by Portia Moore
“Alex, just let me finish!” Alyssa exclaims.
“Who else knew?!” I explode, staring down at her with a furious expression that makes her shrink back a little. “Since all of you were hiding things, you, and Madison, and Jackson,”—I tick the names off on my fingers—“who else knew about all of this?”
Alyssa doesn’t say anything, her chin trembling as she tries not to cry. “I’m sorry,” she says finally in a small voice. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t mean to make things worse…”
“Just pack your shit,” I tell her, and stalk out of the room.
I don’t speak to her, not when I throw her bags into the trunk or for even a single second of the drive to the house. I’m done, I think furiously to myself as I drive. I’m done with everyone, with all of the lies, because I obviously can’t trust anyone close to me.
The second I pull into the driveway, I look at Alyssa, leaving the car in drive as I point to the door. “There you go,” I say flatly. “Home sweet home. You can tell Mom I’m not coming in.”
“Alex…” Alyssa pleads, but I shake my head.
“I need space,” I tell her. “From you, from them…from everyone.”
Alyssa gets out of the car, tears filling her eyes, and I wait just long enough for her to get her bags out before I peel out of the driveway, gravel spitting as I head back into the city.
I’m not even sure that’s enough space after all of this.
Chapter 10
Present day
Madison
I fly back to New York the day before my appointment. Melissa argued for me to stay a week longer than I had planned to, saying that I didn’t have any major need to be in New York—and I how could I argue, and I was sure that Parker and her fiancé would both like having the apartment to themselves again for a little while.
Still, Parker looks thrilled to see me when I walk through the door. “Yay, you’re home!” she calls out, hurrying into the living room from the kitchen as I set down my bag. “I missed you. It was too quiet here!”
“I doubt that,” I say, laughing, and Parker blushes a little but doesn’t deny it.
“Anyway, tell me about the visit!” Parker says eagerly, pulling me into the kitchen and handing me a glass of water as she hops up to sit on the island. “How did it go?”
I tell her about the visit, including the surprise dinner party and seeing Ryan, and Parker winces. “That sounds exactly like Melissa,” she says, laughing. “Springing a party on you as soon as you get home because ‘it’s what’s best for you.’” She does a perfect imitation of Melissa’s voice, and we both dissolve into giggles for a moment. “She was really sweet though, more so than usual,” I tell Parker. “I broke down when we got back to the apartment, and she helped me through it, and she said some things that I’ve been thinking about.” I explain to Parker what Melissa thinks I should do, that I should tell Alex myself, and Parker looks thoughtful as she listens.
“So I think I’m going to do that,” I finish, taking a deep breath. “After the doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I’m just going to take charge and tell Alex myself.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Parker says enthusiastically. “You’ve got to do something before it’s too late, Madison.”
Too late? I freeze, looking at my best friend with surprise. I know her better than anyone, and I know immediately from the way she said it that there’s something else going on, something that I don’t know.
“Wait…did you hear something?” I look at her wide-eyed, feeling my heart start to pound in my chest. “From Alex? Or about him?”
“It’s just an expression,” Parker says quickly. “You didn’t tell me how Melissa’s wedding planning is going, though! Has she gotten it together yet? Hers isn’t that much further away than mine.”
“Everything is fine with Melissa’s wedding,” I say, not about to be distracted. “Seriously, Parker, did something happen while I was gone? Did Alex call you? I know he’s going to have to do, at some point, your wedding …”
Parker lets out a long sigh, rubbing her hands across her knees. “I didn’t want to say anything. You’re finally starting to feel better.”
I can feel my heart start to sink as I look at her face. “What. Happened?”
“I ran into Alex last week at Vine,” Parker admits. “He was with someone...”
For a second I feel dizzy. My heart drops all the way to my toes, my skin feels cold as I look at her and try not to start crying on the spot. “What was he doing?” I ask, trying to keep my voice from cracking.
“Just dancing,” Parker says quickly. “Really. I don’t think it was anything, she was probably just some friend of his…”
Parker is a terrible liar, though, and I can tell from her face that it was more than that. I feel my eyes well up with tears as my world spins around me—but what did I expect? Why wouldn’t Alex be out dating? It’s been a few weeks, and he’s handsome and single, and after the way we broke up he’s probably been screwing everything he can, trying to get me out of his head. He thinks I cheated on him; of course he doesn’t feel like he needs to wait before he gets back out there. The image immediately pops into my head of him dancing with some gorgeous woman, kissing her, undressing her…it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, and I lean over, the tears starting to fall as I try not to be sick.
Parker jumps down off of the island and rushes over to me, putting her arms around me. “She wasn’t even that pretty,” she tries to soothe me. “He looked like he was having a terrible time.”
I know she’s lying to try to make me feel better. “What if I’ve really lost him?” I choke out. “What if it’s really over? I know he said it was over, but I’ve been holding out hope this entire time—without even really meaning to—but I’ve had this quiet, secret hope that he’d miss me and come back and want to hear my side of things, and then we’d make up…” I cry silently, not able to breathe even enough to make a sound. This is a horrible reality check and my worst nightmare all at once, and I realize I’ve probably already waited too long, that Alex is moving on without me. It feels like a slap in the face.
Maybe he already has.
“It could still work out,” Parker says gently. “It’s clear that he still loves you, Madison, that much hasn’t changed. He looked embarrassed as hell when I saw him with that other girl. Whatever he’s doing, he’s still thinking about you.” She strokes my hair, but I can’t stop crying. “There’s still hope,” she soothes. “Even if he is seeing someone, it’s still new, and you’re having his baby. Things can change.”
“I don’t want to trap him,” I whisper hopelessly. “I don’t want him to feel like our baby is a trap.” I look up at Parker and she presses her lips together thoughtfully, looking at me.
“What if it’s not a trap,” she suggests, “but a reminder of how much you loved each other?”
“Maybe…” I say, questioning everything that I allowed myself to hope to believe.
My anxiety is at an all-time high the next morning as I walk downstairs to meet the town car that’s picking me up for my appointment. Rose texted me this morning to let me know what time it would be there—thankfully not asking any more questions about the apartments—and when I open the door, I see that Kate and Jackson are already inside.
“Good morning, Madison,” Kate says, her voice much warmer than I expected, and it catches me off guard. I’m sure it has something to do with her excitement from thinking about her grandchild, but it’s nice to hear a friendly voice anyway, especially this morning.
Jackson, on the other hand, is cooler, just giving me a quick nod. “Morning, Madison,” he says, before giving the driver directions to the clinic.
“How have you been?” he asks once the driver is on the road, leaning back against the seat as he looks at me.
“Fine,” I say, trying to keep my voice even and not give away how nervous I am. “I went to see my family in Chicago, and stayed a little lon
ger than I meant to—it was very much needed. I think I feel a little better now.”
“Family is so important,” Kate says pointedly, glancing over at Jackson and I. “And it’s always important to put them first before your own selfish needs,” she quips, her gaze locking onto Jackson, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat before looking out the window and saying nothing.
“Have you said anything to Alex?” I ask Kate quickly, trying to change the subject. “How is he doing?”
“Not yet, and as well as one can expect,” she tells me, her expression warning that she’s not going to give much away about Alex. I feel so helpless and wonder how long this is going to go on, her feeding me tiny bits of information and holding back everything else until she decides it’s time for me to know.
“After the appointment, we’re going over to the apartment,” Kate continues, steering the topic away from Alex. “Since you couldn’t make up your mind, I chose one for you. We’ll go over and look at it so you can start making plans to move and decide how you want to go about settling in.”
You mean how you want me to go about settling in. I don’t say anything to Kate, and Jackson has remained silent the entire time, leaving the three of us locked in awkward silence for the rest of the drive. It’s clear that none of us are comfortable being here, and we would all rather be anywhere else—and neither Jackson or I are happy with Kate’s iron fist controlling everything.
I don’t have health insurance, so my appointment is at a public health clinic that works on a sliding scale. The waiting room is so packed that I feel claustrophobic as I check in and fill out my information, giving the sheet back to a tired-looking, overworked receptionist. The awkward silence from the car extends here, as we wait and wait for my name to be called with none of us wanting to talk about any of the things on our minds—mostly Alex, above everything else. My nerves are on fire and not my phone, or any of the old magazines I pick up, distract me. Almost two hours later, a nurse finally steps out and calls my name.
“Only one person can go in with her,” the nurse says firmly as both Kate and Jackson stand.
“I’ll go,” Kate says immediately, but that’s the last thing I want. She’s been looking at me, her expression saying well you got yourself into this, every time I’ve looked woefully at the door or started to fidget. I already feel vulnerable and frightened. The last thing I need is Alex’s mother standing judgmentally in the room with me. I’d rather have Jackson, all things considered, especially since I know him better than Kate—but I know exactly how Kate would take that, and it wouldn’t be well.
“I’ll go in alone,” I tell the nurse firmly.
“Madison—” Kate starts to protest, but I shake my head. Her expression is livid, but she’s not about to throw a tantrum in front of the entire waiting room of people.
“We’ll be waiting for you when you’re done,” Jackson cuts in, reaching for Kate’s elbow to steer her away and giving me an approving smile. The nurse whisks me away before Kate can say another word, for which I’m grateful.
I feel more nervous than ever as the nurse starts to do the standard beginning-of-appointment procedures, asking about my history and taking my weight and height, temperature, and blood pressure. She gives me a sympathetic smile when my blood pressure comes out higher than normal. “We’ll check this again later when you’re less stressed,” she tells me. “If you want to go ahead and change, the paper drape is there. The doctor will be in soon.” She hands me a small cup and tells me that they’ll do another pregnancy test as well just to confirm.
“Soon” is relative, and I’m incredibly glad that I decided to come in alone as I can’t imagine sitting here awkwardly with Kate for the length of time that it takes for the doctor to show up. I’m struggling to keep myself calm when the doctor finally walks in—thankfully, a female doctor—and smiles reassuringly at me as she sits down. “So the test came back positive,” she tells me, “as you probably expected, so you’re definitely pregnant. From what you told the nurse about your last cycle, you’re probably ten weeks along, so we’ll do a fetal doppler today along with the other tests. That is, if you’re wanting to continue the pregnancy.” She smiles kindly at me. “We can talk about other options if you feel that those might be a better fit for you. Whatever you need, I’m here to help you with.”
Her manner is already helping to calm me down, and I shake my head. “No, I’m having the baby,” I tell her firmly.
“Well, then let’s make sure he or she is healthy,” the doctor says cheerfully, and has me lay back on the table. After doing the routine tests, she starts the monitor, and I lay there nervously as she rubs the small wand across my stomach while I look at the screen.
After a moment I hear a sound…it almost sounds like a washing machine, and I look at the doctor with wide, startled eyes as she smiles at me. “That’s the heartbeat,” she tells me, and I feel my eyes well up with tears as I listen to it. For the first time it feels real, not like some abstract concept of a baby, and the tears aren’t out of sadness but joy because it hits me that I’m going to be a mother. I’m going to have a baby, a little boy or girl that is part Alex and part me, and I can’t be unhappy about anything in this moment, no matter how hard everything is.
I’m going to take care of this baby and do what’s right to make sure that they have the best life possible.
“Can you record it?” I ask the doctor, tentatively. “For my…” I start to say boyfriend, but then remember, and my heart sinks a little, although I’m still too happy to feel it entirely. “The baby’s father,” I finish, and the doctor nods.
“Of course I can,” she tells me, and then moves away so I can sit up. “I’m going to schedule you for an ultrasound in two weeks. Everything looks great. I don’t have any concerns right now. You’re young and healthy, and everything points to an easy pregnancy.”
I’m filled with determination as I head out to meet Kate and Jackson in the waiting room. “The baby is doing great,” I tell them before they can ask any questions as we head out to the car. “I’m ten weeks along, and I go back for an ultrasound in two weeks.” We get in, and Kate immediately starts talking before I can say anything else.
“Well, that place was terrible. They hardly had any time to focus on you individually, I’m sure. You need the best possible care—a better doctor, which Jackson can get for you, so no need to worry about insurance or the cost of it. I’ll go with you to your appointments. You need someone there and I’ve had two children, so I know all of the ins and outs of what they’re telling you. And I’ll help you get settled in, of course. The sooner, the better so you’re not stressed with moving and unpacking while you’re further along…”
“Kate,” I say gently, cutting her off. “I’m grateful for all of the help that you’ve offered. I mean it. I appreciate everything you’ve done—I know it’s for the baby and not for me, but you’ve gone above and beyond and I’m thankful that you’re willing to do all of that. But I’m not going along with this plan. I’m going to tell Alex about the baby myself.” I take a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter if he wants to be with me or not. I’ve come to terms with that, and it’s not about us anymore, it’s about our baby and what’s best. I owe him the truth, and it should come from me.”
Kate just stares at me for a second, completely stunned. “Madison, you haven’t thought this through…”
Jackson cuts in then, his voice firm and controlled for the first time in a while. “Kate,” he says sharply, “I think Madison is right. I think that this is the best decision as well—and she’s come to it on her own, not from talking to me, before you ask—and regardless of what she chooses I’m still going to offer my help because we’re family. And as you said,” he tells her, a small smile playing on his lips, “family is the most important thing.”
Kate glares at him with a look that could melt iron. “Jackson,” she says in a clipped voice, visibly angry, but he shakes his head with a smirk on his face.
/> “Oh stop, Kate,” he says, and there’s humor in his voice. “You should be proud of Madison. You would be doing exactly what she is if you were her. Don’t you remember standing up to my parents when you were pregnant with Alex and not letting them bully you into a decision? Madison is a girl after your own heart.”
I see Kate stop for a moment and think as he says that, and I can see her relent as she nods ruefully. “Yes, you’re right,” she says finally. “I guess I forgot about that, but I can see you haven’t.” She smiles at Jackson then, and I can see a flash of memory pass between them before she turns back to me. “I’m sorry, Madison,” she says finally. “I respect your decision, really, I do. You’re a strong girl, it’s plain to see. I’ll do what I can to support you, regardless.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, my heart in my throat as I realize that it’s settled.
I’ve won this round, but I have no idea what will happen when I talk to Alex.
Chapter 11
Present day
Alex
I can hear the sounds of the party from a block away as I arrive at the bash that Jade’s agency is throwing for one of Blaire’s friends. Jade asked me to make an appearance a week ago—making sure to tell me that it’s “strictly professional,” but that it’s important that I show up.
It’s hard to believe it’s a twenty-one-year-old’s birthday party. I’m glad that Jade gave me an idea of how to dress because I would never have expected this level of extravagance, even with what she’s told me so far as we prepare for Blaire’s. There’s a red carpet, photographers everywhere, and I even see a few celebrities that I vaguely recognize, although they’re too young for me to know exactly where they’re from.
