Fabulous in Tights

by Hal Bodner

  She looked so damned smug that I wanted to hit something. But there was nothing in the kitchen that could be pulverized without risking questions from Peter about how it got that way. Frustrated, and even though it was kind of girly, the only thing I could think of to release my anger was to stamp my foot. So, I did.

  Gretchen made a pouty-face and stamped back. It pissed me off even more, so I stamped again. Travis stamped his foot and then Gretchen stamped two times. In spite of myself, I felt a grin blooming. Gretchen followed with a staccato of stamping, and then a war whoop, and finally launched into a full-fledged, very politically incorrect, parody of a Native American rain dance.

  I couldn’t help myself, I started to laugh. It didn’t matter that I might have just signed my own death warrant. The idea of Gretchen as Pocahontas was too, too funny. If Gretchen were to try to sing about the wind’s colors, all the little forest animals for miles around would cower in their dens, with their little paws clamped to their ears to block the sound.

  “Now that we have that settled,” Travis chortled, “how do we find Thanatos’ lair? Or do we sit here and wait for him to show up again?”

  “I may not know much about anything important--” I started to say once I got my breath back.

  “That’s for sure.”

  “But I have instincts. And my instincts tell me that Thanatos is gonna come looking for me.”

  “How sure of that are these…instincts?” Gretchen wanted to know.

  “I doubt there’s much anyone could do to stop him.”

  They stood silently, waiting for me to explain. Enjoying having the upper hand for once, I waited for them while they waited. Eventually, all that waiting became too much for Gretchen and she cracked.

  “Dammit, Alec. Spill, will you?”

  “I speak from experience. I used to hustle, remember?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  It was my turn to look smug.

  “That boy is just dying to get into my pants! Wild horses couldn’t keep him away.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Normally, I would have raised hell about all the extra hours Peter was working. Between Thanatos’ threats, the aftermath of the explosion at the Special Projects building, and Jackson Greene’s health issues, my husband had his hands full. For once, I didn’t mind. It was safer if Peter kept himself busy.

  By day, I dealt with client problems and with Randy’s moods. But as soon as twilight fell, the Whirlwind hit the streets, or the rooftops, to be more accurate. Down on the ground, the police were out in full force, even though Gretchen had agreed that it was unlikely they’d find Thanatos until he was good and ready to be found. In the meantime, I hoped that by making myself as visible as I could, I could lure him into showing himself.

  It was impossible not to be flattered that a guy as hot as Thanatos was interested in me, even if he was a criminal. I confess that I was looking forward to our next meeting as well. I tried to alleviate my guilt by telling myself that it was only because I wanted to thwart his evil plan, but I wasn’t fooling anyone. I knew that my attraction to Thanatos wasn’t any worse of an infidelity to Peter than my casually cruising a hot stranger at the gym. So long as nothing happened, technically, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Yet I felt very much like I had done something wrong. The sheer power of the animal lust I felt for the guy terrified me. I kept praying that our second meeting would prove the chemistry between us to be a fluke. At the same time, there was a not-so-silent part of me that was hoping it wasn’t.

  Maybe I was just in denial.

  Crouched atop of the Centerport Courier Building, bored, and with the threat of rain in the air, I allowed my fantasies to get the better of me. What would Thanatos look like, I wondered, if he shed the costume and stood before me in all his naked, evil splendor? Would his chest be hairy or smooth? Would he have a tan line? Was the codpiece justified? Or was it wishful thinking on his part?

  In spite of my wedding vows, I was understandably curious.

  It wasn’t that I wanted to have mind-blowing sex with the guy. I didn’t. Okay, so maybe I did. But I had enough self-control not to. Still, even if I had no intention of following through, the desire to see him nude was making me crazy. From experience, I knew that being captured by a supervillain was not entirely out of the question; it had happened before. What if I found myself bound in chains while Thanatos loomed over my helpless body, all black leather and studly muscle? Could I rely on my hormones not to betray my better judgment?

  “We’ve got problems.”

  Travis’ voice boomed out of nowhere. Ever since he installed a headset in my mask, I’d been trying to ignore it. It was uncomfortable, like ear buds that don’t quite fit, but never actually fall out. He claimed I’d get used to the sensation. So far, I hadn’t. It was easy enough to forget about when we weren’t using it. But the sound of a disembodied voice blaring in my ear without any warning was enough to startle me until I realized what it was. I spun around looking for the intruder, tripped over the cape, slid down the roof, and only stopped myself by slamming into the parapet just before I plummeted into Lincoln Avenue.

  “Jesus, kiddo. You got a mouth on you. You sure as heck didn’t learn that kinda language from me.”

  “Sorry, Trav. You caught me off guard and I had a little…incident.”

  “We got some little incidents here too. I just heard on the police band that they admitted a couple of Gretchen’s people to Polk Medical Center. I only managed to get in a few words with her before she had to run. My sources tell me it’s severe malnutrition.”

  “Shit.”

  “At least your language is improving. The good news…”

  “Dammit!”

  I’d cupped my ear to hear better, and the damned microphone came off in my hand. I held it up to my lips. “Could you repeat that?”

  “It turns out that one of the Greene Genes botanists assigned to a completely different project was growing some of the tainted veggies on the sly. Seems she wanted a transfer onto Brad Harmon’s team. Seeing as Brad’s staff is all in a billion pieces, she’s lucky she stayed where she is. Her crop isn’t very big but there’s enough mature produce to keep the victims alive until Greene Genes can synthesize the antidote. They’re also continuing with Brad’s work to try and develop yet another virus to try and halt the spread of Three-Two-Three in case Thanatos goes ahead and releases it. I tell you…” From his tone, I knew he was frowning and shaking his head. “…Damn that Jackson Greene and all his damned viruses. At his age, you’d think he’d know better than to mess around with stuff like that. Oh, his intentions were always good, I’ve no doubt about that. I just wish he would have taken a step back and thought about how one little mistake could turn the whole human race into a bunch of mutated monkeys.”

  “You got any ideas to help out?”

  “I’m attacking it from the nanoprobe angle. That’s right up my alley. If they find a cure, I’ll make sure the delivery system…uh…shows up on their computer systems. But they’re working from Brad’s old notes and experiments. His more recent materials were destroyed. So, it’ll take time.”

  “How many people got infected? Mother humper!”

  “What’s got your titties in an uproar?”

  “It’s this damned microphone. It keeps falling off. And why is there no volume control?”

  “Would you listen if I whispered? I don’t think so. Shouting is the only way to get your atten–”

  “Hang on.” I squinted against a light mist that had slowly crept over the roof. “I see something weird over by the Fillmore bridge. I’m gonna check it out.”

  “Keep me posted.”

  “Fat chance,” I said. “I’m leaving this stupid headset on top of the Courier Building.”

  “Alec…”

  “Don’t you ‘Alec’ me. I’m done with this thing.”

  Before he could protest any further, I dropped the mechanism onto the roof, stepped on it, and savored the sound o
f plastic cracking. When I was satisfied that it was beyond even Travis’ ability to repair, I headed toward the bridge. As I got closer, I saw a plume of turquoise smoke streaming from the top of one of the pylons. In spite of myself, I was touched by his thoughtfulness in using my personal color. Thanatos might be evil, but maybe he was also kind of sweet.

  The Fillmore is one of those old-fashioned suspension bridges, with cables all over the place, so it was an easy climb up the pylon. When I got to the top, he was waiting for me. The devil mobile was nowhere to be seen, which was odd, because it must have taken him a few trips to lug all that stuff up there by hand. The top of the pylon was a flat area of about nine yards square. In the center, he’d spread a red-checked tablecloth to better display a huge picnic basket, chock full of goodies. Thanatos himself held a champagne flute in one hand, and a classy looking bottle in the other.

  “Care to join me, Whirlwind?” He toasted me and took a sip. “It’s not as sunny as I would like for a picnic. But still…”

  “Sorry. I don’t drink on the job. Besides, I know what you do to food. I think I’ll stick to salads and protein shakes. Not that I don’t appreciate the thought.”

  “Pity.” He took a second sip. “I can’t share this particular bottle, of course. But there’s another of the same vintage in the basket if you change your mind.”

  He sighed with what I thought might be true regret. There was something a little…off about him. He was just as attractive but I didn’t feel that libidinous pull I’d fought against when we first met on top of the water tower. Had his body not flickered, I might never have figured out why.

  “Hologram.” I couldn’t keep the admiration from my voice.

  “Aww, you noticed.”

  He pouted, and his lips under the cowl were plump and a little moist from the wine. Very…kissable.

  “Where’s the projector?”

  He wagged one finger at me. “A boy shouldn’t reveal all of his secrets on a first date.”

  “Second.”

  “The first time was more of a Meet and Greet, wouldn’t you say? But if you like…”

  He smiled and even though he wasn’t really there, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  “…we can call this the second date. And you know what they say happens on third dates, right?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Second base.”

  He grinned and, in spite of myself, I grinned back. But I quickly got control of myself before things could get out of hand, not that I could do anything with a hologram anyway, and got back to business.

  “Look, Thanatos. I’m not a cop. My job description doesn’t demand that I bring you to justice, or make you pay your debt to society, or any of that crap. I’m strictly unofficial.” He seemed to be listening so, emboldened, I continued, “My only concern is with protecting innocent people. Believe me, you have no idea what a pain in the ass that can be sometimes. So, I’m asking you…how about cutting me a little break? What do we say you just take a hike and give up all this extortion nonsense?”

  I saw his fingers tighten on the champagne glass.

  “I’m not going to try and convince you that’ll be an easy choice for you to make. For one thing, there are already a bunch of cops in the hospital. Chief Thatcher is going to ream me a new one for not bringing her your head on a platter. That’s not your concern; I’ll find a way to deal with it. You strike me as a smart guy. If you forget about the money and go on your merry way, Captain Dirigible’ll show up eventually, or the Aphid, and Gretchen will forget all about you. As for the Whirlwind,” I shrugged. “I’m done. Once the threat is gone, you won’t be my business any more. I won’t give you another thought.”

  “Somehow, I doubt that,” he said softly.

  Suddenly my costume was way too tight in certain places. Again.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I admitted, just as quietly. “Maybe someday we’ll pass on the street, or we’ll be sitting at opposite ends of a bar, or waiting for the same bus. I won’t be in turquoise and you’ll have ditched the leather. We won’t even know each other. But then…”

  “Our eyes will meet.”

  I nodded, my throat dry. “We’ll smile.”

  “We’ll want each other…”

  “Sometimes,” I said with not a little melancholia, “you have to be content with just the wanting.”

  “Ah,” he said. “I see.”

  The wind picked up a little. Up so high, it can get pretty chilly. I suppose that was what made me shiver.

  “You already have someone.”

  There was sadness in his voice and…something else. I knew what it was.

  “So do you,” I said.

  After a pause, he nodded once, very slowly.

  “All this flirting and chemistry aside,” I told him, “I think we both know neither of us is going to risk losing that. No matter how…um…”

  “Powerful.”

  “Yeah. No matter how powerful this thing is between us.”

  He thought it over. For a moment, I fooled myself into thinking I’d convinced him. But when he reached his decision, I already knew what it would be. It both disappointed and saddened me.

  “If you knew why I need to do this, perhaps you’d understand. You would still try to stop me but you might consider forgiving me. As things are, though, I hope you know how reluctant I am to get rid of you.”

  “You can try.” I tightened my muscles in preparation for something nasty.

  “I’ve studied you. You’re strong, fast, and able to take a lot of damage. But I’m fairly sure you’re still human. Of course, everyone knows you feel pain.”

  I did not like where the conversation was headed.

  “What do you mean ‘everyone’ knows I feel pain?”

  He chuckled. “I don’t think you realize how vocal you can be. Especially when you’re not aware there’s a news crew around.”

  My cheeks got very warm.

  “I’m truly sorry,” he said. “I need you out of the way. At least until I get my money. If it makes any difference, I really hope this doesn’t kill you because…well…I’d feel very bad about that.”

  He set the champagne bottle down outside of the projector range. His hand vanished and, when it reappeared, he was holding a small box that was featureless except for a single button. Somewhat reluctantly I thought, he jabbed it with his forefinger.

  Pain.

  Excruciating pain.

  Every muscle in my body contracted spasmodically and my nerves felt like they’d been replaced with molten wires. My back arched with agony, and my teeth slammed together so hard that I was convinced I’d be spitting enamel for a week.

  “I would have preferred to share a picnic lunch with you. In the end, the blanket served its purpose. The grid’s hidden underneath.”

  I was fighting to keep my spine from bursting out of the top of my head, and praying my testicles wouldn’t simply explode. His words registered, dimly, but enough for me to understand that I needed to get off that damned picnic blanket. For some reason, I could not move an inch. My brain was fuzzy with the pain, and so it took me longer than it should have to realize why I was frozen in place. The sexy bastard was electrocuting me!

  If I got out of this alive, I was going to have some serious words with Travis about altering my costume so it was a poor conductor. For now, though, I could see flickers of static shooting between my fingers and up my arms, tiny lightning bolts that danced across the surface of my skin. I looked like a turquoise version of the contraption that Dr. Frankenstein used to bring the Monster to life.

  “Later, stud.”

  With that, the image vanished. The current, however, did not. It got worse. My muscles continued to spasm. My neurons kept misfiring. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the clouds chose that moment to break open. The rain poured down and reminded me that it is generally not a good idea to mix water with electricity. Nature drove home her point with a light show of sparks, fizzles, and so
me more miniature lightning bolts, all of which came out of my body! I tried to lift my feet, and managed to kick the picnic basket instead. It soared over the edge of the platform and dropped toward the river. I couldn’t even shuffle off the grid, the current held me too firmly in place.

  Then, I got lucky.

  Sort of.

  Something blew up.

  Later, I’d find out that the rain overwhelmed the grid and shorted the generator that Thanatos had stashed at the base of the pylon. In the moment though, all I knew was that a final jolt of electricity zapped me with enough juice to hurl me completely off the bridge. I barely had time to register that the pain was gone before I spied the picnic basket below me. It hit the river and burst asunder. Bits of the wreckage floated down the river. Unfortunately, since I was not made of wicker, presumably I was about to share the fate of the champagne bottle, which had either sunk straight to the bottom or was smashed to smithereens on impact.

  Another swan dive was out of the question. Even if I’d thought of it in time, my nerves and muscles were still all a-jangle and refused to obey me. It probably wouldn’t have helped much. The Fillmore is a pretty high bridge.

  I plummeted down, with no way to stop myself, and with the water rushing toward me. I imagined that the impact was going to feel like slamming into a concrete parking lot.

  I was wrong.

  It felt like slamming into three concrete parking lots.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I vaguely remember thinking that a herd of buffalo were using my body as a trampoline. By the time my water-logged body surfaced, spewing filthy river water like a fountain, they’d all swum back to the prairie.

  Someone spotted me floating down the river like the wreckage of a turquoise Titanic, and called 9-1-1. By the time Gretchen found out about it, I was halfway to the Polk Medical Center. In a purple panic, she called Travis. Somehow, he managed to intercept the ambulance, get me out of it, and spirit me back to Ale Mary’s. I have a dim recollection of Travis carrying me up the stairs to my apartment above the bar, but my clearest memory of those few hours is wondering when my muscles decided to play a drunken game of Twister. I also seem to recall that Gretchen helped him strip me out of the costume and get me into bed.