Committed (Collided Book 3)

by Portia Moore

  I get up off of the table, a little wobbly, still feeling awkward in my new body. I’m showing now, enough that it’s obvious even under the flowy blouse that I’m wearing, and I can see Alex looking at it as we leave the office. It doesn’t make me feel as strange as I thought it would, or unattractive. If anything, I feel better than ever, and I can tell that Alex is loving seeing me this way. His face lights up when he looks at my belly. It makes me feel good, and I’m optimistic that no matter what, we’re going to be okay. We’re going to make it through this, one way or another.

  “I’m starving,” I tell Alex as we step outside. “And I really, really want pizza.”

  “Well, I know just the place,” he says with a grin. “I’ll go get the car.”

  He takes me to a bustling pizza place a few miles away that he says is one of his favorites and that I’ve never been to, where you can build your own and have it baked for you. I pile toppings on mine as Alex finishes his order and then secures us a spot at one of the gleaming wooden tables. I’m so hungry by the time the pizza arrives that I devour two slices almost immediately, and then look up to see Alex grinning at me and immediately feel embarrassed.

  “I’m going to be huge by the time this is over,” I lament, and he shakes his head.

  “You’re going to look great,” he assures me. “And the baby will develop a love for pizza, which is an important quality to have.”

  I glare at him teasingly, and he shrugs. “I’m so annoyed about waiting,” I say, digging into another slice. “Maybe we can just take a peek?” I ask, looking at his pocket.

  “Sorry, sweetheart,” Alex says playfully, and I realize it’s the first time he’s called me by a pet name since the reception. “And I kind of like the mystery of it. So I’m firmly on your sister’s side.”

  I swat at him playfully as he takes a bite of pizza, and he grins at me sideways, dodging it easily. It feels so good to be like this, I think. Easy and relaxed, friends like we were before.

  I missed it so much. And I realize as we sit here, eating pizza and joking, that I don’t ever want to lose it again.

  30

  Alex

  I’m relaxed and happy as we finish up lunch, more sure than ever that I’ve made the right decision. I head out to get the car while Madison goes to the bathroom, and as I’m walking out the door, I almost run directly into Blaire.

  “Blaire!” I say with surprise at the same moment she catches my eye, and I half expect her to ignore me or to be pissed after what happened at the party, but instead she gives me a surprisingly normal smile.

  “Hey Alex,” she says, pushing a blue piece of hair out of her eyes. “Look, I never told you how much I appreciate you looking out for me at the party. Lots of guys would have taken advantage, and you didn’t, and that was really cool of you. You’re a good guy.”

  “Thanks, it was just the right thing to do,” I tell her. “I’d like to say anyone would have done it, but knowing that’s not true, I’m glad you were there. And Kristen, too.”

  “Actually we’ve talked some since then, might be getting drinks later this week. Oh, by the way,” she adds with a grin, right as I see Madison walking up out of the corner of my eye, “did you get to screw Jade that night? Man, she was all over you,” Blaire says playfully, nudging me. “Was she any good in bed? She has such a stick up her ass normally. She’s probably such a freak when she lets loose.”

  Madison stops next to me, frozen, and I can see that her face is beet red, her eyes wide. “No,” I tell Blaire hurriedly. “No, I didn’t do anything with Jade.”

  “Oh come on, you can tell me,” Blaire says teasingly. “She was all over you.”

  Madison pushes past me, continuing down the sidewalk, and I look at Blaire. “Sorry, but I’ve really got to go,” I tell her. “It was nice seeing you,” I add quickly to be polite, and then jog after Madison. Thankfully she’s slower than usual, so I catch up fairly quickly. It’s clear that she’s upset, her face is still red and her lips are pressed tightly together. But she just keeps walking, not saying a word and pretending like nothing is wrong.

  “Madison, that was Blaire. Remember me telling you about her? The influencer who we threw the birthday party for? She’s crazy. She’s always like that, it’s nothing…”

  “So who did you supposedly screw in her bed?” Madison asks, trying to sound playful, but I can hear the tightness in her voice.

  “It didn’t happen like that,” I insist. “Nothing happened.”

  “Was it the girl driving the Tesla? The one who kissed you right before you saw me on the street outside your apartment? Is that who Blaire was talking about?” I can hear her voice starting to quiver. I think back to that night. I almost forgot that Madison saw me with her.

  “Madison, I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “It doesn’t matter!” Madison says, and I can hear tears in her voice; a moment later they’re sliding down her cheeks. “It doesn’t matter who you screwed because I screwed your dad, and you’re allowed to get back at me, you have every right. I deserve it.” Her words are broken and choppy, in between sobs, and it tears me apart to hear her like this.

  “Madison, please,” I murmur, reaching for her and pulling her into my arms as she cries. She lets me hold her, crying against my shirt. I stroke her hair for a moment, hoping that this will pass, but after a minute she pushes herself away, shaking her head as she tries unsuccessfully to wipe away the tears.

  “It’s always going to come back to this,” she sobs, trying to catch her breath. “I fucked your dad and it’s always going to come back to that fact. I’m never going to be allowed to feel upset about anything without feeling guilty because I will have always done something worse. I’m always going to deserve whatever it is because of what I did.”

  “Madison please, that’s not true,” I try to tell her. “Just calm down, please. I’ll get the car and we can go home. It’ll be okay. You’re just upset right now…”

  “No,” she says, backing away and shaking her head. “I’m going to call an Uber. I just need time to think. Alex…”

  She turns away from me, digging her phone out of her purse, and I know not to follow. As I stand on the sidewalk watching her walk away, it’s all I can do not to call after her, not to stop her, but I know that won’t help now. There’s nothing I can do.

  I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.

  Alex

  I head to a bar and have a shot to give Madison the space she wants, but it’s only about 45 minutes before I get restless and head back to the apartment, hoping that we can talk when I get there, that Madison will have calmed down and I can explain. The irony of it isn’t lost on me—how many times did Madison beg me to just listen and let her explain?—but I didn’t do anything.

  I don’t want Jade. I don’t want anyone besides Madison.

  When I get to the apartment I rush upstairs, calling out Madison’s name as soon as I walk in the door. But I can tell already from the silence in the house that she’s not there. Something’s wrong. It’s confirmed as soon as I walk over to the island and see a note there, hastily written on a piece of paper.

  Alex,

  I’m going to Chicago until my next appointment. I just need some time to clear my head.

  --Madison

  I want to scream. Her next appointment is a month away. I stare down at the piece of paper, running my hands through my hair and wondering how this went so bad so quickly. The idea of a month apart from her is devastating, a month without seeing how our baby is growing or sharing the little everyday things together that we have been. I pick up the phone to call her, hoping to catch her before she gets to the airport and convince her to come back, but it just goes to voicemail. A second later my phone pings with a text, and when I pick it up I see that it’s from her.

  Alex, I need some space. I love you, I do, but I need to clear my head. I’ll text you later, I’m getting to the airport.

  I sink heavily down onto one of the chai
rs, my heart pounding in my chest. The realization hits me all at once—if I can’t stand the idea of her being gone for a month, how did I think I was going to spend the rest of my life without her? How did I think that I was going to go through life living apart from her, seeing her with someone else, carrying on a life without me, and me without her?

  I need her.

  She’s the woman I was meant to be with, and Casey was right. It’s never going to be easy knowing that Madison had a relationship with my father, and she should have told me—but I can forgive the latter, and it’s not worth sacrificing everything we have for the former, for something that happened when she didn’t even know me. I remember Jackson telling me how she turned him down when he tried to win her back, how she told him she was in love with someone else, and that it was me. That she was always faithful to me, once we were together.

  I want to be with her. And I want to be the best man I can possibly be for her…and for our child. I pick up the phone, but not to try and call Madison back. I dial Rose’s number, and when she answers, I ask her for a favor.

  “Hey Rose. Yeah, I’m fine. Can you do something for me? I need an appointment with a good therapist as soon as possible, to set up a counseling session. Is that possible? Great, thank you so much.”

  I’m going to fix this, I think determinedly. And I’m going to find a way for us to start fresh.

  31

  Madison

  I decided to stay with my mom this time when I come back to Chicago, and it’s been better than I expected. It’s like the prospect of being a grandmother has completely rejuvenated her. She’s come alive at the thought of it and is happier than I’ve seen in her in years, more like the mother that I remember when I was younger, before my dad left and everything just seemed to go downhill. She’s asked me about Alex several times since I got back, but I always just try to change the subject, letting her know he’s being supportive and leaving it at that. I try not to think about Alex as much as possible—it’s too hard. Thinking about what he might have done or not done with the woman in the Tesla makes me feel sick, and now that I’ve left, I know there’s nothing stopping him from dating her or doing anything else with her. But I couldn’t stay, either. I meant it when I said that I needed space.

  My mom, meanwhile, has been a whirlwind of baby activity. She comes home with baby clothes nearly every day, even though we don’t know yet if it’s a boy or a girl, usually with things that are green or yellow or other colors that she says are “neutral” even though I insist that it doesn’t really matter. If I’m being completely honest, I can imagine myself back in Chicago. Even though I know my life is in New York and I’ve got to go back eventually, it’s been good to be back with my family, better than it ever was before.

  Melissa is coming over for dinner and I decided to try my hand at cooking a roast chicken with potatoes and vegetables, something new, but I’ve tried a lot of new recipes lately and to my surprise—and my mom’s—I seem to be pretty good. I don’t have a lot to do other than the few graphic design jobs I’ve picked up here and there, so I’ve been practicing as much as I can, and it’s had the added benefit of taking some stress off of my mom.

  To my surprise, Melissa notices and comments on it at dinner as I serve it up, with glasses of wine for them and a half glass of grape juice for me. I’ve become addicted since Alex started buying it for me when he drinks, and it makes me smile. “This is really good, Madison,” she says with surprise as she takes a bite of the buttery chicken. “When did you learn to cook?”

  I shrug. “I figure it was time to pick up some new skills.” I let the small talk go on for a little bit before I finally clear my throat and look at Melissa, chewing on my lower lip. “Melissa, is there any way we might be able to cancel the gender reveal?”

  “What?” Melissa looks shocked. “No, of course not. Why on earth would you ask that? It’s only a week away, and everyone is looking forward to seeing you. There’s tons of family and friends who haven’t seen anything of you since you abandoned everyone and ran off to New York.”

  My mother reaches over, patting her hand. “Melissa, no need to be so upset at her, she has her reasons.”

  “I know,” Melissa says crossly. “But there’s a lot of planning that’s gone into this. So no, we’re still having the party.”

  “Okay, okay,” I tell her. “It’s fine, I was just asking.” I wait until we finish dinner and my mom has started taking the plates out before I look over at her. “On that note then, I’ve talked to Mom, and I’d like to invite dad and Kristen to the gender reveal, if they can make it. Mom said she’s fine with it, but I want the okay from you too, I know you’ve put a lot of work into this and I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for you.”

  Melissa hesitates, and for a minute I think she’s going to argue or say no, but then she lets out a small sigh and agrees. “Yeah, of course. That’s fine. I’ve been thinking about them lately, actually—him and Kristen. It wouldn’t be so bad to see them.” She clears her throat then, obviously ready to change the topic. “So how are you doing, not being around Alex? This is the longest you’ve been apart since the breakup. How is it?”

  I look down at my hands, struggling to keep my emotions in check. “I miss him every day,” I admit softly. “But when I heard about him being with that girl—or maybe not being with her, like he says—even if it didn’t happen it made me realize that I can’t be around him every day and get over him, and it seems like that’s what I’m going to have to do, ultimately.” I look up at Madison then, my eyes starting to mist over. “I want him to be happy, I do. But I can’t watch him be happy with someone else until I’m over him, and I can’t do that seeing him every day. So I guess in the end this space is really more for him than me. But the result will be the same, I think.”

  “Well, I think you’re handling it very maturely,” Melissa declares, and I smile, knowing that’s high praise coming from her.

  “It’s the only thing I can think of to do. After all, the most important thing is that we get along for the baby,” I say, and Melissa agrees.

  I text Kristen and my dad about the gender reveal and the date and time. That evening, as I’m getting ready for bed, my phone goes off and I see that it’s Kristen. I answer it immediately, thinking how weird it is that six months ago I wouldn’t have wanted to even speak to her, and now we’re family.

  “Hey Madison,” she says when I answer the phone. “It was really sweet for you to invite me, but I wanted to let you know I’m scheduled that day and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get off work. I’ll try to swap the shift but if I can’t make it I’ll definitely be sure to make it to the shower.”

  I smile at that, touched that she’s even willing to try, that I mean enough to her now to make an effort, and I’m so glad to have someone else in both my life and the baby’s life who is family, who cares about us. “Thank you,” I tell her. “It means a lot that you’d come out for either one.”

  “How are you and Alex?” Kristen asks suddenly, and I pause, caught off guard.

  “Why?”

  She makes a noncommittal sound. “He’s just seemed sort of sad the last few weeks is all,” she says. “I thought you guys were working things out, but he’s been too down for that to be the case.”

  I feel some of the anger and sadness that I felt when I heard the rumors about his client well up, and I shrug. “He’ll be fine,” I say tightly. “He’s got his clients to keep him company, after all.” My tone is joking but bitter, and Kristen picks up on it immediately.

  “Wait…what? What does that mean? I’ve worked with Alex a lot lately, and I haven’t seen him with any of his clients. He kind of has a personal policy against that. For all of us, really.”

  I let out a long sigh. “He ran into that crazy social media client when we were out to lunch and she was talking about him screwing some client of his, asking him what happened between them. He was claiming he didn’t do anything but he looked upset and guilty
, and I know it’s none of my business, but—”

  “Ohhh…” Kristen cuts me off suddenly. “Madison, I know who she was talking about. I was there. She’s talking about Jade, the PR agent who organized that whole thing. And I know Alex didn’t sleep with her, because we all crashed at Blaire’s apartment that night and Jade shared the couch with me.” She pauses. “I mean, I can’t say this for sure because I wasn’t in the room, but I’m pretty sure he turned Jade down flat.” She laughs then, continuing as I listen, stunned. “Madison, if he did, it took superhuman strength. Jade was all over him. I’ve never seen a girl try so aggressively to fuck a guy in my life. And I don’t think he did. I’d bet money that he turned her down. She looked super annoyed when she came out, not like someone who finally got to sleep with the person they were chasing.”

  I don’t know how to respond. “Well, thanks for telling me,” I say slowly. “I’m glad you’ll at least be at the shower. I’ll talk to you later.”

  Once I get off the phone, I decide to take a bath. My emotions are spinning and my thoughts are racing. I don’t think I’d be able to go to sleep. I feel bad for how I reacted to Alex after what Kristen told me. I trust her and think that she’s telling the truth, that he was being honest when he said nothing happened, but that doesn’t mean nothing will ever happen with someone. And if he doesn’t want to be with me, he will want to be with someone else eventually. The bottom line is even if he was with her, I have no right to be upset.

  While I’m laying in the bath I run my hand over the smooth slope of my stomach, still in disbelief at how it looks, that it’s real and there’s a baby in there. I talk softly to him or her while I try to relax, distracting myself from everything else, and I can feel it working as I breathe in the lavender scent of the bubbles. “I can’t wait to meet you,” I tell the slight movement in my belly, already imagining what it will be like to hold my baby. “You’re so loved by everyone already, by your grandparents, your aunts, your daddy already, and by everyone who knows about you.” I run my hand over my stomach, feeling my heart ache with a mixture of love and sadness. “I promise I’ll get things right before you get here. I’ll make sure everything is in order and we’re in a good place.”