAGREE. JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

  Oh no! He had my notebook where I wrote the poem about his eyes. I didn’t know how to explain that without explaining everything. What did he disagree about?

  GOLDEN BROWN WITH FLECKS OF GREEN

  PENETRATE THROUGH WHAT’S MOSTLY UNSEEN

  TEASE ME, ENTICE ME

  FORGET ME, HAUNT ME

  SEEING WAY TOO MUCH, BUT NEVER ENOUGH

  HIS HAZEL EYES, WHICH I LOVE

  THOUGH BEAUTIFUL, ARE NOT PERFECT

  THEY SEE EVERYTHING, BUT MY SECRET

  CHAPTER 9

  I can’t get the scent of Riley out of my mind—almond and coconut mixed with vanilla. She smelled delicious when she was hugging me earlier tonight. The fact that I put that smile on her face was
the best ego boost. And when she kissed me like she had too, but then backtracked like she shouldn’t have...well, it took everything to not push her against the door to her house and ravish her mouth further, make sure she understood I felt the same way. That the brownie I gave her was a reminder that one moment with her was never forgotten, never enough. Fucking Dean—ruining her moment of joy.

  I had the sweetest dream I have ever had. Riley and I were sitting at the lake, the one with the playground that we used to play at when we were kids. She was wearing this lime green sundress and a pretty flower clipped in her hair as soft, curly tendrils delicately fell around her face. She was walking toward me slowly, her blue/green colored eyes were sparkling in the sunlight. When she stepped up to me, her smile took my breath away. I ran my index finger down her arm, and she shivered, and goosebumps immediately covering her skin. She stood on her tippy toes and reached her hands around my neck, tangling her fingers in my hair like the first time we kissed. When I finally tasted her lips, she moaned, and I just wanted more of her. She pulled away, stepped back and rubbed her fingers across her lips feeling where my lips had just been. She stepped back and crooked her finger to follow her. I do “C’mon, Josh. I need you. Now!” she said over her shoulder in a sultry voice. I follow her. I can’t wait to get wherever it is she wants me to be. Then I wake up. Damn sweet dream was over before we even got there.

  I take a long, cold shower that morning. Holy shit. It was so real. I wanted it to be real.

  When I go to my room, I find a text from Riley waiting for me on my phone. I can’t stop smiling.

  Riley: I LOVE MY NEW BED BUDDY. SHE IS SOOOO SWEET. TY AGAIN

  I read her text a few times and smile. I decide to open the notebook she left behind in class, the one with the poem she wrote about my eyes. I rip it out for safekeeping. She thinks I could ever forget her. She thinks I don’t see her secret. I know she has feelings for me. She just refuses to act on them. I take out my pen and leave her a message of my own. My plan is to give it back to her and let her find it all on her own. Sit and wait.

  I send Riley a quick text.

  Me: YW I’M GLAD YOU LOVE HER BUT...I’M JEALOUS