Atonement (Love Undercover Book 3)

by LK Shaw

  “Hell. What could be worse?”

  “I haven’t been sleeping much. Too many dreams. Some are about her. About that night.” Shame settled deep in my gut. Just admitting to the next made me feel weak. Yesterday Landon had called me strong. She didn’t know the truth. I wasn’t strong. Not even close. “Most of all, I dream about getting high.”

  “Oh, fuck,” Victor whispered.

  My gaze met his worried one. “Yeah, fuck. I haven’t had that particular dream since my last relapse. That’s always how it used to go down though. I’d go to sleep and dream about being high. Soon after that, I’d make the dream a reality. I refuse to let that happen again. Not this time.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  That’s what I kept asking myself. My life was different now. I had my brother back. I had Ines, Victor, and the rest of their family. I had a job I loved. And then there was Landon. I didn’t have her, but fuck if I didn’t want to. None of that answered the question.

  “I don’t really know.”

  “What about your sponsor? Or your NA meetings?”

  “I’ve been going to them more frequently. My sponsor hasn’t really been available, although it’s not her fault. She’s been having a lot of serious health issues. I’ve called a couple of the people she’s recommended, but I just haven’t been able to develop a relationship with them. Which is why I’m talking to you.”

  Victor paced, running his hands through his hair.

  “Look, I know it’s a lot. But…I don’t really have any other friends besides you and my brother. He’ll only worry if I tell him about the dream.”

  “Should I be worried?”

  “No,” I said confidently, despite the fact that he probably should be. But adding Victor’s worries on top of my own would only make things worse. “I’ll be okay. Just knowing I have my brother, Ines, and you are enough.”

  I glanced down at my cold burger, my appetite gone entirely.

  “Well, I’m always here for you. No matter what.” Victor smiled, though it wasn’t his normal one. “I’ll even arrest you if you ask me to.”

  He was trying to cheer me up, but man, I really hope it didn’t come to that. “Thanks for the advice. And for listening. I’m not really hungry anymore.”

  I headed back out to the living room to get my coat. “See you at four, then?”

  Victor nodded. “I’ll be there.”

  “Sorry I’m late.”

  I looked up to see Landon step through the office door. She glanced briefly in my direction before quickly darted her gaze toward Brody. It was quarter after four, and I’d assumed she wasn’t coming. Especially after how we’d left things yesterday. Or, rather, how I’d left things.

  “You’re fine. We were just getting started,” Brody said. “We saved you a seat.”

  She took the chair opposite his desk. My eyes stayed locked on her, but she continued not meeting my stare.

  “I’m still trying to figure out why I’m here,” Victor spoke up.

  “You and your brother are the only two who actually have jurisdiction to arrest these guys if it happens to come to that.”

  “So how are we supposed to plan if we don’t even know where the exchange is taking place? There are logistics we need to figure out. Things like where we’re going to be stationed for optimal visual. Manuel should be here too. He’s the one in charge of wiring people.”

  Brody coughed. “There won’t be any wires.”

  Landon’s head whipped in my direction. “What do you mean there won’t be a wire?”

  “Exactly that. All we’re there to do is confirm whether or not Felipe is selling Rapture. You put a wire on me, I’m a dead man.”

  “But what if something happens? We can’t be prepared if we can’t hear what’s going on.”

  “Like I told my brother, I’m willing to take that risk. Besides, I trust you to have my back.”

  I trusted all of them, but Landon needed to know she was the one I was talking to.

  “We need to come up with multiple plans.” Brody spoke. “We don’t know how these guys deal. Are we going to be in some back alley behind Club Delight, or will they have Preston come to a drug house?”

  Pablo spoke up. “If we’re lucky, it’ll be somewhere near the club. All the arrests we’ve made that involve Rapture have been close by. Although none of them have involved this Felipe and Cruz, I’m going to bet that while they’re in the club, they pass the drug off to someone that works for them. That person is the one that makes the exchange.”

  “If that’s the case, then this isn’t going to work. We have to make it happen with Felipe and Cruz. Otherwise, there’s no point.” I shake my head.

  “That’s going to be something you’ll have to negotiate with them when they call.”

  “I plan on it.”

  “Here’s the trickier part. If they send you to a drug house we can’t follow you or station ourselves in the area. That option is a lot more dangerous.”

  “This is all insane.” Landon rose and stared down at Brody. “You’re seriously going to let your brother go into a drug deal with no wire and just us as backup?”

  “I trust him to know what he’s doing.”

  Her eyes latched onto mine. “I don’t think I can be a part of this.”

  She spun and disappeared out the office door. Brody started to rise, but I waved him down. “Let me talk to her.”

  He gave me a look I couldn’t interpret but settled back down.

  “You guys work out the logistics of where the most logical places the exchange might take place near the club, okay?”

  “Will do,” Victor called out. I was already halfway out the door.

  I rushed down the hallway, trying to catch her before she got away. I spotted her at the elevator. “Landon, stop.”

  She whirled on me. “No, you stop. Do you have any idea what the hell you’re doing? You’re going to a drug deal with no wire and no protection. Of all the stupid and—”

  I smothered the rest of her words with my mouth. My hands palmed her cheeks, afraid she’d pull away. With a sigh, she wound her arms around my waist and clutched me tightly to her as our tongues battled for control. Then she jerked her mouth from mine and stared up at me as we both tried to catch our breath. I brushed the hair out of her eyes. The light behind her cast a halo around her head, giving her the appearance of an angel. If she was an angel, then I was the devil.

  “You have to trust me to know what I’m doing. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this sort of thing, you know.” I smiled sarcastically. “I’ve been buying drugs for over a decade.”

  She punched me in the arm. “It’s not funny.”

  My smile disappeared. “I’m not trying to be. I’m glad you’re worried about me.”

  There was a cough behind us, and I spun around, both of us dropping our hands to our sides.

  “Just came out here to check on the two of you.” Victor stood there with a huge smile on his face. “Looks like you were doing just fine.”

  I chuckled, and Landon smacked my arm again. “Tell Brody we’re on our way.”

  “You got it, my friend.”

  Victor disappeared down the hallway, and I turned back to Landon who stood there with her arms crossed.

  “He didn’t seem too surprised to see you kissing me.”

  I mimicked her pose. “I’m pretty sure you were the one doing the kissing. And no, he wasn’t surprised.”

  “So, he knows about us?”

  “I thought there wasn’t an us.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “To answer your question, yes, he knows.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  I let out a sigh and lowered my arms. “I told him we met a couple years ago and hadn’t seen each other since then. What should I have told him?”

  Landon’s whole body seemed to collapse in exhaustion. She backed away a few steps. “I don’t know.”

  We needed to get back in
the office before Brody came out to check on us next. “Come on. Let’s go back inside and figure out our plan. We’ll worry about other things later.”

  She met my gaze. “Fine.”

  I led her back to the office where everyone waited. Two sets of eyes studied us. I didn’t meet Victor’s knowing stare.

  “You guys okay?” Brody asked.

  It took me a second to understand his question. “Yeah, we’re fine. Talked things out.”

  Victor coughed.

  “I’m reluctantly on board with the plan,” Landon acknowledged.

  “Great. Now that we have that settled, here’s what Pablo and I came up with so far.”

  An hour later we had several contingency plans in place. The only thing left to do was wait for the call from Cruz. He should have called by now. Which was making me a little nervous.

  Brody spoke up. “I know this might seem like overkill for such a simple deal, but I’d rather not take any chances. All Preston has to do is get in, get the confirmation we need, and get out. We’re not there to make an arrest. Not yet anyway. Not unless we absolutely have to. It’s information only. Then Preston and I plan on doing surveillance. See if we can’t find their supplier.”

  “We appreciate everyone’s help on this,” I added.

  “No problem. You guys are family now. We’ll always have your back.” Victor clasped my hand and pulled me in for a chest bump.

  Pablo shook my hand. Then the two brothers left, with Landon right behind them after she said a quick goodbye. My eyes lingered on her until she was out of sight. I turned back to find Brody staring at me.

  “What?” I ignored his speculative glare and sat down at my desk to pull out a file from my drawer.

  “I feel like something’s going on, but I can’t figure out what it is.”

  This wasn’t good. Brody loved puzzles. If there was something he couldn’t figure out, then he didn’t let it go until he did. Which meant I needed to solve it for him.

  “I was admiring the view. I can’t help it that Landon’s hot.” I shrugged. “Is she single?”

  My brother’s expression quickly shifted to horrified. “No fucking way. She could be the last woman on this earth, and there’s no way anything would happen between you two.”

  I tried my best to look offended, although it didn’t take much. “Why not? We’re about the same age. I have a good-paying job. I shower every day. I’m a decent looking guy. I’m quite the catch if you ask me.”

  “No one asked you. I don’t even want to picture the two of you together.” Brody shuddered.

  “You should see your face. Don’t worry, just because I think she’s hot doesn’t mean I have any interest in her beyond that. God, could you imagine? A D.E.A. agent and a recovering heroin addict. I’m sure that would go over well.” I laughed, but the image wouldn’t leave my head.

  Brody chuckled and went back to his computer. “Jesus. That would be a disaster.”

  I smothered my laughter into a strained smile and opened the file I still held in my hand. I stared at the information inside, but not seeing any of it. I kept hearing my brother’s words over and over.

  Chapter 15

  It had been hours since I’d left Preston and Brody’s office, and I could still almost feel the imprint of his lips on mine. He tasted exactly the same as he had two years ago. His unique flavor continued to linger in my mouth. I stroked Sherbert’s back, lost in the memories of that night and all the lonely nights since then.

  Coward.

  Coward.

  Preston’s accusation kept ringing in my ear. It hadn’t stopped since yesterday. I wiped away a stupid stray tear.

  For nineteen years I hadn’t shed a single one. Until that night with Preston. Ever since then, I shed them far too often, as though making up for lost time. I hated them. They made me feel weak. God, he was right. I was such a coward. I couldn’t think of that right now. I also didn’t need to think about all the things that could go wrong with this stupid drug deal he’d set up. Whoever was behind this drug was dangerous. Especially considering how much money they would lose if they were caught. Millions and millions of dollars.

  I could still feel Preston’s penetrating gaze when he said he trusted me. He’d been addressing all of us, but he’d been looking straight at me. Telling me, personally, that it was me he trusted. Why though? I hadn’t given him a single reason to.

  I refused to let him down.

  The doorbell ringing startled me. I glanced at the clock. Only one person would show up at my house this late. My heart started racing. Setting down the bottle of beer I’d been nursing, I lifted Sherbert off my lap, planted him on the couch, and rose. I took several deep breaths before finally letting him in. My eyes looked him over from head to toe, and then I stepped back so he could enter. Deja vu swept over me as Preston toed off his shoes and hung his coat on the doorknob of the coat closet. I closed the front door and pressed myself against it, while he wandered into the living room to once again pick up Sherbert, who let him.

  “I wondered if you would stop by after that kiss.”

  He turned at my words. “I wondered if you’d let me through the door.”

  Of course I was going to. “You were right. I am a coward.”

  Even in the dim light, I could see the hue of his cheeks darken and shame flash across his face.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”

  “No.” I stepped toward him. “No. You were absolutely right. I have been running from you. Ever since that morning. I haven’t stopped.”

  “Why?” he asked for at least the hundredth time. That had always been the one thing he’d wanted to know. I couldn’t give him the entire answer he was asking for, but I could at least give him part of it.

  “Sit.” I gestured to the couch. “Please.”

  Preston set Sherbert on the floor and took a seat. I followed behind, still keeping a short distance between us. I tried to gather my thoughts.

  “I love snow. Always have. When I was little, I actually wanted to live inside a snow globe.” I snorted at how ridiculous that sounded. “It seemed like the most beautiful place to be with all that snow floating around, all glittery and sparkly and magical. That’s what that night was. Like I was in my own personal snow globe. But come morning, once I was awake, all that snow had settled, and it wasn’t that pretty, sparkly, magical place where everything was perfect. Real life intruded. Real life is ugly. Harsh. Brutal.”

  “I don’t agree with you.”

  My head swiveled, and I met Preston’s eyes.

  “Real life isn’t always ugly. It can also be beautiful. I don’t think you have to live inside some snow globe to experience magic. You can find it anywhere, even the real world, if you only look hard enough.”

  He scooted closer to me, and my breath caught in my chest. His hand palmed the back of my neck. “Take right now, for instance. I’m looking at you, and I see all things beautiful and magical.”

  Was that really how he saw me? I looked in the mirror and saw pain. Loneliness. Sometimes death. It was hard to see beauty in any of those things.

  “Let me show you what I see when I look at you.” Preston brushed a kiss across my cheek. “Kindness.” Another kiss across my forehead. “Intelligence.” Yet another one on the tip of my nose. “Stubbornness.” My eyelids drifted shut, and there was a soft touch over each one. “Loyalty.”

  His breath hovered over my lips, and I had to hold myself back from leaning forward to touch mine to his. I waited for the feel of his mouth, but it didn’t come. My eyes shot open and met his gaze. Then he ever so slowly lowered his head that final inch. “Courage.”

  Preston pulled back, but his face had become a blur. His thumb brushed across my cheek smearing wetness across it.

  “I see you, Landon.”

  I wanted to be all those things he saw. To deserve to be all those things. Especially courageous. I wanted that more than anything.

  With a
racing heart, I rose from the couch to stare down at this man who saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself.

  I held out a hand that trembled. His sparkling eyes stared up at me and then, with an aching slowness, he laid his warm fingers against mine and stood. My eyes followed the movement until I was staring up at him. He was so close, the heat of his body seeped into mine and his scent surrounded us. I raised our hands and pressed his palm to my cheek. A spark ignited against my lips and traveled through me until it landed straight in my core. I turned my head to press a kiss to his skin.

  Two years ago, I'd needed Preston to take my pain away. Tonight, I just needed him. Only this time, I didn’t ask.

  “Come to my room.”

  His eyes heated and his nostrils flared. Still holding his hand, I pivoted and pulled him along behind me, leading him down the hall and into my bedroom. To my surprise, he turned the light switch on.

  "I want to see it all this time."

  A tremor skittered across my skin. No shadows to hide behind. He could look into my eyes and see all my emotion, because there was no way I was going to be able to lock them away. If his intent was to make me feel even more vulnerable than I already did, he’d succeeded. I wasn't backing away from his challenge, whether intentional or not. I wouldn’t always compare being together with that first night... did that mean there was going to be a next time? I shook off the thought.

  The last time, he'd allowed me privacy, and I’d quickly disrobed and scurried under the covers like a scared mouse. Not tonight. Taking two steps back, trying to draw on the courage Preston seemed to think I possessed, I tugged my shirt up and over my head. His gaze dropped to my chest before quickly returning to meet my eyes. A slow half-smile appeared on his face. Boldly, I reached behind and unhooked my bra before pulling the straps down and discarding it to lie on the floor on top of my shirt. If I thought the heat in his eyes had been bright before, nothing compared to the firestorm that shone from them.

  A rush of power I didn't know I possessed surged through me that I could affect him that much. It was a heady feeling. My pants and underwear followed until I stood completely naked. My nipples were hard and my breasts actually ached, whether from the cold or from a fierce need to have the touch of his strong fingers on them. I closed the distance between us and without hesitation I rose on tiptoe, my hands splayed against his chest for balance, to press my lips to his. His sharp inhalation gave me the opening I wanted to dart my tongue in for a taste. I flicked it against his, teasing, chasing, drawing him into the game. He answered my challenge.