Escape the Doubt

by Andrea Michelle

  He grabs me by the waist, flips me onto my back leaving me breathless. “You’re fucking killing me, Riley. You don’t know what you’re saying.” He breathes holding his weight on his arms.

  I run my hands down his arms, tracing the outline of my rose. “I know exactly what I’m saying, Josh. I want you, and I want you to want me to. No, I don’t just want it, Josh. I need it. You told me ‘anything I need’ remember? I need you.” I say shameless pushing my hips up to him.

  “Fuuuuck.” He drawls on a growl and rolls off of me onto his back, grabbing his hair and rubbing his hands across his face.

  Immediately embarrassment and rejection fills me, and I begin to shake my head and cry. “You don’t want me do you?”

  “What?” He sounds shocked. “Riley, does this feel like someone who doesn’t want you?” He places my hand on top of his boxers, and I can feel him throbbing and hard.

  I try to grab him, to pull on him, but he grabs my wrist to stop me. He pins my wrist above my head and rolls back on top of me. My legs open to let him rest in between them. He pushes his arousal onto me, and I gasp at the feeling of it. “Oh God, Josh. Please?”

  “That’s what you do to me, Riley. I want you so damn bad it hurts sometimes, and what hurts more than that is you have no fucking clue. But you’re drunk right now, and you don’t know what you’re saying.” He is looking directly in my eyes with a serious face.

  I wrap my legs around his waist and try to grind my hips against him. My head falls back. Even that feels so good. I whimper and he grunts. I feel out of control. “Riley, stop!” He holds me still.

  “Please, Josh. I want you to fuck me. I will let you, just like she does. I need you.” I beg, and he curses again.

  He releases me and jumps from the bed like I’ve burned him. He is looking down at me with such heat that I feel myself coming undone. “I can’t,” he whispers.

  I sit up and pull the covers over my body. “Can’t or won’t?” I ask feeling the pit in my stomach grow wide.

  “Both,” he starts pulling on his jeans, and I know he is going to leave. He is telling me no. He is turning me down, and I am devastated. He doesn’t want me. He isn’t choosing me. Not even like this.

  I roll onto my stomach to hide my eyes, hide my tears, but I know I am shaking, and he can hear me. I feel so stupid. Well, that is that. Not even nearly naked does Josh want me.

  I feel the bed indent as he smoothes his hands along my back. “Riley, I’m leaving, because I don’t trust myself right now with you. Not because I don’t want you. Please, know that. When we do this, when we have this conversation again, and we will have this conversation again, just when you’re sober. I want you to know what you are asking for. I want you to know it’s what you want…I want you to remember it. You are drunk, and you’re most definitely not yourself right now. Everything about tonight is not you, Riley. As far as fucking you…” He leans down to whisper in my ear, and I shiver from his warm breath. “I don’t want to do that. I want to love you, baby. Nice and slow. I want to make love to you. I want to cherish you because believe it or not, Riley. I’ve been waiting to share it with you, too. There is no one better for me than you. You are what I want. You, Riley—just the way you are.” He kisses the top of my head and leaves out my bedroom window.

  I heard him but I barely heard him at all. All I know is Josh rejected me. He told me he can’t and won’t love me. I never should have said anything. I feel drained and completely exhausted. I hope I remember this tomorrow, or maybe I hope I don’t. I’m not so sure of what I hope for anymore.

  CHAPTER 25

  Note to self: tequila makes Riley a damn good temptress, one I really didn’t want to deny. If I had taken advantage of her like that though, I would have regretted that decision. Too bad every word she said tells me that what she believes to be reality is so far from the fucking truth that she was willing to do—that. FML

  It’s been one week, three days, six hours and 32 minutes since that beautiful day with Riley turned into a nightmare, one I can’t seem to escape from.

  She won’t answer my calls. She won’t reply to my text. She won’t let me come over, and she avoids me in the halls at school. She flat out ignores me like I don’t exist.

  I hate every fucking minute and every damn second of it.

  Every day I have slipped a yellow/red rose bud in her locker and watched from afar as she smelled the scent, touched it’s delicate pedals, frowned and placed them in the trash in the hall. She doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t look at anyone.

  In fact, Riley has been walking around in a shell of her old self, her head cast down, and her shoulders slumped as though she is carrying the weight of the world—in a complete zombie like state.

  I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss the way her blue/green eyes used to sparkle. Now...it’s just all—absent. Missing. Not there.

  The only person she seems to speak to is Emily, and unfortunately, Emily isn’t speaking much to me either. So, I’m not in the know as to what is going on in Riley’s head these days. Never in our entire life, have I not known what was going on. Never. This is a new territory, and I don’t like it.

  I couldn’t take it any longer. I found a notepad at the store with Tinker Bell on it. I began leaving her little notes that I thought would break the ice.

  “I miss you.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Please, forgive me.”

  “I miss your voice.”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “Call me.”

  Anything and everything and nothing from her.

  It doesn’t help that Preslee is becoming a constant thorn in my side. She was always trying to talk to me, popping up unwanted in places, which never fails to be somewhere Riley just happens to be around to see it—making yet another wrong assumption.

  I headed to Collin’s for a distraction. It wasn’t supposed to be a party—just us guys hanging out. But being as though my luck has been shit lately, it shouldn’t have surprised me that Preslee and Laiken walked in like they owned the place.

  Of course, Collin is happy, he will be getting laid. Dean not so much, which makes me wonder if Preslee has finally told him about the baby.

  She doesn’t seem to care at all that he is blowing her off. In fact, she is back to being the giggling chick on my side, and I wish she would just leave.me.alone.

  It’s been days, hours, and countless minutes since I have talked to Riley.

  When my phone rings and I see it’s her name, my heart leaps out of my chest. Preslee sees the name too and grabs the phone out of my hand answering it for me. I have never wanted to hit a girl. Ever. But in that moment, I wanted to throw her as far away from me as I could. She was fucking up my life.

  CHAPTER 26

  It’s crazy how things change with every breath you take. One minute you have both your parents, and the next minute one is gone and has taken the life of another. One minute you have a non-perfect relationship with a boyfriend, to not having one at all. One minute you finally get the courage to let yourself love your best friend, to then find yourself rejected. One minute you think you know everything about someone, and then you find out they have held a secret of their own from you. One minute you think it can’t get any worse, and then it does, and your world is flipped upside down.

  So much has happened since that wonderful day with Josh became one of the worst in my life. It’s just gone downhill ever since.

  The day after Josh rejected me and chose Preslee, I was a mass of confusion, and the shocking realization set in—humiliating me.

  “Tatum, have you seen my keys? I can’t find my keys, and I have a 10:00 appointment.” I heard my mom shouting outside my bedroom door.

  “Mmmm,” I grunted as I ever so slowly tried to open my heavy lids. My head was pounding. What was I thinking getting trashed like that? I hadn’t been thinking, and that was the goal. Gah, I tried to will my body to move. I was hurting. The room was spinning. />
  I must have been dreaming about Josh, because I swore I could smell him all over my pillows and sheets. It was a heady mix.

  I dragged myself up when my mom started banging on my door.

  “Have you seen my keys?” she asked me. Please, don’t yell.

  “No, sorry.” I told her.

  “Found em. Bye, girls. Be back later.”

  I walked into the hall and literally bumped right into Tatum mid-step and fell into the wall. “Oh, sorry.” I grumbled, and she stepped back to help me.

  “You ok? Oh wow, Riley. You look like hell. Forget your p.j.’s?” she giggled a little. “What time did you get home? I didn’t hear you come in.” she asked me and then sniffed me before I could even answer. “Ewww, you stink. Did Emily not roll the window down in the car or something” she scrunches her nose.

  “Oh God, stop talking. Please. “My head is killing me. I don’t know the answer to any of that, sorry.” I said.

  I sidestepped her to get in the bathroom. She just shook her head at me “Ok. Well, whatever...” and walks into her room.

  I used the bathroom and hopped in the shower, praying my head would quit throbbing. I let the warm water trickle all over me. I washed my hair and then washed it a second time for good measure. I knew it smelled like smoke. I leaned against the wall and tried to sort out my head.

  I couldn’t remember how I got home, but I felt as though Josh had taken me. I hoped Emily made it home okay. “Oh God, Emily?” I shouted to no one. I’d kissed Emily, not just kissed, like I full on made out with her. Oh no!

  Josh saw me kiss Emily. Oh and he was mad. I yelled at him. I yelled at Emily. Why would I do that? I think I even kissed that card table guy. What the hell was his name? Lucas, yes Lucas. Who was he anyway? Oh goodness, I kissed Lucas. And Josh saw that too.

  My head was spinning, and I felt beyond nauseous right then. I let the water pour over my face and tried my hardest to remember the rest.

  Josh had carried me to his truck. I’d thrown up. That is so embarrassing, I thought. But I just couldn’t remember anything else. I was definitely in his truck. I thought I said ‘sorry’ or maybe he said ‘sorry’. I’m not positive. He brought me home, though. I am certain of that now, but everything else was still a blur.

  I wrapped myself in a towel and went to brush my teeth. “Where the hell is my tooth brush?” I said out loud to no one again. I moved some things around on the counter, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.

  “That’s weird. Hey, Tater? Have you seen my toothbrush?” I shouted out the door.

  “Nope, sorry” she replied.

  Ugh! I thought. This was going to be a craptastic kinda day. I brushed my teeth with my finger and swished mouthwash until I couldn’t take the burn any longer.

  I headed back to my room to get dressed. I felt so yuck. I decided comfort was the way to go. I had no desire to get cute. So, I threw on my black, cotton shorts and a grey aero t-shirt. I quickly brushed through my tangles and pulled my hair up into a topknot. I stared at myself in the dresser mirror, and even I frightened myself by my own reflection.

  I wasn’t big on makeup, but that day I needed some. After I swept some powder and blush over my face, I leaned into the mirror to do my eyes. In the reflection, I noticed my bedside table. I didn’t know why I even glanced there, but something seemed out of place. There were two cups and, “Hey there’s my toothbrush?” I said out loud again. Apparently, that was my thing that day. Talking to myself. What’s that doing there, I wondered?

  In a matter of breaths, images flicker into my mind. I immediately turn my body around to face my bed, the table and the window. I rub my fingers along my temples and try to think. It was still fuzzy...but there.

  I was in my bed. Josh was there. Based on my toothbrush being there, I’d brushed my teeth in there, but that didn’t make sense. Why would I do that? Wait! Josh gave it to me. Another image flickered in, and I gasped. I covered my mouth with my hand and crouched down onto the floor. This was bad. Tatum had laughed at me in the hall, and she’d asked me if I forgot my p.j.’s. I wasn’t wearing them. Where were they? And it slammed into me like a punch in the gut. “Oh, oh, oh my god. I…Oh!” I pulled my knees up and rested my head on them.

  Tatum came into my room just as I remembered the most humiliating, the most devastating part of that night. “Why are you on the floor? You’re really pale, Riley. Are you okay this morning?” she asked and knelt down to feel my forehead. Why couldn’t she stick with one question? She asked one and jumped to another, and I couldn’t keep up. “I uh, I think I’m gonna be sick” I bolted for the door.

  I barely made it to the toilet when I proceeded to dry heave. I was a fucking mess. I was almost positive I had done something completely stupid. I heaved again hugging the toilet. “Oh shit, Riley,” Tatum said from behind me. “I’m ok.” I lied and face planted down onto the cool tiles of the floor.

  They felt like heaven on my cheeks, and I just wanted to stay there. I didn’t want to face what I thought was to be the truth. I’d offered myself to Josh, and he’d rejected me. He’d said some stuff and I couldn’t remember what, but I knew he’d said no. He didn’t want me. And feeling rejected hurt like a bitch.

  I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t believe I’d acted that way. That wasn’t me at all. Although, lately...I was not even sure who the real me was anymore. I wished I had someone to talk to about that stuff. I really felt like I was falling apart. I was making one bad decision after the other. Fucking it up and then fucking it up again because of the prior fuck up. Yep, that was me—FUCKED!

  I spent the rest of that day in bed listening to music and writing in my notebook the darkest of dark poetry. I bet Rebel would be so happy. However those words would probably make the fans of her band think they needed psychiatric help.

  I was thinking I did as well. I texted Emily to see if she was okay, and she was. She wanted to come over, but I told her that I was hung-over, and I would see her at school. I wasn’t ready just yet to tell her what I had done. Josh had sent me a text asking me if I was okay. Apparently, we were all worried about each other. I replied with a simple ‘yes’. He tried to call me, but I didn’t answer, and when Tatum told me he was at the front door for me, I told her to tell him I was sleeping.

  He knew I wasn’t.

  I couldn’t go there. I didn’t want to. I didn’t have it in me.

  I had been doing my best to ignore Josh, avoid him completely. An entire week went by and it was hard, really, really hard to not speak to him and act like I didn’t see him.

  We went to the same school, he lived next door and we were intertwined. It didn’t help that he left me roses, and not just any rose but my rose—a color that represented what he and I shared. Then he started leaving me little notes on Tinker Bell stationary. It was torture.

  I thought my shock would wear off, but instead, it was just buried underneath another shock to my system. A shock from yet another best friend in my life was about to shake me to the core with a truth I had no idea was coming my way.

  “I did something a looooong time ago. I never told you, Riley. I didn’t want you to hate me. And it was just a few times. I…I ...” She sobs. Emily had been crying since she came over. It was Saturday night, and she was supposed to be keeping me company, something about, ‘me becoming the walking dead’ or some shit.

  “Ooooookay,” I say slowly. “Just tell me, Em. I could never hate you. Ever” I attempt to reassure her.

  She takes a deep breath, she can’t even look me in the eye as she speaks. “Dean and I...well, we kind of had a thing freshman year. But it didn’t go anywhere. Remember? He liked you, and you and I weren’t real friends then. I didn’t care about your feelings like I do now. You never really seemed to like him. You kept pushing him away.”

  She clears her throat, “I was so jealous of you when he asked you to the freshman dance and not me. I started watching you, and you were always watching Josh. I knew then that you didn’t re
ally like Dean. He just seemed oblivious, but I saw it.” She said every word super-fast. It was hard to keep up. It was like she had to hurry and say it before she changed her mind, like she had been holding it in and wanted to say it ages ago.

  I go to speak to clarify. Well, not even to clarify, because she was spot on about my feelings for Josh and lack thereof for Dean.

  She holds up her hand to stop me. “I need to finish. You need to know the truth, even if you never speak to me again.” She frowns, and I have a sudden realization that whatever she is going to say is going to change our friendship, otherwise she wouldn’t have warned me like that. I nod for her to continue and find myself holding my breath. I don’t want to lose her too. I can’t.

  She swallows and puffs out a breath, “Sophomore year came around, and his crush on you only escalated. And well, mine on him did as well. I was surprised when the year began that y’all weren’t together. Dean said you wouldn’t make it official and…Just know…I never thought in a million years that you and I would end up being best friends, Riley. We did, though. Had I known you would end up meaning so much to me, I never would have…I never would’ve—,”

  “Never would’ve what, Em? Just fucking, tell me! Rip the Band-Aid off. Do it!” I yell, growing exasperated. I had no patience for this shit anymore.

  “I slept with him. I was Dean’s first, he was mine. We hooked up several times sophomore year, but it didn’t matter. I thought if I gave him something you weren’t that he would choose me, but he didn’t. He still kept pursuing you, and basically used me and tossed me aside.”