Committed (Collided Book 3)

by Portia Moore

  I know she’s not going to let it go, and besides, it would feel good to talk about it with someone. I tell her bit by bit as we eat, about how I saw him kissing the beautiful woman in the Tesla, about how I was going to just go back home but he saw me before I could get another cab, and how I wound up going back up to his apartment to get his keys.

  Parker sees the expression on my face and claps a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, Madison. You didn’t. No, I can see from your face that you did. What were you thinking?” And then she laughs. “Was it still good?”

  “When we were in bed…it was like nothing had changed,” I admit quietly. “It was amazing, like it always was between us. Better even, maybe, since we’d been apart for so long. And it felt like he still loved me. Like he was making love to me, not just fucking an ex. But then, the next morning…” I bite my lip, determined not to start crying. “It was obvious that everything’s changed. He said that he still loves me…but he needed space. And I can tell that it’s not going to be the same…things haven’t changed for the better.”

  “Love isn’t always enough,” Parker says quietly. “But there’s the baby. Are you still going to tell him?”

  I nod. “I’m going to ask him to meet me tomorrow so I can tell him. And I’m going to ask him if he wants to go to the first ultrasound appointment with me. Other than that…I can’t think about it. I just have to do what’s best for the baby now.”

  “What do you think his reaction is going to be?” Parker asks cautiously, and I shake my head.

  “I don’t know, honestly. I’m just hoping for the best at this point.”

  I call him after Parker leaves, later that afternoon. It helped to spend some time with my best friend, helped calm my nerves, and it felt good to talk about what happened—but my heart is still pounding in my chest when I make the phone call. It takes all the courage I have to press the button, and I’m terrified that he won’t answer, that I’ll have to leave him a message and wait.

  But he does, and when I hear his voice, it takes my breath away like it always has.

  I wonder if there will ever be a day when it doesn’t, when I stop loving him so much that it hurts.

  “Can we meet up somewhere?” I ask him hesitantly, my voice quiet.

  “Madison, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” His voice is flat, reluctant, and I swallow hard to fight back the tears. I had hoped I’d never hear him talk to me that way.

  “It’s really important,” I say, and there’s a long pause.

  “Madison…”

  I interrupt him before he can say no, or hang up the phone. “Please,” I say quickly, hearing my voice quiver. “Please, Alex.”

  There’s another long moment of silence, and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. “Alright,” he says finally. “Where do you want to meet up? Not at my place, or Parker’s.”

  “There’s a park that would be good,” I tell him. It’s a couple of blocks away from my apartment, but I don’t want to tell him right now that I’m not at Parker’s or open the door to having to admit that Jackson is covering my living expenses. “I’ll text you the address.”

  “Okay,” he says. “See you tomorrow.”

  And with that, the line goes dead, leaving me holding the phone to my ear as the tears finally start to fall.

  I’m surprisingly calm as I sit down on a bench at the park, waiting for Alex to arrive. I thought my heart would be pounding out of my chest, that I’d be nervous and freaking out, but instead, I feel almost peaceful. I’m here; the decision is made. Whatever will be, will be.

  When I look up, I see him walking in my direction. I fall in love with him all over again. It’s like the first time we met, and for the first time in a long time, I have some hope that at least this will be okay between Alex and me, even if our relationship can’t be repaired. And I know as I watch him approach that nothing between us has changed either, at least not for me. My heart still feels like it will burst, the sight of him fills me with an aching sort of love that I don’t know will ever go away, and to be honest, I don’t know if I want it to. And I still want him. How could I not? I think as I watch him stride towards me. He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met, beyond gorgeous, and my type in every way.

  But I can’t think about that now, I remind myself firmly. I have to focus on what’s most important, on the baby, not on how I feel. There will be time to think about Alex later, to miss him, to think about how much I still love him, how much I still want him—but not now. Now I have to put myself last.

  I don’t know if I should get up and offer him a hug or stay put, and I waiver on it for so long that by the time I’ve almost made up my mind, he’s already sitting down next to me, his face carefully smooth and expressionless. I look over at him, smiling hesitantly. “Thank you for coming,” I say softly, and I see the beginning of a smile on his face.

  “Oh, well, it worked out anyway,” he says carelessly. “I’m moving nearby, and I was on my way to look at an apartment.”

  That catches me off guard. “What?” I ask, momentarily forgetting my planned speech as I stare at him in surprise. “Why are you moving? You love that apartment.”

  “You don’t need to worry about it,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “So what’s going on? Is this about what happened the last time we saw each other?” The hint of a smile is gone, his guard is up again, and I feel the first flutters of nervousness in my stomach, but I push them down.

  I take a deep breath, fighting down the butterflies as I look up into his handsome face. “No,” I say softly. “It’s not about that.”

  Alex looks surprised at first, then almost suspicious. “So what then?”

  This is it.

  “I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to tell you,” I say slowly, trying to keep my nerves from spiraling out of control. “But so much has happened, and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be a good time. So I’m just choosing now.”

  Alex’s eyes go wide with concern, and he leans forward. I can smell his cologne, and for a moment, I’m distracted, my heart protesting in my chest. I can see the wheels spinning in his mind, that he’s coming up with worst-case scenarios, and none of them are good. “Madison, what’s wrong?” he asks, and I can hear fear in his voice.

  “Don’t worry,” I tell him quickly, “I’m not sick or anything.” The idea that he’s worried about my well-being, that he still loves me enough to care, brings tears to my eyes, and I try to fight them back but I can feel them hovering on the edge of my lashes. I don’t want to cry, but I can feel the ache in my chest increasing, and I know I need to get this out now before I lose it.

  “I wanted this to be special when I told you,” I say, taking a shaky breath. “I didn’t want it to be weighed down by how everything is between us now.” I pause, trying to think of the right words, and Alex’s eyes are fixed on mine. I can’t help but wonder if he’s figured it out yet, and I can’t say it while I’m looking at him, thinking of everything that could have been.

  I look away, whispering it for the first time aloud to him.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  18

  Alex

  For a second, I’m not sure that I’ve heard her right. I’m completely floored, frozen in place as I try to process the words that I just heard come from her lips—“I’m pregnant.”

  It’s almost unbelievable—but I know it’s not impossible. It didn’t seem to matter back then in the heat of the moment—we loved each other, and I knew she’d be my wife after the first month we were together, but things are different now.

  I look at Madison, trying to pull my thoughts together, but it’s hard. Briefly, all I can see is the woman I loved—the woman I still love, and I feel like my world is spinning. This was the last thing I expected to hear. It didn’t even come up in the list of considerations for why she might have asked to meet.

  The emotions welling up in me are hard to process. The last time I heard these words from a wo
man’s mouth, it was Holly, and I loved her then too, and look how that turned out. I can still remember the grief from that time, so clearly, the pain of it will never totally go away, and I have no idea what to say to Madison or how to feel. I’m confused and elated at the same time, thrilled at the idea of having a child and wondering how we can possibly make this work, if it’s even a possibility. The thought that she might be just doing me the courtesy of telling me before she chooses not to keep the baby occurs to me, and I push the thought away as quickly as it comes because I can’t bear it.

  I’m so caught up in my thoughts, trying to make sense of it all, that I forget she’s there for a moment until she whispers, “Alex? Please, say something.”

  I look up at her then, my face pale, and shake my head. “If I’m being honest, Madison, I don’t know what to say.” I pause for a long moment, taking in her beautiful face, her tear-filled eyes, and finally let out a long breath. “When did you find out?” I ask softly.

  “Right before you proposed,” she answers honestly, blinking back the tears.

  Another secret. Another thing she hid from me. I swallow my anger, trying to remember that this is hard for her too, and ask in a careful voice, “So why didn’t you tell me, then?”

  Her tears start to fall as her voice cracks. “I didn’t want the moment to be tainted by my not telling you the truth about Jackson and I. I was trying to think of the right time to tell you—I was going to, after the reception. And then…” Her mouth twists, and I can tell that she’s thinking about how fucked up everything went, how it shattered everything we had planned together.

  There’s a long silence between us as she waits for me to say something. I’m going to be a father. It brings a glimmer of tears to my eyes. I know it’s real this time, that Madison would never do what Holly did. Whatever else she’s done, I know she’s not that kind of person. At the very least she’ll tell me what her decision is. She wouldn’t lie about it. And the fact that she’s here and hasn’t said anything else means that this is real, it’s going to happen.

  “I have an ultrasound scheduled for early next week,” Madison says, her voice calm and steady again. “If you’re not busy, I’d like for you to be there, but only if you want to. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.”

  “Of course I want to,” I blurt out without thinking, the first heartfelt thing I’ve said to her without caution for a while, and as I look into her eyes all I can think of is that this is the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, that I was excited to marry and build a life together with, and all of the hopes and dreams that we shared come flooding back. I remember our conversation snuggled on the couch about kids, about how happy I was at the thought of Madison having my child, and how I’d looked forward to it, even as something far in the future. When I found out about her and my dad, I thought it was just another lost dream, something that would never happen, and to find out that I haven’t lost that makes me feel unbalanced, unsure of what to do—but happy. I’m happy, I realize.

  “I know how you feel about me,” Madison says softly, her voice breaking just a little. “I’m not going to use this baby to try to get you back or make you be with me. I just want you to be a part of his or her life because our baby deserves both parents. That’s all.”

  Relief floods me at that final confirmation that she wants the baby too, that she’s planning on keeping it, on making this a reality. “Are you moving back to Chicago?” I ask, my heart suddenly hammering in my chest. I want her to stay here, I realize, I want them both here, but I can’t stand in her way if she wants to go back to her family. I don’t have that right anymore.

  “I’m staying in New York for now,” she says tentatively. “Especially if you want to be a part of the pregnancy. I don’t want to take that away from you if it’s…if it’s something that you want.”

  “More than anything,” I tell her honestly, and I see her eyes fill with tears again, but she’s smiling despite that. That’s the smile that made me fall in love with her, I think, the smile that I saw across the bar in Miami that made my heart stop in my chest. “How are you feeling?” I ask gently, and she laughs a little.

  “Like an emotional freak,” she admits with a laugh. “The morning sickness still hasn’t passed. I’m surprised I managed to keep it a secret. You remember that stomach flu I had, right?”

  I laugh, remembering how I’d wondered how it lasted so long, and for a second, there’s a shared memory between us, something that isn’t full of pain or hurt.

  Slowly, tentatively, I put my hand over hers, and I hear her small indrawn breath at the touch. “We’re having a baby, huh?” I ask with a small laugh, and she nods, sniffing back tears. We don’t say anything else—we don’t talk about what it means for us or what the future holds. It’s enough that in that moment, for the first time in a long time, we’re on the same page. We want the same thing.

  For our baby.

  19

  Madison

  The moment I’m back in the apartment, I let out a long, relieved sigh. It went better than I expected, I think soothingly to myself as I walk into the kitchen and start to make myself a cup of tea, trying to calm the last of the nerves fluttering in my stomach. It didn’t end with him declaring his love for me or asking if we could get back together, but all of the things I wanted—needed—most, those happened. He’s happy about the baby, I tell myself. He wants to be in the baby’s life, he’s going to go to the doctor’s appointments, and we’re going to get through the pregnancy together. Whatever else happens, that’s the most important thing—and he wants it. He didn’t feel trapped, he wasn’t angry. He was happy.

  That’s the biggest relief I can imagine right now.

  I pick up my phone to call Melissa and tell her how it went when I hear a key turning in the door, and drop the phone back onto the counter. Who the hell is it?

  Maintenance? Or Rose, does she have a key? I freeze for a moment, and when the door opens, my jaw almost hits the floor with shock.

  It’s Alex.

  Alex looks at me with surprise, and then to my utter confusion, starts to laugh.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, not budging from my spot as I look at him. I don’t know why he would be here or how he has a key, and I’m thoroughly confused. The only person who knows I’m living here besides Parker and Rose is Jackson.

  “Jackson gave me the key,” Alex says once he stops laughing. “This was the place I was coming to look at that I’m supposed to be moving into. It must have been some kind of mixup.”

  I’m still stunned, until the wheels in my mind start to turn and I remember Jackson’s words from earlier, about how he needed to make sure that I still wanted to be with Alex before he tried to “help me.” I know that I’m supposed to be thrilled with this wacky plan, that I’m supposed to be happy that he’s trying to help, but instead, I’m just filled with cold fear. I only just got Alex to agree to be a part of the baby’s life, the most important thing right now, and I can’t imagine how he’s going to react if he figures out that Jackson is trying to push him back into a relationship with me. What if he’s angry? This could ruin everything, I think, trying not to panic.

  “It’s fine,” Alex says. “I’m just going to call Jackson.”

  I wait, rooted to the spot as he dials the number, and then frowns. “It went straight to voicemail,” he says, shrugging. “I’ll send him a text.”

  “Here, let me try,” I say quickly, grabbing my phone, but I get the same result. Just voicemail. “I’m going to call Rose,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice even and light, as if this is just a funny misunderstanding.

  “Rose?” I say as she picks up the phone. “Um…there’s kind of an issue. I guess Jackson was helping Alex find an apartment but he’s here…in the one you guys gave me.”

  “Oh, hang on,” she says, and there’s a moment of silence and then the sound of shuffling and keys clicking. “I don’t know how this happened, Ma
dison, I’m so sorry. It must be some mistake. We’re pretty full at the moment, I’m sure Jackson let him know that there isn’t much available, but I can see what I can sort out for him, possibly early next month?”

  “I’ll let him know,” I tell her with a sigh, and relay the information to Alex after I hang up. His face falls immediately, and he runs a hand through his hair.

  “Fuck,” he groans. “I told my landlord I’d be out by this weekend because of Jackson promising me the apartment. I came by just to take a look at it. I didn’t even really care what it looked like, just that it was close to the city. Hell, anything Jackson manages is bound to be nicer than what I could normally afford anyway,” he says with a short laugh. “It was more just to see it for the hell of it than anything else.”

  I lean back against the counter, my heart racing. I can’t keep any more secrets from him. I know the way that path goes, and it’s not good. “You’re not upset that Jackson is letting me stay here?” I ask hesitantly, and Alex shrugs.

  “I mean, aside from the fact that I’m basically homeless now, no. You’re pregnant with his grandchild. I’d be more upset if he weren’t willing to help, all things considered.”

  Well, that’s a relief. I know I need to be honest with him or risk making things worse all over again. “I think this is Jackson’s way of trying to get us back together,” I tell him, and he looks at me in utter confusion for a moment before it all clicks, and he lets out a long, frustrated sigh.

  “Look, it’s okay,” I tell him quickly. “I can go back and stay at Parker’s again until I can find something else, or whatever Rose was talking about next month materializes. It’ll be fine.”

  Alex looks at me, appearing annoyed. “I’m not going to be the jerk kicking a pregnant woman out of her apartment, especially one who’s pregnant with his kid,” he mutters, and I manage a small laugh.