by Portia Moore
I have enough money saved for a deposit on an apartment, and a few months’ rent, but only just about enough for that. I’ve got to get prepared to live by myself, even if the thought makes my heart flinch, because it’s facing the reality that me and Alex may be over and that I’ve never lived alone before. I went from living with my family to a roommate in college to my ex—Ryan—then crashing with Mel, gallivanting around with Jackson, and then back with Melissa, to Parker, to living with Alex. And now here I am again. I lay my hand on my stomach, thinking of the baby. I can’t keep crashing with my friends or my family when things go wrong—because they can’t keep going wrong. It’s not just me that I have to worry about anymore.
And with the morning sickness—I threw up everything Parker made me for breakfast yesterday and the day before that, and everything that isn’t bland makes my stomach turn over constantly. It’s getting worse every day. I have no idea how I’d go out and work, much less hold down a full-time job with benefits. I’ve got to figure out a plan…but I feel as if I’m treading water and already at the point of exhaustion.
I wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone. I was supposed to be doing it with Alex, together, as a team. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes. There’s so many things I need to do, to think about now, that I didn’t before. My first doctor’s appointment is scheduled later next week, and when I’d made it, I’d planned to tell Alex before that so we could go together. Now I’ll be going alone. I haven’t heard anything from Alyssa in the past week, and I’m too afraid to call her now. I know that if she had good news for me, if Alex had relented at all, she’d have contacted me by now.
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grows as I realize all over again that this is real. It’s done. I’m on my own. Whatever future I’d planned for the three of us when I’d realized I was pregnant, I can’t admit that it’s over, so I pretend it’s on pause and I have to come up with a new future—one here in New York, because as I think about it I know I can’t go back to Chicago. Going back to Chicago is the final nail in the coffin, the one that means that there is truly, completely, never any chance of Alex and me fixing things. And no matter what, I’m going to see Alex again because I’m going to tell him about the baby. I’m done keeping secrets from him; I’ve seen where that got us. He’s going to want to be in his child’s life, once he knows.
Which means being in my life. Which means there’s a tiny chance that one day we can fix things. And I’m not giving up on that no matter how small it is.
I grit my teeth and get out of bed, taking a deep breath. In the meantime, starting today, I have to figure out how my life is going to go from here, just the baby and me, because I can’t keep wallowing.
I go through the motions of the morning, taking a hot shower and washing my hair, anything I can to make myself feel better.
The kitchen is still empty, so I go about trying to fix myself some breakfast. I can’t keep much down, but dry toast seems doable, and Parker has some hardboiled eggs in the fridge that we made over the weekend, once it seemed as if that was something else my stomach could tolerate. I put my bland breakfast onto a plate and borrow Parker’s laptop from where it’s charging on the island, determined to find some means of starting to bring in more income. I can’t go back to Scully Realty, that’s for sure, and I neglected my freelance work while I was there since I didn’t need it with my office paycheck coming in. Now that isn’t an option anymore, and as I sit at the island and nibble on toast, I start applying for every remote job that I see, anything that has a halfway decent salary and benefits, even if it’s not in my field. Anything that I might be qualified to do.
I’m so intent on what I’m doing that I don’t even hear Brad come in until I hear his voice call out: “Good morning, Madison.” I jump a little and swivel around, forcing a smile as he walks into the kitchen. I haven’t seen him the entire time I’ve been at Parker’s—he’s either been staying with friends or early to work and very late back home. I like Brad…but I don’t know him that well, and I’m not in the mood to make small talk with anyone.
He flushes as soon as he catches my eye, clearly aware that I must have heard their “fun” this morning. He carefully makes his way around the island, but as he glances at me again, I can see the sympathy in his expression, and I know Parker must have told him. “Looking for jobs?” he asks, his voice careful, and I just nod.
“Trying to find some freelance work.”
“I’ll let you know if the firm needs any graphic design done. Oh hey, honey.” He lights up as Parker walks into the room, and emotion wells up in my chest, both happy for my best friend that she’s found someone who loves her so much and a wave of grief for what I’ve lost. Alex used to look like that when I walked into a room.
Parker glances at me, her eyes widening as she takes in my appearance. “Oh, Madison! You look great!” I can’t help but giggle. I’m a far cry from great, but showered and dressed is a big improvement for how I’ve been looking.
“I’m trying to make a plan.”
“Oh?” Parker pours herself a cup of coffee and sits opposite me. She looks gorgeous and expensive, wearing a designer sheath dress that skims over her curves and diamond stud earrings, her hair sleek and styled. Parker is always one of the most well-dressed, stylish people I’ve ever known.
“I’m going to get a remote job here in the city, something I can do from home—or a couple of somethings—and an apartment close to where Alex is,” I say, swiveling the laptop so that Parker can see the applications I’ve been putting in. “I’ve got enough for a deposit. I just need to make sure I have some steady income.”
Parker nods, taking a sip of her coffee. “You know you can stay here as long as you want, right? We’re both happy to have you here.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. But I don’t know how I feel about being woken up every morning by the Olympics in the next bedroom,” I say jokingly, laughing so that Parker knows I’m teasing. “And once the baby comes…”
Parker laughs. “I guess that could get awkward. And I know I’m not the quietest.” She gives me a small smile. “I suppose this place is a little small for an extra person living here, not to mention a baby. But still, I’d never want you to leave if you didn’t have a place to go.” She pauses. “You know I love having you here in New York. But wouldn’t it be better for you to be near your mother and sister right now? And Chicago is so much cheaper. With a baby on the way, wouldn’t that be less stressful for you right now? I know you were only here because…” She trails off, but I know what she was about to say.
“I’m staying because of Alex,” I say firmly, swallowing hard as I look back at the laptop. “I need to be close to him.”
Parker chews on her bottom lip. “Have you talked to Alex since…”
“It doesn’t matter,” I break in. “I have to be close because of the baby. I can’t just go off to Chicago when I’m pregnant with his child.”
Parker looks at me with eyes full of pity, and I wince. “No,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Please don’t do that. It makes me feel worse and hopeless. I’ll figure it out, I promise.”
To my relief, she immediately fixes her expression, switching from pity to a warm smile. “I know you will,” she says, patting my hand. “I’ve got to go to work, but call me if you need anything, okay? I can always come home if you need me.”
“I will,” I promise her. It’s almost a relief to have the apartment empty when she and Brad both leave for work. The quiet is nice, and I focus on putting in more applications and browsing for apartments in between. Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to find anything open in my price range, and my mood starts to sink as I go through listing after listing.
My phone rings and I pick it up, answering without bothering to look at the caller ID. To my surprise, it’s Kristen on the other end.
“Hi, Madison?”
“Um…hi, Kristen. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Is everything okay with�
�Dad?” I ask, my stomach suddenly sinking as I think that something terrible might have happened.
“Oh yeah, everything’s fine. I’m off work today and want to know if you can meet for lunch?”
The request catches me off guard. I hesitate, trying to think of a polite way to decline. Kristen and I are getting along okay these days, but she’s still not my first choice to hang out with, and I’m not sure I have the energy for lunch with her.
“I worked a gig with Alex the other night and heard what happened,” she says, while I’m still thinking. “I thought you might need a friend is all.”
My heart stutters in my chest at the mention of Alex’s name. “Yes, I’d love to have lunch!” I say quickly, realizing that maybe she’ll be able to tell me something about Alex—how he is, what mood he was in. Maybe she’s talked to him since then.
I change into a slightly nicer top and put some earrings in and brush my hair before I head out, opting to walk to the restaurant instead of taking the subway since it’s a beautiful day out. The fresh air will do me good, and besides, these days I have a fear of getting trapped on the subway and needing to throw up because of the baby. I can’t wait for the first three months to pass so that maybe I’ll start to feel better.
The restaurant is a few blocks from Parker’s apartment, one we’ve had brunch at a few times, and I’m feeling a little better by the time I arrive. Kristen is already seated on the patio, and I feel awkward as I walk up and slide into one of the chairs, pushing my hair behind my ears.
“Hey,” Kristen says, clearly as uncomfortable as I am. “I wanted to see how you were doing, that’s all. I know we’re not great friends, but I am your sister, half one, at least…”
“No, I appreciate it,” I say quickly. “To be honest, there’s no one else I know who’s heard from Alex since…since the breakup. And I wanted to find out how he is.”
Kristen laughs. “Well, glad I can help.” She shrugs. “I only saw him the one night. He was pretty busy, too, so we didn’t get to talk much. He looked okay. Tired, I guess. Kind of sad. I could tell something was off. But he’s throwing himself into work from what I can tell. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else yet if that’s what you were wondering.”
“Oh, well…that’s good.” I bite my lip. I was hoping she’d have more details, have talked to him more, but it shouldn’t be surprising really that Alex is keeping things professional at work. He’s never been the kind to gossip or talk about what’s going on at home. It was a quality I always liked in him, but now it’s disappointing. “I’m glad he’s working and not just staying at home drinking or whatever,” I say quietly. “I don’t want him to be a mess from all of this.” And it’s true. I fucked up—I don’t want Alex to suffer. None of this is his fault, and it breaks my heart to think of him hurting. The entire time, all I wanted was to keep from hurting him.
“What happened between you guys?” Kristen asks curiously.
I swallow hard. I don’t want to tell her too many details. I can’t handle any more judgment, and besides, Kristen and I hardly know each other. “He thought I was cheating on him,” I say quietly. “Which of course I wasn’t. I keep hoping we’ll get past it, but I don’t know what’s going to happen now.”
Kristen sighs, looking down at her plate and then back at me. “I know we didn’t get off on a great foot to start,” she says sincerely, reaching across to touch my hand. “But we’re family, Madison. I know I’m not your best friend. But if you need an ear…another one, I’m here for you. I hope you know that.”
“Honestly, the best thing you could do for me right now is let me know if any apartments are opening up here in the city,” I say, laughing. “I can’t find anything. Not in my price range, anyway.”
Kristen snorts. “This is New York; nothing’s ever open unless someone dies or goes to jail. But I’ll keep an ear out anyway. If I hear of anything or even someone I know who needs a roommate, I’ll let you know.”
No one wants to room with someone about to have a baby, I think grimly, but I keep that to myself. I don’t want it to get back to Alex until I have a chance to tell him.
By the end of the lunch, I’m feeling a little more friendly with Kristen. I don’t think we’re ever going to be as close as Parker and I are, but she is my half-sister, and I could use another friend. I make a mental note to call or text her sometime soon as I start to walk back to Parker’s, after giving Kristen a quick goodbye hug.
My phone rings as I’m about a block away, and I see that it’s Melissa. She’s the last person I want to talk to right now—well maybe not the last, but on the list—but I feel guilty not answering since I just went to lunch with Kristen. I spent time with one sister, I shouldn’t not answer the other one’s call, I think to myself as I reluctantly hit the button to answer it.
“Madison!” Melissa immediately shouts in my ear. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of you in forever! You’ve been completely MIA. What’s going on? You know our mother is worried sick? We haven’t heard from you since you were in Chicago. What is going on with you?”
“Everything’s fine, I’m just busy,” I say quickly, but my voice falters a little, and Melissa instantly jumps on it.
“I know you, and I can hear it in your voice. Everything’s not fine. What’s going on, Madison?”
“Nothing,” I insist. “It’s just been crazy with the wedding, and working two jobs. I just haven’t had a minute to breathe, okay? Nothing’s wrong.”
“I don’t believe you,” Melissa insists. “Come on, Madison. I know when something’s up with you. I’ve lived with you for most of our lives.”
I sigh as I walk into the apartment and shut the door, leaning up against it as I close my eyes. “Fine,” I tell her. “Alex found out. About Jackson and me. We broke up.” Saying it aloud makes my eyes fill with tears all over again, and my voice cracks as I speak. It’s all I can do not to start full-on crying again.
“Oh…oh Madison,” Melissa says, her voice going soft. I’d expected her to tell me that it was my fault for not confessing sooner, but instead, all she says is, “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? How are you holding up? I can’t even imagine…”
“I’m doing my best to hang in there,” I tell her, sitting down on the couch. “Trying to find remote work and an apartment. I’ll get it together, don’t worry.”
“What?” I hear Melissa’s voice shift back into type-A sister mode. “No, you need to come home, Madison. Back to Chicago. Why on earth would you stay in New York? There’s nothing for you there anymore. Just come back home. You can crash here or with Mom until you find a place. Manhattan is stupid expensive, and there’s no point in you staying there. I’ll help you get on your feet, don’t worry. You can work for me at the catering company…”
“Melissa, stop!” I exclaim, suddenly angry at her for the immediate switch. That’s just like my practical sister, one bit of sympathy, and then immediately tossing aside the fact that my heart has just been smashed to pieces in favor of making plans. “I’m staying in New York,” I snap. “The decision is already made. I need to be near Alex. Things can still work out, maybe…”
“Madison, that’s never going to happen,” Melissa says, her tone placating. “You can’t think he’s going to come back to you after finding out about all of that.”
Emotion rises in me—anger at how she’s acting, grief because I know she’s probably right, and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness about all of it. “It could because I’m pregnant!” I blurt out, gripping the phone as tears well in my eyes.
“What?” Melissa sounds stunned, and I hear a chair creak as if she’s sat down in shock. “You’re pregnant? It’s Alex’s, I assume?”
“Of course it is,” I snap at her. “I didn’t cheat on Alex.”
“I know, I know.” I can almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose as she speaks. “Look, Madison, if you’re pregnant, that’s even more reason for you to come home. You need Mom and me to help you. You can’
t stay alone in New York with no one other than Parker to help you out—she has a life of her own. You need to be with your family right now.”
“I…sorry, you’re cutting out Mel, I can’t hear you.”
“Madison, you need to listen to me!”
“I’m in the subway, I’m losing my signal…”
“Madison, I swear to god…”
“Mel…” I make a crackling noise and hang up the phone. I can’t deal with her judgment and know-it-all attitude right now, I just can’t. My phone immediately rings again, and I let it go to voicemail, but it just keeps blowing up in a flurry of texts and calls from Melissa, over and over. I close my eyes and lean back against the couch, willing her to give up. I just can’t deal with it right now. I’ve made my decision.
When the phone goes off again, I can’t take it. I snatch it up and answer, about to tell Melissa off. “Mel, I’m not in the mood right now…”
“Madison, it’s Kate.”
I freeze, going cold as I hear Alex’s mother’s voice come over the line. “Oh…” I whisper. “Hi, Kate. How are you?”
“As well as can be expected,” she says, and I flinch, caught off guard by how sharp and clipped her tone is. It’s nothing like the sweet, warm, welcoming woman that I’m used to. I don’t know why she’s calling me either—did something happen to Alex?
“No, he’s fine, alive and well,” Kate says, and I realize that I said it out loud. “Look, I’m just going to get to the point, Madison. I’d like to meet and talk to you.”
I’m so stunned I can’t think of anything to say. She wants to meet up with me? Why? What could she possibly want to say to me after all of this? I know it’s nothing good, and I try to think of an excuse as quickly as I can. “When? I mean, I’ve got interviews this week for jobs, and…”
“It’s the least you can do, Madison, after everything,” Kate says shortly. “Whenever is good for you is good for me.”
