by Portia Moore
25
Alex
As I bring in the last of my things and look around the spacious apartment, it hits me how surreal it is to be moving in with Madison again. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be here yet. I didn’t bring much other than my clothes and Ally for now, deciding to leave some things in storage. Besides, this apartment is furnished with much nicer stuff than anything I had at my old place.
In the three days since our semi-awkward dinner, not much has changed. We’ve texted back and forth about the baby, Madison avoiding any mention of our relationship—or lack thereof—and since our conversation, I haven’t really known what to say. When she told me that she wanted me to be sure that I loved her before I gave any thought to trying again, I wanted to blurt out to her that I do already know, that it’s never been a question of if I love her or not—that I could never stop loving her. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that I don’t know if I can push past what happened, what she did.
I thought I’d felt the worst pain of my life when my marriage to Holly ended the way it did, but it was nothing to the pain I felt the night of the wedding reception. It pierced me to my core, an emotional wound like I’ve never known, and I don’t know how to get over it. It would hurt anyone to see their fiancée with someone the way I saw her with Jackson—out of nowhere, live on a video—but she was with my dad. And she didn’t tell me. Just the thought of it still feels like a punch in the gut, and I don’t know if it will ever stop. I don’t know how to make it stop.
This will be the test, I think, as I finish carrying my things into the second bedroom, the one Madison isn’t sleeping in. This will tell us if we can move past what happened or if we just have to get over each other and be nothing more than friends and co-parents. I realize that I’ve missed her in the days since we had dinner—I’d almost hoped that she would be here while I was moving in, but she has sent me a text letting me know that she’d be over at Parker’s. As I put my clothes away, I wonder if us being in closer proximity will create more distance between us, if we’ll find excuses to avoid each other because it’s too hard.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out half-hoping that it’s Madison, but I see that it’s a text from Jade. Are you free tonight?
I’m thinking of how I want to respond when I hear the front door open and realize that Madison is home. I shove my phone back into my pocket, hurrying out to greet her, and I see that she has her arms full of groceries. When she sees me a smile appears on her face, and even though it’s small, this one is real—not forced like the one she was wearing the entire time we were at dinner. She looks genuinely glad to see me, and it lifts my spirits in a way that I haven’t even realize I needed.
I take the groceries out of her hands and she laughs. “I can still carry things, you know,” she says jokingly.
I grin. “But since I’m here, you don’t have to,” I tell her.
Ally comes bounding into the room at the sound of Madison’s voice, already purring, and as she winds around Madison’s ankles, Madison lets out a squeal of delight and picks her up, petting her. “I missed you Ally Cat,” she croons to the cat as I start to unpack the groceries, and for a moment it feels like nothing has changed.
To my surprise, there’s beef steaks and vegetables inside the bag, along with some other groceries, and I look over at Madison curiously. She’d always made small things like eggs or grilled cheese sandwiches or premade turkey burgers, but she never showed interest, or even cooked that much really—which was fine because I love to cook. “Are you starting to learn how to cook?” I ask her, and she laughs, setting Ally down.
“I’m about to try,” she says, walking into the kitchen and starting to put some of the other groceries away. “This kitchen is too beautiful not to use. And I’d like to try to learn how before the baby comes. I’ve been watching some cooking videos on YouTube, and I think I’m ready to try a recipe, so I figured I’d give it a shot tonight.”
“Do you have enough for two?” I tease her, looking into the bag again, and she laughs.
“You might get to have all of it if it turns out disgusting,” she tells me with a grin.
“I’m down to help if you need it.”
“Well, I want to try it all by myself first.” She hesitates. “But I could use some company in the kitchen?”
She doesn’t have to ask me twice. I give her some space, going and taking a long relaxing shower in the bathroom that’s for my use—Madison’s room has a bathroom attached to it—and stay in there a little longer than I mean to. It’s bigger than the shower in my old apartment, outfitted with the latest fixtures, including a rainwater showerhead that practically feels like I’m getting a massage. By the time I get out and dry off, throwing on sweatpants and a black t-shirt, I can hear Madison’s favorite alternative R&B station playing, and to my surprise, the smell coming from the kitchen is delicious.
I walk out into the kitchen, pulling up a seat at the large island and just watching her as she chops up vegetables, tossing them into a pan that seems to be the source of the smell—garlic frying in butter. I smile as I watch her, amused that she’s trying so hard to learn to cook but also impressed that she’s picking it up so quickly. She glances over at me and catches my expression, reading it immediately and rolling her eyes playfully at me. It’s another of those moments where everything feels like it used to, and it’s all I can do not to get down off of the stool, go around the island, and take her in my arms.
“How’s work?” she asks. I start to tell her about what I’ve been doing lately, carefully avoiding most mentions of Jade as I tell her about the big birthday bash for Blaire, how insane it was, and the other party that I went to for “research” for it.
“These influencers are wild,” I tell her. “More money than most people could ever imagine, ridiculous homes, extravagant parties. It’s like a whole other world.” I pause. “By the way, Kristen asked about you,” I tell her, thinking that will make her happy.
It does, and she turns from where she’s standing at the stove to smile at me. “We had lunch not too long ago,” she says. “Nothing too interesting, but I think we’re getting along better these days. Who knows, we might even be friends one day.”
“What about your work?”
“I’ve been applying for remote jobs. I’ve had a few bites, some one-offs that are bringing in some funds. Hopefully I’ll have something regular soon. And I went home to Chicago to visit Melissa and my mom. They’re both doing good.”
Time flies as Madison cooks. We fill each other in on the bits and pieces of our lives that we missed during the weeks that we were apart, the normal things we would have talked about and shared but haven’t gotten to. It reminds me of when things were easy between us, and it feels nice, like things should be. It feels peaceful, and it’s not hard to imagine us doing this while the baby is sleeping nearby, or while our child toddles around the kitchen with one of us keeping a watchful eye.
It’s not hard to imagine us as a family.
When dinner is ready, Madison serves it up and sets a plate in front of me, taking a seat at the island as well. The smell has been teasing us the entire night, and we dig in, hesitantly at first, but then eagerly as we both realize that it’s delicious. “This is amazing,” I tell her through a mouthful, and Madison grins.
“Looks like our kid won’t have to survive on McDonald's and takeout after all,” she quips, and we both laugh. “The only thing missing was wine,” she says wistfully, and I smile.
“I’ll make sure to get you some extra strong grape juice,” I tell her teasingly. The mood between us is easy and relaxed as we finish dinner—no awkwardness or tension—and I clean up once we’re done, loading the dishwasher as Madison gets ice cream out for dessert.
Before we know it, it’s almost midnight. Madison yawns and glances at her phone, getting up as she puts her bowl in the sink. “I should get some sleep,” she says, glancing over at me. “Goodnig
ht, Alex.”
“Goodnight,” I tell her, and to my surprise she crosses the room, putting a hand on my shoulder as she leans up to give me a soft kiss on the cheek. I don’t move as she smiles, and then turns to go to her room, leaving me slightly stunned sitting here.
I remember that I never texted Jade back. I know what I have to do—I take my phone back and open up the message, sending her a quick response as I watch Madison disappear into her room.
I‘m sorry Jade, but I need to focus on other things right now. I’m sorry.
I hit send and then turn my phone off, heading to my room too.
26
Madison
“I never thought things would work out this well, that they could…I hoped, but it’s sooo nice.”
It’s been two weeks since Alex moved in, and I’m sitting across from Parker at her kitchen table, eating takeout Italian as we look through her binder of everything she’s finished so far for the wedding and what’s left to do.
“Really?” Parker looks at me with interest, and I nod. “It’s been great. I’ve been so happy…I thought it might be awkward or difficult but it’s been just easy and almost how things were before.”
Parker smiles at me. “I can tell,” she says, and then grins. “So…have there been any late-night visits?”
I laugh and push my hands through my hair. “It’s hard living with him and not thinking about it,” I admit. “He’s Alex…it’s almost second nature to. But things have been so good and simple and easy. I feel like Alex likes me as a person again, and I’m afraid to cross a line and disrupt what we have going on right now. It’s so good. I don’t want to be selfish and ruin it.” I hesitate. “Kate asked us to have dinner tomorrow night. I’m not looking forward to it. We didn’t exactly part on the greatest terms after I told her I was going to talk to Alex myself, but Alex is thrilled to go. So I guess I’m going,” I finish with a shrug.
Parker frowns. “So…how has it been living with Alex now that he’s single?” she asks, concern in her face. “That can’t be easy.”
“I try not to think about it,” I tell her honestly. “I can’t imagine him dating or seeing anyone else. He’s been home every night. I just try not to wonder if he’s out with anyone when he’s not. And well…a small part of me kind of wants him to. If he dates someone else, he’ll know whether he really feels like we’re meant to be together or not, whether he wants me or if it would be better for him to start over with someone else.”
Parker stares at me like I’ve gone insane. “Is that really how you feel? I mean…what if he falls for someone else?”
“Did you put a splash of doomsday in your coffee this morning?” I ask jokingly, but my voice is a little tight. I don’t want to think about that. I’ve been actively not thinking about that, and Parker’s comments make the anxiety well up all over again—wondering if Alex could fall for someone besides me, and what that would mean. Would it mean we were never meant to be together? Or just that I didn’t try hard enough to win him back?
Parker laughs. “I’m sorry,” she says, clearly checking herself and reining in her urge to speculate. “I’m not trying to be negative, I promise. I’m just worried about you. I’m sure it’s all the stress of the wedding planning too.” She waves her hand at the binder. “I always imagined how this day would be, but I didn’t realize how much work would go into making that happen! I’m honestly just thinking of eloping at this point.”
“Oh my God, your parents would kill you,” I tell her.
Parker laughs. “I’m just venting. I know they would, my mother especially.” She pauses, shutting the binder for a moment. “How is Melissa’s going?”
“It’s good. Hers is going to be a lot smaller, intimate. Yours is about to be the Manhattan event of the year at this point.” I can tell this makes Parker happy because that’s exactly what she wants it to be. I glance down at my stomach and touch it softly. “I’m going to be eight months pregnant at Melissa’s,” I sigh. “I’m going to look like a whale in all of the photos.”
“You’re going to be beautiful,” Parker insists. “You’d always be beautiful no matter what.”
All of the wedding talk and planning has me thinking about the last wedding I went to, and everything that happened there, and how back then I was starting to think about planning my own, and I’m almost in tears by the time I’m back at the apartment. But when I walk in the door and see Alex sitting at the island, dressed for work and going through spreadsheets on his laptop for a new gig, I feel all of the sadness drift away. Regardless of what happened, he’s here, and I can’t stop myself from feeling breathless every time I walk in the door and see him.
He told me last night about the new gig—a grand opening for a company—and I think all over again how proud I am of him as I see him sitting there. He’s come so far in his business since we met, and it makes me happy to know that he gets to do what he loves. His happiness matters so much to me, more than I think I ever knew.
Alex catches sight of me as he starts to pack up his laptop and gives me a small smile. “I’m heading out for work,” he says. “Mom texted to confirm tomorrow night. Are you sure you’re okay with going over there? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Yeah,” I tell him. “Unless you don’t want me to?”
“No, I definitely do,” he insists. “Alright then, I’ll tell her we’re both going to be there for sure. I don’t know what time I’ll be back tonight, but if I don’t see you, I will in the morning.” He smiles at me as he passes me on the way to the door, and just before he opens it I let out a small gasp.
“Alex, wait!”
He turns back towards me, concerned. “Is something wrong?”
“No, I think…I think maybe I just felt the baby move.” I touch my stomach. “It could just be gas,” I laugh, “but I think it might be the baby.”
He rushes over immediately, his eyes going wide as he cautiously places his hand on my stomach. As I look up at him, I’m so glad he’s here, reminded that this is our baby. It’s one of the most intimate moments we’ve had in a long time, him looking adoringly down at my stomach as he lays his palm on it, and I feel closer to him than ever, even more so than the last time we had sex.
The movement shifts again, tiny and almost indiscernible, but it’s there, and a small smile appears on Alex’s face as he looks intently down at me.
In that moment, looking at his face, I fall in love with him all over again, more than I ever have been before. And all I can do is stand there, my heart pounding in my chest, and hope desperately as tears fill my eyes that there might still be a chance for us.
27
Alex
I feel like I’m floating on air by the time I get to work, and it’s impossible to hide. I’m happier than I have been in a long time, humming to myself as I organize the bar and with a smile on my face the entire time, and it’s not long before Casey notices.
“Well, someone’s in a good mood,” she says as she carries a box of liquor shipment out. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”
I hesitate, and she rolls her eyes. “ I could use some good news. So spill it, what’s got you looking like you just won the lottery?”
I set the glass down that I was cleaning and look over at her. I’d have to spill it at some point. There’s no way it wouldn’t come out that I had a kid, and Casey is practically my right hand these days. It would be good to share it with someone, especially her.
“Madison is pregnant,” I tell her, and her eyes go wide as she gives a little shriek.
“Oh my God!” she exclaims. “I’m so happy for your guys! And I’m so happy that you’re back together!”
I wince. “Well…we’re not back together. Not really. But we’re working out how to handle this, how to co-parent and all of that.”
Casey stares at me. “So…what really happened between the two of you? Come on, tell me.” She frowns, her elated expression waning. “D-did she cheat?”
; I shake my head. “No, she didn’t.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
“So what then? Did you guys just grow apart? Sex got stale? Didn’t like each other anymore?”
I laugh tightly. “No, no, and no again.”
Casey throws her hands up in the air. “Then what? You guys were great together. I’m confused. What happened?”
“Well…” I try to think of how to explain it without going into too much detail. “It turns out that Madison and my father…sort of dated before we got together. She didn’t know that he was my father when we started dating, and once the pieces came together later on, neither of them told me.”
Casey looks completely stunned. “Oh…wow. Alex, I’m so sorry. That’s a lot to deal with. I’m really sorry that happened.”
“I’m okay,” I tell her, and for the first time in a while, it feels like that might be true. “I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would be, actually.” I pause and then glance over at her curiously. “What if it…what if it was your boyfriend? Would you be able to get past something like that?”
Casey is quiet for a long moment, thoughtful. “Well…” she finally says hesitantly, drawing it out, “I can’t answer that question for sure because I’m not in that situation. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So I don’t know for sure. But I feel like if it happened before we were together, and not during, I don’t think I’d sacrifice everything that we have because of something that happened before our relationship. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, but I don’t think I’d cash it all in over that.” She gives me a small smile. “Does that help?”
“Yeah, I think it does,” I tell her thoughtfully. “Thanks, Casey.”
“Anytime. And congrats on the baby!” She grins and elbows me before walking into the back again, leaving me at the bar to wait for the client to show up.
