Committed (Collided Book 3)

by Portia Moore

  “I know sorry doesn’t mean anything, Alex…” Jackson is pleading now.

  “Get. Out.” Alex’s face is flushed red with anger, his eyes hard and furious, and Jackson finally backs down.

  “Alright,” he says, clearly defeated. “I’ll talk to you later, Son. This isn’t finished. We need to work this out…we’re family.”

  Alex doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t say a word, doesn’t acknowledge that Jackson spoke. He just watches Jackson walk out, his anger freezing back over into coldness as he turns to face me again.

  “Alex, I know you’re angry.” Alyssa tries to say, clearly gathering her courage. “Yelling and throwing things isn’t going to solve anything…”

  “I need to talk to Madison alone,” Alex says flatly, not even looking at her. “Now.”

  Alyssa doesn’t argue. She gives me a sad look, her eyes worried as she glances between her brother and me, but she slinks out of the kitchen, heading towards the hallway and her room.

  I tremble, terrified of being alone with Alex in this state. I have no idea what he’s going to say or do, and I don’t know how to reason with him. I feel like he’s beyond reason, beyond listening, but I have to try.

  “Man and I thought my family was fucked up before.” Alex laughs, reaching for the chair that he knocked over and righting it. He sits down with his drink, shaking his head. “You can’t make this shit up.” He cackles and sets his drink on the table. “So go ahead and talk. Explain. Wow me! What’s your reason for keeping all of this from me?”

  I’m shaking. I can’t find words or think of where to start, what will get him listening enough to hear me out. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I’m speechless.

  “Sit down,” Alex says, pulling out the chair next to him. “In fact, I’ll make you a drink, too.” He gets up and pours tequila and sour mix into a glass as I watch, stirring it and then setting it down on the table. I try to stay calm, to keep my hands from trembling, but it feels impossible.

  “Sit the fuck down,” he growls, his voice hard, and I drop into the chair next to him. He’s so close I could reach out and touch him, but I’m not stupid enough to do that. “Drink,” he says, and I want to, just to please him, to do something to alleviate the tension. But of course I can’t—not tequila, not now.

  His face hardens, and with one swift motion, he knocks the drink off of the table, sending it flying across the room to shatter on the floor in a sticky puddle. I try to stop myself, but I can’t. I burst into terrified sobs, tears streaking down my face as my shoulders shake. I don’t know what to do, how to make this stop. I want it to stop. I want everything to go back to the way it was before. Oh God, what do I do?

  “No,” he says coldly. “No, you don’t get to cry. You need to fucking talk now, and tell me how you could fucking do it, how you could be with me, knowing what you did. You need to fucking explain that shit to me.”

  “Please,” I manage between sobs, looking up at him through wet lashes and tear-swollen eyes. “Please, you have to forgive me, Alex. Jackson and I…it was over a long time before you and I started dating, before I even ran into you here in New York. I’d never cheat on you. I love you so much, I swear I do! You’re my whole world, Alex, please, you have to believe me. I was trying to protect you. I would never hurt you, and I’d never be unfaithful to you. I’m so sorry…please, you have to believe me. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Stop fucking crying,” he says, slamming his glass on the table. “You don’t get to cry! You’re the one who hurt me, who lied to me, who broke my heart and destroyed my whole fucking family!” He shakes his head, leaning back in his chair. “I have to forgive you? I don’t have to fucking do anything after I just saw my sister’s whole wedding ruined while we all got to hear you moaning with my father’s dick inside you.” His jaw clenches. “No, you have two hours to get your shit and get out of my fucking house.”

  “Please, Alex.” I’m still sobbing, almost hysterical, hyperventilating. I can’t breathe.

  It’s not over, it can’t be over. I can’t lose him.

  Not over this, a stupid mistake, a stupid coincidence that I didn’t even know about until we were already together, already in love. The baby…I could tell him about the baby, but I don’t want to do it here, like this. Not like this. I was supposed to tell him while we were blissfully wrapped up in bed together, full of love and hope and happiness…

  I can’t tell him now. He’ll be cruel about it, tell me I’m lying, demand proof. He’ll say it’s Jackson’s—even though that’s not at all true—just to hurt me. And I can’t bear any more cruelty from him. Not now.

  “Please,” I whisper again. “Please, if you’d just listen…” But I can see it’s falling on deaf ears.

  “No!” Alex shouts, slamming the glass down again and standing up. “I’ve heard all I want to hear, from you or my father. How do you think I could ever look at you again without seeing that shit that I saw tonight? How do you think I could ever touch you again without thinking about…” He shudders. “It’s fucking disgusting, what both of you did. I don’t want to ever see you again. I don’t want to think about you. I want you out of my fucking life.” He grits his teeth, looking down at me with that terrifying coldness. “You. Have. Two. Hours.”

  “Alex!” I try again, trying desperately to get through to him, but at that moment, Alyssa appears in the doorway, her face pale. I know what she’s thinking—that Alex is too angry, that it could escalate. He wouldn’t ever hurt me…but in this moment I’m scared. I’ve never seen him like this. I don’t even know what he might do anymore.

  “Alex, go take a walk,” Alyssa says calmly, her voice more adult than I’ve ever heard it. “I’ll help Madison get her things so she can leave before you get back.” She looks at me sternly, her expression telling me not to argue. And I know she’s right. There’s nothing I can say to change his mind. Nothing is going to make a difference.

  When he leaves and slams the door behind him, my heart shatters into a thousand pieces all over again as I realize what kind of person I’ve made Alex into. This is all my fault.

  I’ve done this to him.

  Alex is leaving. He’s gone. The events of the last few minutes run through my mind over and over. It’s like a horror movie, a bad dream. A nightmare, and I can’t wake myself up.

  That’s what my life has become. A waking nightmare.

  I can’t stop crying. I’m hysterical, my sobs bordering on screams as I try to catch my breath, but my whole world is coming apart at the seams. Alyssa is at my shoulder, saying something, pleading with me…

  “Madison, you’ve got to pull yourself together. I-I don’t think you should be here when Alex gets back.”

  There’s got to be some way to convince him to stay, to get him to listen.

  “I’ll tell him about the baby,” I choke out. “When he comes back, I’ll tell him about the baby. That will change his mind, that will…”

  “Madison, no!” Alyssa’s voice is alarmed. “No, not now, okay? Please, wait to tell him.” She crouches down in front of me, gripping my hands. “I’ve never seen Alex like this. Not even with…not even with Holly.” She swallows hard. “I’ve never seen him lose it like this over anything. Now isn’t the time to tell him about the baby. I know you think it’ll change his mind, but I don’t think his answer will be what you want to hear. He’s not in his right mind.”

  “I’m not leaving,” I sob. “I can’t go. If I go, it’s over. I’m not going.” I know I sound like a stubborn child, but I’m beyond caring. I can’t face losing him, raising our child alone, all over a stupid mistake that spun out of control.

  Alyssa squeezes my hands harder. “Madison, you’re only going to make things worse if you stay. Alex needs some space, and you’ve got to give it to him. You cannot be stubborn about this. You have to do as he asks right now.” How surreal is this? Flaky, reckless Alyssa, is now the one giving me a lecture like I’m the child, and she’s the responsible adult. It
jolts me a little, and I look at her, my eyes swollen and filled with tears.

  “Madison, I’ll get him to talk to you again, I promise.” Alyssa stands up, running her hands through her long blonde hair. “But right now, you have to go. Okay?”

  I nod, but I still can’t make myself move. It’s like I’m glued to the seat, frozen. I can’t make my legs work. I feel numb.

  Alyssa looks at me sympathetically but takes in a breath and grabs my phone before I can stop her.

  “I need your passcode,” she says, but I can’t speak, I can’t think. I feel her grab my hand and press my thumb against it. Soon she’s talking quickly.

  “Parker? Yeah, this is Alyssa. I’m sorry I called you so late. Oh, you were still up? Good. Are you sober?” She pauses. “Because Madison is a wreck and I need help. I don’t know what to do.” Another pause. “She and Alex were in a fight. Yeah. And he’s lost his shit. Madison needs to get out of the apartment before he comes back, and she’s hysterical. I can’t get her to get her stuff together. I can’t even get her to move. Okay, yeah. See you.”

  Alyssa looks at me. “Parker is coming over,” she says tiredly. “I’m going to go start packing your things.”

  I know I should be strong and rational and get through this. I should pull myself together. But I can’t. I keep going over the weeks and months before this, berating myself, thinking of how I could have done it differently. If only I had told Alex the second I realized who Jackson was, explained everything, told him we didn’t know. If only I hadn’t gone home with Jackson after that charity dinner. If only…

  There’s so many variables, so many places where I could have fixed it, but I didn’t. I just let it spin out of control, and now everything is fucked up beyond repair.

  And every time I start to think about it again, I dissolve into helpless sobs. I’ve never been like this over anyone. I’ve never been this crushed by losing someone. Not since I was a child.

  The door to the apartment opens, and a second later, Parker is walking into the kitchen. “Madison,” she says, taking one look at me. “Honey, what’s going on?”

  I nod helplessly. “He found out…at the wedding reception,” I choke out. “Holly had a video…of Jackson and me…she showed it to everyone.”

  “And Alex saw it?” Parker frowns.

  “Yeah.” I start crying all over again.

  “Jesus. Madison, I’m so sorry.” Parker wraps her arms around me and I cry onto her shoulder, neither of us caring that the shirt she’s wearing probably cost a week’s pay for me. She just holds me for a long minute, letting me cry until I finally can’t seem to any longer.

  “Does he know yet? About the baby?”

  I shake my head. “No. And Alyssa thinks I shouldn’t tell him yet.”

  “She’s right,” Parker says. “It doesn’t sound like he’s in any state to listen to anything.” She brushes my damp hair away from my face. “He needs space and time to calm down, Madison. Just give him that. And then maybe things can be worked out. But nothing’s going to be solved tonight. And Alyssa is right, you’ve gotta go. Fighting with him again in this state because you’re still here when he comes back isn’t going to make it any better.”

  Alyssa walks into the kitchen a minute later. “I got as much stuff as I could packed into your suitcases, and I put the clothes in some bags.” She looks apologetic. “It’s not the neatest, but it’s packed up. You really don’t have a lot of stuff.”

  “Come on, honey,” Parker says. “Let’s get you out of here. This isn’t a good place for you to be right now.”

  Someday, I think as Alyssa grabs my bags and Parker helps me down the stairs, I’m going to be grateful for these two people helping me tonight. Alyssa didn’t have to, being Alex’s sister. But right now all I feel is heartbroken that I’m leaving this place, this apartment, my home. Our home. Alex’s and mine.

  Or at least it was, for a while. Now it’s just his again.

  And I have nowhere.

  I know I’m being dramatic as Parker gets me into the passenger seat of her car and Alyssa packs my things into the back and the trunk. I can always go to Parker’s, and I can go home to my mom’s. But I don’t have a home of my own anymore. And I never wanted to leave Alex.

  “Alyssa…” I say as she walks around to where I’m sitting.

  She smiles wanly at me. “I promise I’ll talk to him for you,” she says. “I’ll get him to call you. Just give it time.” She shuts the door, and I see her sympathetic expression through the tinted glass as Parker puts the car into gear and pulls out onto the highway.

  The minute we make it up to Parker’s luxurious loft, she guides me straight into the guest room and sets me down on the bed, handing me a set of soft pajama pants and a tank top. “Put these on,” she tells me firmly. “You need sleep. Things will be clearer in the morning.”

  She’s still there when I come out of the bathroom, and I slide into the soft bed. I expect her to leave then, go back to bed with her fiancé, but instead she slides into bed with me and wraps her arms around me.

  “Tonight is scary, but I’m going to stay here with you until you fall asleep, so you know you’re not alone. And then in the morning things will be better. I promise, Madison, no matter what, things are going to be okay.”

  I shake my head as I start to cry again. “They’re not,” I tell her through sobs. “He’s never going to forgive me, Parker. He’s never coming back. I ruined everything…” My whole body shakes as I cry harder.

  Parker makes soothing noises, stroking my hair, and she’s true to her word. She doesn’t leave, holding me until at last I cry myself out and can’t stay awake any longer, falling asleep away from Alex for the first time in a long time.

  ---

  I wake with a jolt the next morning, in the soft bed, my head aching, and for a minute I think it was all a horrible dream—that I’m at the resort hotel in the room with Alex, and nothing has changed. But then I open my eyes and look around, and I realize that I’m at Parker’s. I’m in her guest room, with the blue floral wallpaper. It’s all real.

  Alex knows. Everyone knows.

  It’s over.

  The memories come flooding back—the video, the eruption afterward, Jackson begging, Alex shouting at me. I cover my face with my hands, hopelessness washing over me all over again.

  The only thing that drags me out of bed is the realization that I’m starving. I don’t bother brushing my hair or my teeth, I just wander down the hall like a zombie into the kitchen to find Parker at the stove, making something that smells delicious. There’s no one else there, and I look around in confusion. “Where’s Brad?” I ask. It’s Sunday, so he can’t be at work.

  “He went and stayed with a friend last night, and is hanging out over there today. He figured we might need some girl time,” Parker says. She puts a pancake and some scrambled eggs on a plate and sets it in front of me, along with a large glass of water and some aspirin. “Here,” she says. “You’re definitely dehydrated, so drink that and then I’ll get you another one.”

  “Thanks,” I tell her, but I poke at the food, unsure of how I’m going to be able to eat. I’m starving, but once I smell the food, I’m nauseous. I wonder if I can even keep anything down. “I’ve never seen Alex the way he was last night,” I say quietly, and I see Parker stop what she’s doing at the stove and turn to face me. “I’ve never heard him yell like that, or lose his temper. He was…out of control. He looked at me the way I saw him look at Holly when she came back…” I try desperately not to start crying again. “It was like he was a whole different person.”

  “Well,” Parker says, clearly trying to sound cheerful, “we’re going to have a day of junk-food action movies, and ice cream, and virgin drinks so there’s no drunk texting—not that you can drink right now anyway—and we’re going to not focus on it. You’ve gotta think about something else, or you’re going to go crazy, so I’m going to distract you.”

  I nod sadly, but I have no ide
a how I’m going to do that. I pick at my breakfast, managing to keep it down, and when I come back out, Parker has put on an action movie and curled up on the couch. She tosses a blanket over me as I join her, and I know what she’s trying to do—replicate all those weekend days we spent hungover on the couch staring at the TV while we waited to recover.

  Except this isn’t a hangover, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to recover from it.

  But I play along anyway, as best as I can. I join in with Parker oohing and aahing over the muscled action stars and laugh at the stupid stunts and over-the-top dramatics, and drink the virgin pina coladas that she makes later that afternoon as we switch to bad reality TV shows. She orders in pizza for dinner and makes more non-alcoholic drinks, and I try to pretend like I’m not thinking about Alex and having a great time.

  In reality, though, it’s all I can think about. I keep thinking about all of our nights in, his and mine, cuddled on the couch, and how that’ll never happen again. About all of the memories that are just that now—and we’ll never make any new ones.

  Unless he forgives me. Unless I can somehow convince him to listen.

  I make it until Parker goes to order the pizza, and then I can’t stand it any longer. While she’s in the kitchen, I sneak off to the bathroom and close the door, quickly dialing Alex’s number. I just need to hear his voice, even for a second. Maybe by now he’s cooled down enough to listen to me explain…

  “I’m sorry, the number that you’ve reached has been disconnected.”

  I go cold at the robotic voice, sliding down onto the floor and clutching the phone as it repeats. He’s disconnected his number. I start crying all over again as I realize the implications of that, trying to breathe as the sobs wrack my body, and it sinks in—the cold hard truth that I didn’t want to believe.

  Alex never wants to speak to me again.

  Chapter 3